Author's Note: I've been out of the writing loop for a long while, so I did this piece to practice getting back in. Let me know what you think. Also, there is a mention of same-sex pairings, so if you feel uncomfortable about that, probably best to leave.

Incidentally, I write in present tense usually, so if anyone spots any tense differences I missed, I'd appreciate it if you point them out. Also, I heavily borrowed a lot of story and character elements from Cinis' Jinx? Stands for Best Matchmaker Ever! Dur!, which inspired me to write something completely silly and 's a great story, and is a very worthwhile read. Anyways, usual disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from League. Have a good read.

"Relax, Garen. This is nothing to be scared of."

"I am not afraid." The Demacian Vanguard glared at his hands, which had been bending his utensils without his notice. He added them to the growing pile beside him. "I just don't understand why I have to do this."

The voice sighed in his ear. Something about the limitations of the device Lux stuck in it made her voice come out as strange and tinny. "Because you're almost 30, and you've never been on a date."

"Luxanna, I'll appreciate it if you don't meddle with my affairs." Garen fiddled with the black device on his collar, currently disguised as a button. He felt stupid speaking into it. Cursed Piltover technology. "I am the Might of Demacia, and I have—"

"Never been with a woman."

Garen sputtered. "That's not—I've been—"

"Big brother, you need this. Seriously. For Demacia. We're all sick of hearing you, 'polishing your blade' every night or 'testing the grip'." She paused, ignoring her brother's vehement and horrified denials. "Think of this as intelligence gathering. Surely, even you could get something to slip from the Sinister Blade. Plus, you've been pining over her for ages with all your pictures of—"

"I don't have time for this." He stands up. "There's much to be investigated, men to train, Jarvan IV to protect—"

"YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I DID TO GET YOU THIS DATE, SO DON'T YOU DARE LEAVE, GAREN CROWNGUARD."

He sat right back down. He rubbed his ear. "This is for Demacia, by the way. Not because you told me to."

"Of course." Lux's tone was smug. "Oh, she's coming. Look sharp."

"Where?"

"Here." Katarina drops into the seat across from him. "What did you have to discuss with me?"

Garen didn't recognize her at first, as she had thrown on a blonde wig and a leather outfit that did nothing to hid her plunging neckline. He had dressed up as well, mostly because Lux told him to, but she said he looked sharp with his slicked-back hair and well-made suit. Also, the hair covered his earpiece, which was great for hiding it.

"Valoran to Crownguard?" Katarina leaned forward and waved her hand in front of his face. It made her neckline plunged lower. "Did you have something to say?"

Garen gulped and clutched the utensils in front of him.

His Demacian loyalty demanded that he stand up and execute this Noxian on the spot. The man part of him told him to shut up and stop ruining his own date.

"Or are you going to make yordle eyes at me all night?" Katarina sat down and spun a butter knife around her fingers. She looked at him out the corner of her eye with a glare that made the Vanguard's heart beat faster.

"Of course not." He cleared his throat. "I believe my sister, Luxanna, told you that I wished to meet to talk about—"

"How is Lux?" Katarina's countenance changed. She began to purr. "She was ever so sore the last time I saw her."

She—what?

"She's quite a player. So skilled with those fingers. I didn't believe how much of a moaner she was after one of her many losses. " Katarina smirked. "Give her my regards, will you?"

Garen stared at her, detecting something in her tone but unable to decipher it. "What do you mean?"

"She was very willing to play with me, quite the screamer when she wins, eager to please..." Katarina sighed at his blank expression. She began to make graphic hand gestures demonstrating her message. Garen stared at those offending fingers going in and out, in and out for a few moments before something clicked.

"That's preposterous! Lux would never entertain the idea of such..." Deviant thoughts! "She is a fine woman of the Crownguard house. Very proper. Always thinking of serving others first."

