Author's note: This is one favorite comics by Jhonen, I hope I did it justice.
**M**
How should I start this story? Hmm, you see what you're about to read is pretty much a regular day for me so don't freak out or anything. Ho, that would be funny if you read this and then didn't sleep for days because of how scared it made you. That's just how pathetic you all are. You'll believe anything you read. How sad. Anyway back to my story. It all started about two days ago. I was waking through town heading towards my favorite gas station to get a cherry slurpy. That day I decided to go a different way then usual, mostly because there was an evil dog watching me walk. I swear to . . . something it was watching me walk.
So going this different way, I happened to pass in front of a café. It seemed safe so I stalked past it. My boots making a soft thudding sound on the concrete, my trench coat flapping in the wind, and my blue antenna like hair waving in the wind. Now I was all for just walking past and ignoring the place, but then I heard a rather snarky comment mumbled under somebodies breath. I looked over and saw the only person sitting outside. A Mexican, with short orange hair and a rather pointy, and long nose. I couldn't hear what he said but I knew it wasn't something good.
It was already pretty late, so I just waited in an alley across the street from the café and waited until he got up and started walking away. Thankfully he was walking toward my house so all I had to do was follow. I waited until we were about a block away from my house when I grabbed the blade from inside of my trench coat and knocked him over the head with the handle. I then grabbed his lifeless body and dragged him to my house and tied him up in one of my favorite creations.
You see, you tie them up inside this device that resembles a 17th century stretching device, only it crushed not stretched. I sat and waited for him to wake up. Then around 2 in the morning he started to moan and woke up. He looked around with wide eyes and started to scream for help. I guess he didn't see me, cause he just kept screaming. "Scream all you want, no one can here you. These walls are sound proof." I said standing up and walking into the light. I watched his eyes grow even wider. I smiled at his fear and took a deep breath, keeping this moment.
"Johnny?" He asked in a strange voice, that sounded oddly familiar. "How do you know my name. DID THEY SEND YOU!!??" I yelled looking around for Mr. F and Psycho Dough Boy. They were nowhere to be seen so I was safe, for now. "What? No one sent me. But I think I know you." He said looking me over again. "YOU THINK YOU KNOW ME!! I DON"T EVEN KNOW ME!" I yelled waving my knife in the air. "Yes, Johnny, I know you. I created you. My name is Jhonen Vasquez, I made you. You're a comic book character." He said looking around the room he was in. "What are you babbling about, you're crazy." I said quietly looking around the room too. "Wait if you created me, then what is my last name?" I asked crossing my arms. "What?" He asked looking back at me. "If you can guess my last name, you get to live.. Simple, easy." I explained with a coy little smile on my face.
Jhonen hung there tied to the machine, thinking then he looked at me, "Your last name is C." I laughed and started to pull one of levers crushing his left arm with two bricks. "I thought that if I guessed your last name, you'd let me go?" He asked in agony. "I did, but you answered wrong." I replied with a little laugh. "Now before you lose the use of any other body parts, answer me this. What is it that you were mumbling about me when I walked past you last night?" I asked as I watched his left arm fall limp to his side. "I was saying how you looked familiar." He explained as he gasped in pain. "Oh, Okay next guess." I said after a few seconds of thoughts.
I hate wasting time, but when killing another human being, I guess it comes with the job. "Johnny!" I voice called from upstairs. I instantly recognized it as Mr. F's. So I set down my knife on the rusty cart that was a few feet away from Jhonen, then climbed up the stairs and into the living room where Mr. F, and Psycho Dough Boy were waiting for me. "JOHNNY, YOU PATHETIC PIECE OF CRAP, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING DOWN THERE?" Psycho Dough boy yelled as I appeared in the doorway. "Taking care of a quest." I answered as Nail bunny floated into the room. "Johnny, I thought we agreed no more killing people, only ourselves?" Mr., F asked in a gentle voice. "No, Johnny, you don't want to die, you want to rid the world of the piece of craps out there, who judge without knowing, who don't deserve to life." Nail Bunny said floating next to my head. "No, no Johnny, you must kill everyone, starting with your self." Psycho Dough Boy tried reasoning. "No Johnny, get your ass back down there and finish him off." Mr. F said as I smiled and headed back downstairs.
Jhonen looked like he was about to piss himself, so I walked over and smiled coyly. "So, Mr, Vasquez, have you figured out my last name?" I asked holding onto another lever that would crush his right leg if I pulled it. "It's CID." He cried. "Nope." I sighed pulling the lever and laughed at the sickening crunch of bones and his leg was crushed. "Whoops sorry." I laughed then grabbed onto the lever that went to his right arm. "Try again." I laughed at tears' fell down Jhonen's face. "This is worst then that time the toilet took pictures of my while I went pee." He groaned as blood flowed from his mouth, like a deep crimson snake.
"So, any other guesses?" I asked grabbing the next lever. "Please, Johnny. Just let me live. I've never done anything to you, or anyone else!" He screamed and pleaded as I pulled the lever which crushed his left leg. "That leaves you one more guess, before I pull this last lever and boom. There goes your head." I sighed. Jhonen squirmed uncomfortably while trying to hold in the screams that were bottling up inside, just waiting for the chance to escape. Tears ran down his face and I watched in amusement, as he realized that this was it. He was going to die.
"One last choice, hurry up. I still want my cherry slurpy." I sighed leaning against the machine. "Okay, Okay. Your last name is . . . CAVANUGH!" Jhonen screamed closing his eyes and sobbing. "How is it spelled?" I asked pointing at him. "C..A..V..A..N..U..G..H!" He screamed thrashing his head around. "WRONG!" I screamed back pulling the lever. I watched as the two bricks smashed down on his skull crushing it. 'Oh shit, that is my last name . . . Oh well. NAIL BUNNY, LETS GO GET SOME CHERRY SLURPS!!!" I screamed as I pounded upstairs and grabbed my trench coat and walked out.........................................................................................
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–The End???????