Santana – Brittany Break Up Scene [ 4x04 The Break-Up ]

/ Santana's POV /

There were a few moments of silence before she could respond.

'Wow,' she sniffled, wiped a tear with the back of her hand. 'Sad songs make me really sad, and I don't want to be sad.'

I felt the blood rushing through my veins, the adrenaline commanding me to just...hold her, to feel her warmth. I didn't want to do this, every part of me ached and told me to just grab her, and run away to somewhere, somewhere where we could make it work.

I'd already started crying, and I couldn't quite stop it. We were inside the choir room. The place where it all started for us. Where we'd learn to accept ourselves and where we connected through the power of music. It was the one thing that bonded us together, even more tightly than I'd ever imagined. So much has happened in here. This is where I first mustered whatever was left of my low-confidence to sing, even if it was just a chorus, of My Love by Westlife, the song we've been singing together for as long as I could remember. The room was silent, and tiny wisps of wind seemed to caress the tear tracks on my face.

Reality snapped. I bit the inside of my lower lip, trying to pull myself together. Think of her, I tried to focus. Let her go. It's for her own good.

'I-' I tried to start, but it was hard to find my voice, to find the strength. I chewed down hard on the inside of my lower lip, maybe a little too hard - I tasted a lingering of saltiness and the warm, slow flowing of blood. Just a little bit. But that just reminded me why I was here.

'I haven't been a good girlfriend to you,' I tried to avoid her eyes, looking at them would only make it worse. 'I can't come home on the weekends and – and pretend things are the way they weren't – because they aren't. You and I, we know that. We're just too scared, too afraid to admit it.

'And it's selfish, because we both just want to hang on.'

I swallowed. I couldn't look at her at all.

'And – and I don't want to be like all of those, those long-distance relationships that – you know, you hang in there for a few months and then – break up when someone eventually cheats or things get weird.'

Her blue eyes were the largest and sincerest I'd ever seen. They were honest and innocent, and I'd forgotten when I'd last see her so confident and persuasive. She want to prove.

She gave her head a little shake. 'I would never cheat on you.'

Something inside me broke. Shattered.

With those few words, it just made me feel worse. I have been holding her back.

I looked at her, as lovingly as I could. 'I know.

'And I would never cheat on you either.'

I needed something to back me up, a story, or else she'll just hold on, I know. It was a stupid story, I hadn't put much thought into it, I made it up as I went, but hopefully she'll buy it.

'But-' I let out a small sigh. 'But if we're completely honest; I had, I guess the best way to describe it would - an energy exchange?' I told her about the girl I "saw" in the library, and how I'd "felt" something then.

'I had an attraction.' I tried to look ashamed, trying desperately to be as convincing as I could. She need to understand that this is not working. 'And you'd may have had one – or, or you might have one; and, that happens.'

She clocked her head, silently agreeing. She was smart enough to know why I'd got her to come here, and I knew she could tell that this was killing me, and I could tell that it was killing her too.

By this moment, I wished that I had prepared some Kleenex.

I knew that I was in her way too. Having a relationship like this; it only makes everything much more complicated. We knew each other too well, and we loved each other too much to let each other go. This relationship wasn't going to work. What was she supposed to do, move to Louisville after graduation? Or spend all of her time helping me chase a dream that wasn't hers? I knew that she would follow me anywhere, and I didn't want her to waste her life that way. She's a star too, and she has her own future. I'd rather she go after what she wanted, and do whatever she wanted, even if I'm not there beside her. I'd only be in the way.

It's a lot different from when I was dating a guy, or when she was dating a guy. Our history traces far back, and we grew up together, grew up loving each other. Loving her was a part of me, something that was planted in there a long, long time ago. It is a part of me. And having to know someone this well - that means that you can only love her with all of you; all of your being. And that's the only way for her. That means that you can either love her with everything, and give up everything for yourself and for her; or your other option is to try to not love her at all.

But that's impossible. I can keep my feelings, emotions hidden - heck, I've been doing that for years - but she won't be able to. The best solution for her is to move on. To fall in love with someone else.

We've grown to rely on each other for everything; there is no Brittany-Santana between us, it's always been Brittany and Santana. It's time to draw the distinguishing line. I'll always be there when she needs me, but I want her to start relying on herself. To be dependent, and to be whoever she wants to be. And she can't do that if we kept on with this relationship.

But I love her too much, and you never love her more when it's time to let her go. It all comes clearly now.

I didn't know what exactly to say, so I just stared at her face, and I think I really do understand the meaning of love, and what it really feels to let something you love so much... go.

I took a deep breath. 'Let's just do the mature thing here, okay?' My voice was breaking.

She frowned and shook her head, unwilling for this to happen. I looked into her eyes, the pair of blue that I've loved ever since I laid eyes on them. They were a childish fog of May sky, mid-winter blue - soft, gentle and... a child-like haze. Not wanting to give up something she really wanted. Her eyes were wide and shiny; and the empathy link we shared did its work - I could feel what she was feeling.

'This is not an official break-up,' I tried to assure her. I was unwilling to call it a real break-up either. She bit her lip, anxious. 'Let's just be honest that – long distance relationships are, almost impossible to maintain; because both people are rarely getting what they need.' I explained. 'Especially at our age. You understand, I know you do.'

She shrugged as tears fell into her lap. 'This sounds a lot like a break up to me,'

'You know this isn't working.'

I looked straight into her eyes, and everything flashed in my head – all the times we made out, every time we sang together, when we danced together, all our secret handshakes, all those times when she was right next to me while I cried, every single thing we ever did together, every thing that reminded me of her.

When she told me that she loved me.

I tried to process all of that, to send her all of my thoughts through our invisible bond.

'You know I will always love you the most.'

She looked down, cried a little harder.

That was all I could say. I couldn't tell her how special she was to me, how she holds a place inside of me that no one else will ever replace. I couldn't tell her how she made me felt, and how perfect she was to me. All of my thoughts, my feelings, was like a never-ending fountain of emotions for her, just for her. And I couldn't put it in words. They were much more than words.

I leaned in for a kiss, for the last one. She returned it, her lips soft as ever, making me reluctant to leave her. I embraced her, holding her in tightly, assuring her that it'll be alright. She'll survive without me. She can do it.

I felt her tears falling onto my hair, and I shut my eyes, forcing the tears back in. I couldn't let her see me cry even more.

'I love you, too,' she managed to choke through her sobs.

And suddenly I couldn't hold in the tears anymore.

She was the one person so special to me. She always knew how to make me feel loved, and that I wasn't alone. She would stand up for me when people talked behind my back, and she taught me how to love, how to really love. Before meeting her, I'd never known that one can love another this passionately and this strong. I loved every thing about her, always being confused over the simplest things, and her witty comments. She was never afraid to stand up for what she believed in, and she was determined, and confident. All the support she's given me, she was always on my side no matter what. We'd used to have sleepovers on Fridays, and we would stay up all night talking and we'd watch the sunrise. Everything was so beautiful when she was around. I'd start noticing beautiful little details, not just about her, but I started to see beauty in everything. I'd even started to appreciate Berry.

If I could, I would turn back the clock, relive all those moments we shared together. Every second of that was so special, and I'll keep them in a little chest labeled 'Brittany', where it's stored in the deepest part of my heart.

Everything was so much easier before graduation.

Oh, take me back to the start.

AN: Thanks everyone for reading this! I was watching the episode for like the tenth time, and this time I decided to write it. I was listening to The Scientist while writing so pardon the use of lyrics :P I'm so sorry I haven't been posting for a long, long time; but work... you know.

Peace, love