a/n: no, this is not an april fool's joke. this is actually a fic and a sequel (though it can stand on its own) to a fic written way back when. enjoy :)
Title: Within the Borders of Sanq
Author: Keithan
Disclaimers: Gundam Wing and its characters belong to their respective owners.
Rating: PG-13 / T
Series: Sequel to Tainted Sand
Warnings: None
Pairings: None - 1+4 friendship (future 1x4?)
Summary: If tears are the only basis for our humanity in this war, then I'll cry for the both of us.
Notes: Another Heero and Quatre-centric gap-filler that follows Tainted Sand, both of which resides (can reside) in the same timeline as Spire.
Within the Borders of Sanq
by
Keithan
The scenery passes in a blur, and I watch as the sparkling blue of the beach turns into the vibrant greens of the trees. I turn to glance at Heero who has been silent the entire time since we stepped into Relena's limousine. He is sitting on the other side, arms crossed and head turned away from me to his own window.
I turn my eyes back to the world outside. So this is Sanq Kingdom . The peaceful scenery is a far cry from the battlefield I have just seen not too long ago.
More and more countries and nations on earth are adopting Relena's Complete Peace Principle. I nod my head slightly in approval, even as my hands clench tighter together. Father would have approved of it.
The silence lasts throughout the rest of the ride.
-o-o-o-
"Trowa Barton."
I tear my gaze away from Relena, and stare down momentarily at the floor. I guess this is to be expected. I can't hope to not be constantly reminded of the folly I've done. There is no forgiveness for me, except from Trowa alone, and he is not here right now to grant it.
I feel eyes on me and I look up to see Heero watching. He looks away just as soon as our eyes meet.
"Trowa Barton," Relena says again. I haven't noticed before then that I'm gripping my hands into fists. I relax my fingers before taking in a deep breath and I try to detach myself from the subject. "He is an ex-Gundam pilot," she continues, even as in my mind, I'm answering that there's no ex-Gundam pilot among us. We are Gundam pilots. Attaching an ex to that doesn't make any sense to me as long as this war continues.
"He was in OZ as a special envoy," and with this Relena looks up at us, before focusing on Heero. I wonder how much she knows. Does she know that I killed Trowa? Does she know that I wanted to kill Heero too? Perhaps not. She would not have welcomed me warmly if she does. Then again, I think I will be welcomed either way. She's a kind heart. I almost don't feel worthy to stand before her after what I've done. She's the pillar of this country, and this country is the pillar of the world. More and more nations are turning to Sanq for its leadership and its complete peace principle. I should focus my thoughts on that, and this country I've decided to protect.
"Last seen in…" but without meaning to, my mind supplies the location as she does, "L2, E-area point 0x."
I bite my lip, and I see Heero turn to me again. I glance his way, and we share a moment of understanding. I don't know what he is thinking, but it is a comfort to have him, the only other one who has seen me in my moment of weakness, beside me as such data is read to us - information that we both already know. We were there. We saw the Vayeate blow up right before our eyes. It is something that we both experienced.
There's no blame in Heero's eyes. There's no condemnation, and I'm torn between feeling grateful and feeling unworthy. But I try to wash away the feelings of unworthiness. Heero doesn't strike me as one who gives his approval lightly. I should be grateful for his understanding, and I am, immensely. I think it's one of the things I've been holding on to - that at least one person, who knows what happened, looks at me as if the fault is not mine to take.
"I have heard from Noin that he, too, is an important person to you," Relena says, and we both snap back our attention to her in surprise at her words. I clench my fists once more. Trowa is one of us, and even if I don't exactly know how Heero feels about the matter, I know enough to say that what happened up there in space has bound us three together, especially Heero and I, in the wake of such insanity and Trowa's disappearance. There's something uniquely binding in that event: three solitary soldiers, who, despite the current allegiances, fight for and with no one but themselves, find themselves facing each other in the emptiness and vastness of space. Yes, Trowa is important to us.
" Sanq Kingdom has many friends. We are searching for him too," she explains, and I just stare at her as she tries to persuade Heero to stay with the promise of help.
Heero has been adamant about not staying since I presented the idea to him. He doesn't believe in the complete peace principle. I turn to him, seeing the familiar expressionless façade. I wish he'd stay, if not for this country, then for Trowa or for me. This country needs all the protection it can get or it will soon fall under Romafeller's constant pressure.