"Can't argue with that." Katarina's grin grew so wide that Garen felt lewd staring at it. She leaned back and smirked. Garen wanted to argue, but there was Lux's earlier message about him not knowing how she set up this date for him that made him hesitate. He wondered if...

Garen growled and shifted in his seat. "Excuse me. I need to use the lavatories."

He made his way to the men's room before turning to duck behind a plant. He pulled his collar up, speaking into the black device.

"Lux."

"Yes, Garen?"

"How did you get me this meeting with the Sinister Blade?"

"She likes to play a lot of games. I happened to beat her at one." A pause. "Aren't you supposed to be with her?"

"I told her I had to use the toilet," Garen said, brusquely. "What were the details of how you beat her?"

Lux made an impatient noise.

"I was playing chess with her. You know that Noxian game that hurts your head a lot where you move pieces on a board—"

"We do not associate with anything Noxian!"

"...right. Anyway, Katarina, apparently, is a huge chess fan. Guess even she needs something to do when she's not hurling knives at people on the Fields. I had to study the game for a bit before I had enough confidence to challenge her. The Sinister Blade loves a competition," she said.

"But Katarina said you lost to her, and that you were 'sore' about it," he pressed.

"It did take me a few tries to beat her."

"Is that the only thing you did to persuade her?" Garen felt heat roll up into his face. "Are you sure?"

Lux sighed. "I did not cheat if that was what you're asking."

"I'm not!" Garen hissed into his collar. "Why is she implying that you two had...relations?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know. That she...enjoyed your company? Was more than professional with you? Received intimate negotiations?" Garen scowled and screwed up his face. He searched his brain for a phrase he thought he heard his soldiers used often. "Bumped monstrosities?"

Lux was silent for a moment before she began to howl in laughter. Garen gritted his teeth together. These things were hard to talk about for him! Like thinking hard. Much easier just spin and hit enemies than to articulate particular thoughts and feelings.

"Katarina likes to play games. That includes mind games. Take what you hear from her with a barrel of salt," Lux said after she stopped giggling.

"Why would she do that?"

"This is the Sinister Blade we're talking about. Sadism is her pleasure." A pause. "Why couldn't you pick someone nice to fall in love with, like Irelia? Or Sona?"

"I am not in love with her!" His voice was a bit too loud. Waiters passing by gave him odd looks. "I am just captivated by her skills," he said in a much quieter one.

"...right." Lux coughed. "Anyway, you probably should head back. I'll help you out from there as long as you don't block the microphone."

He glanced down at the device. "You'll be able to hear her?"

"If you flick on the switch, yes."

"And why are you ordering me around again?"

"Because I know more about women than you do." His sister sounded smug.

Lux did hang around with a lot of attractive young women. Whenever he stayed at home, he'd often see her leave with a pretty girl or another, only to come back and say the friendship didn't work out. Or not come back for the night at all. The only boy she ever took a shine to was that Ezreal character, and even then, it seemed rather lackluster after she found out Ezreal was actually male.

"...so, you didn't have se—have se—have—so, you didn't sleep with her?"

"No, Garen. That was a lie. She's probably laughing her butt off right now. Gods, you are so gullible sometimes that I have to tail you to your own date," she said.

Garen glanced out the windows to the rooftops where Lux was hiding. It was evening, and the shadows made it hard to see her among the tiled housetops. She thought that disguising herself inside the restaurant was too obvious, and besides, the device on his collar also doubled as a device to send her images in real time and she wanted to test it out. He didn't hear her call it by name. He just heard 'more Piltoverian witchcraft'.

"What are you waiting for? Head back."

Garen grunted and made his way to his seat. True to his sister's word, his "date" looked at him and bursted out guffawing.

"You're too easy." She wiped the tears from her eyes.

Garen eyed her. "So, you didn't sleep with my sister," he remarked, causing her to break out into helpless giggles. That's twice in less than five minutes two women were laughing at his expense. He decided that a good drink was very needed.

