Still In Love

First two-shot… aren't you proud of me? I've been meaning to write this for a week now, I just never got around to it. Just some Kames angst… smut in second chapter. As usual, don't own the boys or the song (Nothing by The Script). Hope you enjoy!

R&R, you know the drill. ~ATL

Kendall's POV

Am I better off dead
Am I better off a quitter
They say I'm better off now
Than I ever was with her
As they take me to my local down the street
I'm smiling but I'm dying trying not to drag my feet

"Kendall? Kendall!" Logan shouted, shaking me vigorously by my shoulder. "Can you even hear me?"

I groaned, turning over on the couch so I wouldn't have to face him. "Look, Logan, I don't want to talk right now, okay?" I grumbled, glaring at him before putting my head back down.

"Can't you at least tell us what happened?" Carlos begged. "You just came in here and lay down without even talking."

"Um…" I mumbled, already feeling the tears welling up in my eyes. "J-James and I… had… a fight…" I whimpered, covering my face with my hands. Just saying his name made my chest feel like it was being ripped open all over again.

"Oh… That's horrible!" Logan exclaimed. "If you don't mind my asking… why?"

"He said… he didn't want to see me anymore. It was because of what happened on Friday night… he was talking to this guy when we went to a bar. I came up behind him and hugged him, and he just freaked out. He said I was being too possessive and I was holding him back. I thought he got over it, but when I tried to bring it up at dinner earlier he yelled at me. He said that I was inconsiderate and clingy and that I should stop being so jealous all the time," I whispered through the tears clogging my throat. "I was stupid and yelled back… I said some really mean things, and I wish I could've taken them back as soon as they were out of my mouth. But you know how horrible I am at thinking before talking."

Carlos put his arm around me, hugging me tightly as his warmth radiated throughout my tired body. "Maybe a little break is a good thing," he said hesitantly, like he was choosing his words carefully. It almost seemed like he was afraid of me; like I would blow up in his face like I had done to James.

"Yeah, maybe you're better off," Logan added. He reached out his hand to touch my arm, but retracted it quickly; I was too upset to care. "Why don't you come out with us? We'll buy you a drink, and you can forget about him for a little while. Then maybe you'll feel better and you can got talk to him."

His words barely registered in my mind; I was too low in my own self-pity to care at this point. Maybe I'm just better off dead, I thought miserably. If I hadn't existed, this would have never happened. Maybe I should just quit and get out of it.

"Come on, Kendall, let's go," Carlos murmured, standing up and pulling me towards the door of their apartment. He turned back to smile at me, but my eyes were clouded with memories. James smiling, James laughing… he was impossible to forget. But I had to try, for Logan and Carlos. They hated seeing me like this. I hated seeing the pain in James' eyes as he slammed the door in my face… every second I relived that moment, thinking of all the ways I could make him forgive me.

The door shut behind me, and I gave a weak smile to reassure the two younger boys. It was all a lie, just like everything I had ever said to James that was meant to hurt him. He knew I loved him more than anything in the world: why couldn't he see how I was dying inside?

They say a few drinks will help you to forget her
But after one too many I know that I'm never
Only they can see where this is gonna end
But they all think I'm crazy but to me it's perfect sense

I sat at the bar an hour later, downing my fifth beer in the last 20 minutes. I swallowed, coughing once or twice to clear my throat, and slid the bottle down the counter for another refill.

"Why does he hate me?" I mumbled, swinging my head around to face Logan. "I was only trying to protect him… sometimes he's so naïve. He forgets that people are mean and that he can't trust anyone… except for us."

"I'm sorry, Kendall," he told me, rubbing my shoulder. "But… maybe he didn't need saving. You don't give him enough credit. He's smarter than you think."

"Is it bad that I want him all to myself?" I continued, only half-hearing him. "I don't want anyone else to eve take him a-away…"

"Let's just go home, Kendall," he suggested resignedly, "before you do something stupid without thinking. Again."

"No!" I protested, whining as he tried to pull me towards the door. "I have to go see him… he has to take me back!"

"Can't you be realistic?" Logan asked, he face strained and his voice raised a little bit. "Give it a rest!"

"If I go see him, he'll take me back…" I muttered to myself. "I need to go see him. I need to."