I give his wrist a fleeting touch, a mere brush and a silent plea for him to consider not leaving. He doesn't look at me, but he looks down briefly, and the almost imperceptible nod is all the assurance I need.
-o-o-o-
A few hours in Sanq and a brief tour around the grounds make me realize that this is a country now untouched by the war and disorder waging outside its borders. The peaceful environment is a welcome illusion, just as the carefree laughter of the girls is a great change from the sounds of explosions in a battlefield.
Sanq has made me see how much I long for a much needed break from battle, even if I know I will continue on fighting. My father… I blink in sudden surprise and stop. He will love it here.
The thought is there before I even have a chance to think in the past tense. My father will never have a chance to love Sanq Kingdom . He will never have a chance to set foot on earth ever again. My father… is dead.
Moisture gathers in my eyes and I close my eyes tightly to prevent tears from falling. I think about how I need to protect this country, how I need to be ready always, how I need to be on my guard. I try to throw random thoughts of battle and warfare in my head to gain my footing and bring back my focus. But the illusion of peace has lulled me and I can't, for the life of me, find any danger to focus on, or any mission to be accomplished.
"Leave us," I hear Heero's voice, and I look up to see that he and Pargan have also stopped a few steps ahead of me. Pargan nods and bows to us before leaving. I shake my head and look down, trying to blink back the tears. I try to think of anything except for the greatest loss this war has caused me so far.
I turn away from Heero, but I hear him approach me and I tense. I shake my head again. "You don't have to wait," I say to him, and I try to get the words past the lump in my throat. "I'll follow you shortly. Just… just give me a few minutes."
I don't hear him move though, and I can feel his gaze as he stands quietly beside me.
"We're not in a hurry," he says a moment later.
Despite the tightness in my chest, I found the will to smile, but I also feel the tears wanting to escape my eyes. I blink them away before Heero could even notice. "I wasn't expecting this so soon," I say as a silent apology. I'm now looking at our shoes.
"This hardly qualifies as soon," he replies and he surprises me by lifting my chin up. I meet his eyes, but I look away just as quickly and instead turn my gaze to the garden path that we're on. Heero doesn't speak, but I can feel his eyes on me. I take deep breaths to calm myself and to clear my mind. I don't want to break down out here in the open.
"You don't have to wait," I say again. I do not want to burden him with this.
"Do you wish for me to leave?" he asks, and the straightforward manner he says this makes me look at him. He meets my gaze, waiting patiently for my answer, and looking at him, I know that he will respect any answer I may give him.
Because of this, I say to him, "No. Stay, please."
It is a while before one of us speaks again, and I take the time to clear my mind and keep any strong emotions at bay.
"I need to check on Iria, my sister," I say slowly, and when the tightness in my chest doesn't easily come, I breathe a sigh of relief. "I need to know if everything's holding together with what has happened." My vision is no longer the blur that it was just moments ago. I clear the remaining tears in my eyes, and try to swallow the lump in my throat. "I guess I'm the head of the family now." I ignore the waver in my words, and Heero does too. "I've shirked away from my duties."
"A son is allowed to grieve," Heero says.
"Not this son," I say even before I could stop myself. I shake my head. "I'm sorry. It's yet too soon for any of this." I wasn't prepared for my father's death, much less to witness it.
"You've been silent thus far, hiding behind the need for Pilot 04. Now is not the time to fight, Quatre," he reminds me. "Look around you. There is no battle to be fought here. We're soldiers, but right now, we are students under Relena's care."
"I know, Heero," I start. "But still. You need…"
"I don't need you to be whole and functional," he cuts me off, throwing my words from before back at me. "I need you to be yourself."
I tear my gaze away. I can't think of anything to reply to that so I just say, "I'm glad you decided to stay."
He acknowledges my change in subject with a tilt of his head. "You will need a keeper."
I snort at his dry humor, but the smile on my face is genuine. "I need no such thing."
He lifted his shoulders slightly in a shrug. "Only a bodyguard, apparently."
There is a second of pause after that before I find myself laughing.
"You haven't cried," Heero says before I could even say anything, as though it is the most normal of observations, and I am brought back to a moonlit night on the beach, where he has said the exact same thing. How long that was, I don't exactly remember. Days and nights have been passing me by and they all seem the same to me. I mark the passing of time not by the setting or rising of the sun, but by the movement of this battalion towards this area, or the fall of this faction under the other. It is a pity, to watch time slither away by marking it with every new development in this war.
