The BLU team was getting tired. A week ago, it seemed like a great idea to hire a tenth mercenary to give them an edge against the REDs. Now, it was like they had come up with their own personal hell. A scant few of the people they had seen actually knew how to use a gun, and those that did wouldn't be much help on a battlefield. As the Spy cleared the last of the forms from the last candidate off the table, the doors flew open. In walked a sexy young woman with long honey blond hair and an AK-47 strapped to her back. She was dressed in what looked like a blue school girl's uniform. As she looked at each member of the BLU team, they felt as if she was looking at their very souls.
"Hello, I'm Stefani Diamond Mi Amore Cadenza Picard Hale Anne Marie. You can call me the Hunter. I'm trained in thirty different forms of martial arts, can shoot every gun on the market, and am the daughter of the ambassador to Australia." She said, handing the team her forms. They looked over the papers for a bit before arriving at their decision.
"Missy, this isn't going to happen." Soldier said.
"Ye creep us out lass." Demo said.
"And it's implausible to be descended from every nationality in the world." Medic chimed in.
"I don't know guys, she's pretty hot. I mean, pretty qualified. We should let Suzy in." Scout said.
"Scout, you little root rat, just stop. We don't care how attractive you think she is mate." Sniper said.
"You think I'm attractive?" Asked 'the Hunter.'
"It isn't exactly an exclusive list." Spy said.
"Shut up ya sneak!" Scout yelled.
"Would y'all shut up for one goddamned second? Now look miss, I'm sure you think you're more than good to go, but we aren't looking for someone with your abilities." Engineer said.
"Those abilities of course being ze power to distract ze Scout and make horrible fake histories." Spy said.
"Fake? That wasn't fake!" Stefani said.
"You said zat you're secretly the Pyro's sister, then wrote 'shush don't tell him.'" Medic pointed out. Pyro began to completely flip out.
"Goodbye tiny girl." Heavy said as he pushed her over to the door.
After a few minutes of Soldier, Pyro, and Heavy physically throwing her out of the room, the team began cleaning up the mess Stefani left behind.
"Alright, that is it! We cannot keep doing this!" Soldier declared.
"You'd rather keep losing to the REDs?" Sniper asked.
"Eh, so the bastards've been lucky lately, we'll still show 'em. Right lads?" Demoman said.
"How about zis: Ve vork in shifts. Half the team vill stay here for now, the other half vill go avay for a vhile. Zen, ze second half vill return to take ze first half's place." Medic reasoned.
"What if first half finds new comrade?" Heavy asked.
"Flag their file, tell zem they did well, send zem out until the second half gets back." Spy said as he walked out.
"Sounds good to me." Demo said as he followed.
"Vell, I haven't had lunch yet, so I'll go too." Medic said.
"Doktor, I saw great sandvich stand nearby, we should go!" Heavy said as he rushed out the door.
"So, it's down to us then?" Engineer asked, looking around the room. Pyro had slipped out unnoticed, but Scout, Sniper, and Soldier were waiting for the next audition.
"Yep. Send 'em in private." Soldier said.
Two hours later, only Pyro had returned. Between the five BLUs left, they had still hadn't managed to find a worthwhile recruit. Scout was the only one enjoying himself, seeing as most of the prospective fighters were attractive girls in tight clothing, but the others were quick to point out how useless they all would have been in a fight.
"Come on, that last one coulda been a distraction at least!" Scout said as yet another girl walked out.
"She'd be a corpse 'fore she could distract anyone." Engineer said.
"Why are they all girls? I would have thought at least one guy woulda come in." Sniper wondered.
"A few did, they were just too girly for you to notice the difference." Engineer said. Pyro seemed to nod in agreement.
"I swear, if this next one doesn't have something between their legs, I'm leaving." Soldier said. Sure enough, a scrawny young girl walked in.
"As commanding officer, I am dismissing myself. If any of you need me, I will be looking for the Demoman so I can drag him back to base." Soldier said as he set off to find his most likely drunk friend.