"I already ordered," Katarina said, once she stopped laughing. "Thought that if we were going to talk, we might as well get something to eat."

Oh, right.

Garen randomly picked something from the menu and shoved it into a nearby waiter's hands. He asked for the strongest brew in the house.

"So, where were we?" He picked up his mug of Gragas' Graggy Ice. It was apparently famous enough to make its way to this city between the Demacian and Noxian borders.

Katarina eyed his drink. "You got nothing for me?"

"I thought you already ordered something for yourself."

Katarina sighed and looked away. She looked disappointed in him.

That was how the Sinister Blade ended up bumming drinks from the Demacian Vanguard for the entire night.

"You are so bad at this," Lux buzzed into his ear.

Garen gritted his teeth. He would have snapped back had it not appeared he was talking into his coat.

"Say something. Compliment her!"

Garen looked up and searched for something to talk about. His eyes locked on her hair.

"Your hair is nice. It's a different colour."

Katarina glared at him. Garen decided to shut up and nurse his drink before the Sinister Blade took it.

"Talk about her clothes. Or ask her about her day," Lux sighed. "Did you even memorize your cue cards?"

Garen ignored her. His palms felt sweaty under another bent fork. Lux had stuffed his pocket full of conversation cards in case he ran out of topics, but Katarina kept her gaze on him the entire time, making it impossible for him to reach down and discretely grab one. He decided to strike out on his own.

"So, tell me about yourself. Besides, your...profession. What do you do in your free time?"

Katarina smiled. "I wonder why you'd want to know? Could it be..." she trailed off, giving him a very suggestive look.

Garen gulped and was suddenly glad the lower half of his body was under the tablecloth. "I just want to know more about you. The Katarina behind the blades." He leaned forward, hoping to look suave. He wiggled his eyebrows.

"What's there to say? I work, I attended meetings with Swain, and I go home." Katarina shrugged. She seemed not to notice his gesture.

"What do you do in your spare time?" he asked.

Katarina smiled. "Your sister."

Garen ignored her as she broke out into laughter again. He sipped his mug with stoic dignity befitting a fine Demacian Van—

LUX, STOP LAUGHING WITH HER.

"Sorry, that was a pretty good line. Anyway, Katarina's just trying to agitate you, because it's fun." Lux paused. "It is pretty fun, actually."

...he was going to have a very thorough talk with Luxanna when all this was done and over.

"Topics...topics...talk about gender roles in Noxus. She talks a lot about the imbalance of power, according to my sources," his sister suggested.

Gender what?

"Uh..." he intelligently articulated. "What it's like being a woman?"

"...Garen..." Lux's voice had a warning tone.

Katarina stared at him. Her hand moved towards her steak knife.

He gestured wildly. "In Noxus, I mean. Isn't it ridiculous to expect only the men to rise to power while the women..."

"Are expected to stay home and bear children," Lux chimed in.

"...are expected to stay children and bear homes."

Dammit.

"While the women are expected to stay at the hearth and have children," he sighed with relief at getting the words out.

Katarina stared at him but the shift in her eyes showed him that she's seriously considering the question. "I have often wondered that myself. Why does a man far less competent than his female counterpart rise so far in Noxus while she's relegated to only gaining power through her husband or through the military? I cannot respect incompetence, and especially not privilege granted by gender alone. Men and women are not so different in their craving for power, but it's how they acquire and yield it that remains the biggest difference in their ranks."

Uh-huh. Garen nodded in rhythmic intervals. He'd found that technique useful in the past when dealing with women on long rants. Mostly Lux.

"Noxus is largely patrilineal, although scholars have found evidence that the roots of Noxian society might actually have matrilineal sources. Considering some of the protection given to women run contrary to patriarchal conventions such as property inheritance, familal protection, division of power within the household..."

Garen pushed his food around to make a happy face.

"...resulting in an odd dichotomy of power between house and work for men and women." Katarina sipped her mug. "That's a surprising question coming from you. If I hadn't known any better, I would have thought there was a brain in that thick skull of yours."

