Badly Kept Secrets

Diary,

Why is it that men drive you insane every second of every day?

Insane in one way or another.

Some days they just plain annoy you, others they annoy you because they can't annoy you. And that drives me insane.

Dawson Leery for instance, a very good example of the insanity inducing male specimein. One minute you're dating and he's the sweetest guy on the planet and the next he annoys you so much that you want to grab the closest blunt instrument you can find and hit him over the head with it – even if it the 1500 laptop you got for your birthday. But I didn't actually hit him; instead I chose the route with the least punishing custodial sentence. Ending it.

Yes that's right. I Josephine Potter am free. I ended it. Not because I was bored, or because I was running away but because if I didn't I would have committed homicide. And it comes to a point where homicide is just a criminal act too far… y'know?

Quite dramatic conclusion you may presume but as you are just a book filled with my thoughts I hugely doubt that you will judge me on it.

But then there's one other male specimein. Pacey J Witter. He is annoying in the true sense of the word. He's loud, and brazen, and bursts into my life when I don't want him to and insist on doing something purely idiotic which in turn annoys me because it turns out being idiotic is indeed very much fun.

However, even though he does annoy me, he annoys me in the funniest of ways and I would never even think about hitting him with my 1500 prized possession of a laptop which I got for my birthday.

It puzzles me as to why I feel that way but I think that the level of fun I have with him completely outdoes the amount of boredom I have with Dawson which gives me time in my daydreaming schedule to even dream up the possibility of hitting him over the head with my 1500 laptop and serving a custodial sentence for murder in the first degree.

He is my safety net, he is the person who keeps me out of prison purely because I try so hard to keep him out I have no time for myself.

even now I see him approaching with that ridiculously annoying but sweet red shirt with Hawaiian flowers on that I would burn… however not with him in it which is the difference between him and Dawson, I would certainly think about burning that shirt if Dawson Leery was in it… especially if Dawson Leery was in it but I think maybe that Is because of the way he has been treating me lately.

Don't get me wrong though, I don't not love Dawson, but I do still see him every day at school and we still talk and I still see him every single Friday night to watch hideously artistic and wonderful movies but I still will always have that need to hit him with something.

And don't get me wrong about Pacey either, I don't want him or anything I just want to enjoy time not wanting to hurt someone with my 1500 laptop I got for my birthday.

I want fun with Pacey, which I would never even dared admit in front of him in the fear of him turning even more egotistical than he is now. I want fun with Dawson but that will never happen as fun to Dawson is watching the director's commentary of ET followed by an in-depth three hour documentary about the making of Schindler's list. But I do want fun with both of them which usually ends in a fight.

I want serious time with Dawson, which is every time with Dawson. And I want serious time with Pacey too which happens if I beg him for it but which eventually ends in the conversation getting too heavy and him turning it into a tickling fest or a joke, which, in turn ends in me storming out the door and him leaving five messages on my answering machine in the voice of Mickey Mouse or Alvin and the chipmunks begging for my forgiveness.

I guess a girl can't have everything. Can she?