And my mates are all there trying to calm me down
'Cause I'm shouting your name all over town
I'm swearing if i go there now
I can change your mind turn it all around

"James! James! James…" I yelled, running haphazardly through the streets. Logan and Carlos were chasing me, telling me to stop, but I didn't listen. I couldn't. The only thing in my mind now was James, and how I could make him understand.

And I know that I'm drunk but I'll say the words
And she'll listen this time even though their slurred
Dialed her number and confess to her
I'm still in love but all i heard was nothing

I pulled out my cell phone, wincing slightly at the background of James and I smiling together. I dialed his number without thinking, listening to the ringing as my heart ripped in half again.

"James? James, please, baby, I need you back," I whimpered into the phone, my words slightly slurred from the alcohol coursing through my veins. "I love you, James, it's always been you. Can't you see that I'm dying inside? You keep my heart beating. "

I heard a long, slow sigh from the other line, and then it went dead. I choked back a sob; I didn't even get to hear his wonderful voice. He hadn't even talked to me. Was I that worthless in his eyes?

I stumbled into a doorway without looking, collapsing on the front step of the building without ever taking my eyes off of the photo of us.

"What did he say?" Carlos asked, pulling me back to my feet.

"Nothing… nothing… nothing…" I repeated, turning away and continuing my pointless journey through the city. My heartbeat, my footsteps, my breath all seemed to be whispering the same words over and over again. Nothing, nothing, nothing, he said nothing… It pounded through my mind like some perverse mantra, taking over my body and forcing my feet down the well-traveled path to his apartment.

So I stumble there, along the railings and the fences
I know if I'm face to face that she'll come to her senses
Every drunk step i take leads me to her door
If she sees how much I'm hurting
She'll take me back for sure

It would have to be face-to-face, I decided as I ran. If he sees the pain in my eyes, he'll have to take me back. He'll have to. I knocked my arm against a fence, ignoring the pain throbbing through my elbow. James was all that mattered to me now.

Logan and Carlos had long since stopped trying to restrain me, knowing that once I set my mind to something I couldn't be held back. If James saw me now, he would let me back in. He couldn't shut me out forever… could he?

Oh sometimes love is intoxicating
Oh you're coming down your hands are shaking
When you realise there's no one waiting

I knocked on the door as I finally reached it, Logan and Carlos hovering a few feet behind me in the dim hallway. It was well after midnight now, but I knew he was usually up at this time, watching TV or on Facebook. I knocked again, slumped against the wall with tears pouring down my face. I couldn't help but remember what had happened on the phone…. How he had blatantly ignored my pleas, how all I could hear was a sigh, how he had hung up without saying a word.

Oh I wanted words but all I heard was nothing

After a few more knocks, the door swung open, and my breath caught in my throat as I took in the image. James was standing in the doorway, usually perfect hair messed up and sticking out at odd angles. He face was drawn and gaunt, the bags under his eyes contrasting with his skin. His arms hung tiredly at his side, and his sweatpants were hanging loosely off of his body. He looked like he had been through hell and back; not that I looked any better.

My hair fell in my eyes as I took a step forward, reaching out one hand to touch him, to make sure he wasn't really just a hallucination. I stopped just before I brushed his cheek, looking up to meet his dark hazel eyes that reflected the pain in mine.

"I'm sorry," I breathed, blinking back tears again. "I'm sorry, James. I never meant to hurt you. You're everything to me… you're the only one who matters. Can't you see how much you mean to me?"

He blinked, but still his mouth stayed closed. "I love you, James," I continued. "I love you so much. Without you, I'm nothing. Please… tell me you love me too."

For a long while we stood there, neither one of us talking His eyes bore into mine with a burning intensity, but under the anger I could sense pain and hurt. It killed me to see him like this… he was supposed to be always happy. I was supposed to protect him. I guess I didn't do a very good job.

"I love you," I whispered one last time, begging him silently to tell me he does too. If he didn't… I didn't know what I could do.

He took a slow breath, wiping his eyes to get rid of the tears building up. He opened his mouth, then closed it again, as if he wasn't sure what to say.

"Please say something," I murmured. "Anything."

"I love you too," he breathed, so quietly I could barely hear it, and he threw himself into my arms like we had never been apart.

How was that? Please review! Chapter 2 coming soon!