May we meet again.
These words kept playing in Clarke´s mind as she walked away from her people, her mother and best friends for whom she had made the biggest sacrafice a human being could possibly make.
As she wandered through the woods the images of the dead children, mothers and fathers, the protectors and supporters of a part of The Hundred hunted her racing mind. It took her breath away and she had to stop for a moment and hold on to a tree next to her. It felt like the weight was suddenly crashing down on her and pushing her to the ground. She felt heavy and kneeled down. Then her breath started to come faster and unregularly and tears ran down her cheek so fast that she was wondering if they were as heavy as the stones she felt beneath her knees. Open-mouthed she tried to get air into her lungs.
Clarke didn´t know how long she sat there like that but after what seemed like a long time, her eyes seemed to have been desiccated. When she looked up she realized that it had gone dark outside and she was really exhausted so she went to the one place she knew she would be save for the night: The supply store/The art gallery.
It hurt that this was the place she had to go to but she was so alone in this world that she didn´t know where else to look for shelter.
When she went down the stairs memories of Finn washed over her: How he gave her the paint, how he made her the two-headed deer, how she had her first time with him here... how she pushed the dagger into his chest, how he thanked her for it, how his head fell forward in a gesture of death.
Before she could get a panic attack, which she was sure she was on the edge of getting, she went upstairs again and stood in the dark for a while. For a brief moment she wondered if she deserved to live. Then she shook her head and started pacing through the black forest again.
How could it possibly have gotten this far? How did she become a murderer? Why did she have to take the lead in the war against the Mountain Men? Clarke knew the answer: Because she was like her father. Not long ago she would´ve taken that as a compliment but now she wasn´t sure anymore.
She didn´t want to have the urge of caring about the people she loved so much. At the same time she didn´t want to forget that caring was her greatest strength though.
All of a sudden a sound took her attention away from her dire, raptured thoughts. As the turned around she faced a two-headed deer. It was only a few feet away from her and Clake´s eyes got wide. She didn´t dare to move one bit or make a sound for that matter.
Her heart jumped nervously when it approached her slowly. Even slower she reached for the dagger she had taken with her but then something extraordinary happened that went against everything she had read about deers on the Ark.
The deer came so close that Clarke would only have to raise her hand and she could´ve touched it´s fur. It sniffed at her and she looked right into it´s three eyes. It looked calm and after they took there for a while the deer rubbed it´s head on her shoulder. As a reflex she petted it on it´s forehead and as an answer it made a weird sound that she couldn´t bring together with an animal.
When she giggled the deer tensed and ran away. „No!... Stay!", she called out but then she shook her head. Was she really talking to animals now?
This one experience made her think though. There were so many things she didn´t know about the earth and there were so many secrets she could still discover.
Even after everything she went through, everything she did, she was still alive. There had to be a reason for this! There had to! If there wasn´t: Why would she have survived the landing, the Grounders, the Reapers, the Mountain Men?
Maybe her being alive after all those battles ment she had gotten the chance to do good. To make up for her horrible mistakes. To become the Clarke she always knew she should be and thought she had been at the beginning of her journey on the earth.
She had to find her purpose, had to understand what life was there for. She needed to find out who she was, how she could be redeemed and where she could recover her strength.