Beginners Luke
A Gilmore Girls
fanfic
by Pjazz
2009
Stars Hollow in the springtime. Lorelai and Rory, deep in conversation, head for Luke's diner for their customary breakfast.
"Remember how people believed if you play Beatles records backwards you hear freaky stuff like 'I'm the devil'?"
"So I've heard," Rory agreed, knowing it was best to humour her mother at times like this.
"Well, if you play a Tom Cruise DVD backwards it says 'Join the Scientologists'. How freaky is that?"
"How d'you play a DVD backwards?"
"That's the last time we rent 'War of the Worlds', missy."
"You really don't like Tom Cruise, do you?"
"Said the vice-president of the Free Katie Holmes Liberation Army."
"We're an army? Ooh - do we get to wear berets?"
"Only on weekends. The rest of the time we wear mufti."
"What is mufti exactly? I've always wondered."
"I don't know. Some kind of tulle?"
Luke's Diner stood before them. They enter. Lorelai looks around in surprise.
"Wait. Something's different."
"Looks the same to me."
"No, no, it's different. My spidey sense is tingling."
"You have a spidey sense?"
"Crappy tablecloths, check. Cheap fittings, check. Crabby owner, check.
Luke sighs. The madness has begun early today. "What can I get you?" he asks.
"Surprise us."
"The usual coming right up."
"So Luke, what's different?"
"Different?"
"Yeah, something's different. I can tell."
"Her spidey sense is tingling," Rory explained.
"Spidey sense? I thought you hated spiders."
"Only normal spiders. I'm fine with the radioactive ones."
"Well, I got a dartboard. Is that what's different?"
Lukes points to a dartboard hanging on the wall.
"Oh. My. God. Indoor sports."
"Is darts a sport?" Rory ponders. "I thought it was more a pastime."
"When did you get a dartboard?"
"I picked one up yesterday in Hartford. No big deal."
"No big deal? What about the time I begged you to install a pinball machine?"
"A pinball machine is not a sport."
"Ah - hello, you score points. How is that not a sport?"
"You press two stupid flippers. That's all you do. Plus it's noisy. And the one you wanted had pictures of men in make up."
"A Kiss pinball machine. What's not to like? Great music, and tips on how not to apply foundation."
"Since when d'you like sports anyway?"
"Uh, always. I'm a huge baseball fan."
"Really. Name one player."
"Um...give me a second here..."
"Take all the time you need."
"Babe Ruth!"
"Well done, mom. I'm proud of you," Rory told her.
"A baseball player who hasn't been dead for like a hundred years."
"Picky picky."
"Was Babe Ruth named after the chocolate bar? Or the chocolate bar named after Babe Ruth?" Rory wondered.
"The eternal question," Luke replied rolling his eyes.
"I'd love to have a chocolate bar named after me."
"You would."
"The Lorelai Gilmore? No. Doesn't really have a confectionary-type ring to it," Rory said sadly.
"Stupid name. Why couldn't I have been called Hershey?"
"Like Babara Hershey."
"Exactly. What ever happened to Babara Hershey anyway.?"
"If she's miles away from you she can count herself truly blessed," Luke told her.
"So sailor, aren't you going to give us gals a demonstration?"
"Of what?"
"Your soft-shoe shuffle. What d'you think? The dartboard, of course."
"What's to demonstrate? There's the dartboard. You throw darts at it. You chalk your score. End of story."
"Play me! Play me!"
"You? You don't know anything about sport."
"I'm pretty sure it's a pastime," Rory insisted.
Lorelai crosses to the dartboard and picks up three darts.
"Ooh ooh, are these the darts? Which end do I throw? Just kidding."
Lorelai takes aim and throws. The first dart lands high up on the wall missing the board completely.
"Darn it."
"Perhaps you should have warmed up first," Rory suggests.
"You think stretching would help?"
"Couldn't hurt."
"You haven't seen me stretching. Okay, second dart."
Lorelai throws again. She hits the board.
"Yea! I did it!"
"Miracles never cease," said Luke.
"What'd I win? What'd I win?"
Luke peers at the board. "Three points."
Rory claps her hands. "Mom, that's fantastic. Perhaps you should turn pro?"
"One second there, Willie Mays. The maximum score with one dart is sixty points."
"Oh. So three isn't very good, huh?"
"You do the math."
"Okay, last go."
Lorelai throws again. She hits the board.
"Two in a row! I am on a roll. All these years and I'm a sports natural."
"Who knew?" grins Rory.
"Double twenty," Luke announces. "So forty-three to beat."
"Are ya nervous, champ? Are ya?"
"Cut it out."
Luke takes aim - and misses the board!
"You missed!"
"All your yapping put me off."
"A bad workman blames his tools. Dirty."
"I'm not blaming my tools I'm blaming you. Now shut up and let me throw."
Luke throws again. He scores single fourteen.
"You need thirty to win," Rory points out.
"No pressure!"
"Shut up and let me concentrate. Okay, double fifteen...double fifteen."
Luke throws and scores single fifteen, missing the double by a hairsbreadth.
"I win!" Lorelai throws her hands in the air. "You suck!"
"Yup. Forty-three to twenty-nine," Rory announces.
"Congratulations."
"I won. Did I really win?"
"You sure did."
"No recounts?"
"This isn't Florida."
"Let's go and tell Miss Patty," Rory suggests.
"Never mind Miss Patty, let's call ESPN."
"Or CNN?"
Lorelai and Rory go outside. Lorelai throws her arms aloft and yells Ali-like, "I am the greatest!"
"And so humble," Luke says to himself. He picks up three darts and throws them at the board one after another. He scores the maximum one hundred and eighty. He obviously lost deliberately.
-000-
I presume Americans play darts? If not, my bad.