Okay, so here is a story idea that I've come up with, I'm really going to put a lot of effort in it. I'll be the first one to admit I'm not the best writer in the world, but sometimes I have this urge to put my ideas onto paper. Expressing the pictures in my head, allow it to be processed with words, that's really what I'm going for. Anyway, I need to put a few comments in about Mai Hime, or at least the anime itself. This anime (as corny as it sounds) will always have a special place inside me, because it touches so many views of life, and each character has their own struggle point. And it has been mostly famous for it's shoujo-ai relationships. I know there's countless fanfics about Shiz-Nat, and I have to apologize for adding another to the many out there. The relationship in the series between them has too many real emotions to pass over, their situation is very deep, and the scars they each bare causes even more emotion. Soooo that is why I am writing this fan fiction, and really I do have fun writing. (This is my total high 3) This fic is going to mainly be in Shizuru's point of view. (Do not fear Natsuki fans! Our blue haired tough girl will of course make a great amount of appearances) Well, enough babbling. Enjoy.
Disclaimer: I do not own Mai Hime or any of the characters. (But oh I can dream)
Prologue– Thoughts of sin
What if I fell to the floor? Couldn't take this anymore... What would you do, do, do?
The tears began to come easily now, I could tell the strong mask I plaster so easily began to fade. It became painful to see her in my dreams now; it was almost too difficult to hang onto her. My dreams were my ultimate sanctuary; they produced my own fantasy world. Now.. After the war, she began to turn away. Her back constantly faced me. Betrayal.. The word is a common whisper in my ears. My mistakes are burned into my mind, so much that they began to infect my dreams, my sanctuary. Her face was no longer my deep lullaby. She was fading from me, the stream of smoke I constantly tried to grab. Betrayal.. Such a mundane word..
Kill. Break me down. Bury me, bury me...
I can't help but to blame myself. My mask hides my secret, shadows the truth. Oh, how I've yearned for it.. So deeply it sends knives through my chest. How many dreams have I had where I could finally feel her mutual touch. During the war... She placed her lips against mine, an attempt to pull me to my senses. Natsuki.. You brought me temporary joy. Graduation is done.. We are on our own. Those eyes of pity you gave me.. They are beginning to burn my dreams; you're destroying my very sanity. Natsuki... I have not seen you in so long. It pains me each day, but... I have to get you out of my head. You're haunting me.. Natsuki...
Leaving the lost
"Shizuru, what about this one? It's awfully heavy for someone who doesn't even have that much stuff," Tate-kun balanced an ordinary cardboard box on his knee, struggling with the box's weight. A small chuckle left my lips.
"That? Ara, those are my farewell gifts I received from a small group from the Academy. Set them in the living room please," I gave him a small smile.
"A small group? The president's popularity exceeds a "small group"," Reito, the ex-vice president had a box of his own. "And this one?" His eyes trailed down to the load he carried with much more ease than poor Tate.
"Ah, well go ahead and place that in the bathroom," I stared at him for a short minute or so. The sweat on his temples, his shirt that fitted around his body. All the girls at school had obsessive crushes on him; he received so many confession letters a day... And yet that rumor about him and myself, tsk. For an odd reason, I could never really find him all that attractive. I look at him like I do every other guy, really nothing too different from one another...
"Shizuru?" Tate-kun blinked at me a few times.
"I'm sorry?" Did he ask me something?
"I asked: 'Do you need us to carry in the last few boxes'." Tate-kun was very opposite of Reito I noticed. Even before the incident with Mai, I could see jealousy flicker in his eyes when it came to all the fan-girls chasing after the Vice president. I would suspect a lot of men were quite envious when it comes to Reito.
"No, it's all right. I think I can handle a few boxes, but I can't thank you both enough for your help." Gave them their rightful smile.
"It's our duty as part of the student council to make sure our President is situated in the comfort of her new home," Reito flashed me his polite grin. "Although.. I still can't see why you would pick all the way out here, more than an hour away from your old home, and of course Fuuka Academy. Not to mention some special friends you could miss.."
I caught my eyes narrowing slightly, a slipup nonetheless. Perhaps a small crack in my mask. I recovered with my usual smile.
"Now Reito-san! I love it out here, besides I need to focus on the family business," he continued to gaze at me. Those eyes... Did he notice my slight pain? He was like myself in some ways, very calm. But, he had poker eyes that hid his true thoughts; mine were windows into my own emotions.
We chatted for only but a few minutes, and then gave our goodbyes. They both love to reminisce about Fuuka Academy. Of course they do, they fully enjoyed their time there, as most students of the Academy did. Most... but not all...
I took a small tea break before starting on the last few boxes. I couldn't help but gaze around my apartment, losing focus on my task. The place itself was decent, the same as the area. But, Reito could be right. How will sleep at night knowing that when I wake up I'll be alone in existence? Knowing I won't get to see my friends.. Or her... I put my cup of tea down and made my way out the door for the few remaining boxes.
