Selfish

by Nuttyshake

You're so selfish that you don't care about your best friend's feelings. You know, one day, she will realize she likes him too. And that day, he will still be there, waiting for her like he did for four years. And you'll be the only one blocking him.

This is my first iCarly fan fiction. It's a one shot. The idea popped in my head one night when I couldn't sleep, LOL. I really hope you like it, because I think Carly and Sam are quite OOC. Sorry about that.

iLove You never happened, meaning Sam and Freddie never broke up and never admitted they love each other.

Disclaimer: I don't own iCarly or the characters.

You're selfish.

You're so selfish that you only care about your own happiness. You don't care that the boy you're dating is with you just because he can't have your best friend. You don't care that by staying with him you're ruining him. You don't care that he deserves better.

You're so selfish that you won't let him go just because you love him. And you're sure he doesn't love you back, but as long as he's with you, you could live in the illusion that someday, maybe, he would.

You're so selfish that you don't care about your best friend's feelings. You know, one day, she will realize she likes him too. And that day, he will still be there, waiting for her like he did for the past four years. And you'll be the only one blocking him.

But you're so selfish that you don't care she came first, because you wanted him first. And you know he's just waiting for the day you break up with him, so he can come back to her without feeling guilty.

Are you really that selfish?

.::::::::::::.

"Okay, let's start brainstorming for the next iCarly." Carly closed her pink folder to look at me and Freddie. We were sitting on the same beanbag, his arms around me while I was on his lap. In case you were wondering, yes, Freddie and I were dating. We've been dating for over a month already. We had a rough start, we couldn't stop fighting and we always had to rely on Carly, but we managed to work it out because it was too important for us to mess it up. We tried to find a good balance, because there was absolutely no way I'd stop hitting, teasing and insulting Freddie just because he was my boyfriend now.

Freddie was my boyfriend. I still had to get used to the sound of that, but I liked it. Sometimes, I wondered how was it possible for him to like me. I've only hit him for years and I still do. But then again, I like him too and he's a nub. But he never did anything wrong to me. He was always there for me even when I didn't deserve it. He wanted to spend time with me knowing that it could end badly. Actually, our friendship's gotten a lot stronger through the years, to the point I'd only tease him and he'd just roll his eyes at me, but now that we're a couple it's like we forgot all our friendship development to get back to how we acted at thirteen: I'd insult him, he'd insult him, we'd start fighting over the most stupid thing and maybe I'd slap him. Of course, now I couldn't slap him anymore, but it was still annoying that we couldn't go a day without fighting. We were still trying and we were making progress. But I was scared, because I expected Freddie to break up with me because of my attitude anytime.

"Alright, what about we make Spencer juice random things and then Gibby tastes them?" I suggested. Strange as it seems, Spencer juiced corn sometime ago and Gibby liked it. "We could try to juice fish, or pizza, or ham! How awesome would ham juice taste?"

"It sounds...disgusting." Freddie grimaced. I had the urge to punch him and start an argument about him never agreeing with me, but instead I just rolled my eyes. I had to keep my anger in check if I wanted to make this work. I turned to Carly, expectantly. She always liked my ideas.

"Carly?"

She was looking at us, but her eyes were absent. I'm pretty sure she didn't even hear me call her. Her eyes were going back and forth between me and Freddie.

"Carly?" I repeated, snapping my fingers in front of her. She blinked a few times and returned to the normal word.

"Yeah, what's up?" She was trying to cover her daydreaming by acting nonchalantly.

"Are you listening to me? I was telling you my idea for iCarly."

She looked taken by surprise, but covered it. "Uh, yeah, of course. What about that?" She was talking very fast, like she usually does when something's wrong.

Freddie and I exchanged a look. "Carly, are you ok?" I asked her.

"Yeah...I'm just...a little tired." She touched her forehead to emphasize what she just said. "I didn't sleep well tonight."

"Is something wrong?" Freddie stepped in.

"No...Spencer, he...kept me awake...'cause he set the sink on fire..." She seemed unsure of that.

"Really? How is that even possible?" Freddie noted. Carly shrugged innocently.

"Anyway, ham juice. I like that." She scribbled something on her notebook. She was now her usual bubbly Carlyself, even more bubbly than usual because she seemed to want to move on to another argument.

"Alright…" Freddie mumbled, still grimacing. He still didn't like the ham juice idea. "We should check the comments on the site, you know, to find new ideas." He opened his laptop and quickly logged in to the site. His eyes scanned over the comments and didn't say anything for a while.

"Let me see." Carly moved her bean bag so now she was sitting next to Freddie, leaning over to peer at his laptop. I couldn't help but notice she was really close to Freddie. That was another thing I needed to keep in check: my jealousy. I knew there was no way Carly liked Freddie and I knew Freddie didn't like Carly anymore. Or at least that's what he told me. Sometimes I had my doubts, but when he kissed me or held me or touched my hands they all went away.