"Have you, lately?" I ask him back. I don't know what answer I am expecting.
"No," is his reply. He turns and starts to move away expecting me to follow, even as I nod in acceptance, somehow, unsurprised by his answer.
-o-o-o-
"I'd like to thank you for not mentioning about the Gundam," Ms Noin says quietly as she escorts us to our room. We've been toured around the school and the facilities most of the afternoon. "Your friend," she starts, and I feel my shoulders tense momentarily. Heero doesn't acknowledge her, but she knows he's listening. "He's the quiet one in Siberia ," she says, asking for confirmation.
Heero replies with a curt nod. I merely look down.
"Believe me, we will do everything we can to help you find him," Ms Noin tells us.
When Heero doesn't answer, I manage a smile for her. "We appreciate the help, Ms Noin," I say.
She nods before stopping in front of a door. "I will leave you here now. I had uniforms made, and they're hanging in your closets."
Heero opens the door and we exchange brief nods of good bye.
Heero and I don't speak as we enter the room. Silence between us has never bothered me before, but now, the silence just seems too loud. I hear the door close, and Heero locks it behind him.
"He was with you during the duel," I say without thinking just to break the silence. I wince as the words leave my lips. I wish I had remained quiet.
"He was."
I nod and turn my attention instead to the room to avoid the topic from continuing further.
I study the room – Victorian, like everything in the old Sanq mansion, but the beds are of contemporary design. It's not large, but I guess it's larger than any other normal dormitory rooms. I remember my own room in L4. I've just been there not too long ago. It's funny how the tides of fate brought me home only to see - only to witness my father's death.
I quickly think of hotel rooms. Hotel rooms are larger than our room now, at least the ones that I'm used to. But this is spacious enough for the both of us. The two made beds pushed against opposite walls are the largest furniture in the room, followed by the two study tables by the window.
Heero walks past me and heads to one bed on the left, and I briefly note that the first rays of light in the morning will touch his bed first.
There's a door to my right, and I open it to reveal a bathroom, complete with amenities. I venture in, finding the pristine white of the tiles, even with the light floral design, fascinating to look at. I stop a moment when I find myself looking at my reflection, and I see the frown crossing my face in it. I see Trowa's green eyes looking back at me. I grip the sink beneath the mirror, and I tear my eyes away to look down instead at the faucet.
"Damn it," I utter the curse softly to myself. Can I not even look at my reflection without thinking of every wrong I have done? How many reminders of what happened do I have to have in one day?
I feel someone looking at me, and I turn to the door to see Heero standing there. I bite my lip and lean against the sink again, looking carefully at the drain.
"Do you want to be alone?" Heero asks.
I marvel at the way his voice remains neutral and unconcerned. But I've come to know him enough to understand that he's not as indifferent as he believes himself to be. Even with only the little time we've spent together since… Trowa.
I hold back another curse before I can utter it, and open the faucet instead. I wash my face, distracting myself with the feel of the cool water on my skin.
I've come to learn that Heero is good in reading people. It proves to be a valuable trait in missions, and in this new partnership born out of necessity. But even if we've only known and spent a short time together since we came here to Earth, he usually knows when I need to be alone, and doesn't usually ask any more. But now he's giving me a choice, and because of this I'm reminded of the fact that there are some things I am yet to confront.
"No, it's okay," I say, but I'm not able to make my voice carry its light and usual tone. It doesn't matter though. I owe him my honesty at least, and I'm not about to put on a cheerful mask to show him. He has seen me at my lowest point, has witnessed me go berserk and insane, and he has stood beside me as I walked the balance between the Pilot 04, the soldier, and just Quatre. I've got nothing more to hide.
I pull at the towel beside the sink and dry my face. I look up at Heero then, and this time, I manage a sincere smile, even if it's a bit strained. "Thank you for asking," I say.
I walk past him in the doorway when he doesn't move, and head to the closet on one wall. "Ms Noin said she left us uniforms here." I need to talk about something trivial.
"I don't intend to stay long," Heero replies. He walks back in the room again and heads to one table.