"What was his problem?" The girl asked in a Louisiana accent. She was short, even more than the scout, and lean with short red hair and a slim frame. She was a far cry from the models that came in earlier, and it clearly bothered Scout.
"Soldier? He's an ass." Scout said.
"Don't mind them. What's your name?" Engineer asked.
"You ain't gonna tell me yours, I ain't gonna tell you mine. Call me Trapper." The girl said.
"She's an ass too." Scout said.
"Oh yeah, can't wait to work with you." Trapper said.
"Oh out a sock in it you two. Let's get this over with. Why should we hire you?" Sniper asked.
"I can catch anything alive." Trapper boasted.
"Well ain't that nice? Don't suppose ya got anything to back that up?" Sniper asked.
"You sound like an Aussie cher, I think you'll like this." Trapper said as she produced a small box. In it was an assortment of various alligator teeth.
"What's cher mean?" Scout whispered to his teammates.
"Darling." Sniper replied.
"Or cockroach." Engineer added.
"What'cha whispering about?" Trapper said, suddenly much closer than she had been a moment before.
"Ah! What the hell?" Scout shouted.
"No, wait, I see it now." Sniper said, "She's obnoxious, skinny, speaks French, tries to outdo me, and sneaky."
"Oh, I get it. Real funny Spy." Scout said.
"What?" Trapper asked.
"Boys, I don't think she's Spy. Her handwriting's too awful. Might be Medic with a disguise kit though." Engineer said as he looked over Trapper's forms.
"Gee thanks. Look, am I in or not?" Trapper asked impatiently.
"Put it to a vote. All in favor?" Engineer asked. Pyro raised his hand, followed shortly by Sniper.
"Hang on what?" Scout asked.
"Listen, we'll be right back." Engineer said as he scooted his chair back. Scout, Sniper, and Pyro followed suit before they all leaned in closer to each other.
"What the hell Stretch? I thought you said she's like Spy. You hate Spy." Scout whispered.
"Yeah, but she ain't Spy. Look at her, she's some Sheila who thinks she can catch something. I say we test her out first." Sniper said in an equally hushed tone.
"Is this because of the teeth Slim? I'd a thought you wouldn't fall for some corny little trick like that." Engineer said.
"First off, I wouldn't. Secondly, those ain't a trick. I've seen croc teeth, and they're pretty damn close to what she's got." Sniper said.
"If they're only close why do we care?" Scout asked.
"Shss frm Lusanna. Thrr allugettrrs, nt crcudls." Pyro said.
"What?" Scout asked.
"I think he said it's cause she'd be wrasslin' gators instead of crocs." Engineer said.
"I swear Truckie, you spend too much time with Pyro if you actually understand what he's saying." Sniper said.
"Team bonding aside, do you even know what she says she can do? The way she wrote it up, sounds like she's got my toolbox strapped to her back." Engineer said. All four mercs looked at the backpack Trapper was wearing. It was decent, but it wasn't as big as Engineer's toolbox.
"Alright, what's she say she can do?" Sniper asked.
"Plant tripwires, mines, and something that sounds like the love-child of my sentry and Medic's needle gun." Engineer said.
"You lost me at love-child." Scout said.
"Basically, she says she's like a mix of me and Demo. Does that sound remotely helpful to you?" Engineer asked.
"Yeah." "You bet mate." "Mm Hmm."
"So all three of you say yes?" Engineer asked.
"Sounds like it hard hat." Scout said.
"Alrighty then, I guess I'm outvoted. Good luck getting the others to side with you though." Engineer said as he moved his chair back, "Congratulations little miss, they think you'd be good."
"Woohoo! When do I start?" Trapper asked.
"As soon as the rest of the team agrees." Engie said.
"That's bullshit." Trapper said.
"You know, maybe she's more like Scout than Spy." Sniper said.
"Think that means I'll score?" Scout asked.
"For the sake of your sanity, you might wanna skedaddle." Engineer advised.
