Here we go again, my lovelies! Time for the OpENING NOTES!
First of all, welcome. There are only a few things I need to point out to cover my butt.
1) This STORY is rated 'M' for stuff that people under 'M' shouldn't be reading. There will be quite a bit of violence, some strong language in here somewhere, but I do try to keep it within the guidelines.
2) I don't own, nor do I claim to own, anything belonging to Stephenie Meyer or her creations. The only characters I claim to own are the ones you don't recognize from anything. They're just characters, though, and don't represent any actual people.
3) This is a continuation of my previous story, Beneath the Twilight. I highly recommend reading that first (and maybe reviewing it a little? :D) before reading this one, or I swear you'll be pretty lost.
ANYHOO!
That's it I suppose. Butt sufficiently covered.
Onward!
Chapter One
Today was going to suck.
It was something I just knew.
It's an indescribable feeling, turning another year older when the last year of your life was so hard. It was silly to think it, but the last year of my life felt, to me, like it had been out to get me. Hell, even the last few months were exhausting to think about. I sat here, completely bruise-free for the first time since I could remember, but I could still clearly recall that sickening pain.
Turning the page, leaving that all behind was an odd, sort of disorienting feeling.
Moving forward no matter how much I just wanted to stay where I was for a moment longer, to prepare myself for whatever might come next, was the hardest part. I couldn't stay, though.
Time moved on whether I was ready for it to or not, and it'd drag me with it. Sometimes I wished time would just stop. I wished it would just pause long enough for me to get some sort of grip on myself before continuing on. I wished it would wait for me to be ready, before taking me onward.
It seemed like just yesterday, I was turning seven. Or eight. Before I could turn around, two or three years had passed. I remembered specifically the day I had turned nine. It was so fresh in my mind.
Now I was turning ten, and though my living situation was so much better than it ever had been before, I wasn't any more ready to get older than I had been back then. I was getting older, but I wasn't ready to.
It wasn't like I didn't ever want to get older. I was grateful just to have the chance to. I just wanted to breathe for a second. Maybe it was everything I'd lost in my younger years. Maybe I just wanted to try again, to have the childhood everyone else got before I was too old to. I just wanted to catch up.
Since I came to the Cullens to stay, I felt like I was having to learn everything all over again. In many ways I felt stupid, or depressingly ill-equipped to handle things the way they should be handled. I was getting a better idea of what kind of work it would take to fix everything Jack had done.
I didn't have the same reactions to things other kids did. I didn't understand a lot, and I still fought with myself to get over the things I'd learned in my life before. I wasn't normal. I knew that as well as anyone. I was just the only one that would ever admit it out loud.
Sitting upright in my bed, I watched the rain trailing slowly down the glass of the window.
I hated my birthday. July 14th, the day I turned ten. It was so weird to think that ten years ago today was the day my mom and dad's lives had changed for the worse.
I was told that I had survived more in my ten years than most people did in their whole lives. I didn't like being told that, because it didn't feel like that to me. It didn't feel like I'd even accomplished anything other than living. Not dying? Yeah, I'd accomplished that.
I bitterly turned my eyes down. Focusing only on the wrinkles in my blanket.
I felt lucky to be alive, it was true, and incredibly lucky to have gotten away from that life, but I didn't feel like other people's problems weren't as severe as mine were. To play it down like that felt like a really mean thing to do.
How much my life could change in less than a year was dizzying to think about. Especially since my last birthday.
My ninth birthday had been spent in agony, and it was still quite painful to think about. There were memories of that day I was determined to die with. Ones I couldn't even think about head-on for longer than it took to realize that's where my thoughts were headed, which probably saved me from a lot of talks with Carlisle.
It rained on that birthday too, and the sound of the rain hitting the glass had been oddly soothing to me. It was a pleasant replacement for the words Jack, my stepfather, had growled to me.
The almost loud tapping against the glass and roof sometimes managed to drown out how I felt. Like it was trying to comfort me, only it couldn't reach me. I'd spent a lot of my life with that feeling, but it was harder to ignore that day.
What Jack told me that day, and every day afterward, still echoed in my mind, which had been the biggest focus of the talks I did have Carlisle. I found it easier to talk about the words than it would have been to talk about the actions.
It was just as painful as the rest of it, but it was involuntary to remember them. All Jack would tell me still hurt me, and it still managed to scare me. How surprised he was that I'd made it to see my ninth birthday, and how maybe, he'd change that before my tenth. How I was lucky just to be breathing anymore. How he had no problems killing me. Not with how worthless I was. Not with how useless I was.
Sniffling, I wiped tears from my cheeks as I remembered how close Jack had come to doing just that just a few months ago. It was one of the worst memories I had in me.
I was fine now, but that wasn't the case a few months ago. Technically, I'd died twice before they could bring me back. Apparently, a gunshot wound did a lot more damage to a small kid, than it would do to an adult.
According to Carlisle, after I'd asked about it enough times, he told me I'd lost about three pints of the eight pints of blood in my body. I'd lost it so quickly, and had gone into something called hypovolemic shock. It was what happened when someone lost too much blood too quickly, and the heart can't properly send the blood that's left where it needs to go. Like it's confused.
It was an incredibly dangerous thing to happen to anyone, more so for someone my size, and it made the entire situation very serious. It happened very quickly, too quickly to catch or stop. Meaning, if I hadn't been given the blood when I was, or if the blood loss hadn't been slowed the way Carlisle slowed it right when he did, I would have died. A few seconds later, and I wouldn't have made it.
I owed him my life in more ways than one. He knew just what to do and exactly when to do it. My biological father had been a terrified mess, but Carlisle's calm had been enough to keep me holding on.
It still hurt to think about, but I couldn't help it.
I'd always been a very timid little thing. Having learned to be that way thanks to the way Jack had treated me, but what he'd done that day had solidified that. I was just fine around my family, but without them, I was the opposite of okay.
