A/N: Loosely based on the Alice in Wonderland movie by the Hallmark Entertainment people. Lily is Alice, and you'll find out who the other people are. It's probably a weird fic, but hey, so was Alice in Wonderland. If you have any questions about who the characters are, leave a review. If you've never seen the Hallmark version of the book (and only the Disney version) then some of the characters you won't recognize. There will be multiple chapters to this. I'm guessing maybe two to three. This is not going to be some epic fic. It's just a nifty way to think of how Lily might have gone into the Diagon Alley and met everyone. Oh, and the beginning to this is sort of boring, but I promise it gets better. Just stick it out, okay? I don't know when exactly the next chapter will be out. If it's a few weeks or something, just relax, and don't bite my head off. I can't write without a head. Leave your email address if you want to know when the next chapter is out.

Dedications: This fic is dedicated to Elle particularly, because I ran out of roles and so she only gets this really dinky one that doesn't count (I am SO sorry!). Also to Beth, because she's brilliant and she loves the Cheshire Cat almost as much as I do (and Beth, I hope you don't mind, but included the line about braiding hair in here....). And to Reine and Lils, who are just all around great, and I've already done enough for their egos, so if they need me to tell them how wonderful they are again, they can go eat a sock first.

Disclaimer: I own neither HP characters nor Alice in Wonderland (book or the movie). The song "Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite" belongs to the Beatles (you'll encounter it later, and this is the only disclaimer you'll see for the fic). The idea of braiding Dumbledore's hair belongs to Beth the Fox. Don't sue. It isn't worth it. Trust me.

Second A/N: I have a fetish with owl-poking and marmalade-dropping and having Petunia unconscious in her cereal. Don't look at me like that. Let me be in my own little weird world. It all makes sense to me.

~*~

Lily's Wonderland

Chapter One: All Because of the Owl

~*~

Lily blinked. There was an owl standing in her eggs, and he was holding an odd-looking letter. He stood straight and proud with unruffled feathers, as though he was a very prominent figure attending a stuffy aristocratic event and not just an owl standing in Lily's breakfast.

Petunia had already shrieked and fainted into her cereal bowl, while Lily's parents stared with bewildered expressions at the large barn owl on their dining table. Lily, meanwhile, was taking a strong dislike to this creature: It had ruined her eggs. She couldn't eat them now that that... thing had stuck it's feet in it. She took the end of her fork (the part that didn't have the sharp points; she didn't want to upset the dratted thing) and prodded it.

It didn't move.

Stupid, irritating.... Ruined my breakfast....

She poked it again, this time with the tines. It blinked with agitation. Lily narrowed her eyes and stabbed it a final time, with considerably more force. It dropped the letter in Lily's bacon and squawked noisily, taking off around the room and nipping violently at Petunia's hair (which was getting soggy with milk as she was still unconscious in her cornflakes), then sniping down at the marmalade with it's talons before flying out the open window. The Evanses looked at each other, then at their oldest daughter, who showed no signs of life, and then to Lily, who was now handling the letter with suspicious curiosity. Lily's narrowed emerald orbs grew larger and larger as they skimmed the yellowed paper, until she let out snort, rolled her eyes, and balled up the letter, tossing it into the garbage can near the door and picking up a piece of toast.

Mr. Evans took this opportunity to question his daughter on the peculiar episode.

"Lily, darling, what was that letter about? And why was it delivered by... owl?"

"Is this some sort of prank, do you think, John?" said Mrs. Evans to her husband. Lily looked at them.

"Oh, don't worry, Mum. It was just some stupid thing telling me that I was accepted to some school of witchcraft." She rolled her eyes. "Really. Like I'm daft enough to believe that..."

The Evanses looked at each other again, and then at the wastebasket into which Lily had thrown the letter. They turned back to their youngest child.

"Lily, dear, I don't think I heard you correctly.... Witchcraft?" Mrs. Evans questioned her daughter.

"Stupid bird ruined the marmalade! Argh!" Lily put her butter knife down disgustedly. "Yes, Mum, witchcraft. Probably some nutter who has an obsession with magical pumpkins or something ridiculous like that.... I'm going to go throw this marmalade out, it's no good with egg bits in it...." The Evanses watched as Lily rose from the table, walking towards the kitchen and muttering about the inconveniences of poultry.

"Well, that's settled, then," Mr. Evans concluded, and the adults went back to their breakfast, paying no heed to their oldest daughter, who was now snoring into her cereal, making strange bubbly noises in the milk.

Just as Lily was returning to the table (with a new dish of marmalade in her hands), there was a crash from the hallway, and the Evanses jumped up from their seats, wide-eyed and alarmed. Lily dropped the marmalade and swore under her breath, then bent down to pick it up, while Petunia snorted into her bowl.

