South Park is owned by Matt Stone and Trey Parker

Party Trick

By Cell12

WARNING: Cartman's party trick is completely made up by myself and it is not something anyone should ever try for themselves. It is dangerous, stupid and could lead to serious injury or even death.

"Hey guys has Cartman ever shown you his amazing party trick?" Kenny asked while trying to look innocent.

Stan, Kyle and Kenny were all over at Cartman's house sitting around the TV in the living room.

South Park wasn't exactly a fun place to hanging-out with friends. The Town itself was almost always icy cold - only heating up for a few brief weeks in summer. During this time the town's children and teens seemed to go mad with a craving for sunbathing and outdoor activities. Sadly the snow and cold returned way too soon. Teenage boys, too young to drive a car but old enough to want some independence, were left with the choice of; hanging out at the crappy local mall and running the gauntlet of merciless teasing from all the high-school girls who packed the place, joining one of the youth community groups (like Butters) and be regarded a complete loser, spending time with their parents and families or hanging-out at one of their friends houses.

Our four gallant heroes chose the last option, of course. Cartman's house was also the obvious choice. Kyle's mom was far too controlling to allow teenagers any fun in her home. Stan's house was even worse - his dad tried to act cool and join in with them! Kenny's parents were pretty laid back but their house had no big screen TV, no proper heating, no video games and, worst of all, no snacks.

By default Cartman's house had become their regular hang-out. Despite the obvious drawback of Cartman being bossy and strangely house-proud, the four friends quickly saw the benefit of Mrs Cartman being out most evenings. It left them alone and mostly unsupervised, with only the regular telephone calls from Kyle's mother to spoil their hanging out.

"What party trick?" Kyle asked. He wasn't really interested, it was more a matter of his lack of interest in the TV show Cartman was insistent upon watching, his weekend homework already being completed and his mind being unable to think of anything better to do right at that moment.

"It's really awesome," Kenny enthused, "you've got to see this." The blonde boy jumped to his feet and grabbed Cartman's arm trying to tug the reluctant fat-ass up and off the sofa.

"Kinney," Cartman complained, "ah'm watching Homes of the Rich and Convicted." The larger boy used his free hand to gesture towards the TV.

Just then the show switched to commercials.

"Come on Cartman, show them." Kenny tugged with enthusiasm. As Cartman reluctantly rose to his feet, Kenny turned to his other two friends, "I couldn't believe it when he showed me last week. It is something that you've just got to see."

"What is it?" Stan asked starting to get interested by Kenny's enthusiasm.

"Just come into the kitchen," Kenny replied. "You too Kyle," Kenny winked slyly.

Stan and Kyle followed Kenny into the kitchen, Cartman reluctantly followed.

"Ah'm only doing this to shut Kinney up," Cartman said loudly as he entered the room.

Kenny had opened the fridge and had grabbed a bottle of cola. He placed it reverently on the kitchen table.

"Ah don't want you guys thinking anything weird about this," Cartman told Stan and Kyle. "Ah've only ever done this with cola bottles, so don't start implying anything else."

Kyle and Stan both agreed that they wouldn't, even though they still weren't quite sure just what Cartman was going to do yet.

Kyle watched as Cartman grabbed the cola bottle off the table. He brushed the bottle with his hand, rubbing away and real or imagined dust, before raising the bottle onto the air. Holding the bottle by the cap Cartman lowered the bottle, end first, into his open mouth. Amazingly it fit and even more amazingly more and more of the bottle entered the Fat-asses mouth until only the cap was left. Eric held onto the cap with just his thumb and forefinger his lips clasping tight against the bottle neck.

"How is that even possible?" Was Kyle's first thought without realising he'd said it aloud. His second thought was to register just how hot it was that Cartman could take something so long and thick into his mouth and throat. The guy must have absolutely no gag reflex whatsoever. Kyle could feel a swelling in his jeans that he didn't want to draw attention to. Instead he just stood there slack-jawed and stunned.

Stan stared for a few seconds before turning away, feeling slightly nauseous.

Eventually Cartman withdrew the bottle out of his mouth and gasped for breath, "Nothing to say Kahl?"

Kyle struggled to speak for a few seconds before asking, "How can you do that?"

Cartman shrugged, "It's easy with a little practice. It also helps that I inherited having no gag reflex from mah mehm."

"It also helps that you're a massive fat-ass who shovels vast amounts of food into your mouth non-stop all day," Kyle had to say something normal so no-one would realise just how turned on he was.

"You're just stunned by mah epic cunnilingus prowess Kahl."

"No I'm not," Kyle tried to sound casual but failed.

"Don't lie Kahl. Any gay guy, who sees me do that, will want me." Cartman turned to Kenny, "If you saw a girl do that you'd want to be with them, right?"

Kenny nodded enthusiastically, "Fuck yes. I even get horny watching you do it."

Cartman grinned smugly at Kyle, "See, ah could easily pull any ghay guy in town if ah wanted."

Stan turned back to his friends, "That was sick dude."

Kenny was grinning, "I told you that it was awesome," he patted Cartman on the back.

The faint sounds of the commercials finishing could be heard.

"Mah program," Cartman rushed back into the living room, barging past Stan and Kyle on the way.

"Did you like what you saw Kyle?" Kenny asked quietly.

Stan looked puzzled at his two friends. Was Kenny suggesting that Kyle was gay for Cartman?

Kyle struggled internally for a couple more seconds before replying, "Don't be stupid Kenny, it was just the Fat-ass being his usual fat-ass self."

"So, why has your face turned so red then?" Kenny mocked, before running off to join Cartman on the couch.

"You can't like Fat-ass Kyle," Stan whispered, "Your mom is, just about, okay with you being gay but if you brought home Cartman as your boyfriend."

"No," Kyle paused in the doorway to answer while staring at the back of Cartman's head. "I can't like him."

Authors Note: This is a short Kyman one-shot that I've had partly written on a pen drive for a couple of years.

Homes Of The Rich and Convicted is a made-up TV show but I could actually see a show like that being made.