I'd worked on it, yeah. I'd been working hard to change the way I was, but every single time I seemed to make any kind of progress, I fought it.
Around strangers, I refused to speak much. Even around those I knew, it was difficult to make myself speak. Around anyone else but my family, I was distrusting and extremely timid. Borderline mean. Always expecting something to go wrong. I was jumpy, and shaky.
School was tricky.
I'd been given the go-ahead to start school again in May, to finish what was left of my fourth grade year. I would have loved to have waited until after summer break to go back, but apparently, it was important. I wanted to avoid arguing, so I gave in.
The school I forced myself to go to wasn't that much fun. I hadn't tried to make friends yet, far too withdrawn. I hated every second I was there. Getting me to go at all at first took a lot of assurances, but at least I hadn't found anyone mean there yet.
It was hard for me to concentrate in school, which reflected in my grades for my four-ish weeks there before the summer break. I wasn't learning the way I should have been. I tried hard, but it wasn't something I could control. I wasn't stupid, but I wasn't learning the things they tried to teach me. At least, not in school.
Before the school year ended, Esme had started going over schoolwork with me at home, and I picked it up just fine with her. Proving I wasn't stupid. I knew it was a problem, because I also knew that I wouldn't be with them forever.
I still avoided thinking about that.
It was true. I did have my share of problems, and just because Jack was supposedly gone now didn't change me or how I was. Mainly because I didn't expect him to stay away. Jack had promised that it wasn't over, and I had no choice but to believe his promises. If there was one thing about Jack, it was that he always kept his promises. I was living proof of that.
Though it had only been almost two months since I'd last seen Jack, I'd believed this whole time that I'd be seeing him soon enough. I would continue believing it, but continuing to believe it was exactly what was messing me up now. I knew I'd never be safe, no matter how many vampires protected me.
Though I knew about what they were, I'd never seen anything besides the basics that made me question whether or not they were human. To me, the Cullens were more human than any humans I'd ever known. I'd never once in my life known anyone that made me feel human myself, until I met Alice that day.
Up until that day, I'd been treated like nothing. Someone's beer-bringer, or someone's punching bag. I'd been looked at like I was dirt, I'd been talked to like I was a dog. Up until I met the Cullens, I'd never known anything other than pain in every form. I had no trust, and I believed that it was better that way.
No. The Cullens were the human ones. Everyone else was disgusting. I'd seen the worst of humanity, mainly all encased in one man, and I'd believed every man was like that. Until I met Carlisle, and I first felt what it was like to hope.
Shaking my head a little, I opened my eyes again as a handful of more tears fell from my eyes, realizing that a quiet knock at the door had shaken me from my thoughts. My mood had steadily dropped the entire week, the closer it came to Friday. The closer it came to my birthday. Emmett had done all he could to fix that, but nothing worked.
I hated my birthday, and it'd take more than just one going right to fix that.
I glanced over as Carlisle stepped into the room, taking in my tired eyes and insecure position. Curled upright in the center of the bed, my knees beneath my chin. I sniffled, looking up at him as he made his way over to me. He sat on the side of the bed and sighed.
After the close call a few months back, Carlisle and I had grown closer. I went to him for absolutely everything. He saw I was struggling. I wasn't dealing well with my brush with death, and he understood how hard it was for me. He knew. That was all I needed.
Carlisle knew me better than anyone else on the planet. Sometimes it was like he knew my moods better than Jasper did. Or even I did. He saw my mood swings, or sleepless nights coming when Alice didn't. He knew when I was getting overwhelmed, and he knew when I was okay. He knew when everything was just becoming too much, he knew when I wanted to be alone, and he knew when I needed company. He knew when it was best to avoid certain subjects, and he knew when it was alright.
It puzzled me how he knew, but I never asked. I didn't mind. It was nice not having to explain that I just wanted to punch something at any particular moment, or curl into a tiny ball and cry. He already knew.
"Do I have to have a party today?" I asked quietly, pleading with my eyes.
"I know you don't want to." Carlisle said quietly, setting a small wrapped gift to the side, "But I think it will be good for you to get your mind off of things."
"I hate my birthday." I mumbled, resting my chin back on my knees. "I wish I could just forget it. I wish it never happened."
"I know." He replied gently, "But you know, it might be good to begin making some new birthday memories. Good ones to look back on, instead of the bad."
I couldn't argue with that one. He was right. He was always right.
I looked down, and climbed off the bed. I realized that the best way I could get through this day, was taking one step at a time. Just like any other day, but just the thought of anyone coming over made it hard to leave my room.
Carlisle stood up as well, leading me from my room.
"I insisted that Alice keep it small." He told me as we headed up the hall. "I thought you could do without a large group today."
"Thank you." I murmured gratefully. We rounded the corner into the living room, and I looked around at the subtle decorations. Pink and white streamers along the walls, and a few tables. Pink and white balloons scattered around. I smiled a little as Alice came to stand beside me. It wasn't too over-the-top like I'd feared.
I just saw no reason to celebrate the fact that I hadn't died in the last year. Permanently, anyway.
"What, no petting zoo?" I asked quietly. She smiled at me, seeming to appreciate my choice of attempted humor.
"Your father and his family will be here around noon." She told me. "We're not really expecting anyone else." I nodded, looking down. I didn't know that many other people. Not enough to invite here. I knew if she'd had her way, she'd have invited my entire class at school, but Carlisle probably stopped that.
I hadn't seen my dad since he went home with his family. I'd talked to him a few times on the phone, but I hadn't seen him. It had only been a few months ago, but I was still a little excited to see him. To show him I really was okay now. Physically, at least. I could just do without Lily or Rachel arriving as well, but I knew they were a package deal. I'd just have to ignore the other two.
I still didn't know how I felt about Lily.
Alice grinned sweetly, "Are you sure you won't wear the dress I picked-"
"No." I replied immediately. "I don't like them, Alice. I don't care what else I have to wear. I'll even wear pink stuff if you want. Just no dresses."
