It was sunny out. Sunny and happy. You could hear birds singing, people talking like any other day, their words becoming murmurs under the whistling of the wind. Such a perfect day that it almost seemed unfair. Unfair because outside this cold and unfriendly box of a room, the world kept spinning. It kept smiling. You rip your eyes away from the window tired of the cloud filled baby blue sky and fix your gaze on her. The feeling starts in your chest and flows to your stomach where it only seems to intensify. It becomes so much it feels like you're about to explode and the force threatens to spill from your eyes. And you fight it because you've held strong from day one and you won't let it get the best of you, not today. You focus on her again. Her once cold hazel eyes are warm now, so very warm. Even through everything she's endured they're still so full of life. It's the only piece of her that she refused to lose to her disease. Her once strong, and in your eyes perfect, body is brittle now. All skin and bone barely held together by the little life she struggles to hold onto. And yet, those eyes still sparkle and that smile still shines. You wonder how she does it. You'd call it impossible were you not faced with it for the past seven months.
"What are you thinking about?"
You stare, more afraid than unsure of your answer. "Everything".
She raises an eyebrow in question, "Well what's everything? Everything must be something."
You smile at her, and you're well aware that it probably doesn't reach your eyes. A faint smile graces her angelic face and she cups your cheek. "You'll be ok", she whispers. And you break. Leave it to her to make it about you when she's the one in the hospital bed. With hot tears pouring down your face you clutch at her hand still on your cheek.
"This isn't fair, it just isn't fair", you sob. You squeeze your eyes shut willing it all away. It wasn't fair! Your anger begins to battle your feelings of hopelessness, but you can't get angry and you deflate before it even begins. You've had enough time to be angry but not enough to accept. Never accept.
"You're so stubborn", she playfully placates you and you stop crying enough to give a small chuckle.
You focus on those deep loving eyes again and you wish you had more time. More time to love her, to care for her. Her hand sits softly on your face and you bring it to your lips before gently placing both your hands on the bed, fingers intertwined.
"This isn't how it's supposed to happen Quinn. We're supposed to grow old together." the tears begin to pool at the corner of your eyes once more and you wonder when you stopped because at this point it's all you have left to do.
"We'll be together again Rachel, soon, I promise." she says it with such conviction you can't help but believe her. After all you weren't the only stubborn person in this relationship so who's to say she wouldn't get her way?
You tear your eyes away from her and look at the clock and you feel that same dark feeling consume you. It's like you're drowning from the inside out. Quinn turns her attention slowly to the clock. "It's almost time," she whispers.
You want to cry. You want to yell. You want to scream. You want to break every window, every door, and every face you see. But you can't. Nothing you do will stop what's soon coming, what has to come. You have less than an hour.
You carefully crawl in bed with her and wrap yourself around her, highly aware of all the needles and tubes protruding from her body. You run your hands through her golden hair over and over again, committing this all to memory. The softness of her skin, her silky hair, that smell that is specifically Quinn's. Laying a gentle kiss to her temple you whisper, "I love you Quinn". She turns in your arms and wraps herself around you as much as she possibly can, her face in the crook of your neck and you feel her kiss your pulse point before answering in the same, "I love you too Rachel. I always will." And you lay there wishing this were different, wishing you had more time, wishing it was you instead of her.
"Don't cry for me ok?" She nuzzles further into you. "One day you'll wake up and smile and it won't hurt anymore. I'll be a memory in the back of your mind and you'll continue on, singing and smiling. "
"How can you even say that?" You choke on your words and hold her tighter. "You'll always be there Quinn, always. Everything I do will be for you and only you. I promise. I'll never forget."
Both of you lay there content with this moment lost in your thoughts, imagining the life you were going to have together. It feels almost true, just at the tip of your fingers. Then it's gone. A wisp of smoke and your hand falls through. You don't know how long you've both held each other but suddenly the door opens and the doctor walks in. Standing there for a few seconds he feels his own heart ache for the young couple. He knew when he chose this career there would be death and loss but it still wasn't easy. Turning off these machines was still something that slowly chipped away at his sanity. He was supposed to save lives, and he couldn't even do it for them. Frowning he addresses the girls, "It's time".
You both tense. "Can I stay in bed with her?" you silently plead with your eyes, begging for this at least. He nods solemnly and gives you a broken smile. "Of course."
You look down to her face again as he slowly approaches the beeping and whirring machines.
As he begins to tinker with it, Quinn looks up at you and whispers, "Dont forget to live Rachel, promise me". Her own silent beg present in her dimming hazel eyes. As she stares into your eyes you offer your own watery smile in return. "I promise". You want to stare into her eyes as long as you possibly can. You want to absorb as much of the light she has glowing in them to hopefully last you the rest of your life. "I love you Quinn."
"I love you Rachel", she answers quietly and you can barely hear her as her eyelids begin to flutter.
And you kiss her. A soft lingering kiss, willing her heart to keep pounding, thinking maybe you could transfer your own breath into her. You feel her kiss back and you both smile. Pulling back enough that you're breaths still mingle, you look into her eyes. With one last sparkle, and one last breath still lingering between both your lips...she's gone.