"But you decided to stay anyway," I answer, as I pull out one complete set of uniform to inspect. I turn around to show it to him. "No matter how short that is." He gives the uniform a brief glance before taking out his laptop and setting it up on the table.
"You are stalling," he comments idly.
My hand pauses midway in hanging the uniform back in the closet. I clutch the hanger tightly for a moment, before deciding it is safer back in the closet. I close the closet doors in front of me and sigh, leaning my forehead on the smooth wood. I can choose to be ignorant of what Heero is saying, or ignore it even, but I don't. "Maybe," I answer. Maybe I'm stalling, maybe I'm not, but I'm sure of three things: my father is dead before I had a chance to fix things between us, Trowa is missing by my own doing, and I blew up an entire colony and my grief is not enough of an excuse for such insanity.
Maybe I am stalling.
I feel the familiar tightness in my chest, and tears start to gather in my eyes. "Perhaps this is not the time," I continue softly. I clear my mind and try to grasp that sense of detachment to calm myself.
I don't hear Heero stop in what he is doing, and now I hear the soft clacking of the keyboard as he types. "Turn around and say that again," he says.
I can't help but snort at that. I turn around, and when I do, I look at Heero with dry eyes and a smooth expression. He stops his typing for a moment to look at me, his eyes boring into mine. "I know you heard me the first time, Heero," I say.
He doesn't answer, and turns back to his laptop screen instead.
-o-o-o-
I shake my arms slightly to fix the sleeves of my uniform. I am about to button my cuff when I see Heero pick up a gun from under his pillow. I frown at what looks like a 9 mm Luger Parabellum Glock 18 in his hands. Before he can even tuck it in his pants, I reach over for it, making sure I am beside him and not behind him as I do. "Heero, we are not here to scare the students away." He looks at me, eyes alight with warning. Knowing that every soldier can be possessive and careful of his or her weapons, I hand him his gun again. I walk to my bed and lift the mattress up, revealing three firearms I've managed to bring hidden there. I pick the smallest of the three. "If you need a weapon on you, here, use this," I say as I toss the gun to him, which he catches easily.
"A Baby Glock?" he comments idly at the relatively smaller Glock 26 I gave him.
I nod in answer. "That would be easier to conceal with your blazer." I do hope he will just leave both here, but I know that is not really a choice for him.
He eyes the two firearms on his hands, and decides to take my suggestion. After going over the smaller gun for functionality and checking the magazine for full rounds, he tucks it into the back of his pants. I nod once, before turning around to pick up my blazer. I put it on and smoothen out the front of my uniform before turning to him. His own gun is now no where to be found. Instead, he is looking at the cravat in his hands and I walk over to help him out. He lets me take it and stands still as I arrange it around his neck and collar.
"You didn't sleep well."
I give him a glance, before turning my eyes back to the cravat I'm working on. "I slept enough. Did I wake you?"
"Once, I was already awake the two other times."
I don't look at him when I say, "I'm sorry."
"Don't be," he replies.
I only nod and I finish in silence. I fold his collar neatly back into place. "There."
"Hn," he says with a nod, and I accept his unspoken thanks without a word. I hand him his blazer, which he soon puts on.
We head out of our room together, and as I close the door behind me, I hope in vain to leave the nightmares of the night behind.
-o-o-o-
"Quatre Raberba Winner."
I turn to the sound of my name, and my eyes narrow for a brief moment when I see someone I never expected to see here. "Dorothy Catalonia," I return her greeting in kind, trying to keep the wariness off my tone.
Her lips are curled into a smile. I'm not sure if it's meant to be a pleasant one, but it does nothing except to put me on guard. "I'd be lying if I said I didn't expect you to be here."
I mask my features, and try to maintain an impassive face. It's not hard in the face of Dorothy Catalonia. One is a fool to let any failing show in front of such an adversary, for that is what she is. Her very posture tells me so, and the glint in her eyes is no small indication. We have never been friends, nor are we enemies, but her connections to the Federation and my connections to the Winner name, especially to my pacifist father, have not placed us on the same side.
"Am I so transparent to read that you know this is where I'd be?" I ask, with a hint of a smile, maintaining the air of civility between us. I remind myself not to rise to whatever bait she's going to launch at me.