"Stop trying to dress shorty like a girl." Emmett plopped a party hat onto my head from out of nowhere, and I looked up at him.
"She is a girl, Emmett." Alice laughed, and I couldn't help smiling a little too.
"She's the biggest tom-boy on the planet." Emmett pointed out, "Can you imagine shorty running around the way she does in a dress?"
"I'd rather be trampled by horses." I muttered, and Emmett gestured to me pointedly.
"It just doesn't make sense." He added.
"No," Alice laughed a sigh, "I guess not."
"She is who she is." He finished with a smile, sitting on the couch we stood beside, "The world won't implode because she doesn't like dresses." I was grateful for Emmett's intervention. He never failed to stick up for me whenever it was needed.
I'd also gotten a little more attached to Emmett over the last few weeks. His bubbly personality wasn't overwhelming like Alice's sometimes was, and I also found his sense of humor was something I responded to in a different way. It was contagious.
I was dressed before my dad and his family showed up. My normal jeans-and-a-tshirt outfit. I still hated dresses with a fiery, blazing passion, so it was a rare occasion to ever find me in one. It made me uncomfortable, so I chose to wear jeans instead. I, at least, let Alice fix my hair. That, I could deal with. Dresses, however, no way.
She'd pulled my hair back out of my face, but it was nothing extravagant.
My dad walked in just before eleven that morning, and I couldn't help the smile. He looked to me, and the worry he'd obviously felt since we parted eased. I stepped over and hugged him. He laughed a little as he lifted me to hug me easier.
"Hi, dad." I greeted quietly. As complicated and strained as our relationship was, I really wasn't sure what I was supposed to call him. I'd eventually settled on his 'technical' title, despite how it really didn't feel official. I had my issues with it, but it would have been too weird to call him by his name.
"Hey, kiddo." He replied, "How are you feeling?"
"I told you." I mumbled, pulling back to look at him. "I'm fine now."
"I wasn't talking about physically, Leandra." He clarified. "Though I am relieved to hear that. I know you've been having a hard time." I turned, looking to Carlisle. "He didn't tell me, Leandra. I just had a feeling."
"I'm fine." I sighed, letting myself drop to my feet. Giving Rachel a nervous glance.
"Shorty.." Emmett challenged. I sighed.
"Alright." I allowed. "When I said I'm fine, I meant I'll be fine."
He sighed, but smiled a little. We stepped aside as Rachel and Lily stepped inside behind him.
Rachel smiled. "Happy birthday, sweetheart." I cringed, hating that phrase.
Lily was still five, but she'd grown a bit since I first saw her at the hospital. She'd be turning six soon. An age that made me even more unsure about her.
I watched her as she looked around the living room curiously, being careful not to touch anything. I had no idea why I was so fascinated with her. Maybe it was jealousy.
Maybe it was the fact that she'd gotten to grow up happily, without knowing how painful growing up could be. Overnight. She's gotten to grow up without one beating, or without one threat against her life. How easy she had it, and she didn't even know it.
"Leandra." My dad called my attention again, and I looked to him. "You know, you can talk to her." Embarrassed that I was caught looking at her, I clammed up. Shaking my head, I sat down with a blush.
"It's okay." Lily said, coming over and flopping down next to me. "You can ask me stuff. I don't care." She looked to me, waiting for a response. I didn't know what to say, so I stayed quiet. "Yoo-hoo?" I frowned, not appreciating her tone.
"Don't pressure her, sweetheart." Rachel said. "She's probably shy."
"She's a little more than that." Emmett explained quietly. "Come here, shorty." I instantly stood, and made my way to him. He embraced me, and I sighed gratefully, letting him pull me into his side. He knew. I didn't get along that well with other kids, but I already knew I'd be less likely to get along with Lily.
My dad's eyes grew concerned then, looking to Carlisle.
"There are some lasting emotional effects from what happened." Carlisle explained. "We're trying to work her through it, and she has gotten better, but it's a slow process."
"What does that mean?" Lily asked, frowning. "Is she stupid?"
"Lily." Rachel scolded instantly, appalled.
That question pissed me off, surprisingly.
"No." I snapped, "I'm not stupid."
"You must be, if you forgot how to talk."
"I didn't forget how. I just didn't want to." I defended myself.
"Well, why not?" She asked, standing. "I'm shy too, but I try to talk to you."
"You wouldn't get it." I mumbled, turning back to Emmett.
My dad sighed. "That was highly uncalled for, Lily."
"What?" She asked. "I wanna know."
"It was very rude." My dad told her. "Apologize."
"Why doesn't she want to live with us?" Lily asked instead. "I still don't get it."
"Lily, not here. Please." Rachel sighed, shaking her head.
"Our house is just as good as this one." She continued, looking to me, "We must not be good enough because we don't have as much money."
"Lilith Marie." Rachel scolded, harsher than the last one.
"That's what Uncle Richard said!"
"You think I live here because of money?" I demanded over at her.
"Well, isn't it the reason?" She demanded back at me, narrowing her eyes. "We're not good enough to live with, because daddy doesn't make as much money."
"Shut up." I snapped at her. "You don't know what you're talking about."
"Well," My dad said, trying to ease the tension, "At least they're acting like sisters this time."
I turned, "Keep that little brat away from me." Striding over to the chair across from the couch, I sat heavily. Carlisle to my left sighed. She'd gotten too close to me for my comfort.
"Why?" She barked from the couch. "Because you know I'm right?"
"No, because you're fucking stupid."
"Leandra." Esme corrected me quietly, and I looked down.
"I'm not fucking stupid." Lily replied. "You're fucking stupid."
"Goodness, Lily!" Rachel instantly scolded, cringing visibly and clearly unhappy about the language she used. Lily looked up at her incredulously.