Garen aligned his final potato into a smile.

Lux commented. "I would agree that Noxus treats its women with far more contempt than its men, but I would dispute the argument about gender and power in that women understand power in an inherently different sense than men..."

Garen blinked.

Lux sighed. "Tell her she looks pretty."

Garen leaned forward with as much charm as he could muster. "Katarina, have I told you that you look beautiful tonight?"

"I do every night." Katarina shrugged off the compliment. She eyed Garen's Graggy Ice. "Are you going to finish that?"

He sighed and handed over his mug.

Lux chirped in his ear. "This is still going better than I predicted. Why don't you—wait, what's that?"

Garen was tempted to bang his head on the table. Why was this dating thing so hard?

"Uh oh, Garen, I'm going to drop out for a bit. Something's come up, but I'll take care of it. You enjoy your date." The line cut out with a soft hiss.

That certainly wasn't ominous at all. Maybe he should check up on her.

Katarina pushes her chair back and announced to herself. "I don't even remember why I agreed to be here."

On the other hand, Lux was a grown woman, and can handle herself, right?

"So, my sister is a friend of yours?" Garen said, feeling sweat bead down the back of his neck. He grabbed a nearby waiter and nearly shook him ordering more drinks.

"About as much as you are," Katarina said, taking the mugs when they arrived. She even let him have one.

Garen leaned in, feeling confident in his conversational skills. "Uh..." he intelligently said. "I wished to discuss the possibility of a potential alliance with beneficial properties, resulting in a mutual truce for the duration of its being." What.

She looked at him. "Between Noxus and Demacia?"

"Something like that," he mumbled. He was ignoring the windows behind Katarina where a giant beam of light ripped through the dark sky.

"Is that all right with your handler?" The corners of Katarina's lips twitch up. "I wouldn't think the prince would allow Might of Demacia would commit such treason behind his back?"

He twitched. "I am not—"

"I'm joking." She placed a finger on his lips to silence him. Her eyes are half-lidded with a half-smile adorning her lips. A flush coursed across her cheeks, although that might have been due to the four pints of Graggy Ice she put away. "Are you always so serious?"

Yes.

"Are you not committed to Noxus?" he mumbled behind her finger. He wished she could keep it there. "You are their pride."

Katarina frowned. "Noxus shows a lot of things. Not all of them are true." She sat back in her chair. "There's a lot of expectations to do certain things that you may not agree with. Stay silent about certain matters, obey commands no matter how stupid they are." She glanced at him. "Marry a man. Bear children."

"I can relate." Well, not the bearing children part. "There are a quite a few orders that I have reservations about, but I follow them because I trust in the wisdom of my leaders." Like Jarvan IV. And Jarvan III. And possibly Jarvan II if he was still alive.

Katarina turned her head away at his response. She looked frustrated. "Is your real reason for this meeting just to wine and dine me, so I can pop out your Demacian babies later on?"

Garen turned purple with the effort of finding a response that wasn't, "Not the babies part because I'm far too young to be a father and, really, you wined yourself—"

She sighed. "Considered yourself lucky. Usually, I wouldn't be caught dead on a date with a—"

"Demacian?"

Her eyes shifted. "Not exactly what I had in mind."

"Soldier?"

"I have no problems with them as long as they're like me in a sense." She glanced at him with something meaningful in her gaze. Garen couldn't decipher it.

He tried again. "Demacian soldier?"

She rubbed the bridge of her nose. She looked like she had a headache. "Is your sister with that Piltover brat?"

Garen racked his brain for a moment to figure out about whom she was talking. "Lux has mentioned that she has been seeing him recently. I believe he is courting her." As a proper gentleman should.

"Is she accepting the gesture?"

"Not really." Garen hadn't seen Lux be all that enthused about her ventures with the young explorer. Every time, the Vanguard pressed her about it, all she responded with was a flat, "Ezreal's nice" before abruptly changing the subject.