She smiles, as she always does when pleased with the challenge of conversation. Our past encounters have been similar, an exchange of wit, a play of power and knowledge masked by words and debates. "You know that is not so, Quatre," and she says my name with so much familiarity that is enough to warn me to expect the worst, but I know I'm not ready for this. Dorothy Catalonia is the last person I would have expected to meet here. "I've never been able to read you as well as I would have liked."
I incline my head and walked towards the desk where the vid phone is. I am just about to place a call to L4 when she arrived. "Just as well," I say. "Or you wouldn't have found much amusement in any of our conversations as I know you did."
She laughs at that. "True, that. I wouldn't deny." She leans back on a side table and regards me with her knowing eyes.
I look at her and know, without a doubt, that she knows who I am, a Gundam pilot. I glance at the vid phone and decide that the call I'm supposed to make would have to be postponed. I will not concede defeat against her, but I am determined to leave at the next possible opening.
"Are you to stay here long?" she asks.
"I have no definite plans as of yet, but I'm sure to inform you of them when I finally have," I say.
"Oh please do!" she says, and I swear she looks absolutely delighted. I am almost impressed at the way she easily handles her masks. She would have made good as an actress.
I shrug. "I'm afraid that would take a while yet, depending on the circumstances."
"Oh yes. The situation outside these borders is becoming dire." Then, as if she has just remembered something, she says, "Oh god, I'm sorry." I can't help the frown that slipped past my façade. I almost dread her next words, and I learn why when she continues quietly. "I heard about your father."
It is good that I don't have something in my hand, or else I would have dropped it with the way it starts to shake. Her sharp eyes caught the movement, and I immediately clench my hands into fists, not wanting to give her the satisfaction of knowing that her words have hit their mark.
"I'm sure you did," I say, and I could only pray that the slight falter in my voice escapes her.
"He died valiantly for his cause," she says, almost reverently. But we both well know that everything between us is just a game, and this is no different. I'm afraid to say that she might win this round if she continues on with the topic of my father. "I only wish…"
I smile and interrupted her before she could say anything else. "I'm sure you wish for many things Ms Catalonia. I hope I could say the same for myself. I'm afraid I can only afford to have one wish."
Her lips nearly lost its smile at my sudden turn in topic. I can see she wants to go back to the topic of my father again, but she recovers quickly and asks instead, "And what do you wish for, Quatre?"
"Peace, Dorothy. Peace," I answer just as quickly. I am already walking towards the door.
She can't help but scoff at that. "A child's wish."
I reach the door but turn to her before leaving. "Everything I should know I learned in kindergarten," I answer back. Our battle ground is here. Our weapons are our minds, and our ammunition, our words.
"Like, shooting a gun, perhaps?"
I shrug, not bothered at all by her words. That is a card she can't use against me. I'm a Gundam pilot. I've embraced everything that goes along with being one the moment I first entered Sandrock's cockpit. "Perhaps."
"Or maybe blowing up an entire colony?"
That, however, is not something I'm prepared to hear, and I immediately falter at my next response. I pause, trying to gather my confidence again. I've never tried so hard to look nonchalant before now. "More like loving your enemies," I just say, saving what's left of my game. I follow that with a respectful nod before I leave.
But just as I am exiting, she fires her last shot. "Just as if Trowa Barton were alive, he'd love the enemy who had nearly killed him."
The door closes behind me, but I stand frozen outside the room for what seems like a long while.
-o-o-o-
"Quatre."
I hear my name, but I don't stop to acknowledge the call. Instead I hasten my pace, crossing the garden towards the dormitories on the other side of the wide lawn. The clouds overhead are dark, and the afternoon sun is nearly hidden behind them.
I hear Heero's footsteps break into a faster but still steady pace as he follows me and catches up. He calls me again, but I don't turn.
"Stop, Quatre," he says as he catches my arm and turns me around.
"It's going to rain, Heero," I say, lifting my eyes heavenward. He doesn't follow my gaze but his eyes remain solely on my face. "What?" I ask.
His brow raises a fraction. "Where are you going?"
I avoid his eyes when I answer. "Up to our room," I say, and wait for a moment before adding, "Now will you please let me go?"
He looks taken aback for a moment, before his eyes focus on his hand on my arm. I look down on his grip as well. A frown crosses his face, but he doesn't let go, he merely slides his grip from my elbow down to my wrist.
"What happened?" he asks.