"She said it!" She gasped, outraged. "Why didn't she get yelled at?"
"Because I'm older than you, stupid." I replied, "And I did. I got in trouble for saying it, too."
"Not as much as I did." She countered, narrowing her eyes again. "That's not fair!"
"Oh, the injustice of it all." My dad sighed, frustrated. He lifted Lily up, sitting down and holding her on his lap. Lily pouted and looked away, crossing her arms over her chest. "Are you two finished?"
I sat back, slouching in the chair with a sigh, looking away as well. I'd won that argument.
"That wasn't very nice, shorty." Emmett chuckled from the side.
"Oh well." I said nonchalantly.
"She's only mean because she has no friends." Lily piped up again. She was quickly starting to remind me of Rachel, the girl I fought with the day I first met Carlisle.
"You shut up." I barked, sitting upright. "I swear, Lily-"
"You can't do anything." She sneered. I stood up, and she instantly cringed.
"That's what I thought." I growled, sitting back down.
"It's true, though. Or else they'd be here instead of just us." She was focused on my dad's hand in her own, and I darted up again, fully intending to walk over and slap her upside the head. My hand was even ready.
"No you don't, shorty."
Before I could get more than two steps, Emmett caught me. He lifted me, holding me back by lifting me off my feet, both of his arms around my stomach. I kicked once, mostly in protest.
"Okay, you two." My dad groaned. "Lily, stop antagonizing her."
"What's that?" She asked in turn.
"Stop teasing her." He clarified. "And Leandra, calm down. She's five." Was that really supposed to mean something to me?
"I don't care." I grumbled. "I wasn't going around saying that shit when I was five." I grunted as Emmett shook me a little, correcting me. "That crap. Sorry."
"Lily, apologize to Leandra." Rachel sighed from the side, taking Lily from my dad.
"No." Lily grumbled.
"Lily-"
"No." She said. "It bugs me how she wants to stay here. Why won't she come home with us?"
"Why would I want to, you little bi-" I cut off with another grunt at another light correcting shake from Emmett. Darn. He'd caught that one. I had a feeling, though, that we were seeing one of the reasons why it was a very good thing I hadn't let my dad take me in a few months back.
A knock at the door had Lily and I look toward it curiously. Ceasing our arguing for the time being. I couldn't really see anything from where I was, but I was confused. Hadn't Alice said that it would only be my dad and his family here today?
"Oh boy." Emmett muttered behind me, setting me on my feet. I straightened my shirt, huffing a little up at him. It puzzled me how he'd put me down so soon after I'd tried to hit my little sister.
Carlisle left to answer the door.
"Maybe it's better if she stays here." Lily finally muttered, regaining my attention.
"It definitely is." I snapped in return, and Rosalie sighed. Giving away her presense finally.
"Leandra, just stop." She told me firmly, and I immediately took her advice.
Rosalie was someone I really had a hard time reading. She wasn't exactly mean, but I knew she could get that way fast. Like Jasper, she was just someone I automatically respected. She never bossed me around, so whenever she did tell me to do something, or to stop doing something, I listened.
Esme lightly took my hand, and pulled me over to her. I allowed it, now distracted as Carlisle returned. It wasn't him that had my attention, though. Who followed him in took me off guard. Someone I hadn't seen in months. Her eyes looked around, searching the room until they landed on me.
My dad stood up from his place on the couch, instantly focused on her as well.
"Gina." My dad seemed to be as unprepared as I was. "Well, this.. Certainly.. This is a surprise." She finally looked away from me, looking to him now. I was frozen, staring at her. At first, I didn't know what to do. When I could, I took a small, uncertain step back, suddenly feeling cornered.
"Hi, Chris." My mom replied quietly. "I wasn't even sure I was going to come. I'm sorry for just showing up."
"Not at all." Carlisle told her, looking to me. Her eyes followed his, along with everyone else's. I still wasn't doing much better. Still too shocked to think straight. She offered me a small smile, but I couldn't return it.
"This just got a bit awkward." My dad chuckled, trying to lighten the mood again. Esme lightly smoothed my back, and I glanced up at her. Trying to control my reaction.
Oddly, I felt like I couldn't breathe.
In that house, in my old life, she had been there too. I'd worked hard the last two months trying to fight those memories back. I'd been doing everything I could to pretend that it had all been a very bad nightmare.
Standing across the room was a solid reminder that it had all been real. I felt sick at just the sight of her. I could still smell the alcohol, just by seeing her face.
"Leandra." My mom laughed a little. "You've grown so much." I couldn't reply even if I wanted to. My silence seemed to only encourage her, however. She took a small step toward me, and I countered. Taking a step back.
I couldn't.
Now unfrozen, I shook my head and turned. Leaving the room. This was not expected, and definitely not okay. Not alright, and I sure as hell didn't forgive her.
"Gina," I listened to Carlisle call, "Let me speak to her."
That was probably a very good idea. Even if I didn't want to talk to anyone, I wouldn't handle her continued attempts very well. I stormed up the hall, and into my room, slamming the door behind me.
Before it closed, however, Carlisle caught it, stepping in after me.
"Leandra, I know you're upset-"
"Upset?" I asked, spinning to look at him. "Why would I be upset?" Instantly, I corrected my tone. I wasn't mad at him. I looked down and I sat down heavily on the side of my bed. "I didn't even want to have a stupid party. I just wanted to be left alone today. Doesn't anyone get that? I hate my birthday, and I hate my mom even more."
"Don't say that." He replied gently.
"It's true." I mumbled, looking down at my hands. "I can't stand her."
"She's your mother."
"No she's not." I countered. "I don't care if I'm related to her or not. She never once acted like a mom. Why should I act like she's a mom? Why would she even be here? Better yet, why would she even think it's okay to be here?" I paused, taking a few breaths. "I didn't want to see her. She's not supposed to be here. She's supposed to be in Seattle. Away from me."
