Cross my heart and hope to die

Burn my lungs and curse my eyes

I've lost control and I don't want it back

Chloe Beale was in love with Beca Mitchell, but she wasn't so sure Beca would say the same anymore.

She loved the tiny DJ with all her heart, yet she didn't know if Beca loved her.

No one knew she thought this, and she wanted to keep it that way.

She didn't want Beca to know what she thought, she didn't want to break the smaller girl.

Chloe's POV

'Can't you see? She doesn't love you, she never did.'

'Beca Mitchell has never loved you Chloe, not for one second!'

'Who could anyway? Too clingy, too overprotective, too touchy, too talkative, who could love her?'

'Nobody will ever love you, nobody will need her, nobody ever has.'

I hold my head as the voices get louder and louder.

"Stop! Just stop!" I yell into the empty apartment.

'You know it's true Chloe. How could badass Beca Mitchell love you, the girly, talkative, clingy chick who hasn't left her alone since she met her?'

'Beca will never love you Chloe, nobody will, nobody ever has.'

'Not even your parents did, you were a mistake.'

I squeezed my eyes shut and slid down the wall.

'Oh Chloe, don't you see? Nobody needs you, nobody loves you, and nobody will miss you if you were gone.'

I held my head tighter.

I always knew this would happen if I drank too much.

It always did, that's why I rarely drank anymore.

But tonight, on the night of my three year anniversary of being with Beca, I did.

She didn't wish me a happy anniversary, she didn't say goodbye before going to work, and she didn't even look at me.

And that's when it sunk in.

'Maybe it's true, Beca doesn't love me anymore, maybe she never did.' I thought to myself.

I got up and headed to the bathroom, I hadn't done this in three years, now I break the record.

'That's it Chloe, it's better this way. The pain will be gone and no one will miss you. Not Beca, not Aubrey, not your parents, not the Bellas, who could, you're easy to forget, you're plain, nothing makes you special.'

A sob escapes my throat as a reach into the draw.

I pull out the blade and roll up my sleeve and all my scars become visible.

I cut and I cut, I don't stop until my forearms are covered in blood.

I let out another sob.

I'm going numb, I've been hijacked

It's a fucking drag

I remembered the first kiss I ever shared with Beca.

It was the best night of my life.

She had actually kissed me first.

I was so surprised, I almost didn't react, but I did, and I tangled my hands into her soft hair.

I remember the way her lips tasted.

I remember the way they fit perfectly against my own.

I remember how soft they felt.

I remember how she told me she loved me.

The tears continued falling down my face.

I remember the last two years.

We barely kissed.

We barely talked.

We barely saw each other.

She was almost never home.

And when she got back from work, she'd go straight to bed, and when I woke up the next morning, she'd already be gone.

She hadn't even told me she loved me since our one year anniversary.

Not once.

Maybe she just doesn't love me anymore.

Maybe she's causing me all this pain on purpose, to show me that she never really cared.

I let out another sob and pulled off my pants.

I taste you on my lips and I can't get rid of you

So I say damn your kiss and the awful things you do

Yeah, you're worse than nicotine, nicotine

Yeah, you're worse than nicotine, nicotine

I looked at my thighs and saw all the scars that were left behind.

Years of cutting could do that to someone.

I passed my fingers over the scars slowly.

I laughed quietly.

"It's funny Beca, you're the one who saved me the last time, but now you're the cause of it." I say to nobody.

I took the blade and passed it across my thigh over and over and over again until I couldn't feel any pain.

I looked at the blood and sobbed.

I remember the day Beca found me cutting.

'There was a knock at my door.

Aubrey had gone out, and I was alone again.

The person knocked again.

"Chloe, you there?"

It was Beca.

I quickly dried the blood on my wrists and hid the towel.

I pulled down my sleeves and opened the door.

"Sorry, I was listening to music,"

Beca smiled and nodded.

"Can we hang out? Kimmy Jin has all her friends over and it's crowded,"

"Sure, sure,"

I move from the door so she can come in.

I closed the door and turned to Beca.

When she saw me she gasped.

I looked down at my wrist.

'Shit!'

My sleeve had gotten caught on something and went up my arm.

"Chloe, w-why?"

I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came out.

I felt the tears build up and start to fall.

I lost it.

I fell to my knees and sobbed.

I felt someone wrap their arms around me and I cried harder.

"Shhh, everything's gonna me okay. You'll be okay," Beca whispered in my ear as she rubbed my back.'

She tried so hard to help me.

And she did, but now she wasn't here to help me.

She was far away, causing it instead.

My thighs were full of blood.

I needed another source of pain.

I found a lighter in the kitchen and put my hand over it.

I felt my hand burn, but didn't move it away.

This was even better than cutting.

It's better to burn than to fade away

It's better to leave than to be replaced

I'm losing to you, baby, I'm no match

I couldn't feel anything, anymore.

I just couldn't feel anything.

And I was okay with that.

I preferred it that way.

I wanted it to be like this forever.

I decided that Beca needed to know.

I picked up the phone and called her.

"Hi! This is Beca, I can't make it to the phone write now, so leave a message or send me a quick text,"

Of course she wouldn't pick up.

I taste you on my lips and I can't get rid of you

So I say damn your kiss and the awful things you do

Yeah, you're worse than nicotine, nicotine

Yeah, you're worse than nicotine ,nicotine

Yeah

Why would she?

She didn't love me, no one did.

So no one would miss me.

I just wanted to feel her lips on mine one last time though.

But I couldn't.

I couldn't take it anymore.

"Hey, it's Chloe. I don't know why it took me this long, but it did. It took me this long to see that you don't love me anymore. You barely talk to me, you don't kiss me, you rarely look at me, and you haven't told me you loved me in over two years. I just can't anymore Becs, I can't. I don't know what I did to our relationship, but I'm sorry. If you had told me, I would have tried to fix it. But it doesn't matter anymore. By the time you come home, I'll be gone,"

I took a deep breath.

"You may not love me anymore, but I still love you. I always have and I always will. Goodbye Beca,"

I'm going numb, I've been hijacked

It's a fucking drag

Just one more hit and then we're through

'Cause you could never love me back

Cut every tie I have to you

'Cause your love's a fucking drag

But I need it so bad

Your love's a fucking drag

But I need it so bad

I ended the call and picked up my blade again.

I held a picture of me and Beca kissing in my hand.

I passed the blade over my artery and lay there, waiting for the darkness to consume me.

"I love you Beca," I whispered.

"And I always will, even if you've stopped loving me,"

Yeah, you're worse than nicotine, nicotine

Yeah, you're worse than nicotine, nicotine.

Yeah

…

A/N

A couple of my buddies pushed me to continue this with another song, but this time, it being Beca coming home to find Chloe, so I'll be doing that as soon as I find the right song and find the inspiration. Hope you liked it, and if you have any song you think would be good for the next, send me a message or something.