CHAPTER 1

One beautiful day, the sun shined down on the peaceful forest below. Other than an asphalt road that ran for miles, trees and wildlife stretched farther than the eye could see. Wade Wilson, the Merc with the Mouth, the Pool of Death was the only taint in the purity of this scene

"HEY! Just because you can speak in third person doesn't mean you can call me a 'taint' or whatever! I have rights!"

As our not-so-friendly neighborhood nuisance enjoyed the outdoors, he was suddenly bothered by the presence of a strong, masculine sounding voice in his head narrating a scene.

"Ya damn skippy I'm bothered! Every time you show up it means something-"

Suddenly the forest around Deadpool vanished in an instant, and suddenly a small town burst into existence from the thin air around this soiled-garment fool.

"I SAT IN A PUDDLE!" Of piss "YOU SHUT UP, VOICE IN MY HEAD!" You first!

Suddenly Deadpoo- HEY! GET OFF OF ME!

"Shut your mouth, Mr. Third Person Voice Guy! I'm jacking this fanfic!"

BANG - *gun cocks* - BANG

"WOOH! That dude was annoying" So are you. "The readers don't know that, dear." Everyone knows that. "What can I say, it's part of my charm."

"Hello there," said a man wearing glasses and walking his Dalmation, "what can I do for you?"

Uh-oh, not only is cricket over here jabbing at us, but narrator dude is back too.

How on earth did you know this gentleman was a cricket?

"Duh, he's Jiminy Cricket!" Deadpool said aloud, making the gentleman stare at the Merc with an unpleasant and weirded-out gaze. Not cool bro.

"I am who now?" Asked – the nerdy looking guy – don't interrupt me, Deadpool.

"I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to him," and Deadpool pointed his finger up towards the sky. Now officially creeped out, the gentleman smiled awkwardly and continued to walk his dog, his pace quickening the further he got from Deadpool.

"He seemed nice, although a little self-CONCIOUS!" Good one. "I try, man, what can I say?" Ironically, crickets were the only thing to be heard after this pathetic pun.

"So, immortal narrator guy or whatever, where the f* # am I?"

You are in a small town, out in the middle of nowhere, named Storybrooke.

"Holy s#*% STORYBOOK?!"

Kind of? It's a pun on-

"Yea, yea, yea, I get it. Where can I get some food around here?"

There is a diner called Granny's just down the street, perhaps try there?

"OOOOOH, A DINER?! Those serve tacos and chimichangas right?"

~Editor's Note: At this point, the Narrator facepalmed.~

And with that, Deadpool merrily strolled to Granny's, and bursting through the door with intense passion that only intense hunger can inflict, our favorite Merc threw his hands down on the front counter and raised his right arm with impressive vigor.

"Oh, waiter!" he sang with his usual flamboyancy, "I will take a plate of your FINEST Mexican! And I don't mean their soccer team!" Good thing you clarified that one.

"Pipe it down, clown boy, I'm coming," said the old lady wearing glasses and apron, along with holding a small notepad and pen. She stared at the – beautiful and stunning bachelor – sitting at the front counter, looking like a lunatic with each frantic hand wave.

"Come on, Granny, or I'll huff… and I'll puff… AND I'LL…-"

"What can I get for you today, sir?" She asked with an absence of energy and a look of annoyance upon Deadpool. He noticed this and thanked Oden for his mask to hide his tears and his shame. Yea, bulls#%* on that one.

"My, my, my, what big teeth you have there, Miss Gam Gam," he said, resting his elbows on the table and his chin in his hands affectionately. Just then, Wade Wilson's eyes clasped gaze upon a stunning specimen. Using my full name makes this all so formal. Wearing a very small and very tight skirt, along with a button-up shirt that was FAR from what its name implies, the woman's cherry red lipstick and long, slender legs enchanted the Merc.

"Your beauty blinds me," the cancer-filled Casanova purred at his prey, "I long to see you on full-moon's night."

"What did you say to me, clown man?" The woman said, her hand cocked, loaded and ready to slap Deadpool silly. "What about a full-moon?"

"Um, you're a wolf. I mean I bet you already knew you were a fox," the Merc charmed with an exaggerated wink, "OH! And you are also Red Riding Hood!" I wanna ride her red hood, if you catch my drift or whatever.

SLAP!

"Holy long-lost evil-queens stepsister from season 3, THAT HURT!" Just as Wade lifted his head from its hanging agony, he saw a man behind Red stand up, who was also notably wearing a sheriff's badge.

"Excuse me, Graham cracker sir!" the ass of an assassin yelled as he rushed for the door, "I will not be needing a HEARTY meal today." He'll get that one later.

Slamming the door behind him and hopping some fences, Wade found he was finally alone in this middle-of-nowhere –town-from-thin-air. Which means it's a good time to ask! How do you know all these people are fairytale characters, Wade?

"Um, duh, they are in old stories and there's a show about them!" This narrator guy has trouble keeping up, huh? "I'll say."

Then you know why I'm here than, right?

"I do, but why don't you tell me so the reader's know what the main plot before we add in the title?"

I need you to bring a special book to a special boy in this town. He needs hope now more than ever.

"If you were powerful enough to bring me here, why can't you just do this Fedex special book delivery thing yourself?" I'll bet five bucks it's some lame a$$ unwritten story rule or something.

As the narrator, I only possess enough power for continuity, I can't, however, be the star of a story myself, that would be terrible.

"So find a book, bring it to a kid, and get paid I assume?" This voice-guy better be charging by the bulls*&%.

I suppose I could dip into some funds… as long as it doesn't affect the events in some dramatic way.

"HOT DIGGITY DOG LET'S DELIVER A BOOK B!% #E$!"

Once Upon a Deadpool