She was supposed to be in Seattle, getting help for her drinking problem. That's where she'd been the entire time I was here. That's where I refused to visit her. It had been too easy to ignore her while she was there.
"Just breathe, Leandra." He told me, closing the door. "All we're asking is to just give her a chance."
"A chance?" I scoffed. "Why would I do that?"
"She's been doing so well in her treatment." He said quietly. "She's trying so hard."
"I don't care." I mumbled. "She doesn't deserve a chance. I gave her all my life of chances, and she messed up every single one of them." I lifted my pillow to me, setting it in my lap and looking down at it as I hugged it. "She's the worst mom in the world."
"Now that, I don't believe." He said. "Leandra, people make mistakes. I'm, in no way condoning her past habits, but sometimes people don't realize how badly their choices hurt others. And sometimes, they need to see for themselves the consequences of those choices before they realize that they need to change." I glanced up at him. "She cares about you. I know that for a fact."
I felt my lower lip tremble in emotion, so I bit it and looked back down.
"She never realized before, despite how often you told her, that her choices were hurting you." He sighed, crossing the room and sitting beside me.
"But you weren't there." I argued again. "You don't know how many times I tried to beg her to pay attention, and she never did. She never even tried. She could have stopped it. Don't you get it? Everything could have been different if she just.. Woke up. I was beaten so bad because of her choices, and then she just ignored me through everything. How can she just ask for another chance?"
"Leandra, something you need to understand, is that this is only temporary." He murmured gently, and I slouched, burying my face in my pillow. "When she gets through her treatment, she's going to apply to get custody returned to her, and if the court decides she's fit, it'll be granted."
"I know." I mumbled, keeping my face buried. "You've told me before."
"Knowing and understanding are two different matters." He murmured. "Do you understand what that means?" I was quiet, so he continued. "What that means is if she is granted custody of you, you'll be leaving here to live with her again. She'll be responsible for you again. And this time, there will be no taking you back, unless they decide to give you back to us, or she does what your father did, and relinquish her rights to you."
"I know." I sighed. "I get that part, but.. Carlisle, I don't want to go back to her. It's too late for her to start acting like she cares about me. I want to stay here. If I go back to her, I'll be right back where I started."
"No, you won't." He said. "The court will make sure that there is no chance of that happening again before making any decisions, and it's highly doubtful that she'll fall back into her old ways. Not with how badly she's hurting over this."
"I don't trust the court." I admitted, shaking my head. "I don't trust her. I only trust you."
"I understand your hesitation. I do." He said quietly, standing with a sigh. "You aren't going anywhere tonight. That much I can promise you. All I'm asking of you is to try. Can you do that?" I sighed also, thinking. I patted the pillow a bit more. "I know you don't understand why I'm asking this of you, and I know this isn't easy for you, but please. Just trust me."
I hated that I had to hesitate. I did trust him. It was her I didn't trust. Not in the least bit.
"But it's not fair." I argued anyway. "Why should I-"
"Please?" He insisted. He held his hand out, and I sighed heavily before setting the pillow to the side. Standing, I took his hand without more argument. "Thank you."
We headed back out, and I watched her turn to me from where she stood talking with Esme. I met her gaze again, and my first impression was surprise. I was surprised that she was able to hold my gaze without looking away, or closing her eyes. It was strange to see her upright. Without a beer in her hand, or shuffling back to the couch to pass out again.
I had to admit, she really did look one hundred percent better. Her hair had grown out, longer than I remembered it being. It was somewhat done up, pulled from her face. My mother was really a pretty woman. She looked so much better than what I remembered of her. Make-up done, and a pretty white sweater on.
"Leandra." She said quietly, taking a few steps forward. I whimpered and cringed, looking up at Carlisle. He returned my gaze, telling me that it was okay. Everything was fine for right then. He patted my shoulder and nudged me forward.
"Look at you." My mother laughed, sadness and tears in her eyes. Her voice was clearer than I remembered it. It wasn't weighed down by the alcohol. I took a step back as she went to hug me. I took another few steps back, taking Carlisle's hand again. That's what I usually did these days when I was faced with a stranger.
I felt everyone's eyes on me, waiting for my turn to speak. It wouldn't come. Not without a whole lot of effort. I glared over at Alice briefly, but she really seemed as surprised as I was at the fact that she was here.
"Leandra." My mom murmured gently. "It's okay, honey." I shook my head, knowing everyone was watching me. I didn't know this person. She looked mildly familiar, but I didn't know her.
"Gina, maybe you should give her a moment." Esme suggested quietly. "She's been through a lot."
"Of course." My mom said, nodding, "I'm sorry. It's just.. It feels like so long since I've seen her."
Wrong answer. That only served to piss me off further, and made me less inclined to go to her. I tensed in response, and I knew Carlisle felt it, given then squeeze he gave my hand. To her it would seem like it'd been a long time. To me, it hadn't been nearly long enough.
I hadn't seen her since late February. Since the morning of the day I told on Jack.
I watched, holding onto Carlisle's hand as she introduced herself to the rest of the family. She'd never met them before, only Carlisle and Esme, and I could tell that they only saw the gentle, friendly part of her. I still saw her as a throw-pillow, so there was obvious distrust in my eyes.
Looking to my dad, I noticed he still seemed surprised as well. She turned to him, talking to him as if seven years hadn't passed.
"It's okay, shorty." I looked back at Emmett. "She seems really nice."
"It's an act." I whispered, looking to her again. "I know it." Having heard me speak, she turned, looking at me as well.
"Count your blessings, Gina." My dad told her. "She yelled at me when she first saw me again."
"I'm sure that's coming." She said, surprising me, "And she wouldn't be wrong." My dad sighed. It was weird to me. To see my mom and my dad in the same room again. Talking to each other. Without those two people, I wouldn't be standing there. I was a part of both of them. That was just a strange thought to me.