The Evanses made no move towards the hallway; instead, they stood frozen, staring at each other in shocked horror. Just as Lily rose with the broken dish smeared with marmalade, a man entered the dining room who nearly made Lily drop it all over again.

This man was dressed in an extremely peculiar fashion, wearing something that resembled a very intricate and fancy graduation robe. He also had a very long beard of white, and long hair to match, both of which were just screaming to be braided. Perched atop a very long and crooked nose were half-moon spectacles that seemed to give him a wise look. And on his head sat a tall, pointy, cone-shaped thing, that appeared to Lily quite comical.

Not the usual attire for a thief or murderer, but to each his own.

The Evanses stood rooted to the floor, gaping openly with something like terrified astonishment at this stranger. The man smiled warmly.

Not something you would expect from a burglar or fugitive, but everyone has their quirks.

"I'm terribly sorry for just dropping in like this, but I was in the neighborhood, and I understand that you're having a slight dilemma accepting the news. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Professor Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry." The Evanses didn't move a muscle. Lily blinked at the weird bloke and screwed up her face in puzzlement and skepticism. Petunia made an odd gurgling sound into her milk. But Dumbledore's smile did not falter a bit. In fact, it seemed to brighten.

"Lily has been accepted to Hogwarts. This means she is a witch. Isn't that wonderful?"

No response.

Dumbledore began to let his smile droop.

"...She'll be learning magic..."

Still nothing.

"You are the Evanses, are you not? And you did receive a letter, did you not?"

Absolute silence.

Dumbledore sighed. Petunia made another gurgling sound and Dumbledore glanced at her. Raising an eyebrow, he took out something that Lily could only describe as a smooth and shiny stick, and muttered, "Ennervate," pointing it at the older girl.

Petunia sat up straight, felt her milk-dampened hair, looked at Dumbledore (who was pointing a stick at her, and that counted as some kind of deadly weapon in Petunia's mind), and promptly fell off her chair in a dead faint. Lily looked from her parents, who were staring at the wooden object that had just woken up their daughter, obviously in no state to be of any real assistance, and Petunia, who wouldn't help if she knew how, and sighed. Then, in a very agitated voice, she said to Dumbledore:

"Why can't you just knock on the door like a normal person?"

~*~

"...And so you see now that magic really does exist, and that Lily is indeed a witch, and with your permission, she will be attending Hogwarts in order to learn how to use the magic that she contains."

The Evanses, who were seated on the sofa in the living room, blinked slowly and looked at each other. They hadn't uttered one word since Professor Dumbledore, as he called himself, had made his entrance. Petunia had been abandoned in the dining room, and Lily sat in an overstuffed armchair, arms crossed, eyeing this atypical man with misgiving. She had listened to his absurd ramblings, and was just about to give him a piece of her vastly opinionated mind when her father stood and spoke.

"Well, erm... though I can't say that I'm not a bit... questioning of what you say, though I notice that, well, you have performed magic, and... well, I suppose... that... Well, Kate, what do you think?" Mr. Evans asked his wife, switching the spotlight to her. She snapped her eyes to him (away from Dumbledore's long beard, where she had been staring, pondering whether many little braids would look good or just one large plait) and blinked dazedly before standing as well. Then, taking a deep breath, she said:

"I believe that, even though I know magic is real now, I just... I don't feel entirely comfortable with the idea of my little girl being away for the entire year, off to some strange school with strange people, in a whole other world... I just don't know if I'm ready for my baby to be leaving so soon." It took all of Lily's self-control not to gag at this statement.

Professor Dumbledore smiled in a knowing way that made Lily narrow her eyes even more at him. He was an odd one, that was for sure.

"It's quite all right," said the madman. "Lily has no obligation to attend Hogwarts. Of course, this means she'll never be able to do this---" and Dumbledore waved his stick (which he had explained was a wand) at an old grape juice stain on the carpet, making it ddisappear. "Or this---" He pointed his wand at the hearth and a hearty fire immediately sprang up. "Or this---" He directed his wand to the vacuum that was sitting in the corner of the room, waiting to be used, and it suddenly came to life and began vacuuming the room by itself. "But I don't suppose that those things are very important, as long as Lily leads a normal life." Lily was following this object with her eyes, shock chiseled into her features. It was rather spooky, she thought, to have an un-plugged vacuum cleaner moving around by itself.