"She doesn't talk about him much," he shrugged. "She seems to like him as a friend though."

Katarina smiled and glanced at her nails. "It's not going to work out."

Garen's brows furrow together. "What do you mean?"

"He's not what she'd prefer if you get what I mean." At his expression, she arched an eyebrow. "You do get what I mean, right?"

"She likes Ezrael. That's why they're together so often," he insisted. "And how would you know anyway?"

Katarina smiled. "Just a feeling," she said, brushing her hair behind her shoulder. "Let's pretend that she's not 'dating' Ezrael. She doesn't have anyone else in mind, right?"

He shook his head.

"So, she'd be single," she purred.

Well, yeah. That's the idea.

"Excellent." Katarina picked up her knife and began to check her reflection with it. She smiled suggestively. "She's such a pretty thing. She won't be alone for long."

Garen stared at Katarina. "Are you planning to set her up with someone?" What would Ezreal think?

Katarina made a face at him. "You're not the pointiest spear in the armoury, are you?" She glanced out the windows, and something she saw caused her to curse. "Excuse me."

The look on her face seemed odd. Garen prepared to follow her when someone else falls into the seat across from him. Someone male. And Noxian. And male.

"Is this for me?" Draven batted his eyes at him. He pulled the Vanguard's drink towards him. "Well, doesn't Draven feel appreciated?" He laughed and finished off the brew in a gulp.

Garen stared in horror at the executioner across from him.

"What in Jarvan's name are you doing here?" he hissed, readying the fork in his hand in case he needed it.

"Why, simply making sure that Katarina isn't walking into a trap. Draven cares for all of his minions." The Noxian axeman smoothed back his hair.

"I don't know what kind of bribe you're offering her, but why else would she meet you here so far from home?" Draven's tone became sharp, hard. Something feral came into his eyes. "An ugly man nowhere near Draven's levels of looks." He stroked his moustache. "Very unattractive indeed."

Garen took a breath. "If I'm ugly, guess that means you're even worse since Katarina's here with me, not you."

"Katarina is confused. She doesn't know a good man when she sees one, which is why Draven is here to convince her otherwise." Draven glared. "Noxian women belong to Noxian men."

Garen's eyebrow twitched. The executioner has travelled hundreds of miles solely to crash and steal the Vanguard's date. Clearly, there was only one way to deal with this.

Politely.

Garen pulled a waiter aside. "Excuse me, this nonpaying man seems confused as to which table he's sitting at. Could you please escort him to where he's welcomed?"

The waiter turned, his large frame and huge muscles making Garen seem scrawny by comparison. "Sure thing, boss."

Draven flew amazingly well when flung by someone over seven feet tall, Garen noted. He watched the Noxian hit the opposite wall with a satisfying crack before dropping into a garbage heap with a groan.

"Thank you." The Vanguard slipped a large tip into the waiter's hand and turn to make his way to his table. Katarina had still not come back. He sat down and waited through four more drinks before realizing that she might have ditched him.

"Are you looking for your woman?" The huge waiter came up to him. "She slipped out the back a little while ago. It looks like you're stuck with this." He slid the bill over to Garen. His eyes were sympathetic. "Some aren't worth the trouble."

Garen grunted and took out his wallet. The night was a bust. He was going to have a very severe talk with Luxanna about trying to play matchmaker later on.

He wrapped himself up and exited the restaurant when a very familiar woman slipped from the shadows to fall in line with him.

"Sorry, something came up." Katarina sounded breathless. Her hair was messed up, and her clothes were rumpled. Her eyes glittered with something close to excitement. They shifted when she took note of his clothes. "Did you already pay the bill?"

"Someone had to." He yanked his collar closer to himself.

Katarina frowned. She looked down as if deliberating something before reaching into her pocket and dropping some coins into his hands. "Here. This is for my portion."

Garen's good breeding instincts kicked in without his consent.