"Come here, Leandra." My dad gestured me forward, and I hesitated at first. A small nudge from Carlisle had me move to him, though. Stepping purposefully around my mom, I made sure to stay out of arms reach of her.
"Leandra." Carlisle knew what I was doing. "Please. Just a little effort." I looked back at him as my dad gently took hold of my shoulder. The look in his eyes was slightly pleading. Nervous. I looked to Esme, and saw the same look. She offered me a smile, which didn't help in the slightest.
Okay. I'd put in effort. Now really wasn't the time to do this, but effort it would be. I looked up at my mom, meeting her eyes. She attempted to reach forward, to tuck my hair behind my ear, but I pulled back. Not approving of the touch.
"I want to know why." I demanded. She looked down, letting her hand drop, slowly sitting on the couch beside her.
"Leandra." She sighed. "I don't know if now is-"
"Yes." I said. "Now. I wanna know the truth. I'm old enough to know why you did what you did."
She was quiet for a moment, fiddling with her hands. She didn't seem to want to answer. That made me even more mad at her. I wasn't asking for much from her. I wanted to know what was more important to her than I was.
"Do you even know what I went through?" I asked quietly. "Do you even care what happened to me while I waited for you to notice?" Though my voice was quiet, it was filled with accusation. As were my eyes as she finally looked up, meeting them again.
"Honey, I'm sor-"
"Sorry's not gonna cut it." I barked. "It's not. I know, it's the best you can do right now, but.. It's so hard. It's hard to forgive you. That's what you showing up is asking me to do." Everyone else was quiet, waiting. Watching our interaction closely.
She was quiet, before she looked at me. "I can't undo what happened, and I know that. I'm just trying to get through this, the same as you. This is hard on me too, knowing the choices I made impacted you so deeply, hurt you for so long. And because of another choice, I didn't see it." I was quiet, my eyes narrowing ever-so-slightly. "Leandra, I can't undo what he did, but I can try to prove to you that I will never let you down again."
She paused, taking my hand in hers, "You haven't forgiven me yet, and that's okay. That's okay, Leandra. You've got to see for yourself that you can count on me to always be there." She paused again. "Okay? I love you, and only want what's best for you. If you're not ready to forgive, that's fine."
That didn't answer my question.
"That's not good enough." I grumbled, pulling my hand away. "Did you ever see? Did you ever hear me? Did you ever notice what Jack was like?"
She looked down. "In the beginning, Jack used to shout. I'd always correct him on it, try to get him to stop, and he would at first. It was just after he'd adopted you that he started escalating."
"That's a lie." I instantly growled. "You never told him to stop."
"Not in front of you, I didn't." She countered. "You were just a baby, and had just gone through so much fighting. Between your dad and me. I didn't want to repeat that."
"Nothing else?" I demanded. "You didn't try anything else?"
"I tried, honey. I was young, stupid and scared." She murmured. "There is so much to this story that you don't know-"
"Then tell me."
"Not here." She insisted. "I will tell you everything I know, but not right now."
"I'm trying really fucking hard not to punch you in the face for what you did." I finally snapped. "Just tell me!"
She hesitated only a second before she looked around.
"Chris," She said. "It might be a good idea to take Lily out of the room." I scoffed. She'd already put more concern into Lily than she ever felt for me.
"We'll be right outside." Rachel stood up, helping Lily to her feet. It was silent as they made their way out the side door, onto the porch outside.
"Well?" I barked after several silent seconds.
"I tried." She finally took a breath. "I tried to leave. I don't think you would remember, because at the time, you were just a toddler and he'd been there for awhile." She sighed again. "Let me start at the beginning." She glanced over at my dad. He nodded, his arms crossed.
"It was my fault." My dad murmured, which surprised me. "We were both stupid back then. I put more focus into my work than I did my family, and because of that, I got to watch everything fall apart."
"I wasn't looking for Jack." My mom added. "He found me. I don't expect you to understand the difference, but I promise you. I tried so hard to be careful."
"Not careful enough." I grumbled, sitting down.
"He found me at a time when everything was going to hell." My mom went on. "Jack found me when I was tired. He found me while I was terrified of becoming a single mother to a little girl that deserved the world. I'd been so busy second-guessing myself, the ends just didn't match up."
I watched her. Hesitantly listening now.
"How'd you even meet him?" I asked firmly.
"The day I met Jack," She said, "I had just gone through a fight with Chris. One of the worst we had, and I was upset. I had taken you to the park. Just here, in Forks. I started talking to a woman there with her two boys, and I met him through her."
I frowned. I wanted so bad to ask about the woman, but I filed that question away for later. I was getting the answers I wanted, and I didn't want to interrupt her.
"That's the day I first met him too." My dad added bitterly. He was still tense.
My mom nodded. "Jack saw an opportunity, and he took it, and I admit, I was stupid. He was good. To me and to you. I never saw any red flags, and believe me, I looked."
I was silent now, waiting.
"He was good." She murmured. "Until one day, he wasn't anymore. The two years I'd known him, I never once saw this side of him. One day, after we were married, it was just like a switch had been flipped, and I didn't even know him anymore. It caught me so off guard.. He blindsided me, but I never once saw anything like that coming."
Weirdly, that was believable.
"And you tried to leave?" My dad prompted her when I didn't.
"Three times." She nodded solemnly. "The first time, he beat me senseless and left with Leandra. He'd been at it for awhile by then, and only then decided to clue me in. The same day he showed me his true colors, I tried right then to put a stop to it, but needless to say, that didn't sit right with him. He was so much stronger than me."
I looked down, hating the way my resentful gaze had eased. I could sympathize with that one.
"And before you ask," She added, looking at my dad, "No. I never saw any reason before then to be suspicious, and I was watching closely. The only thing I can think of that would have been an indication, was the way Leandra was suddenly acting, but.. I stupidly thought that the change in her behavior was a normal toddler thing. Especially after losing you the way she did. That was my second mistake."