After another hour, Heavy and Medic finally returned. By then, the line of prospective BLUs had been reduced to a handful of people. It only took half an hour at most to clear them out. When the six mercenaries got back to base, they found Soldier lecturing Demoman and Spy. Unfortunately for Spy, he looked to be mostly sober for this.
"Ah, the troops have returned from battle. Any new recruits yet?" Soldier asked.
"Nein. Ve'll go over the ones that vere flagged for later after dinner." Medic said.
"Gee doc, after that long lunch break o' yours, I'm surprised you're still hungry." Engineer said, clearly bitter about Medic not having been there for so long.
"Heh heh. Um, how about I make everyone steaks ya?" Medic said, trying to appease the four angry, armed men who he left to deal with a long line of idiots for hours. After dinner, the team sat down to go over anyone who had been put aside.
"So, let me get zis straight, zis one is trained in automatic weapons, can wield a combat knife, and has former military experience?" Spy asked as he looked over the latest file.
"And he has a full set of camouflage for various environments." Engie said.
"Vonderful." Medic said.
"He's also a condescending prick." Sniper said.
"I don't care, so long as he's a good fighter." Soldier said.
"What? You're the one who threw shovel at his head when he insulted your rocket launcher." Scout pointed out.
"Yes, I did do that. You see… he is a communist, we should not let him in." Soldier said, suddenly switching sides.
"That's odd, I could've sworn we all said not to pick this one. All of 'cept the Scout at least." Sniper said as he held up another folder full of information.
"Gee, wonder how that got there." Scout said, inching away from his teammates.
"According to this, she can't use a weapon, has an IQ of 'this question is hard' and her most prized skill is 'hawtness.'" Engineer said, leaning over to look at the folder.
"Team already has Pyro. Does not need more heat." Heavy said.
"Don't think that's what she meant lad." Demo said in one of the short bursts of consciousness he had between alcohol induced sleep.
"Oh. Oh! Ooh." Heavy said, the actual meaning dawning on him.
"Yes, vell, let's forget about zhat one." Medic said.
"Hey, here's that trap one." Scout said, pulling the next folder off the pile.
"Lemme see that Scout. Louisiana, tripwire, mines. No sale." Soldier said.
"Hmm?" Pyro asked.
"The battlefield is no place for a little girl." Soldier said.
"Zhen why is Scout here?" Spy asked, drawing laughs from everyone except Scout.
"Real funny asshole. Sully, all the files left are for girls. There were only like ten guys all day." Scout said.
"No. Place. For. A. Girl." Soldier emphasized.
"She seems qualified. Herr Engineer, do zhese plans look like zhey vould vork?" Medic asked, passing a few papers over to Engie.
"They'd work. Wouldn't do too much damage, but they'd work." Engineer said.
"May I?" Spy asked, "Let's see. Oh merde, a Cajun. I must say zhough, her ideas are not as awful as some of the ozers I have seen."
"So, is she in?" Scout asked.
"Ve vill see. Zhose in favor of letting in, vhat vas it, Trapper? Yes, zhat vas it. Zhose in favor of letting Trapper join us, raise your hand." Medic said, raising his arm. He was joined by Pyro, Sniper, Scout, and Spy.
"You three are opposed?" Medic asked. Heavy, Soldier, and Engie nodded.
"Heavy, you have been quiet. Vhy don't you zhink it's a good idea?" Medoc asked.
"Is little girl. Don't want to have to kill her when RED gets their own." Heavy said.
"Don't worry, I'll do it for you." Spy said with a grin. It earned him a quick blow to the head that sent him sprawling backwards.
"Heavy!" Medic scolded.
"Nah, he earned it Doc. Personally, I think she's too similar to me and Demo." Engineer said.
"Only as close as Demo is to Sully." Sniper said, causing Soldier to glare at him.
"No. Girls." Soldier repeated.
"Looks like that's gonna change pal." Engineer said as he got up, "I'll call her tomorrow."