Mitsuba arc, alternate ending. Hijikata blushing over Mitsuba is rather cute. That comment has nothing to do with this fic.
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You can't marry a person without
marrying her entire family
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The Shinsengumi stood at a respectful distance as Okita kneeled at his sister's bedside, head bowed and clasping her hand.
"I'm sorry, ane-ue. I'm such a useless brother. I wasn't strong enough to protect your happiness."
"Sou-chan..."
"But he needed to be destroyed." Okita looked up pleadingly at his sister for forgiveness. "You see, it turns out Touma-san was a cyborg sent from a bleak future where laundromats are waging war against the humans. If he hadn't so nobly sacrificed himself, his cybernetic chip would have been used to create the first automatic washing machine, which would eat one sock at a time until the entire populace had nothing but useless, mismatched pairs. People would be too embarrassed to remove their shoes, even in their own homes. We'd have to wear closed-toed shoes even in the summer. Touma-san didn't wish for that kind of future for you."
A disbelieving silence replaced the respectful silence from before.
Impossible. There's no way she'll buy that outrageous story. Automatic washing machine? What the heck is that? If you were going to lie, why didn't you think of something more believable, Sougo/Okita-taichou?!
"I see. Touma-san was really a kind person till the end, wasn't he?"
She bought it! She accepted it so easily! What kind of a woman is she?!
"Of course! Any man that ane-ue chose would be special." Okita gazed adoringly at his sister, then frowned. "I know you were looking forward to being married."
"It's okay, Sou-chan," Mitsuba petted him gently on the head. "It was a lovely dream, but no one would want an old maid like me."
"But actually, there is someone. He's really annoying, I can't stand him, I wish he would die, but I know he's actually a good person underneath... if it's for ane-ue's happiness, I can swallow my pride and give you to him."
Okita sighed heavily as he got up and walked over to the rest of the Shinsengumi. "It kills me to say it, but please, I'm entrusting my precious sister to you," he clapped a hand on his comrade's shoulder, "Yamazaki."
"EHHHHHHH?!"
Okita smiled sunnily at his sister. "Yamazaki is a cowardly spy who's an expert at running away. There's little risk of him dying on you."
"But... what about fukuchou?!"
"He has the highest mortality rate of anyone."
"That's only because you try to kill him twelve times a day, taichou! Ah, this is no good. There's no way that-"
Shick.
"Yamazaki. Are you saying that you don't want to marry my sister? What? Are you too good for her, you unappreciative worm? Go swallow a grenade and die."
"N-no!" Yamazaki stammered, sweating profusely as he backed away from the blade pointed at his neck. "I didn't mean anything by it, I swear! But I thought that fu-"
"There's no way I'm giving her to that insensitive bastard. I chose you. Be grateful that you won't die a hopeless virgin."
"But... but Mitsuba-dono and I just met!"
"Love is not something that can be measured in terms of time. It stabs you through the heart with one heated glance."
"Even if that's true, taichou, I'm not ready to get married!"
"No man feels ready until he feels the bazooka of love jabbed into his back, pushing him toward the altar."
"What's with the poorly disguised threats? Am I going to have to choose between marriage and death? Marriage? Death? Death-marriage? In any case, I don't make nearly enough to support a family."
Okita paused and sheathed his sword. "You're right." He took out his bazooka and blasted it. When the smoke cleared, Harada was a swirly-eyed, burnt crisp on the ground. "Hey Kondou-san, there's a vacant captain position. I'm recommending Yamazaki for promotion."
"Harada-taichou! Ah, Okita-taichou, I don't want to be a captain in such an unlucky way. Was that really necessary?"
"Anything for Zaki-nii. We're almost family now."
"Hahahah, congratulations, Yamazaki." Kondou pounded him on the back repeatedly. "Who would have thought you'd be the first to get married? I wonder when my day with Otae-san will come. I've been rejected 32 times now. It's kind of sad. It's kind of mortifying. Actually, I'm really really jealous right now, so much so that I can't contain myself."
"K-kyoukuchou. That's too hard. My back is breaking. I hear it cracking. Please stop taking your rage out on me."
Yamazaki scrambled over to the bed and whispered loudly, "Mitsuba-dono, please say something. Okita-taichou will listen to you. Surely you don't want to marry someone like me, do you? I'm clumsy and probably bad in bed. I drink up the milk and put the empty carton back in the refrigerator. I talk with my mouth full. I forget to turn off the lights. I clip my nails in bed. I take up all the closet space with my cosplay outfits. I skip work and neglect everything else to read JUMP on the days it comes out. I'd be a terrible husband."
"Sou-chan's concerned about me being alone because of the recent hospitalization. I've caused that kid so much worry."
Mitsuba's smile looked just like her brother's, but it was kind and sincere, rather than filled with sadistic intent. Yamazaki's heart skipped a beat.
"I'm sorry about the trouble, Yamazaki-san, but please play along." She bowed. "I will do my best to be a good wife, anata."
"Eh?! Seriously?!"
"Just remember, if you so much as make her wrinkle her brow, I'll dice you into fish food."
This couldn't possibly get any worse.
"Oh, Toshi. You came at a good time. Yamazaki just proposed to Mitsuba-dono. Isn't that joyful news? Doesn't it make you so happy you want to punch him?"
Yamazaki swallowed hard. "Please don't punch me! This isn't what it seems!"
He backed up as Hijikata advanced in an extremely menacing way. Unfortunately, there wasn't much space behind him; he ended up squished into the narrow hospital bed in Mitsuba's lap.
