It was irrational, I thought, as I snuck through the woods to watch her. Them. What was I doing? She was still my girlfriend, this school assignment didn't change anything. The woods had this dusty quality as the sunlight filtered down between the leaves, thick somehow. I could see trails of spider webs hanging in the leaves and between the pine needles. I could smell the pine needles, like a whiff of Christmas at this tail end of summer. This was stupid, but I walked as quietly as I could and slowed down as I heard voices. First his voice. Then hers.
It was this new kid Craig. She'd been partnered up with him through no fault of her own and yet, yet, I wanted to blame her. I wanted to blame her like I did last year at her party, what she did with Sean. All the blame rested with her.
She looked so cute in school today despite the short hair. She had on tasteful make-up and cute clothes. It was a break from the goth thing. I don't know. I couldn't seem to wrap my head around that look. Too creepy. I thought the kids that dressed that way kind of looked like corpses.
"Maybe we're wrong," she said as I got close enough to see her through the leaves. I held my breath. What were they wrong about?
"What do you mean?" Craig said, leaning against a tree. I narrowed my eyes at him, jealous that he got to be with her and I didn't. Jealous that he got to do this skit, that he got to listen to her convoluted and confusing thoughts.
"He loves her, he just wants her to fit in," she said, and Craig's look darkened. I couldn't read his expression. I tried to breath quietly and not move a muscle.
"Yeah, well, he's wrong, and he's abusive," he said.
"I know. I read the play," she said, and I studied her features. Those large blue eyes that sparkled like jewels in the sun. Her full red lips, red even without any lipstick.
"But it's more than that," Craig said, and I narrowed my eyes down to slits. I wanted to punch him right in the stomach and tell him to leave her alone.
"So what is it?" she said, her voice dropping an octave.
"He wants to change her. If you love someone you shouldn't want them to change," Craig finished, and I closed my eyes and felt the punch to the stomach I'd wished on him. I doubled over.
I went home to my big, spacious, lonely apartment. My parents were both at their high powered jobs, affording us all this luxury. I looked out the windows at the expensive view. I could see the curve of Lake Ontario. I could see the CN Tower. I leaned back into the incredible plushness of our couch, closed my eyes, thought about her. Her. Had I been trying to change her, like Craig said? Had I been trying to take something away from her, trying to make her fit into a pretty little box made of pink satin and sequins and long hair and barrettes? Was I like the guy in the play? Damn Shakespeare.
The light was fading now, fading from the sky, and the gloom gathered around me. This skit changed everything. I wasn't partnered up with Ash for a reason, and this was the reason. I was the guy who was changing Kate. I was forcing her to be someone she wasn't, and this stupid new kid Craig, of all people, was pointing it out to her. I was her boyfriend, technically, right now. But it wouldn't last.
I hung my head, grateful for once that my parents weren't home and I could think. What did I want from her? Why did I want her to be something I created? What kind of a relationship would that be? I didn't like the goth thing, I didn't like her creepy songs, I didn't like the way she would force truth and opinion out of you when you just wanted to hold it all in. I didn't like the way, despite being so pretty, she sometimes seemed like a man. I wanted my sweet, non-threatening Ash from last year back. Before the ecstasy. Before Sean and Craig and Ellie and this black gothic crap. I wanted a girl who didn't exist anymore, and I had been willing to destroy the girl who did exist to get her back. What was wrong with me?