Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot line.
A/N: This isn't exactly funny. It's 4 am and I'm just not really feeling the funny. But inspiration struck. Please read and review. I'd love to hear your thoughts.
"So tell me dear Isabella Swan, have you ever had naughty dreams about anyone but Eddie poo here?"
I gulped. "No," I managed to squeak out.
After a few short antagonizing moments, Emmett shouted, "LIE! Who Bells? WHO?!"
"I plead the fifth…" I murmured. I didn't dare even glance at Edward.
"Was it Jacob Black?" Asked Edward quietly.
I turned to look him in the eye. "No."
"Truth," called out Emmett.
"Was it that foul Mike Newton?" Rose asked, a hint of a smile playing on her lips. She'd love it to be Mike. Even if we were a lot closer now she would still love to see me in misery.
I laughed. "Umm, eww…No?" I answered.
"Truth," said Emmett, sounding slightly disappointed.
Edward looked both pleased and puzzled. Who else was there in his mind? I saw his lips move as he went over every possibility. It seems none of the ones he thought of we're a possibility in his mind.
Finally he asked, "Was it one of my brothers?"
Shit! How did he come to that conclusion? I blushed furiously. This is going to be hella embarrassing. "No," I answered. My voice was barely above a whisper but I knew everyone heard me. Hell they could have heard me if they were just about anywhere in the house.
"Lie…" Emmett managed to get out.
Emmett and Jasper both stared at me. Neither of them thought of me as anything more than there little sister, Edwards soul mate. Alice and Rosalie simply looked furious. If only they knew…
"Which one?" Edward inquired. He didn't sound as upset as I thought he would. I thought he would be near murderous at this point.
Why lie now? I bit the bullet and whispered, "Both."
Every single vampire in the room froze. No one so much as breathed until Alice began laughing. Soon Edward too was in near hysterics. I could only assume Alice had a vision and Edward saw it in her mind. Damn psychics and mind readers. Thank god Edward can't reach me in here.
"Go ahead Jazz. Ask her!" giggled Alice.
"What…umm…what happened?" Jasper looked truly uncomfortable. "In the dream that is…"
Jasper looked very strange. Maybe everyone's emotions were getting to him.
I blushed deeper scarlet. Why can't anyone in the family ever let anything go?
"I dreamed…that I…walked in while Emmett and Jasper…were changing…and they were…umm…kind of…making out…with each other…" I finally managed to get out.
I grabbed the pillow sitting on the couch next to me and buried my face in it. The room was once again silent. Then it sounded like someone was ringing a hundred bells as all my favorite vampires laughed.
"Wow love. You never cease to surprise me. We should do this more often. I believe it's your turn to ask Bella a question Alice."
Alice looked me straight in the eye. She was contemplating her question. It was very frightening to say the least.
"Will you marry Edward?"
Holy crow! I call foul! Since when can the sis pop the question for her brother?!
"NO!" I shouted.
"LIE!" Emmett shouted back.
Everyone's eyes snapped to Emmett, though mine must have been the most surprised. Edward looked beyond happy.
"Regardless of what that absurd little machine says I will not marry Edward right now. One day but not now. Next question."
"But…" began Esme.
"Next question!" I said before she could get any farther.
"Fine. It's my turn so my question is…Have you ever tried to seduce Edward?" asked Esme. I'll admit. It shocked me. Esme asking me a sexual question? What are the odds? Oh yeah this is me we're talking about. The odds are always against me.
"Yes," I answered. Why freaking lie at this point? Emmett had walked in on Edward and I the last time I attempted to seduce him.
"You all suck! My turn again! Bella, have you ever seen Eddie poo naked?"
Someone should really put a muzzle on that idiot…even if he is favorite brother. "Depends on how naked where talking here."
"We're talking full on nudity baby!"
"Then…yes…"
"You've seen the prude naked…Yet your both still sexually repressed." Emmett laughed.
"Idiot," I stated simply. Actually to be honest I'm kind of bored. I started singing to pass the time.
"I've got a pocket, got a pocket full of sunshine. I've got a love and I know that is all mine. Oh… Ohwahoh… Do what you want but your never gonna break me. Sticks and stones are never gonna shake me. Oh… Ohwahoh…"
"Love? Are you alright?" Edward asked, looking at me like he thought I might have finally snapped. Maybe I had…
"Of course I'm fine. I'm just bored. Who's up now?"