"I got this one. I certainly don't need—" He looked at the money. His eyes bulged. Katarina had given him enough coin to live in Demacia for a week. How much did this woman have?

"I invest well." Katarina shrugged. "Noxian women take care of themselves." She turned to leave.

"Wait!" Garen pushed her money back into her hands. "I won't accept this tonight. If you would like to argue with me over this, perhaps another meeting is in order? Maybe next week?" He ignored the way his voice shook with the last few words. "Same time, same place?"

Katarina stared at him.

Not knowing what to do, Garen stared back.

There was a long silence in the air.

Garen began to wonder how to excuse himself without blubbering when the assassin broke into a smile. It lit up her face and made all her features seem softer, gentler. It reminded him of why he thought the Sinister Blade was so breath-taking in the first place.

"If you bring your sister again next time, then sure." Katarina shot him a sly smile before disappearing in a cloud of smoke.

Garen let a silly grin slip onto his face, despite being confused about the last part. What about Lux? Oh right, wasn't she fighting someone?

He went around to the side of the building and saw Darius lying in trash heap nearby, groaning and holding his head. Knives jutted out from his armour, and there was a boot mark on his face. His axe was glimmering with the remnants of light magic and was neatly folded in half.

Garen shrugged and climbed the ladder. He'd seen odder sights tonight.

Lux sat on the rooftop, her device headgear hanging down her front. She stared out with a dazed look on her face.

"Are you all right?" Garen ambled up to her. He coughed delicately and turned away when he noticed that her blouse had been misbuttoned. "Lux?"

The Demacian girl jolted out of her reverie. "I'm all right." She jumped up. She smoothed out her wrinkled skirt and messy hair. "Darius tried to crash your date for some reason, but I stopped him."

"Draven did as well, but he's no longer a threat."

Lux frowned. "I must have missed him when I was being...distracted." She was quiet for a long moment. "I don't think you should see Katarina any more. I was wrong about her preferences," she added quickly. "Very wrong."

Garen raised an eyebrow. "But she already agreed to see me next week."

Lux reeled back, her eyes wide. "She did? But she just—" She shook her head. "I don't understand."

Garen frowned. "Well, she invited you too if that helps your understanding of her." Certainly, didn't help his.

Lux bit her lip. "Mind games," she muttered under her breath.

The Demacian Vanguard laid a gentle hand on his sister's shoulder. "Are you afraid that I won't have time for you now that I'm dating? Lay your fears to rest, as that will never be the case."

"That's not it!" Lux hissed, hopping back from his touch. "Trust me, her taste in people does not complement yours." She ran a hand through her mussed up hair. "Uh...in fact, it would be bad for you if you were to continue this."

Something was wrong. Lux was out of breath, and her clothes were very rumpled. Her cheeks were flushed, and she had recently encountered a Noxian that made her ramble about not seeing Katarina when she had been the one who suggested it. Darius was lying at the bottom of the building, and Lux looked at rumpled as Katarina did.

Garen put two and two together.

"Were you doing something with Darius?

"Something related to 'relations'?" Garen's face turned stern. "Noxians are not our friends. They are our enemies, not people to associate wi—" He cuts himself off, aware of the hypocrisy of his words. He thought hard about his next ones. "You could do better than him." Poor Ezrael will be crushed if he hears about this.

Lux looked away. "Uh-huh." She tugged at her disheveled blouse.

Garen slapped his arm around her shoulders. "Anyway, we won't talk more about this tonight. Help me next week again with my date? I would appreciate the aid."

"Brother, I love you, but dear gods, you hurt my head at times."

Garen furrowed his brows. Was that a yes, then? "I know you're still uneasy about the thought of me dating, but I know you will get used to it in time."

Lux looked like she wanted to scream.

Garen kissed her forehead, knowing that she'd come around to the idea eventually.

What could possibly go wrong?

Author's Endnote: Thanks for reading.