Her parents, on the other hand, were ecstatic. The old coot's tricks had convinced them. Their daughter---their precious---their baby---would learn magic! And oh, how much easier life would be for them! With a flick of her wrist, she'd be able to clean, and cook, and maybe, possibly even put the cap back on the toothpaste when she was done with it! What a glorious option! Who cared about a safe, normal life anyway? Life wasn't safe, and normalcy was overrated. And learning magic was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity! And Hogwarts, well, yes, good old Hogwarts, what a nice name, and all friendly sounding, and it's a very old school, like the nice man said, very well-known and respected, and they'll teach Lily magic to clean things! How positively lovely!

And that is exactly what her parents said as they danced happily around the living room and smiled with dreams of a spick-and-span household while Lily scowled to herself and Dumbledore smiled contentedly and Petunia drooled into the bit of marmalade that was left on the floor in the dining room.

Of course, Lily was certainly very intrigued about this witchcraft, and she wouldn't mind spending the year away from home and learning magic, nope, not one bit, no Petunia at Hogwarts, but to use her skills to clean the house?

Well. Wasn't that just every eleven-year-old's dream.

Though, Lily mused, if I get to learn magic like that Dumbledore character, I'll get to make things come alive....

Lily vaguely wondered whether or not she still had that plush lion.

~*~

It had been a rather unusual day, Lily reflected later as she lay down on her bed, feeling sleep tugging at her. Let's see... I wake up to an owl in my breakfast, I get a letter telling me I'm accepted to a magical school, a strange man with a beard that really needs to be braided breaks in and tells me that I really am a witch, Petunia drooled enough to wash her hair, Mum and Dad want me to use my powers to clean the house, and, possibly the weirdest thing of all, my new Beatles record is missing.

I'll bet that Dumbledore person nicked it. I knew I shouldn't have left it on the coffee table.

And with these last intelligent thoughts, Lily Evans drifted off to a peaceful slumber, dreaming about a Dumbledore with braids chasing a peculiar white owl with a set of tongs while singing to the Beatles' "Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite" before slipping in Petunia's puddle of drool and choking on some egg-flavored marmalade.

Such a sweet little girl, that Lily.

~*~

When our sweet little girl woke up the next morning, it took her a moment to remember why she had woken up thinking about having anything but eggs and marmalade for breakfast.

When her parents barged into her room, however, waving a familiar-looking, crumpled letter and wearing those annoying, great big grins that people sometimes get when they're exceedingly happy about something and just can't help acting like it, Lily was reminded of everything that had happened the day before. She smiled in anticipation of what she planned on doing today, which was scheduled as follows:

1. Eat no eggs or marmalade

2. Brag to Petunia about magical abilities

3. Look for Beatles record

4. Tease Petunia about her bath of drool

5. Learn to French braid

...Quite a lovely layout, really.

So you can imagine Lily's irritation as her parents hassled her and bustled about her, urging her to hurry and get dressed and make herself look decent, because today they were going to Diagon Alley, that nice place Dumbledore had been telling them about, where they would see magical things to help keep the house clean and get school supplies. And as her parents dragged her out to the car, Lily couldn't help thinking moodily that she had a whole month to get ready, and that this precious time should be spent doing absolutely nothing, as it was summer, after all.

Lily never was a morning person, something her future husband ought to note and never, ever forget.

Something her future husband should take care to remember, but the rule did not apply to parents.

Thus, as Lily's parents enthusiastically chattered about the excitement of her newfound talent, the girl in question trudged dejectedly behind, arms crossed sulkily in front of her, soft pillows and cartoons occupying her thoughts.

So they were looking for some kind of pub, were they? Leaky Cauldron, was it? Lily cast a half-hearted look at her surroundings. Nope. Nothing. She sighed. How were they supposed to find it, anyway? Her parents were obviously not going to be able to help anything, and she didn't have the slightest idea of what to look for.

Lily's salvation came from the sharpness of her ears.

"I'm so sorry, Mum! I didn't mean to make us late! I couldn't help it, though! I was just so hungry, and... Oh, Mum, do you think you can find the Leaky Cauldron with all these muggles here? It's awful crowded, Mum, what if we passed it? I don't---"

"Peter, darling," began an exasperated voice, "I know where I am going. I have been to the Leaky Cauldron countless times, and would you try and keep your voice down about such matters while we're in places like this?"

Oh, yes. That got Lily's attention. She whipped her head towards the speakers: A pudgy boy with watery blue eyes was tottering past her, bobbing along side someone whom Lily presumed to be his mother. So there was the solution to Lily's dilemma: Follow the nice magic people to the nice magic place. Brilliant.

"Mum, let's fol--"

"This is just absolutely fabulous! Oh, just imagine, Lily! You'll be able to do the laundry and fix dinner, and that way when I get home from work I won't have anything to do! It'll be marvelous!"