The comments pretty much only complimented us or said stupid things. I noticed most of them said things like "I'm so happy Sam and Freddie are together!", "You're so cute!", "SEDDIE!". Freddie chuckled once in a while, while I could swear I heard Carly grunt. I guess she didn't like our relationship to be involved in the show. Freddie stopped the mouse on one of them and read it aloud.

"Hey, I'm Lucy. I'm a big fan of iCarly and I just want to say that I love Seddie! They should have their own segment, 'cuz they're so funny and cute! Please think about it."

I laughed. It was good that the fans loved us, but sometimes they were a little crazy. "That's cool, but we already have our segments."

"I think she's asking for couple segments, not pranking-Spencer-segments." He chuckled. I looked at Carly, who had a perfectly blank face.

"I don't think so. It's Carly's show, not the Seddie show. There is no way I'm gonna stand in front of that camera with you and do…what?" I shivered at the idea of us kissing and laughing in front of everyone.

"I don't know, something funny. We could videochat…play some games…give relationship advices…"

"That sounds like a bingo night at my grandma's house." I replied.

"Carly, what do you think?" Freddie turned to her, waiting for an answer. She was a little white and she surely didn't want to talk. What was wrong with her?

"I…don't know. It's your choice. It could help ratings, so why not?" I could tell she was acting overly excited on purpose. I guess she actually didn't like the idea. How could I blame her? It was her show.

"Read another one." I ordered to Freddie. Freddie nodded.

"Hey, Carly, Sam and Freddie! Why don't you sing something on the show? By the way, Sam, you're so lucky to have Freddie! He's so hot!" Freddie was smirking, feeling proud of himself. "Yeah, I know, right?"

Usually, I'd make a sarcastic comment about how he's not hot and he's a nub. But why keep lying? I just laughed with him and pecked him on the lips, while he played with my hair.

Carly coughed, suddenly getting up. "Um, I…I'm gonna go…downstairs for a minute. You guys start thinking of songs we could sing, ok?" She was out the door before we could reply to her.

Freddie looked at me. "What's wrong with her?"

I shrugged. "Maybe she's really just tired. Now, what can we sing?"

.::::::::::.

I opened the door to Carly's apartment without even knocking, as usual.

" 'Sup, people?" I announced myself in the room and then jumped on the couch.

Carly and Spencer looked down at me. It looked like I had just interrupted a very important discussion. Carly had a strange look on her face. She looked embarrassed, and...guilty? Spencer was just looking at me as if he didn't know what to do, with his mouth wide open. There was a strange silence in the air. I hated silence. I decided to break it.

"Hey, Carls, are you okay?"

Spencer clasped his hand together, taking that as his cue to leave. "Uh...I'm gonna leave you two...alone." Then he ran upstairs, not looking back, humming some song I didn't know.

I looked back at Carly, and she still had that guilty expression on her face.

I sat up. "What happened? Is something wrong?" I suddenly brightened and bounced off the couch. "Did you do something bad? What'd you do? I wanna know!" I was jumping up and down, but she wasn't as excited. If anything, she looked dead serious.

"I need to talk to you."

My eyes fixated on hers, trying to get under her skin. I had never seen her so nervous. Something bad had happened, I was sure. It only scared me more.

She touched my shoulder and gently pushed me to sit down on the couch. She did the same, not looking at me but playing with her hands in her lap.

"About what?"

"About Freddie."

Something bad happened to Freddie. No, it couldn't be. He called me ten minutes ago and he was okay. I was pretty sure he was across the hall right now. Carly still wasn't talking and it was making me nervous.

"What happened to him?" I asked, trying to sound as if I didn't care that much.

"Nothing! Nothing happened to him." She quickly replied. And now I was confused again.

"Carls, get to the point already!" I rolled my eyes.

Carly pursed her lips. "Please, you have to promise you won't freak out. It's nothing important, really."

"Then why is it taking so much for you to tell me?"

"Because I know you'll take it the wrong way, or you'll jump to conclusions. Please, don't."

I sighed. Sometimes Carly was such a drama queen, even if sometimes I did overreact. "Fine. Now talk."

Carly took a deep breath before she started talking. "You know, Sam, I'm so glad you and Freddie are dating and have been working out your problems. I think you're perfect for each other." She smiled sincerely at the end.

"Well, thanks Carly." I smiled too. "I'm so sorry we stressed you out. We shouldn't have relied on you 24/7."

"Don't worry about that, I understand. You wanted it to work out." She sighed. "But anyway, that's not what I wanted to tell you. I want you two to be happy together, and I don't want you to break up over a stupid thing."