I made up my mind about moving long ago, quite shortly after graduation. Fuuka Academy was my prison of expectations and rejection. This is my version of breaking through my chains. If I place myself far away from there, then maybe the nightmares that consume my sleep will finally descend themselves away from me... I could finally get her out of my head, and make myself stronger than before. If I could just do that then possibly I could reach out for the strength I once had. My sanity in myself could finally return.
As I opened the door, my eyes immediately took notice of a Blue Ducati in my driveway. My expression softened as I noticed her leaning against my care, eyes closed beneath her helmet. She was in thought, how cute. I slowly approached her while she was in her mindless state, as I did so many times. So many times...
I stopped in my tracks suddenly, and cocked my head.
"Why, Natsuki, what an unexpected visit!" I clapped my hands together and put on that wonderful plaster smile. Her eyes opened and looked up to me. I could almost see the small blush of embarrassment under her helmet. Ah, how fun and rare.
"I had to ask Reito where you were," There was a small pause. I felt my expression soften ever so slightly. She asked around. She pressed her palms against her red helmet, and slipped it off gently over her head. Locks of dark blue hair floated down to her shoulders as she tucked in a few stranded and quite stubborn hairs. My eyes found their way quickly to the ground.
"You didn't even tell me you were moving," her voice sounded almost harsh, mixed in with a ting of pain. I cleared my throat. My mask began to crack.
"I never believed that I should bother the ever so busy Natsuki with such little news, I hardly consider it important."
"That's not true.." Her voice softened. Oh Natsuki, I don't need your pity. I don't need you to feel sorry for me at all. All I need is for my mind to cleanse itself. I need my thoughts clean of the sin that posses my dreams.
"I'm terribly sorry, but I have to finish my unloading," I could feel my eyes begin to burn slightly. Why does she have to make it even more painful than what it already is.. Can't she understand?
I picked up a box off my truck. My vision began to get blurry as I began to carry the heavy box. Natsuki stuttered.
"Do.. Do you need help with that?" I shook my head. And hobbled to my door. Natsuki.. You'll never really know.. How much...
The tears began to come, running through my mask, one small wave of grief. Despite everyone's opinion of my gracefulness, my foot then collided with the small step leading to my door. I landed with a huge thump and felt a pain on the side of my knee. The box's contents of movies and CD's flew every which way, and Natsuki began to have quite a tantrum.
"Are you all right? Shizuru? Try not to move it too much, here let me help you up," I gave a curse under my breath to any higher power that could have caused this. Natsuki slung my arm around her shoulder and helped me wobble in. A rare pink clouded my cheeks; they felt like they were on fire due to embarrassment of character. Yes, Fujino, amaze everyone with your grace and coordination! How ironic.
Natsuki placed a cold towel on the cut, and I began to notice how bad the side of my knee actually was. The bleeding was mild, but the bruising around the cut was what worried me. And Natsuki.
"Are you okay? That was.. A hard fall," Natsuki looked up with me with those eyes. Pity eyes. "And you're... you're crying..." Crying? I wasn't...
I placed a hand on the top of my cheek, and as soon as I did, I felt moisture. I slapped my hands together and brought them to my face.
"Natsuki, I'm fine. Really, I've taken more than a fall before," I mentally silenced myself. I could see the awkwardness in her eyes; I could feel the static in the air. The war of course. The war was much worse than a fall. In fact, I was practically killed and brought back, in the hands of this girl.
"Shizuru..." She brought her eyes to mine. Stop it Natsuki, you're making it too hard... Those are the eyes that bring me to my knees, which produce my weakness. On impulse, I answered her.
"Natsuki, the move was all my decision I had to get away from it all. I had to..." I looked away from her. I also noticed her hand clinched, slowly at first, then harder as I went on. "Natsuki, I can't keep being a bother to you anymore, so I moved away. It will give us both time to get... things off our minds, understand?" The blue haired girl bit her lip. Job well done Fujino, you knocked her off guard.
"What if.. I don't want it off my mind... I must not understand. Shizuru, moving miles away wont make you any farther from me, I will always be right here..." She grabbed for my hand, and gave it a small squeeze. "Always."
I was completely speechless, and this hardly ever happens. Natsuki picked up her helmet that was carelessly toppled to the floor, and steadily made her way to her bike.
My dreams were silenced that night.
Thoughts change
It's been forever since I talked to the damned woman. I tried calling her, ringing her doorbell, but she never answered nor gave any notice to me. It was like she was shut off completely from me, I started becoming restless at night, and bitchy during the day. Things would slip from my mouth, when it felt like I never said them. I began to realize... that I was attached to her. This shocks me to hell because in the war... Never mind that. It was the past, nothing else. Now she probably locks herself up with feelings of regret. I don't want to trouble her.. But I'm more than worried. It must have been showing through my day more, because that whore of a girl Nao spat comments at me frequently. To the point where I think she knows... But, she could just be spitting out random flukes, that's all.
Finally I brought up the nerve to ask the vice president, Reito, who I see so much these days with a squad of girls surrounding him. How stereotypical, it almost makes me sick. I casually asked him if he heard from her, and then his lips trembled with the news of her moving farther away. My eyes lowered to the ground. Moving away?
