Disclaimer: I own nothing. Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto, TVTokyo, Viz etc. Translation of the text belongs to HissouBuraiKen.

I believe some warnings are in order: To enjoy this piece of... work you need to be familiar with Uchiha Fight. I recommend reading both at the same time as it's more a commentary than a real story. Beware of OOC-ness (Itachi) and some curse words. Also, this fic is not beta-ed so if you see any mistakes, please notify me, I'll fix them.

"this"- normal dialogue

"this"- Itachi's thoughts

There are moments in man's life when everything goes as expected. It fills the man in question with a decent amount of manly pride allowing him to manly strut around, looking down on these poor, pathetic fools who are not him and making women swoon at his manly manly person.

There are moments in man's life when after painstaking planning comes a time of victory, reward beyond your imagination but exactly the one the man longed, yearned for is finally granted and the man is allowed to smile, graciously accepting the gift and sailing away towards the sunset to the next great adventure.

And this moment was nothing like that.

"With the power I gained, I see one thing, and it's crystal clear. I see you. Dead."

Uchiha Itachi was not happy. After spending a majority of his life (definitely the best years of his life) preparing himself and his little brother for this moment of triumph with diligence and skill that would make Madara look amateurish in comparison, after all the effort he put in preserving his image of aloof evil older brother and earning a title of Magnificent BastardTM ("When he moves, the wheels of fate turn" goddamnit!) and for what?! So he could listen to some corny lines found in low budget films from his potential killer who just so happens to be his brother?! No sir.

Uchiha don't use corny lines. Uchiha must look calm, aloof and badass while maintaining a perfectly straight face and hair.

Not sprouting some degrading sentences or (Amaterasu forbid!) twisting your face into a smashed potato. No sir.

But then again, Itachi probably shouldn't be so hard on his little brother- his sole reason for existence after all. Right now he shared a body and soul with that Orochimaru (eww, just… eww) so some un-Uchiha characteristics are bound to appear. Nothing is wrong, Itachi. Just few moments and everything will be as it should. Deep breaths. No hair out of place. Good.

"Well then… Let's see how good your eyesight is." Itachi sighed. Really, the difference in level of badass is still too big. But his brother will learn. Itachi will see to that.

And so the epic battle began.

Itachi thought Sasuke was using too many unnecessary moves. Such as death-glares. Who uses death-glares during a fight? Not to mention using them in genjutsu.

Maybe he was amused. Just a little, of course.

He didn't feel annoyed at all that Sasuke, five years his junior, was nearly as tall as he. Nope. Not at all. He wasn't playing around with Sasuke at all.

Though he had to admit he did feel satisfied when his genjutsu-version yanked his brother by his cloak and threw him into the wall.

He was doing it again. Glaring. And frowning.

Itachi fought the urge to tell him: "If you keep doing that, your face will get stuck that way."

"Interesting. Electricity goes on the surface of the ground. Sigh. Fine, I'll jump. Or my genjutsu-version will."

O.M.G. He didn't. He so didn't.

"That expression… No, . It was Orochimaru's germs again. No, no. no! Don't worry Sasu-chan! Big brother will save your beautiful face!"

"Em. Sasuke, I'm here on the chair. Not that chair, the other one."

…

"Sasuke, who taught you such vulgar language? I see your education and manners have been… lacking."

"Now answer me, unless you want to know what real pain is!"

Cringe. "Note to self: when transferring the power to Sasuke, remember to transfer some good badass lines."

Seriously, that was even worse than what Pain normally comes out with.

"On that night, when you said there was a third person… I realized that it only could be someone you didn't kill… He must've helped you wipe out the rest of the clan."

He had to smile. "Very good, Sasuke, very good. Now that you hate him as much as me and swore to kill him I can die happy. I'm so proud!"

In his joy (or maybe just self-satisfaction) he almost missed what Sasuke said next. Almost.

"I've had enough of your bullshit!"

"Sasuke! Language, young man. Really, it's as if you grew up on the streets. And what's with this mistrust? For the first time I'm telling the true here! And you don't even believe me! It's not like I gave you any reason to doubt me, you ungrateful brat!"

"People live their lives bound by what they accept as correct and true. That's how they define "reality". But what does it mean to be "correct" or "true"? Merely vague concepts… Their "reality" may all be a mirage. Can we consider them to simply be living in their own world, shaped by their beliefs?"

And across the world, millions of readers fainted from too much win.

"My Sharingan sees through your illusion!"

"Hn. That's why you spent so much time talking to an empty space? There is no shame in admitting you didn't notice my genjutsu. It's not like it's the first time!"

