I lay sprawled out on Edward's bed, idly flipping through the pages of Pride and Prejudice, waiting. The Cullen household was eerily quiet. With the exception of Alice and myself, the house was empty. Emptyness was never a good sign for me.
Alice had decided to lay off of the wedding plans for the day, instead rummaging through her massive closet, purging all items she deemed 'out of season.' I fled her room, knowing if I stuck around, MY closet back home would suddenly be much fuller than I had left it this morning. Edward was out hunting with the rest of the family, deciding that he'd had enough wedding planning as well. I had grumbled at him before he left this morning. He just smiled his crooked smile, and kissed my forehead goodbye.
I couldn't keep my focus on the pages in front of me, and tossed the paperback onto the floor. When it landed with a dull thud, I cringed, watching more pages jar themselves loose from the binding. No wonder I always needed new copies of my favorites, between constant readings and my rejection of them, the novels were abused.
Dismissing the book from my mind, I searched for any sort of inspiration, anything to disperse my boredom and loneliness. Yes, I missed Edward terribly, even when the rational side of my brain knew he'd be back before nightfall. But, this was the same rational side of my brain that Edward and Emmett never failed to remind me *didn't* cue up my flight instinct when it came to danger. Instead, it embraced it with open arms.
I burrowed my head in my arms with a sigh, the silence deafening. Suddenly, I knew what I needed. Music. I fumbled blindly for the remote to Edward's stereo, which I knew was somewhere on the vast golden comforter. Of course, me being who I was, couldn't simply close her fingers around the plastic, I had to knock it off the bed, and then take a tumble myself as I strained to reach it, rather than sitting up, and searching for the remote properly. One day, I'd learn.
"Oof." Luckily I landed on a stray pillow and not the hard floor. Scowling at the offending remote, I jabbed the shuffle button, waiting impatiently as the iPod whirred to life. I skipped over the first few tracks in a matter of seconds, not in the mood for bubbly pop music, nor Christmas music. One of these days, I'd make playlists to fit my moods…
A familiar drum pattern played over the speakers as I climbed back on the bed, flopping on my back, letting my eyes drift close, allowing the music to consume me.
Show me how you do that trick
The one that makes me scream" she said
"The one that makes me laugh" she said
And threw her arms around my neck
Show me how you do it
And I promise you
I promise that
I'll run away with you
I'll run away with you
I was a sucker for The Cure when I was in a contemplative mood, and this song had always spoken to me, more so after…. I shook my head. No, I wouldn't think about it. I was determined not to bawl my eyes out over this song anymore. I needed to get back to being able to enjoy them again.
Spinning on that dizzy edge
I kissed her face and kissed her head
And dreamed of all the different ways I had
To make her glow
"Why are you so far away?" she said
"Why won't you ever know that I'm in love with you
That I'm in love with you"
I knew the instant I passed into the second verse, that listening this song would be a mistake, but yet, I couldn't bring myself to change tracks. My heart was telling my brain that I needed this, that at the end of the three and a half minutes, it would be worth the pain. My brain was screaming that it didn't want to deal with it anymore, that keeping the pain locked up was worth it.
You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans
Twisting in the water
You're just like a dream
Daylight licked me into shape
I must have been asleep for days
And moving lips to breathe her name
I opened up my eyes
And found myself alone alone
Alone above a raging sea
That stole the only girl I loved
And drowned her deep inside of me
You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Just like heaven
I couldn't stop the tears from flowing down my cheeks as Robert Smith's haunting voice dredged up the memories I worked so hard to repress, even now, now that I knew Edward wasn't leaving me again. This had been the song I had heard on the radio the day I decided to not wait for Jake, the day cliff diving had seemed like a fantastic adrenaline rush….the day I went to save the love of my life, no, the love of my existence.
Actually focusing on the words made the pain even more real. I couldn't remember the last time I had done that, to any song, not just this one.
I sat up with a gasp, a gentle tap at the door breaking me from my thoughts. "Co-come in."
My voice stuttered as I choked back tears.
"Bella, love, it's okay." Those four words grounded me, centered my whirlpooling mind. "I'm here. I'm not leaving."
Suddenly, I knew. I'd be able to listen to this song again. The release of emotions was catharthic. The hole in the center of my chest, healed.
"I missed you." I muttered into his arms.
A/N - I was listening to this song in my headphones the other night, and the bolded lines reminded me of Bella's cliff-diving incident. I wanted to write a quick piece into her mind, at how she'd feel actually listening to the lyrics, instead of using it as background noise. Thoughts? Thanks for taking the time to read. And sorry if the formatting is off, I'm a little rusty at this.
Edited - to fix the lead singer's name. It's Robert Smith, not Robert Plant. Oops. :-)