"And just think, Kate! No more broken sinks! No more engine problems or plugged toilets or squeaky stairs! Our Lily will take care of it all!"

Lily blinked and glanced around her. No one was staring... yet. Perhaps if she pretended not to be related...

"Mum, Dad, I just found a boy who---"

"With that pink frosting on them---"

"That garage door can finally be fixed---"

Lily sighed. It was pointless. She half expected her parents to skip merrily and sing hymns of joy within the second, they were babbling so fondly of everything they could have Lily do. So with another sigh she checked her pocket for her Hogwarts letter and list, muttered something about finding a book store and being back in a few moments, before she promptly turned around and abandoned her parents, following the thick mop of blonde hair that belonged to the pudgy boy.

I wonder if this means I'm a stalker now...

~*~

Lily blinked as her eyes adjusted to the dim light of the Leaky Cauldron. Her first impression of the place had not been of awed marvel; in fact, she'd only barely seen the dratted door. And once inside the pub, it was so crowded and noisy that Lily could barely judge it anyway. But she wasn't here to critique the dull pub.

Now where did that boy go... She sighed. Why can't people just do what I want them to? It would make things so much easier.

Not the egotist in the least, that Lily.

Thankfully, though, the splotch of straw-colored hair that belonged to Lily's unknowing guide was glimpsed by her just as a door closed on it, thus providing Lily with a destination. And so she wound her way through a clan of raucous witches dressed like daisies (to which Lily decided she didn't want to contemplate) and slipped out the heavy door, which led to---

A little alley with weeds and a garbage can.

Well, this is just lovely. I suppose they vanished into thin air, then, did they?

Sighing, Lily turned around and grabbed and turned the handle to the door that would lead her back into the Leaky Cauldron, only to find that it was locked.

Brilliant. Just brilliant.

"Fine mess you've gotten yourself into, Lily Evans, fine mess...." muttered Lily to herself. "Never should have trusted that old crackpot in the first place... and I still haven't found that Beatles record...."

"Is Miss needing help?" came an annoyingly high-pitched squeak of a voice that made Lily jump a few feet and spin around with her hands in a kung-fu fighting position. Of course, Lily didn't actually know kung-fu, but that didn't particularly matter if she acted like she did. She found, however, that she didn't need to be defensive; for the creature that had seemingly appeared out of nowhere proved to be less that three feet tall and rather pathetic-looking. Long, droopy, bat-like ears protruded from its oddly shaped head, and large, round eyes the color of murky water shown with anxious anticipation. When Lily didn't respond, the thing squealed again: "Is Miss needing any help?"

"What the bloody hell ARE---erm, I mean, yes, yes, that would be lovely, thank you..."

Politeness, Lily, will get you so much further than vulgar comments. Save those for Petunia.

The thing beamed happily. "Is Miss going to Diagon Alley?"

"Yeah... I kind of... got stuck back here... I'd really appreciate it if you'd just open the door... you can open the door, can't you?" Lily hated to think of what she'd end up doing if she was forced to live back here with this irritating creature for the rest of her life.

The thing nodded and scampered over to the garbage can, where it proceeded to hoist itself on top of it in a most peculiar fashion. Lily had to bite her lip to keep from breaking out into hysterical laughter. She didn't trust herself to tell the thing that the door was behind her. She was just about to ask the thing if it needed any assistance getting up there when it gave one final tug and shakily stood on the lid. Then it shoved its rather squished face so close to the wall that it was merely inches apart from scraping its nose against the brick. The thing then proceeded to trace one of its long, skinny fingers along the rock, muttering things to itself. Lily stood perplexed, eyebrows quirked. Then, quite suddenly, one of the bricks began to quiver, and a small hole appeared, which swiftly began to consume the rock around it until Lily found herself standing in front of something that could be defined as a passageway into a world of wonders.

Lily stepped through the passageway in a daze, eyes wide and round, trying to take in everything at once. She stood in awe for quite a while, staring at all the strange shops and people dressed weirdly. Then she remembered the thing and turned around to thank it, only to find that it, along with the passageway, had disappeared. Shrugging, Lily took out her supplies list and set off to shop.

Let's see... wand, cauldron, telescope... Good thing I convinced Mum to let me carry her purse, looks like I'll be needing it...

Lily walked into the first shop she saw, which happened to be the cauldron shop. Once again, Lily stood staring at everything. Cauldrons in every size and form lined the walls and were all polished proudly; the owner obviously had a fixation with cauldrons, to keep every single one of them (there were hundreds) so impeccably neat. Lily detested those awful people who could keep things clean. The fact that even the sign on the door that said "OPEN" had not one stain or scratch on it did not improve Lily's opinion of the proprietor at all. She turned back to the list.

