The fire waned slowly, flickering with just enough light to cast a sickly orange glow on Elissa's face. She sat up on her bedroll, a wool blanket wrapped around her shoulders as her mabari lay curled at her feet. Her eyes remained glued to the dark spire reaching out from the center of Lake Calenhad. The acrid smell of the halls had not yet cleared from her senses, the nightmares and abominations lingered in her vision if she closed her eyes.
She huffed out a long breath, shifting only when her mabari rolled himself over on top of her toes. The bedroll next to her own stirred, a bleary groan coming from the Alistair-sized lump under the blanket. For the first time since everyone had retired for the night, Elissa tore her gaze away from the tower. She looked to Alistair as he slowly righted himself, rubbing sleep from his eyes and yawning.
"Another nightmare?" she asked, voice hollow and empty.
Alistair shook his head, yawning once more. "No, it was someone flopping over on my legs." He squinted at the sleeping mabari, but shook his head with a dull chuckle. "But I could ask you the same question."
Elissa sighed again, looking back toward the tower in the lake. After a minute she shook her head. "No. I… I can't sleep."
Alistair frowned, scooting closer to her. "What's wrong?"
She closed her eyes, feeling the urge to cry start to surge in her gut. "I… I lied to you, Alistair, when I told you what I saw when the demon trapped us in the Fade." She opened her eyes and bit her bottom lip as she looked to him. Expecting the worst. Frustration, even perhaps anger for not sharing the truth. Instead she found nothing but sympathy in his soft gaze.
He reached out an arm, wrapping it gently around her shoulders and pulling her against his side. Elissa tucked her head under his chin, closing what distance she could between them to make the position more comfortable. There was a sharp chill against her toes as they wriggled free from under the sleeping furnace that was her mabari.
Elissa stared into the fire now, the dimming glow barely creating enough light to see. She opened and closed her mouth several times, struggling to find her words. Alistair must have noticed, or sensed her hesitance. He pressed a gentle kiss to her temple.
"You don't have to tell me," he assured her.
She wanted to, Maker she wanted to, yet Elissa was not certain she could keep her composure if she did. Losing herself, even for just a brief time, was not an option. Not when the fate of Ferelden sat squarely on her shoulders. Not when her relationships with the others of their rag tag group teetered on the edge of trust in her leadership ability as it was.
"Thank you," she murmured. She curled up closer to him, another sigh escaping her lips. "The… tower still bothers me," she said after a long moment.
He gave an inquisitive hum, running one hand absently up and down her arm as he gazed into the dying fire.
Elissa rubbed her forehead with one hand before nestling against him once more. "Everything we saw, it…" She heaved a sigh. "It was all so wrong." Her voice dropped even lower as she continued. "Alistair did we do the right thing?"
Silence settled then as Alistair pondered over her question. His brows furrowing slightly as he considered all possibilities before answering. "I would have made the same choice, if that's what you're asking."
The confirmation did not settle Elissa's nerves all that much. "Even after-?"
"Yes," he replied immediately. "Even after everything we saw. If we don't show mercy, if we don't give people a chance… then how would we be any different than the darkspawn we've been fighting?"
She nodded her head slowly. He was right, of course, but it did not change the doubts that constantly sank into her heart. The feeling that no matter what she did, it would be the wrong choice. "You're right, I guess…"
"What, you can't just leave it at 'I'm right'?" A cheeky grin lit across his features. Elissa rolled her eyes, elbowing him in the side. "There's my girl," he replied jovially.
"You're terrible," she quipped.
"You love it."
Elissa tipped her head up to look at him, the barest hints of a smile at the corners of her mouth. "I do," she whispered.
Alistair grinned at her, planting a kiss to each corner of her mouth before capturing her lips completely. In one swift motion, he released her shoulder and situated himself over her lap on his knees. He pushed her back down against her bed roll gently, breaking the kiss only when her back hit the blanket.
"We should, uh, probably try to sleep." Not that she'd complain about other activities if it meant not thinking about that nightmare they'd left behind on the other side of the lake.
"I don't know about you," Alistair hummed. "But I'm not tired enough yet."
Elissa rolled her eyes, but snagged a fistful of the front of his tunic to tug him down again. Happy, more than happy, to use this opportunity to forget about the world. For however brief that time would be.