"Oh? It seems pretty clear to me. Congratulations, Yamazaki."
"You mouth say congratulations but your expression says you want to kill me, fukuchou!"
"What are you talking about, Yamazaki? This is a face of joy, Yamazaki. I'm celebrating with you, Yamazaki. Die, Yamazaki."
"Die, Yamazaki?! You just told me die, didn't you?!" Yamazaki turned to his only lifeline, whimpering. "Please save me, Mitsuba-dono!"
"Toshirou-san..."
"He's a clumsy good-for-nothing idiot, but he's a perfect doormat. Just wipe your muddy shoes on him whenever you want and use him until he dies."
"T-toilet! I need to go to the toilet!" Yamazaki made his escape while the rest of the Shinsengumi started to make wedding plans.
"If you're not back within 5 minutes, I'll come find you, Zaki-nii." Okita caressed his bazooka lovingly.
Gulp.
"AHHH! What should I do?! How did this happen?! How can I possibly get married to Okita-taichou's sister?! How can I possibly refuse without dying?!"
"Ah, so noisy. Don't you know this is a hospital? There are sick patients you're disturbing. There are sleeping visitors you've woken from their naps. Why don't you think a little before being so inconsiderate?"
"Yorozuya-danna!" Yamazaki pounced. "Please help me! Okita-taichou's making me marry his sister!"
"Oh? Isn't that good for you, Yamazaki-kun? You got a fine woman completely out of your league. You're living every man's dream."
"Well, it's true that she's very kind and pretty, but I don't know how to deal with that type! I only know how to handle rough men who verbally and physically abuse me!"
"...he outed himself. He really outed himself as a M."
"Danna!"
"Don't worry, Yamazaki-kun. Marriage isn't between two people. It's a package deal. When you take a bride, you're marrying her entire family. In other words, you're also marrying the sadistic brat from the Planet of Sadists. You'll get plenty of the abuse that turns you on."
"No, thank you. I can live without it. That is to say, I'll die with it. Fukuchou's abuse is enough. Danna, please help me! You can marry her. Okita-taichou likes you. He'll accept you as a brother-in-law."
Gintoki flipped over on his back and laced his fingers behind his head. "I've almost been tricked into marriage once. I don't want to deal with it again. It's troublesome, having a resentful wife nagging you because she could have been with that guy that turned out to be a doctor or lawyer instead of you. Women don't know how to settle, they just want to change you. No, Gin-san wants to live the sweet life of a bachelor."
"What bachelor? Aren't you more like a single father raising two out-of-control kids? If not for yourself, think of your children! Don't you want someone there when Kagura buys her first bra? Don't you want someone who's going to accompany Shinpachi-kun to anime cons when he's 30 and still girlfriend-less? Don't you want someone who'll greet you at the end of the day with a 'which would you like first, dinner or a bath?' in nothing but an apron?"
"Ah, that sounds nice. Maybe marriage isn't such a bad idea. But no, as I thought, I don't want to. I already deal with one sis-con in my life. I don't need another. They're scarier than 13-year-old fangirls who write smutty OOC fanfics."
"You're the Yorozuya, aren't you? You can do anything, can't you? Please help me out!"
Gintoki looked at Yamazaki's teary, sniveling, pathetic face.
"I usually accept my fees up front. But since it's you, I'm going to need it in cash."
xxxxx
Yamazaki stood in formal dress at the altar, Okita behind him with a shotgun and Gintoki in front of him, dressed as the minister.
"Danna, what's the plan?" he whispered, as the orchestra started playing the Wedding March.
"Well, about that..."
"What's this foreboding sense of doom?"
"I was going to have Shinpachi be a stand-in but he refused."
"What kind of plan was that? People would definitely have noticed! We're not completely interchangeable characters, you know!" Yamazaki hissed in panic, as Mitsuba made her gradual ascent up the aisle.
"I would have had him take off his glasses."
"My life is over. Ahhh... what should I do? Please, Mitsuba-dono, collapse from your illness. I'm begging you. I'll give you 300 yen," Yamazaki mumbled to himself.
Unfortunately for him, she made her way to him uninterrupted.
"Ahem, dearly beloved," Gintoki flipped through the pages of notes. "Ah, this is too long and we only have the chapel for another 5 minutes. Let's skip to the end. You may now kiss the bride."
"WHAT?! We didn't even say our vows. We didn't even say 'I do'."
"Hai, the groom agrees. Oneesan? Do you swear to take this jimi to be your husband, in sickness and in poverty, for all the bad times, et cetera et cetera?"
Mitsuba smiled. "I do."
"I now pronounce you man and wife."
"WHAT?! SERIOUSLY?!"
Mitsuba shut him up with an innocent kiss, to much cheering and fanfare. Yamazaki flushed crimson.
"Yamazaki-san, thank you for letting me know the joys of being a bride, even if it was brief." She turned to Okita. "Sou-chan, this was a fun visit. I'll come play with you again."
"Of course, ane-ue! Here, let me accompany you to the train station." Okita grabbed two luggage bags from behind the altar and walked his sister out as Yamazaki stood open-mouthed.
"What just happened?"
"Ah, you know, it's like this. I'm not an ordained minister or anything. This marriage was a sham."
"If you knew that, why didn't you tell me in the first place!"
Gintoki shrugged. "I guess it was just more fun this way."
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The End
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I can't tell if I wrote Yamazaki/Mitsuba or just another Zaki-abuse fic. Why do my Gintama fics end up so gen?
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November 8, 2008