"Carlisle?" Edward said unsure.
"Okay. Please don't hold this against me darling Bella. Have you ever thought of anyone other than Edward in a sexual way?" Carlisle asked. His face repentant.
What the hell? Since when do the rents ask the embarrassing questions? This is probably there way of making sure I'm good enough for there son…
"Yes…"
"She's telling the truth. Hmm…was it about me and Jasper?"
"No."
"Damn she's telling the truth again. Was it about Mike Newton?"
"No," I wasn't going to give Emmett the satisfaction of just coming right out and saying who it was. I was keeping this one close to my chest. Not that it's really any big deal.
"Was it that dog?"
"I've never thought about a dog sexually Em. I'm not into beastiality."
"God Bells I didn't know you had it in you to make such a joke. Was it about Jacob?"
"No," I answered sighing. He really should just give up and quit guessing. He's never going to get it.
"Was it perhaps about a certain father figure of mine?"
Oh my giddy gods trousers. He did not seriously just ask me that…So help me god when I'm changed I'm going to kick his ass from here to kingdom come!
"NO! That's just wrong! He's like a second father to me. That's just gross Emmett."
"Well then who?"
Edward laughed. He once again seemed way to calm. Doesn't he care that I had sexual thoughts about someone other than him?
"Was it Romeo or Heathcliff or Mr. Darcy?" Edward asked. Sure he would get it in one guess. That's why he's my soul mate.
"Romeo of course. And Paris. But we're not going there." I once imagined what it would be like to be Juliet with them. Let's just say my imagination got the best of me.
"You had a sexual fantasy about a fictional character?!" Emmett interrogated.
"Yes Emmett I did. Rose it's your turn."
This should be interesting to say the least. Rose always knew how to get under my skin. I don't think she did it intentionally though. It's just a part of who she is.
"Hmm…Let me think about that," Rose said, trying to come up with the perfect question. Knowing her it would be a simple, yet powerful, question.
"I've got it. Have you ever lied to Edward about anything important?"
Had I? I don't think I have. Sure I'd lied about a few small things here and there but anything important? I don't think so.
"No," I answered.
"Umm…Lie?" Emmett said. He sounded somewhat unsure.
Wow…I tried to think of what I lied about. I couldn't really come up with anything.
"Well if I didn't then I don't remember. Seriously. I can't think of anything important that I've lied to Edward about."
"Why the worry Bella?" Jasper asked. He looked very confused. I bet it's hard for him to be able to feel the emotion but never be able to know the source.
"Because…I can't remember something I apparently lied about. That's kind of big don't you think?"
"Nah your human. It's only natural."
"Whatever. It's your turn to ask a question…What's it going to be?"
Jasper looked thoughtful. Why can't they think of there questions while they wait for there turn? It would make this torture go faster. The only reason I agreed to this was because Alice promised no shopping for 2 whole months. Sounds like heaven to me. As much as I love her she can be an annoying little pixie who needs her credit cards hidden…or better yet destroyed.
"Would you like to get away from here and go to the meadow with Edward?"
What kind of question was that?
"Yes I would."
"Then go. I think we've tortured you enough for one day. Besides Edward's emotions are getting to me."
I looked at Edward confused. He looked fine to me. He was sitting in his chair facing me. Emmett didn't allow him to sit with me because he thought it might affect the results of the test. Edward's eyes were closed and if you looked closely he seemed to be concentrating on something very hard.
"What exactly is he feeling?" I asked.
Jasper glanced at Edward then said, "Lust. Intense, over whelming lust. I'm about to seconds away from grabbing Alice and running upstairs. It's taking all the self restraint I have right now not to."
"Wow…Would you like to go to our meadow Edward?"
Without answering, Edward scooped me up and threw me on his back.
"See y'all later!" I shouted as we ran out the back door.
A/N: This is a one shot I wrote after reading a similar story. I own nothing but the plot. I know it's not the best but please review and tell me what you think. I might add on another couple chapters. Like maybe post Breaking Dawn and have Maggie be the lie detector since traditional lie detectors obviously wouldn't work on vampires. Have it be done on Edward…Nessie…Jacob…Emmett…We'll and love,TeaCullen