I was still quiet. Continuing to wait. I knew she had more to say.
"The second time," She went on at him quietly, "He made her watch as he held a knife to my throat. The third, I was about to leave. I was ready, and I know I should have called someone ahead of time, but he was home when he should have been at work. So he caught me. I regained consciousness hours later, bleeding on the kitchen floor, but still. I tried until he turned it all around on you."
I glanced up, and she was looking at me.
"He told me that I was free to leave whenever I wanted." She explained, "But if I ever tried to take you with me again, I would be the one burying you in the woods."
Again, I believed that. Jack was always free with his threats.
"I was helpless at that point." She sniffled a little. "I wanted so bad to believe he was bluffing, but after he'd completely changed, I didn't know what to believe. My only choice was to give up. I knew even if I did file a report against him, he wouldn't stay away long. We'd never get away. Not for long, anyway. I couldn't put you through that, or perhaps more selfishly, I couldn't put you in that kind of danger.
"He had control of everything. I didn't have a job, I didn't have a car. I didn't have a soul in the world that would help me. He had control of the bank accounts, he owned the house, and he'd adopted you. That would have given him rights to you had I tried to leave, and he was just waiting for any excuse to take you away from me too.
"I didn't realize at the time just how badly I was cornering myself, allowing him to control so much of my life. I didn't fully know just what I was getting myself into with him until it was too late. He'd gotten us just where he wanted us to be, and he sprung the trap."
I tried to imagine what my life would have been like constantly running from place to place, living in fear of Jack finding us.
"I tried to warn you." My dad mumbled, shaking his head at the floor. "I begged you to listen."
"I know." She nodded. "I know you did, and bottom line, it's my fault for not listening to you."
It was silent again.
I grit my teeth, and kept my eyes down, "Why did you start drinking?" I wasn't even sure if I wanted to know any more answers, but I couldn't stop myself from asking the questions.
"I was never one to really enjoy drinking before, considering my father always drank. But it was an escape at first. A way to stay out of the way, hoping maybe he'd take it easy without me angering him."
It took me a moment for that to register in my mind. Was she telling me that she "escaped" while I was stuck facing Jack and everything he had to dish out? She drank, with the purpose of ignoring me in mind? "Hoping" he'd take it easy?
"Uh-oh." Emmett murmured. "Shorty.." He tried to correct me before I lost my temper. Too fucking late.
"So you just.." At first, my voice was quiet. Carefully controlled. I paused. "You just.. Escaped while he could do whatever he wanted?" I could feel my pulse quickening in anger. She was quiet, which was enough answer for me. "You just left me to fend for myself? Did you even care at all that he was hurting me?" I knew I was about to cross the line, heading towards words I couldn't take back, but I needed to let them go.
"You hid in your drinking, while I had to deal with what he did? Are you kidding me?" My voice was raising. "I was just a kid! I was a kid! You were the grown-up!"
She stood up, and I stepped back. She tried to hug me, but I fiercely yanked my arm from her hand.
"The blood on the floor, the walls, in my room, mom!" I shouted. "Did you see any of it? Did you hear me cry, mom? Did you hear him beating me? I begged you. I begged you to care. I needed you so much, and you let me down every fucking time!" I couldn't stop talking now if I tried. My dad stepped forward, trying to take my hand, but I yanked it away just as harshly.
"The bruises, the burns, and the cuts, mom. That's all he gave to me." I paused, knowing I was about to hurt her more, "And all you gave me was a twelve pack of empty beer bottles every day, and your fucking back! I picked up those bottles, mom. I picked them up, because I didn't want to be hit with them!"
I stood there, waiting for her to say something. Anything. When she didn't, I just got angrier. I continued.
"You're going to blame everything that happened to me on you being young? No." I shook my head. "That's a goddamn lie!" My voice broke with how upset I was. Accusation in every syllable. "I was nine years old, mom, when I got away from that place. I could have died there, and you wouldn't have noticed! I was younger than you were, and braver than you could ever claim to be then. Do you know how scared I was? All the time. Now I know why it was so hard. I was being brave for both of us."
I paused, my breathing accelerated. "You just can't tell me that you fucked up! You messed up, mom, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive you for giving up when I needed you to stand up for me!" I was pissed. More pissed than I had been in a long time. My voice broke again with my emotion and my anger, adding an edge to them that seemed to hurt her more.
She didn't try to interrupt me, only staring down at her hands. Nobody tried to interrupt me. When she started to cry, I began to feel guilty, which only fueled the anger more.
"Don't tell me this is hard on you. You don't get to say it's hard on you, because we both know that's a fucking lie. You think it's hard on you? Try living with what I live with every day. Try living with the stuff I still fucking live with because of your stupid fucking choices." I spun and stormed toward my room.
Before I could get too far, Esme caught me. Wrapping her arms around me, holding me as my sobs finally started. There were no words to describe the silence in the room that followed my outburst. Esme eventually lifted me, holding me securely as I cried, letting me get out my emotion.
"Wow." Emmett finally mumbled.
"Emmett." Alice corrected him quietly.
"No." My mom murmured, sniffling as she stood and took a few steps toward me. "She was right. Everything she said, she had every right to say. I should have been there. I should have done everything I could to keep you from him. I won't make excuses, and I won't lie to you. All I can say, all I can tell you is that I'm sorry-"
"That's not good enough!" I screamed, turning quickly to face her. "That's not enough!"
"I know it's not." She said quickly. "I know you're hurt, and you will need your time, but I promise you, sweetie-"
"Your promises don't mean anything to me."
"I'm trying, Leandra. I am." She tried again. "Just give me a chance-"
"You don't deserve one." I argued. "Why should I have to trust you again when you never gave me a reason to? Huh? Why should I? It's not fair for you to ask me to give you a chance when you blew ten years of them."
"Leandra-"
"Don't you get it?" I sobbed. "I don't want to live with you! You never wanted me anyway!"