"Sasuke, taunting your opponent is useless. Who would fall for something like that?"

…

"Besides the main character, of course. And I don't mean Hidan."

And then came The Talk.

Itachi was quite confident that Sasuke, hailed as the second-main character, will get the point about Madara being the final villain and start plotting his unfortunate demise ASAP. It's not like he knew any better.

It was all for Sasuke's own good. And the world's, of course.

Uchiha Itachi was ready to sacrifice a lot in order to guide his little brother to the right path. Even his reputation as the Coldest Character To Ever Grace Manga-World.

"You, Sasuke! You will become my new light!"

"Uchiha are the most badass beings on the world. They ooze badassery as they walk, can impregnate a woman with a look, make a dictionary look like a fool, can count to infinity and back and taught Chuck Norris how to win. They are gods who descended to Earth and showed these poor humans how to use conditioner.

And you know what? I shit on them. And you can fucking quote me."

Itachi thought that Sasuke was really slow.

And relied too much on that snake-power.

Why not birds? Birds are nice. And they kill snakes!

"Hn. Sasuke, I have a feeling you're not working hard enough. Forgive me, but I guess I need to motivate you more."

And so Itachi did.

"GWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"Stop shouting, you pansy. It's just an eye. Not that it's real anyway. As if I could ever hurt you.*sniff*"

"Sasuke, what's that on your face? WHAT JUST GREW OUT OF YOUR BACK?! My poor Sasu-chan, you need a doctor! Let me give you a hug!"

"Sasuke stop struggling. Now let your big brother surprise buttse-I mean hug you."

Then Uchiha Sasuke broke out of Tsukuyomi. The explanation that followed, this author will leave without comment.

"Hn. I think I overdid it. Using Tsukuyomi is not such a good idea when you're sick and nearly blind. Ah well, it's not like I'll live to see tomorrow."

"Okay, Sasuke. You need to trust me on this: these hands or wings or whatever are an abomination. As your older brother I have all the right to dispose of them. Now stay still, it won't hurt at all."

"Don't throw these pointy objects at me, don't you see I'm blind?!"

"Sigh. Fine. Let it be your way. You hurt me. Happy now?"

"That's it Sasuke. These things are going down! Amaterasu!"

"Stop running around! It's already difficult to use it without killing you in the process. Ah well. You still have Orochimaru's replacement technique (as much as it hurts me to admit, it's quite useful)"

And then come The Final Jutsu. You know, the one when there's a storm? While Sasuke was preparing to finish off his Big Bad Brother, Itachi wondered:

"WHO FOR THE LOVE OF AMATERASU GOES ON TOP OF THE BUILDING WHEN THERE'S A STORM GOING ON?!"

"God damn you!"

"I'm sorry Sasuke, but I can't yet die. First, I need to kick that pedophile's ass for defiling you!"

In all books/mangas/films/musicals etc. there exists an unwritten rule that lets a villain finish his monologue no matter how many chapters they waste on that. It's The Rule.

Uchiha Itachi did the unthinkable. He broke the holy golden rule. When journalists from all over the world hunted Itachi down in order to explain this phenomenon of historical proportions, Uchiha Itachi calmly replied:

"I did for my brother."

And the fangirls went wild.

"I wondered if perhaps I was wrong to do what I did. I wanted for you to live in the village, I wanted for you to grow strong, strong enough to kill me and Madara. Sasuke, you're not yet strong. That's why for your own protection, I'm transferring my techniques to you. And a gift for Madara if he tries to rape- I mean tell you the trueabout me. I guess some of my fashion sense won't hurt and let's see… yeah, you definitely need an upgrade in vocabulary… hm. What else… I know! You need some bird-love! So here you go. Return to Konoha and protect it from Madara's dirty hands. That's all I want."

"Forgive me, Sasuke. There won't be a next time."

"Destroy Konoha!!!"

And somewhere above the Earth, Uchiha Itachi, ignoring the snickering coming from his fellow fallen Akatsuki members (Deidara was, in particular, really loud) and sympathetic looks from both Yondaime Hokage and Jiraiya, calmly looked in the direction where he presumed the higher deity was laughing his ass off and said:

"What? You expect me to start crying? Well, there are my words for you: I QUIT!"

And as JKR would have said: All was well.

A/N: Actually, I don't think it was supposed to be funny but if you laughed just once during this fic, I'm happy. This idea just came up out of nowhere and I couldn't rid off it so I posted it here. It's not a proper parody of Uchiha Fight and I hope someone will write it soon.

And I know that Yondaime should be in Shinigami's stomach. I just threw him in for the lulz.