I let go… I simply let go. As I was under that car, fighting to live realisation came over me: if I let go, this'll all be over. So I did. This will sound cliché, but there is clarity in death, you really see what life is. Life is an unknown journey through many terrains; some parts rocky and difficult some parts smooth and easy. When it comes to an end you never really leave, you linger in memories and in random conversation. This is the best way I guess.
Looking on it now, letting go was the best decision. What would be the point in clutching to the flimsy threads of life if, when my mangled, broken body is found to be put back together like a pointless jigsaw. I wouldn't have wanted people whom I love and care about sitting by my bedside holding my hand and talking at my vegetable of a body. No, there would have been no point. But sooner or later in this void which is death, I will miss life and wonder what would have been if I had held on. Would Gil and I have put all the sexual tension behind us and actually got on and moved in together? How many more cases would I have helped solve? Questions with unknown answers. I am now just another homicide case, another closed file, another statistic. She was too young they'll say she will be missed greatly but what they will remember was how I just let go…
I am not going to say that my life was great, because it was not. My childhood was not a box of chocolates, and growing up to interact with dead people was not my childhood dream. I never really thought about my own death, but I never imagined it would all end like this! Under a car! By some psycho woman! No I did not see this coming, but I suppose it is better to just die, than to know that you're going to die and count down the minutes and second until the dark descends, and life is released with the last breath.
I wonder how Gil will cope, I hope he will. There was a real spark between us and most of all that is what I'll miss. The feel of his hand on my cheek. The sound of his voice in my ear. I hope Nick won't hate me, because he held on until we found him, and he moved on. But he has more to live for than I do… sorry, did. I have a new terrain to cover now. An eternal void to wonder and look back on my life, I wonder if I should have held on, well its too late now.I let go... i simply let go.