"Now that's not true." She said, shaking her head. "Leandra, I have no way to explain why I did what I did, but I have always loved you."
"Bull shit." I whispered, dropping down from Esme's arms. "You never loved me. You were never a mom. Moms don't let their daughters get beaten until they can't move. You don't love me."
"Leandra-"
"Stop it!" I interrupted her again. "I don't want you! You're nothing to me!"
"Leandra." Carlisle spoke beside me, but I ignored him. He wanted effort. This was my effort. I needed to get this out.
"You're nothing but a selfish bitch, only out to save your own ass, and I would have been just fucking fine never seeing your stupid face again." I could see the pain my words caused her, yet it only fueled me.
"Shorty." Emmett's voice was firmer, and even that didn't stop me.
"I hate you." I snapped between clenched teeth. "I really hate you. It's too late. It's too fucking late!"
I turned, trying to step around Esme to get to my room. My mom, however, took my arm in her hand again, and turned me around, pulling me to her. Lifting me into a tight and secure hug.
I struggled as she wrapped her arms around me, but she wouldn't let go. Through my kicking and shoving, she held on tight. My teeth clenched in my fight.
"Leandra, please." She murmured, trying not to drop me.
"Gina, maybe-" Carlisle tried before he cut off as a last resort, I pulled back just enough to slap her. She still didn't let go, so half a second later, I thought of the next option. Leaning in, I bit her shoulder. She still tried to hold on, but eventually, the pain became too much, and she let me go with a quiet cry of pain.
I landed on my feet, falling to my butt. I was panting, partially from fear and partially from exertion as everything was still. Trembling on the floor as I looked up at her, watching as she rubbed the spot I'd bitten her.
"Leandra." My dad was the first to scold quietly, shocked at my behavior.
That's all it took. I crawled backwards, flipped over and forced myself to my feet. Running from the room as fast as I could. Ignoring the shocked gasps, and my name called behind me. I closed the door firmly behind myself, and curled into a ball on the floor in front of it.
All these years, I'd made up excuses for her. I'd tried to ignore the truth. I told myself that her drinking wasn't her choice. She didn't mean to ignore me. She was sick. She didn't mean to ignore the fact that she'd married Satan, and I was stuck with him. Alone. Scared. Hurting and confused.
I'd known it all along, but fully learning that it was entirely her choice hurt me. It broke my heart, and I was having a hard time dealing with it. Tears slowly trailed down my cheeks, and I found myself unable to stop them.
I didn't want to see her. I didn't want to make an effort. I didn't want to have to go with her. I didn't want to have to leave my family, just because she thought she was better. She chose to ignore me and what hell I was going through, and now she wanted to take me away from the place where I made something out of the nothing I was, just to try to make up for it. I hated her. I hated my own mother, and nothing she would ever say to me would change that.
This was different than how disappointed I was in my dad. This was so much worse, because she was there. She had been there the entire time. Just in the next room, and she could have done something. She could have put a stop to it, but she chose not to.
I was scared though. I'd always acted on instinct, but when had that become instinct? Biting people? She was holding me, I didn't want to be held, but she wouldn't let go, so I bit her. That didn't make much sense to me either, but it'd definitely happened. I knew what I'd done was wrong, but that didn't stop me from doing it without even meaning to. I'd always done my best to be good. That wasn't good. That was really bad. Really bad.
A knock at the door behind me had me crawl forward, landing my butt near my bed, my sobs renewing. I was scared. Was that the one thing that would warrant a beating?
"Leandra." It was Esme. "May I come in?"
"Just you." I sobbed. "I don't want to see her. I'm not sorry!" The door opened and she came in, closing the door behind herself. I quickly climbed to my feet and hugged her. Embracing me in return, she sighed softly. She waited, letting me calm down quite a bit before she spoke.
"I know you're upset, honey. You have every right to be."
"How much trouble am I in?" I whimpered, looking up at her.
"It's okay." She assured me. "You're not in trouble."
"But.." I mumbled. "I bit her. I didn't even mean to, but I did."
"She's okay." She replied. "She's not hurt, and.. Well, we were waiting for something like this to come up."
"You were?"
"Unfortunately." She confirmed sadly. She sighed again quietly, hugging me tighter to her side. "Honey, what you've been through is unspeakable. Because of what that man did to you, there are bound to be some hidden scars no one can reach.
"The way you were treated as you grew through crucial developmental years made it possible for you to develop and strengthen basic survival instincts, the same instincts most children are taught to ignore when they're young by receiving love and supportive correction. You never got those things."
I didn't know what all that meant.
"But I didn't mean to do it." I was still confused. "I didn't.. I didn't even really think to do it."
"We know that." She replied, but didn't offer much else. I could tell that this bothered her. It bothered me too, so in a way, I could understand. I didn't like that I could do something like that without my say so.
"Can they wait to beat me until later?" I asked miserably, and she looked down at me.
"You're not going to be beaten." She replied gently but firmly.
"But.." I frowned a little. "That was bad. Really bad."
"Not bad enough to earn a beating." She insisted. "It's okay, sweetie." I was hesitant to believe her, but I hugged her again anyway. She smoothed my hair, and I closed my eyes around more tears.
"I hate her." I whimpered. "I hate her so much. She doesn't even know what she did."
She didn't reply to that. Rubbing my back in a soothing motion as my breathing slowed to a more normal pace.
As far as I was concerned, I wouldn't care if I never saw my mom again. If I would have had my way, I would have stayed right there for the rest of my life.
A/N: I know this was just the first chapter, but I really hope it didn't suck. The first few chapters are going to progress pretty fast, but I'm going to do my best to slow those down as much as I can. I'm having a bit of trouble keeping control of the pace with this one, though. I won't lie.
Next chapter won't take too long hopefully. It's got a few places I'm not that happy with, but I'll be trying. {:
Until Two, my wonderful readers!