First fanfiction I've ever written ever so I hope it isn't too terrible.( specially considering it was never betad) Originally posted on LJ because fanfic wouldn't let me load it on until three days after I joined. Based on the spoilers from last week, so by now it's practically au. Also, I hope the idea hasn't been butchered to death by now.
"for the love of god"
Or at least that's what Dave Karofsky attempted to say when his cell startled him awake 1:37 am, Saturday morning.
He plucked the phone off his night stand and studied the number. Squinted a bit. Rubbed his eyes. And then tried again to decipher what it said through the cloud of grogginess that lay heavily upon him.
FINN HUDSON
What the hell did he want?
He thumbed the talk button reluctantly and proceeded to ask just that.
"Hudson, it's like 2:00 in the morning what do" but he was cut off suddenly by the other end of the line.
"YOU'RE A COCK-SUCKING FAG KAROFSKY"
Typically Dave may have had some kind of comeback or over the top response to being called such things, but given the time of day and his amount of confusion all he managed was "what?"
"I SAID YOU'RE A COCK-SUCKING FAG…. KAROFSKY"
Wait a second that's not Hudson's voice.. it's way to girly… and drunk?
"I don't know who you are lady but I don't have time for your drunken shit" and with that he disconnected the line.
He took to staring at the phone for a while, feeling like he was missing something, but then decided it was nothing important and settled back into his bed, to sleep per chance to dream of worlds without shit faced ladies calling 2:00 in the morning to accuse you of being gay.
The person on the other side of the line apparently didn't approve of this at all.
The ringing cut into the morning silence once more.
He really shouldn't have picked it up again. It didn't make any since to, but something in the back of his mind kept chanting. Answer the damn phone David, don't you know who that was, answer the damn phone, this is important, answer the damn phone.
He picked up the line once more. Happy now.
"listen lady, I.."
"I am not a lady!" The angry screech ripped through his ear drum and Dave quickly jolted away from the phone, turning the volume down quite a bit.
"I am a beautiful Man, and you know it" the voice continued.
Dave was going to speak when the other end went on " you do think I'm a beautiful man….. don't you ?"
He almost responded with a ' dude, I don't even know who the fuck you are' when he finally realized it.
"Hummel ?"
Kurt didn't even seem to have heard this and kept talking " I mean that's why you kissed me right… cause you like me. I mean, it's not that I liked it or anything, I'm just saying that you found me pretty, right, you do find me pretty right?"
Dave Karofsky didn't know what to say about this. Of course he found Hummel attractive, inwardly he told himself it was because Hummel was practically a girl anyways even though he didn't feel attracted to any of the other girls at school. I mean for the love of god he was on the football team, constantly exposed to cheerleaders, the sexiest girls at school, or so he was told, and he never felt anything for any of them. Ok there was that time When Hummel was a cheerleader, but that kind of just served as a valid point against him. Especially when you consider he only joined the football team to see more of him, but even He tried to deny that fact.
Dave was shaken from his inner thoughts when Kurt began to shout again.
"TELL ME I'M PRETTY"
"Will you let me go to bed if I do?"
The other line went dead for a bit but then "you don't want to talk to me? I thought you liked me? Wouldn't you want to go out with me, and be my boyfriend, and we could have coffee and dance and stuff"
Wait was he crying. Why was he crying…. Why is he calling me? Was this just so Hummel could rub something in my face that I could never have? Was this just some kind of weird ego stroking? I'm not good at this stuff doesn't he know that. I body checked him into lockers cause I had a crush on him, it should be obvious I'm not good with this type of thing.
He had too many questions buzzing around in his head so he settled on just one.
"Why don't you go talk to your fancy pants of a boyfriend, I'm sure he'll tell you you're pretty."
This was apparently the worst question he could have possibly come up with. Kurt got, if it was even possible, more hysterical.
"DON'T YOU EVER TALK ABOUT BLAINE EVER TO ME. I HATE HIM, I HATE HIM SO MUCH, HIM AND HIS STUPID TRIANGULAR EYEBROWS. I CAN NO LONGER LOOK AT TRIANGLES WITHOUT THINKING OF HIS STUPID FACE. HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO PASS TRIGONOMETRY IF I CANT LOOK AT TRIANGLES EVER AGAIN"
Wait what did that scum sucking bastard do to him. Dave decided to play it safe and just agree with him.
"umm… yeah that guys a total douche-nozzle. I didn't know him long but he reeked of dickwad supreme"
This also was, as it turns out, the completely wrong thing to say. Dave was on a roll.
"DON'T YOU DARE TALK ABOUT HIM LIKE THAT. HE IS A PERFECT GENTLEMAN, UNLIKE YOU, AND HE CAN DANCE"
He can dance? Is that really all those gleeks ever looked for. "I can dance too" he mumbled under his breath becoming irritated.
"yeah, so what, I saw you dance at the football game. I was there. You dance stupid."
Hummel was at that game, oh god, he saw me dance. What kind of kick in the balls is that. To see the ass-hat who made you transfer, grinning like a moron and participating in the same exact things he picked on you for.
"yeah that's right you dance stupid. You smile too much. Don't you know you're not supposed to look all happy and… and charming when you're a zombie. You're so stupid…. And fat, and ugly, and that's why I would never go out with someone like you, even though you desperately want me to. You do desperately want me to. Don't you?"