"She's in a small depression, Natsuki," he said to me. His voice lowered quite a bit, I almost had trouble hearing him. "She must be having nightmares, considering the circumstances. She's trying to embrace the sun, not caring how much she burns." His eyes were set on mine, and I realize that he is handsome, but oh so creepy. He thinks he knows it all with those eyes. "There's only one person that can save her, but that person is too busy with their own troubles. Think about it." He finished and ran off with his fan club. As he left he squeezed my hand gently. A person? Who? I'll break them into pieces, for hurting her. Unless of course he means... My head hurts when I think about the past these days. I think that's a higher power trying to tell me to forget the past, and to shut up about it. I looked down at my hand. He was such a sneak, because on the piece of paper I noticed an address. Shizuru...
I got a new Ducati from the people I was in contact with during the war. I rode it more and more these days, to get away from everyone. I can lose myself on that bike, and ride far away where nothing can touch me.. Or at least, until the loneliness infects me, like it once did. I did my usual drive, nothing to special, until I found myself on her new street... Standing in front of her house. Her car door was open, and I could see two or three boxes in the back. She did move after all.. I leaned against her car and shut my eyes. How could I approach her? I couldn't just ring the doorbell and say: "Well hi Shizuru, lovely day? I was just in the neighborhood. Yeah I know that it is an hour away, but well..." Yeah. Real convincing. I don't even get why I'm here. What do I expect? "Shizuru, I want you to move back. I know you just paid probably a assload of money for this place, but hey why don't you pay even more to come back so that I can feel you nearby..."
Psh, that's a load of bull, she'll never go for it.
"Why Natsuki, what an unexpected visit!" What the.. My eyes shot open and focused on her. Great. Just great. I wasn't prepared for her to walk in on me. I recovered myself, and said that I had to get through Reito to find out where she was. It didn't seem to phase her... I took off my helmet a little more.. Showy than what I usually did. Kuga, what the hell are you doing?
"You didn't even tell me you were moving," I could feel my voice crack, and I cursed myself for being so weak. She replied that she didn't believe it was important news. How could she say that?
"That's not true..." Was that a whimper? How pathetic of me. I looked at her for a moment, held her eyes with mine. Can't you see? Understand? I need you...
She told me she had to finish unloading, motioning over to her opened car. She started to carry a heavy box with not as much gracefulness as you would think, coming from her. I offered her help, but she declined. Stubborn. I was about to help her anyway, but then she tripped over the step crying out as she landed on the side of her knee. I dropped my helmet down and tried to help her up. I noticed the tears in her eyes... then the blood on her leg. I took her inside over my shoulder, and sat her down. I quickly got the nearest towel and soaked it in cool water. Her tears were flowing much more steadily now.. I asked her if she was all right... and thought out-loud that she was crying. She noticed it herself, and tried to cover it.
"Natsuki, I'm fine. Really, I've taken more than a fall before," she said bringing her eyes to mine. Was she referring to..? The awkwardness in the air was heavy it droned on both of us.
"Shizuru..." I mumbled silently. I had to make an attempt to show her what I was feeling, but she spoke before I could.
"Natsuki, the move was all my decision I had to get away from it all. I had to ...Natsuki; I can't keep being a bother to you anymore, so I moved away. It will give us both time to get... things off our minds, understand?" I clenched my fists. She wants me off her mind? Fine. I bit my lip. I pray that the next words out of my mouth won't sound too harsh...
"What if.. I don't want it off my mind... I must not understand. Shizuru, moving miles away wont make you any farther from me, I will always be right here..." I grabbed her hand and squeezed it. Can't you see? "Always."
It's childish, but I left her with my dialogue in the air. She wants to forget me? Good luck trying. If you really did love me you wouldn't give up so easily, Shizuru. Keh, Shizuru you're blinder than ever.
I grabbed my helmet from the floor, and on my way out I couldn't help but notice a stray T.A.T.U CD that fell out of the box Shizuru dropped. How ironic. I couldn't help but crush it on the way to my blue Ducati.
All this black and cruel despair
This is an emergency
Don't you hide your eyes from me
Open them and see me now
Can you see me now?
Can you see me now?
Can you see?
Can you see?
See me here in the air
Not holding on to anywhere
But holding on so beware
I have secrets I won't share
See me here pushing you
If I then deny I do
Contemplate or wish away
If I ask you not to stay
Clowns that only let you know
Where you let your senses go
Clowns all around you
It's a cross I need to bear
All this black and cruel despair
This is an emergency
Don't you hide your eyes from me
Open them and see me now
Can you see me now?
Can you see me now?
Can you see?
Can you see?
All right, so that was chapter one, I hope it's not too short, I tried to bring it out some -- Now lyrics in the prologue are from the song "Kill" by 30 seconds to mars. Then the ending lyrics are from "Clowns (Can you see me now)" By T.A.T.U Please do comment and any suggestions are greatly appreciated. You can also e-mail me at: Even if you just want to rant about me, or life, or whatever, I'm always open. Chapter two may take a while to put up, my birthday is coming up July 3 and I'm spending it with my girlfriend and a few friends. When I get back though I will most definitely work on this. Thanks so much! Don't forget to comment!
.:Tsukaru:.