The wind is cold on my face, and his voice is hollow in my ears. I shake my head, and look away, towards the trees at the far end of the lawn, and the flower bushes beneath them. "Nothing happened." I raise my arm, brining the wrist he held to eye-level between us. "Let me go, Heero." I don't intend for the words to sound as a threat, but they come out as one.
He tightens his grip a little, and says, "Not until you tell me what's wrong."
"It's going to rain," I say. "I wish to be alone."
His face doesn't change. It never does. His brows may rise and his mouth may lift so slightly it doesn't show, but his same expressionless look remains, and it is because of this that his whole façade seems constant, as though his mask doesn't falter. But it does. I know it does, and his eyes say so. One look and he has his point across. One look and people know if they're going to die by his hand. One look and I know that he cares despite not even knowing himself. As he lets go of my wrist, I avoid his eyes, not wanting to know what I will see there this time.
His voice remains the same, distant and removed of any emotion, calm and always in control. "Is that what you really want?"
I want to turn my back on him and continue on my way, but somehow, I just stand there, a hand unconsciously rubbing the wrist he just let go. "Yes…" I answer, but shake my head a moment later. "No. Yes." Thunder rolls overhead as I speak, and I'm glad that it covers my indecision.
Heero doesn't say anything for a while, and I'm not sure if I'd rather have him pushing me, than have him waiting silently until I snap. He goes back to his careless stance and he crosses his arms across his chest. But his words are far from careless when he says slowly, "Is this about your father?"
I frown, and bite my lip, wanting nothing more than to leave him there. "Why are you doing this?" I say softly.
"Because someone has to."
"Well you don't have to be that someone," I answer back, looking at him. A part of me warns me to go before I let the rising anger out on an undeserving Heero. But I am rooted in place by his gaze.
"You have no choice."
"Because I killed Trowa!" The shout is unintentional, but my mouth is moving even before I've comprehended the words. I tighten my hands into fists as my mind repeats again and again what I have just said. "I killed Trowa."
"He's not dead," Heero states calmly.
"That's a lie," I almost hiss out. "A lie to alleviate my guilt. Don't you understand?"
Heero frowns, and he uncrosses his arms to take a step towards me, his face close to mine in a challenge. "No, I don't," he says. "I don't understand why you keep dancing around the issue. You need to let this go."
"How dare you," I say, the words passing through gritted teeth. "How dare you to tell me to let this go."
His face smoothens out, and he leans back to give me some space, clearly stating that he means no threat. "I am not telling you to let them go," he says more calmly than his previous statement, and I am caught off guard when he lays a finger to my chest. "I am telling you to let this go. Do you think you're in condition mentally and emotionally if we go into battle now?"
At hearing his words, my anger melts away just as quickly as it had come. But the fire is still there, and I turn my head away, refusing to yield. I notice then that the afternoon sun is now fully hidden behind the clouds leaving Sanq in a gloomy shadow – funny how nature seems to choose the all the right moments. "You know better than anyone that I can do what I have to."
"But at the rate you're going, how long will you last?"
I grit my teeth but I say nothing. Is this how it is to self-destruct, Heero?
"Who was that girl in the study?"
I turn sharp eyes to him, wondering if he has seen me leave that study, seen me as I had my feet swept from under me by Dorothy's words. He probably has. I look away again and focus instead on the grass beside my feet. "Dorothy Catalonia," I say, saying the name as though I'd rather not have uttered it. Heero doesn't say anything to that. I feel the wind grow colder by the minute. "It's going to pour."
"Hn." This time, I see Heero turn his face to the sky. "If the sky weeps, will you weep with it?"
I turn back to him, and feel my fists closing in tighter. "Why are you pushing me to cry?" I ask. It's not a shout, but a mere whisper, but it might as well be one with the way I threw the question at him.
He looks back at me, always calm in the face of my near outbursts. "Because that is what you need," he says. "I've been watching you avoid it since we arrived here."
"You're pushing me to snap," I say. It was meant to be a question.
He shakes his head. "You told me once that you cry when you need to."
"Who are you to decide that I need it now?" The anger in my voice is directed at no one but myself, and I don't need to look at Heero to know that he knows that much. "Have you cried?" I ask as I take a step towards him. I already know the answer, but I don't care. He reads me well enough but I need him to see what I'm afraid of when I let tears fall down this time. He doesn't move when I invade his space. "Have you shed tears for every time you fire up your boosters and every time your machine takes flight? Have you cried for the family left behind by those soldiers in every mobile suit that you slash with your saber?"