Ahh, so not only was he trying to get a nice ego petting, he also wants to make me feel like shit, presumably as much as he must feel now for whatever reason that is.
Dave once again was caught completely confused on what to say. He could tell him that yes he was right about everything, that he did want Kurt so much it haunted his very soul every waking moment of the day, but knowing that would satisfy the other boy way too much, and he didn't want to do that since he was being a total dick. Then again he had been a total dick to him too so it was sort of….why the hell don't I just not talk to him it's not like he'll remember any of this any way and besides he doesn't even like me.
"Look Hummel, your obviously smashed off your ass right now so why don't we just hang up and we can both go to sleep" Dave tried to reason with him.
"NO, YOU LOOK HERE KAROFSKY….You owe me this, you're suppose to make me feel better right now. You're suppose to be like my Cyrano de Bergerac ….. Except were not cousins and I would never want to date you cause your ugly… and you're suppose to make me feel better. Because im like you're world or something"
Why did he have to keep calling him ugly. "damn it Hummel, I don't owe shit"
"YES YOU DO, YOU STOLE MY FIRST KISS AND MADE ME TRANSFER AND I KEPT MY PROMISE AND NEVER TOLD ANYONE, YOU OWE ME EVERYTHING"
"Wait, that was your first kiss…. I though …well at least Brittany"
"THAT DOSN'T COUNT CAUSE BRITTS A GIRL"
"that doesn't make a bit of since Hummel, either Brittany was your first kiss or I don't count at all"
"yes you do cause you're a boy. You were my first boy kiss, and it was nothing like I imagined it because you tasted like Doritos. I don't even like Doritos" God and he thought he was unreasonable sometimes.
"how can you not like…" but Dave didn't want to keep talking about this, he wanted to go to bed, and perhaps deep down inside he wanted to make up for the way he treated Kurt without actually saying sorry, and maybe just maybe cause he liked him but he'd never admit it. "Ok, Hummel, I'm coming clean, you are an absolutely beautiful man, and I wish I could date you."
"you… you do?"
Dave sighed in relief. Maybe this call from hell will be over sooner than I though.
"How much?"
Or maybe not
"So much Kurt" god it's weird saying his name "so very, very, much"
"Be more specific or I won't believe you"
"What?"
"Tell me things like… I don't know, like how you dream about me, and I give you boners and stuff"
What the hell did that prep school kid do to make Hummel like this. "uh yeah, totally Kurt, you give me such a boner, you're just so fucking hot. I mean I can't even think of the last time I ever jerked off to anyone else but you" Dave tried to ignore the fact that this was basically true.
"oh my god you're so disgusting…. Tell me more." He sounded desperate. "tell me how you are so in love with me, tell me creepy things you do because you miss me so much"
"umm ok" he thought a bit about it, he hadn't done anything really creepy, though admittedly on valentine's day he contemplated cutting out Hummel's photo from his year book and pasting it over that doll thing he stole. Hell what did he have to lose? "I uh… Pasted your face over the face of the lady on that wedding doll thing I stole from you"
" You, you did" he sounded shocked but far from displeased, if anything he came across elated. " you really have it bad for me don't you"
" Well yeah, who the hell wouldn't have it bad for you." He could here Kurt practically squeal across the line when he said that. "I mean you're positively amazing"
"tell me more of the creepy things you do"
God he really loves that stalker shit doesn't he. Well if being creepy is the point of the game, I can do that.
" Every night, I kiss that wedding doll before I go to bed and then….. then I shove it in my pants"
Kurt drunkenly giggled across the line, the tears almost completely gone from his voice. "ewwww"
Dave couldn't help it. He chuckled. "yeah and I uh…. I went to like Kinkos and got a bunch of copies of that portrait of you and I glued it on top of every face in every dirty magazine I have, Men.. Women… the occasional advertisement, Everyone.
And so they continued like this for an hour or so, Dave fabricating creepy stalker things he had done ranging from the believable "I doodle pictures of us in all my notebooks" to " I recorded all those times you would moan or grunt when I slammed you into your locker on my phone, strung the audio bits together on my computer and play them in a loop when I masturbate" and Kurt would come up with new ways to rephrase the words "you're so sick and twisted".
"thank you so much Karofsky… I mean really, thank you"
"awww really. That was just the tip of the iceberg. That stuff was just in the first week you left"
Dave could here Kurt's soft giggling come across the other end, it was a sound he couldn't help but have grown too fond of. "It's really nice to hear at least one person likes me and finds me attractive"
"Hummel, don't give me that self pitying bull shit. Just because no one else has appeared to pursue you doesn't mean there aren't guys out there. You're really something amazing Hummel. I mean if you never confronted me in the locker room you would have never found out I did"
"oh, I suppose you're right… thank you" Kurt paused for a bit " I um guess you need to get some sleep don't you?"
" yeah sort of"
"well ummm. Thank you again and uh….. good night"
"It's not that big of a deal….. good night Hummel"
The line went dead.
Dave placed the phone down back on his night stand and curled back under his sheets wrapping his arms around the cluster of pillows he kept that lay parallel to his own body.
Ok…. Maybe some of those things he told Kurt were less fabricated than he'd like to believe.