and it was your heart on the line
It's been a hard day; a lot of running, desperate plans and lost lives. He's aware that him and River barely made it out with their lives in tact. Even he, who should be used to the notion that you can't save everyone, is a mess of shaking hands, ripped tweed and tear stained cheeks. River, so young and carefree, is… despite her upbringing, horrified. They walked onto the TARDIS and his wife just seemed to break in front of him, hairline fractures that no one but him could see.
If it was the early days of their timeline, he would not have seen the stiffness of her shoulders, the dead look in her eyes. He would not know where she is now.
But he knows her; beautiful, intelligent, tough, unpredictable, passionate… he knows where she will be, even if she's not aware that she goes there. He stands, shakily rising to his feet and walks from the console room with his body feeling heavier then ever before. His millennia alive, pressing on him, making it hard to breathe.
Of course, she's in the library. She's always in the library, but it's hard to think of that…
("If you die here it'll mean I'll have never met you!" "You'll see me again. You have all of that to come… you and me, time and space… you watch us run.")
So he focuses on her tightly curled figure in the armchair, her golden hair falling in front of her face, holding a book in her hands with her eyes looking beyond the pages. He wonders if she's still seeing the men dying and wants to erase himself (more then ever) from her life, untwist their fates and allow her peace… but he's too selfish. Far too selfish because he knows her too well, loves her too much to give her up.
He's unsure of what this younger River needs… if it were his River he would stroll over to her, play with the curls in her hair until she moved over so he could sit next to her, hold her tightly, kiss her gently so she kissed him back until they could lose themselves in the other, leaving the disappointment and despair of the adventure behind in their love for one another.
But is she that comfortable with him? Is that what she wants? What she needs? He wants to keep their routine but he doesn't what to sacrifice her contentment and joy when she has sacrificed so much for him.
"I can see you there."
He jumps, his arms getting away from him as he smiles sheepishly, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly. Her lips twitch just a little and she puts the book down on the table, spine bent.
He needs no more encouragement. Hands clasped behind his back, head bent he walks up to her, looking down at her. Her eyes never fail to entrance him, green like her mother (even now, she still holds some resemblance to the Ponds) but with gold flecked in them subtly. He likes to think it's the Time Vortex, swirling in her irises, tying her to him, the TARDIS and Gallifrey. He hasn't had that feeling in so long.
"Hello sweetie," he murmurs, stealing her words because he loves to hear them and hopes, that maybe, she likes them too.
"That's my line," she chastises gently, but she's smiling more now and his hearts race without warning (although he should be used to it by now) at the sight of it.
He unclasps his hands and holds one out to her, she takes it immediately and he rubs circles into the back of her palm with his thumb. Mindless circles, not the language of his people, but she seems so comforted by this and he wonders when exactly did he get so good at this. Romance, comfort, women; he's always been a little clueless, but he wonders if it's more of the effect of River, herself. She makes him want to be brilliant at everything, even though she's the only one who doesn't expect it from him.
"What are you thinking?" River asked, quiet- she's so eager to learn about him, even know.
He manages to grin at that, because she doesn't really ever change his River, "I don't suppose you'd believe me if I said you?"
She blushes a little, which makes him grin more because River is still learning to accept his praise and love- his grin sobers up a little as he realises River never received praise and love. He's the first one and he feels a pang of sadness for that young girl in the orphanage.
"You're so cheesy, Doctor," she mumbles, secretly pleased.
He bends, kissing her cheek, "Only for you, Doctor Song."
"Oh, such a honour," she says sarcastically, but the sarcasm in her voice is made all the softer by how pleased she is. He can see it, it's written all over her face.
She's moved over and he knows this is the first time (for her) they have shared this chair. He settles in next to her, threading his fingers even tighter with hers, allowing her warm weight to press into his shoulder. She lowers her head onto his shoulder and that oh-so-River scent of time, apples and machinery wraps around him and calms his heartbeats, makes him feel young and newly in love again.
"It won't all be like that. Will it?"
He lowers his head on top of hers so her soft curls brush against his cheek (he's always loved her hair) and is transported to a time with Pond and Vincent, when they realised he still committed suicide and she needed faith… sometimes, the similarities between mother and daughter are so obvious that he wondered how he didn't see the relation. He already knows his answer, of course, River is her own person; her own uniquely brilliant person who is separate to Amy and Rory.
"The Universe is never all one thing, River," he mumbles, pressing a kiss to the top of her head, before settling back, "It's so vast and complicated and sometimes we see the dark there. And it settles on us and it's all we can think about… but, all you have to do is remember why you fell in love with it in the first place. Sometimes we'll dance and we'll love and laugh, River and we'll never want any more then this. And then we'll have moments like today when we want to shun the Universe away."
"So, that'd be a 'no' then?" She smiled, making him smile with her in turn.
He goes to kiss her head again but she turns and he catches her on the mouth instead. Her eyes are twinkling at him and he smirks, before leaning down in to kiss her again and once again, they're running from tonight.