I narrowed my eyes. "Carly...why are you telling me this?"

"I know there will be some issues you'll need to get over, and you probably will keep fighting, but just remember that Freddie really, really likes you. Don't ever forget that. You deserve him. And he deserves you. I know he makes you happy and I don't want to change that."

I don't want to change that. Why was she telling me this?

She bit her lip. "Sam...you've been dating a month, and Freddie...well, he doesn't like me anymore. It's kinda weird, because I'm so used to it...to someone always telling me how pretty I am, and doing everything I want just to make me happy...but I understand that Freddie's not a dog and he isn't gonna wait forever for me. He deserves someone like you. You saw something in him from the start that I couldn't see. I mean, you like him for who he is, not because he saved you from a truck or because he's cute. I mean, let's face it, Freddie's getting pretty hot lately." Carly chuckled, probably to pretend there was some humor in the discussion. I didn't find it. I faked a chuckle too.

"Anyway, Sam, I'm just telling you this because I want to be honest with you and I don't want you to hear it from someone else and get the wrong idea. It's really nothing." I motioned for her to continue. She wasn't hesitating anymore, she was talking full speed.

"I think I kinda like Freddie a little bit." As she said this, her eyes dropped to her lap and my heart stopped in my chest.

During all the conversation I tried to keep a smile, even if a really fake smile, on my face to convince her everything was okay. But it was not. My smile slowly started to fade away, then dropped completely. I had a thousand thoughts going on in my mind. Why didn't she tell me? When did she start feeling like this? Did she tell Freddie? What was I supposed to do? Would Freddie leave me if he knew Carly liked him? Instead, I only said a word. "Oh."

Carly nodded, still avoiding my eyes. "Don't be mad at me."

I gulped. "I'm...I'm not mad at you. You're my best friend."

"Please, understand. It's just a little crush. An attraction. Before tomorrow it will be gone." she reassured me. I knew Carly's crushes only lasted some days or weeks, that wasn't my real problem. The real problem was that if Freddie knew, he'd forget about me to run to Carly. And I was not ready to let it all go. I've never been as happy as I am since I started dating Freddie. Sure, I could not tell him. But was I really that selfish to do anything to keep him with me when he deserved, wanted, and could have so much better? This wasn't about me. This was about him and what he wanted since we first met. I didn't want to be the obstacle that kept him from the girl he loved, now that she has finally opened her eyes. I had to break it off now, because I knew he would never want to hurt me. I couldn't be that selfish. He deserved her way more than me.

I nodded, smiling slightly. Not because I was happy, but because I pretend to be strong and brave when I'm really not. "Well, fine then." I chuckled once again to break the tension, my voice high. I swallowed as I felt tears welling in my eyes. I blinked a few times to make them go away. It didn't work.

She touched my shoulder. "Are you okay?"

"Yes." I mumbled, managing to smile. Obviously, it was faker than before. "I need to talk to Freddie." I stood up instantly to reach the door, but Carly stood up too and grabbed my wrist.

"Sam! What are you doing?"

"I have to tell him!" I struggled to break free of her grasp. Normally, I'd do it in a second, but right now I was weak. Yes, I was weak. Now that I finally had what I wanted it was about to be taken away from me. Again.

"Why? I just told you that it's nothing! I don't want you to break up with him!"

"But if I don't, he will lose his chance to have you! I can't let that happen!" I felt a tear on my cheek. No, please, no. Tell me I wasn't crying.

"Sam..." She paused. "Please, don't do it. I know you think right now I'm feeling the same hurt you felt when Freddie liked me. But I'm not. I'm perfectly fine."

"Me too. Really, it's...fine." I was completely fine. I mean, I felt like dying inside, but I was fine. Really.

"No, you're not. You're about to ruin your relationship with Freddie because of my stupid little crush? It will be gone in no time!"

"He'd choose you liking him for even the tiniest bit of time over me loving him a thousand times." I felt another tear drop. Why won't it stop? I don't like to feel so vulnerable! My voice was choked and tears started pushing until I had to release them.

"Do you really think he'd choose me? I had a million chances and I'd wasted them, and I'm the only one to blame. Now it's your chance. Why would he date you if he still liked me? Freddie loves YOU."

"No, he SETTLES for me!" I cried. Why did she have to remind me that Freddie would never love me back? It only hurt me more. There was no way Freddie would love me when he could have her.

Carly sighed. She didn't like seeing me like this, but I couldn't help it. "You promised me you wouldn't freak out." She brought her hand to my cheek to wipe away some tears. I shook my head, not being able to talk because I was sobbing. "Sam, Freddie always talks about you. Really. He never stops! A week ago, he spent a hour talking to me about how much he loves you and how much he wants to tell you, but he's scared you're gonna break his arm. And he always wonders how he ended up with you, but he'd never take it back because he thinks it's the most amazing thing he did and you're the most incredible girl he met. And if you don't believe me, ask him!" She gestured to the door. Did Freddie really tell Carly all those things about me? Or was she just making it up to not make me break up with him?