Pewter, size two. What? I can't get a blue one with fish engraved in it?

Lily picked up the required cauldron and headed to the check-out desk. The middle-aged witch standing there looked uncannily like a mouse: Gray hair, large ears, long nose, whiskers, even, and, Lily was amused to note, that even the skin looked gray. Biting her lip, Lily placed the heavy cauldron on the counter. Mouse Woman, as Lily had thought her, put down the periodical she had been consumed in and passed a curious eye over Lily. Then, sighing, she announced, in a voice that sounded much like a rodent's squeak:

"That'll be seven sickles, please."

Lily blinked. Sickles? "Excuse me?"

Mouse Woman sighed again. "Sickles. Seven. You're muggle-born, aren't you?"

Lily nodded. That Dumbledore person had explained about muggles. Why hadn't he mentioned anything about money? It was obvious that the wizarding currency was different. Stupid old fruitcake.

Mouse Woman gave a half-smile. "Well, you'll need to go to Gringotts to get your muggle money exchanged for wizard money."

Lily nodded again. "Thank you, Mrs.... erm..."

The witch beamed. "Cauldwell, dear. Claudia Cauldwell, owner of Cauldrons Galore, home of all the best cauldrons you'll find anywhere! We have copper cauldrons, brass cauldrons, pewter cauldrons, silver cauldrons, even gold cauldrons! They come in all sizes and can be self-stirring or collapsible or expandable! Or all three! Or---"

"That is lovely, but... well, they're only cauldrons, Mrs. Cauldwell," Lily pointed out, a bit tentatively. This woman seemed so very enraptured by the mere thought of these rather boring objects. Which is why Mouse Woman's eyes suddenly grew the size of dinner plates. And Lily wasn't prepared for what happened after that.

"Only cauldrons? Only cauldrons? Only cauldrons?!" Mouse Woman screeched. "My dear, poor, deprived girl. Never insult the supremeness of cauldrons!" And she jumped up on the counter and began to sing, in a voice that sounded remarkably like a mouse squealing for dear life when caught in a mouse trap: "C is for the way they add Color to a room! A is for the way they're so Adorable! U is for their undeniable Usefulness! L is for the way you can't help but Love them!" At this point, Mouse Woman had added dance moves, which, and it pains me to say this, were incredibly terrible, and it pained Lily, too, who had to watch the entire scenario. "D, oh D, is for the way you Depend on them! R is for the way they help you get those potions Right! O is for how they'll Operate without effort! N is for the way they'll Never make you mad! CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAULDROOOOOOOOOOOOOONS!" And Mouse Woman breathlessly ended her number by doing a spilt on the counter top and throwing her arms in the air. Lily, feeling she needed to do something besides shake with silent laughter, began clapping furiously and whistling. Mouse Woman smiled portentously and hopped off the counter (a little stiffly, though; thirty-nine-year-old women aren't meant to do the splits on table tops), straightening her robe, as Lily remembered they were called.

"So you see, my dear, that cauldrons really are so much more than just cauldrons. They're what's made the world what it is today!"

"Oh, yeah, yeah. I totally agree. Completely," lied Lily. "And did I tell you that I simply adored the way you made your voice stretch so long on that last 'cauldron'?"

Mouse Woman beamed and began mumbling humbly.

"Oh, no, really, Mrs. Cauldwell, it was quite inspiring." Lily sighed with exaggeration. "It's such a pity that I'll never be able to hear it again, but---"

"Oh, I could perform again, if it means that much to you!"

"No, really, that's not necessary, because I really do have to be going.... You know, Gringotts and all."

"Right, of course. Well," Mouse Woman sighed again, "it was absolutely lovely meeting such a wonderful girl, and to show my thanks, I'll just let you keep this one-of-a-kind, fabulous, magnificent, stupendous, marvelous cauldron." And she (somewhat ceremoniously and hesitantly) handed the pewter cauldron Lily had picked out to her. "Be good to each other," she said tearfully.

"Oh, we will. Thank you so much, Mrs. Cauldwell," Lily replied earnestly. Mouse Woman nodded through her kerchief and waved them out.

"What a nutter," Lily muttered once she had closed the shop door. Then she headed towards Gringotts (or in the general direction she thought Gringotts was located), one thought standing in her mind.

Magic folk are weird.

~*~

A/N: I realize I didn't get very far into the plot (yes, there IS a plot), but it was enjoyable, wasn't it? WASN'T IT?!

Well, now that you've read all that, it seems pointless not to review, doesn't it?