Disclaimer: I do not own anything. Nothing at all.
Summary: If Naruto was obsessed with noodles. If Itachi loved rice. Parody.
Written by: E
If Naruto were written this way.
With his mom and dad killed in the war with the Ninetales, Naruto grew up shunned by the rest of Konoha. However, he wasn't shunned for being the demon container, but for his love for noodles. It wasn't just any love; Naruto would only eat noodles. Noodles for breakfast, noodles for brunch, noodles for lunch, noodles for linner, noodles for dinner, noodles for a midnight snack-Naruto was cuckoo for noodles. The kind people of Konoha were disgusted with this habit, as they all ate leaves instead, like giraffes. And so because they were terrified of Naruto's unnaturalness, they excluded him, marking him as a non-giraffe.
It you were wondering what happened with the Ninetales and all, Naruto had a bad case of diarrhea one day while eating noodles and accidentally crapped the demon out. The Ninetales now lives in Naruto's toilet, where the demon awaits the day for Naruto to flush it towards freedom.
Anyhow, Naruto, unhindered by what the giraffes thought, pursued his dream of becoming the greatest noodle chef in the entire world. He believed that a good bowl of steaming hot noodles could change the world, and he would be the one to make those noodles. Yes, he, Naruto would make the best noodles in the world! If you were to cut open Naruto, you would find that his innards are made out of noodles.
Putting the disturbing imagery aside, Naruto set out on a spectacular quest to make the best noodles ever, whereas the rest of his ninja peers went on their own paths.
For now, I will now cover the story of his closest ex-friend/ rival, Sasuke and his rice-loving brother, Itachi. Basically, Sasuke was a good guy, really, a really good person…at heart. He absolutely loved his big brother Itachi, and cherished every moment with his big bro, almost to the point of obsession. Itachi loved rice as much as Naruto loved noodles. But unfortunately, his whole family only liked eating leaves, being the giraffes they were. And being such giraffes, they looked down upon Itachi's passion for rice. Itachi, at the young age of three, had made a riceroni picture of his parents at Konoha Elementary (or wherever young ninjas go to school. ) The said picture was literally burned in their backyard by his giraffe parents who had no such taste for childish art. As punishment, Itachi was forced to climb a tree and live there for a week on leaves.
"You can't come down until you finish all the eucalyptus leaves," said his mother.
It was there, in that tall tree, that Itachi obtained his trademark lines under his eyes, from those days spent in leafy darkness eating leaves of scratchy branches. You may wonder why Itachi obeyed his parents. Well, he didn't for long. When Itachi was old enough, his parents "urged" him to leave his passion for rice behind him to become a true ninja of Konoha. But his love for rice was not to be challenged. Itachi ran away from home, and traveled to Lightning country, where he would be known for his miraculous invention: The Hitachi rice cooker.
Sasuke would have pursued him, but he felt the stinging pain of betrayal, from both his parents and his brother. They had ignored him and left him for their own dreams, leaving him only to wither with hatred and contempt. He found no pleasure in being a leaf-eating ninja; leaves only gave everyone high fiber intake and constipation. Instead, he fed on hatred, until he was filled to the brim with the bottled rage of a soda can that has been shaken one too many times.
The villagers never figured out who was responsible for the murder of the Uchiha's and found only found it odd that Sasuke would be the last one living. Sasuke, in the meantime, had turned all his attention towards his brother who had chosen rice over his own little brother.
"I will get stronger, brother, and then you will never leave me," he vowed with an intensity unmatched by all the Sasuke fan girls in the world. There was no homosexuality intended in his desire, only a brother complex.
And so Sasuke proceeded in his quest to beat his brother into submission with the goal of keeping him locked in a cage.
And now, where would the story be if Sakura weren't there? Well, she wasn't. Sakura was never leaf-eating ninja. Rather, she was a legendary man-eating hippopotamus that hung out on the outskirts of Konoha. Naruto, in one of his more adventurous exploits, hunted her for her meat to put in his noodles. To Sakura-fans, I apologize, but she was crucial in advancing Naruto's plans to create the best ramen ever. Unfortunately, she was killed by Naruto. Her meat was too rough however, and gave an uneven texture to Naruto's noodle soup.
Moving back to the original story, Naruto left the dubious village of Konoha to attend to his dreams of creating the most awesome bowl of noodles in all of ninja history. It was said that the first bowl of noodles ever to be created originated in the far-away land of Lightning, which was where Naruto went.
On the way, here and there, Naruto ran into some very interesting comrades: a couple of talking toads who also shared his same passion for noodles. Their friendship lasted shortly, as tragically, the toads were run over by a passing rhinoceros who paid Naruto for the damage caused. Fortunately for Mr. Rhinoceros, Naruto was prone to bribery. Money made the ninja world revolve in so many ways.
Using the money, Naruto went to go open a mobile noodle stand after the frog funerals. With this, he progessed on his journey. Every step carried him further away from Konoha, but Naruto never liked the village either way. So you can imagine the expression on his face when the village was destroyed by the Ninetales who was flushed to freedom by Chouji who had had a case of the stomach flu and needed a toilet badly.
With Konoha off the map, Naruto made his way North.