I sighed and looked from Carly to the door, deciding who to believe. At last, I just threw myself at the door and opened it, running in the hallway.

"Freddie!" I knocked on his door, calling him. "Freddie!"

I heard someone walk to the door and a moment later, the door opened. "Hey Sam." He flashed me a smile. Then he saw my face, covered in tears, and his smile turned into a frown. "Are you alright?"

"Yes." I rolled my eyes, breathing so I could stop sobs. "I need to talk to you."

"What happened to you?"

"It doesn't matter. I'm gonna ask you something, and please, tell me the truth."

He nodded and waited for me to continue.

"Do you still like Carly?"

He did the unthinkable. He...laughed. Why was he laughing? I was serious! He shouldn't be laughing!

"Why would I..."

"Please, don't lie! I want the truth!"

He shook his head firmly. "Not anymore."

"But what if she liked you?"

"She doesn't like me. She never did and she never will!"

"Oh, well, but she does now! She told me! So now you can have her!" I desperately tried to sound angry, or at least disinterested, but I couldn't. Telling him that was breaking me. I was encouraging him to go after Carly and leave me. I didn't want him to leave me. But I couldn't be that selfish. After Freddie gave me a blank stare, I sighed and tried to calm myself down and sound happy, failing miserably because when I started talking my voice broke. "Really, I'm ok with that. I always knew it would happen!" I felt other tears on my face. Not in front of him! Please, don't make me break down in front of him!

Freddie widened his eyes, worried when he saw me cry. Yes, Freddie, Sam Puckett cries. I prayed he'd go with it. I was doing this for him. I wasn't right for him. Instead, he went to wipe my tears, whispering something like "Sssh, don't worry, it's okay" to calm me down.

"Sam, I'd never break up with you." he spoke softly. He didn't seem to have a reaction when I told him Carly liked him. I guess he was good at acting. Just keep going.

"Yes, because I know you wouldn't want to hurt me. But you deserve Carly. She's what you've always wanted and I'm not gonna let you pass this opportunity!"

He sighed, watching me cry. He instantly wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tightly. I continued crying on his shoulder. Why did I have to be so weak? I hated this.

"I will tell you this one time. I love you." My heart stopped. I must've heard wrong. It was not possible he just said that. "I love you because even if you're the person I expected to end up with the least, I'd never take it back. And yes, you are a rude, obnoxious and abrasive girl, and let's face it, we fight every two minutes. But I love it and I'd never want to change it, for anything in the world. Not even Carly."

I pulled away and wiped some tears as his words tried to sink in. Freddie really loved me? Just as much as I loved him?

"Really?" I whispered.

He took my hand in his. "Really. There's no one else I'd rather be with right now."

Oh my Gosh. Carly was right. Carly was SO right. I couldn't even begin to describe how amazing I was feeling. I could've started happy dancing right there and then, but that was so sickeningly girly I passed.

"But I'm not right for you."

Freddie scoffed. "Yes, you are. You fix me and I fix you. You put excitement in my boring life and I put stability in your...crazy life. And you're the only girl who likes me for who I am."

"Carly does too."

"Will you stop worrying about Carly? She'll forget all about me as soon as some cute guy asks her out."

"But I still feel bad for her."

"I don't care, I'm never gonna break up with you. Alright? I never would've kissed you if I had the slightest bit of a crush on Carly. Trust me, Sam."

I couldn't not believe him. He was looking at me with those eyes...and that smile...

He leaned in to kiss me. I felt...whole. I felt like I really mattered to someone. I felt lighter. I felt right. I was in his arms, he was kissing me, his hands holding me like he was scared I was going to leave him. Wow, I was such an idiot. How could I even think of leaving him? He was where I was supposed to be.

I pulled away for just a second, to whisper something in his ear. "I love you too." When I leant in again, I could feel him smiling against my lips.

We kept kissing, over and over, sweetly and yet so passionately, until Carly's door slammed open.

"You guys!" she yelled, jumping up and down. I turned around, scared by her sudden outburst.

"What?" Freddie sounded really annoyed. She had interrupted our moment!

"Ryan just called me and asked me out!" Ryan was a really cute guy in our school who Carly used to drool about. She had initially given up after three weeks of trying to get his attention. "C'mon, Sam, you've gotta help me choose the dress!" Without even expecting my answer, she grabbed my wrist and dragged me into her house. I glanced at Freddie before she could close the door, smirking and shaking my head. He was laughing and waking at me.

Now, I was good.