When he doesn't answer, I continue, "I have. And for every kill, for every death brought about by my hand, I cry here," I lay a hand on his chest. "Trowa is dead by my doing. And my father is dead." The last statement comes out louder than what I intend. It's as though I still can't accept the fact. In all honesty, I probably still can't. "I can't cry now, if I do," I pause, and a hollow little laugh leaves my lips. "I'll cry for my father, for Trowa, for you, and for that colony I destroyed without any hesitation and what then, Heero? What if I find myself unable to cry anymore? As long as this war continues, I can't afford to have no tears to cry or I'll lose it and become the machine that this war is fought with!"
I blink my eyes, and try to focus them as Heero's image has suddenly become blurred. They focus again, and I see Heero's lips pursed in a tight line.
"A machine," he says slowly.
I stare at him, and I suddenly realize what he's thinking. Any anger I feel disappears quickly. "Heero…" He shakes his head. But his face doesn't change. "Heero, I… That's not…"
"No, you don't have to, Quatre," he says as he shakes his head again. "I have forgotten the last time I had shed tears for anything. I was raised as an assassin, trained as a soldier. I know what I am."
I clutch at my chest, suddenly feeling the weight there multiply tenfold, and my legs start to falter and they almost do, but a hand on my shoulder steadies me on my feet.
Is this my pain or…?
"Heero. No. I…" I start again, but I can't continue as he becomes a blur in my vision. A moment later, a few tears escape my eyes. It's too much. "Heero…" I stop when he raises his fingers to touch my face.
Despite the tightness in my chest, I see Heero look almost as surprised as I am to feel the sudden wetness on my face.
He opens his mouth, but when words didn't come out, he closes it again.
I try to blink back the rest of my tears and look away, not knowing how to face him now. I rub at my chest, willing for the pain to go. It subsides gradually, but it's still there, sharp and unyielding. One hand grips his wrist for support and I try to find my strength to stand on my own again.
"I had forgotten," Heero says quietly. He stares quietly at his hand, at his fingers wet from my tears.
"It doesn't matter," I answer his vague statement the only way I can. "I am already crying for you." I don't want to see his face, but I don't miss the flicker of surprise in his eyes as I turn away. I catch a glimpse of Ms Noin, who is thankfully far enough from where we are standing. She has her head respectfully turned away from us, even though I know she's waiting. I continue to rub at my chest, trying to keep my breathing even and smooth. "It's going to rain, Heero," I say again to try to distract both of us, and also because this time, I know it's going to pour soon, and it does. It starts as a light drizzle.
"Quatre…" he pauses, and before he can continue, I catch his hand that he's staring at. The wetness of my tears on the tip of his fingers is joined and made invisible by the small drops of rain. I tilt my head to where Ms Noin is waiting.
"She might have something important to say."
Heero frowns as he sees her. "I will not…" he starts but I cut him off.
"It's okay. Maybe I need to do it alone." I remember our conversation, and I tighten my hand around his. "What you said… I never think that of you," I say, managing only a weak whisper. I turn my eyes to the hand I caught with mine, and tighten my hold slightly. "If tears are the only basis for our humanity in this war, then I'll continue to cry for the both of us." His usually impassive façade cracks to show his surprise, but he quickly masks it away.
But his eyes…
I look away.
Thunder rolls softly overhead. The light rain will soon be a heavy shower. I don't say anything more as I let go of Heero's hand before turning my back to him. I feel the cold drops of rain on my face, and soon after, tears follow with careless abandon. I do nothing to stop them. I break into a jog and hurry back to the dorms before the rain gets any stronger.
This time, Heero doesn't follow, but knowing that he has and he probably will if I let him, is enough.
End
04.02.07
Author's Notes:
Can I be any later than this? I initially finished this early November last year and I was supposed to post this before the new year arrived, but well, the TeniPuri fandom has caught up with me and soon after, I had no time to finish the posting process. Geez. But still here it is. :) I do hope Heero is Heero, just as he was Heero in Tainted Sand.
(And yes, if anyone's wondering, one by one, even though fics are few and far in between, I'm trying to recreate the world I've written down in In a Journey's Spire, creating events leading up to that point, and here's me hoping I will succeed one fic at a time. :P)
Thanks for reading!