This was inspired by tumblr 'icatler' and their post about Mikasa's family emblem not being showcased enough. Especially since the anime completely left it out. I wanted to give it some justice by doing a simple drabble that might MIGHT turn into something more. For now, it'll stay simple. While writing this I was listening to Paradise by Coldplay.
Hope you like it~Critique always welcomed!
(See the end of the work for more notes.)
Life goes on
It gets so heavy
The wheel breaks the butterfly
Every tear, a waterfall
In the night, the stormy night
She closed her eyes
In the night, the stormy night
Away she'd fly.
-Paradise by Coldplay
The sun was at its' highest peak when Mikasa alerted her group that it would soon rain. Everyone immediately finished up their training and began heading inside their quarters. One would think she'd be questioned for there was no dark cloud in the sky nor the grayish hue it normally took on before rain would fall. As they'd be in their right mind to do so, such as they had years ago. However, every rain storm Mikasa predicted, it'd be but a few hours later that every soldier would be drenched from head to toe for having doubted. Many attributed this skill from her years of training, others believed she simply had an uncanny sense of knowing when it would rain.
Little did everyone know that the true reason that lay behind her wizardry, one perhaps could call it, was driven by fear. Yes, one of humanity's strongest had a fear, in fact she had many fears. But none could compare to this seemingly simple, and some would call childish, phobia.
Astraphobia. She had seen the word as a young girl, what seemed like many many years ago, while going through one of Armin's many book collections. She had almost dismissed it at first glance for the lettering was something she had never encountered. Had it not been for Armin noticing her eyeing the oddly worded book, she wouldn't have learned that the book was primarily in Greek.
Armin explained the best way a 10 year old could, "You see Mikasa, these symbols are in Greek. φόβος. The word it translates to is phobos or 's a book about many a different fears we may have." Mikasa's eyes widened slightly, her interest piqued. As Armin returns the book to her hands he says, "Well, maybe not you. You're fearless!"
Little did he know, Mikasa, in fact, had many fears she came to admit to herself as she studied the book, using a Greek/English translation dictionary. She learned that she had thanatophobia, fear of death or rather in her case the fear of her loved ones dying. She also feared being rejected, the term closely related to this was kakorrhaphiophobia.
Armin had never noticed Mikasa take an interest in anything other than Eren and found it intriguing that she had a fondness for the book. A few days after her birthday, he had decided to present it to her as a gift when she attempted to return it. "It's yours to keep. You seem fond of it." Mikasa's eyes widened slightly in surprise, having never received anything from another boy other than the precious scarf she held so dear that Eren had given her. She shly yet firmly accepted his gift.
She kept it with her at all times, making sure to keep it with her wherever the scouting legion's titan killing travels led them. Even now as an adult, at the age of 22, the book laid flat, neatly on her desk provided in her room they currently reside at. One of the main reasons she had kept this book throughout the years, not only because it was a gift but also because it provided details as to how one could overcome their fear. She learned that it was necessary to fight to protect the ones she loved and not allow fear overtake her in dire situations. She also learned the importance of not focusing on what others may think of her abilities as a soldier, a person and a female. She focused on strengthening her core, both physically and mentally. Who she was and who she wanted to be.
Yet no matter what she tried, she could never rid herself of astraphobia. Thunder and lightening, two tumultuous brothers of nature at war. She knew exactly why. It took her years to accept her memory of that evil fated night where her parents were ripped from her and she left abandoned. It was a stormy night that she witnessed the murder of her father, the brave yet feeble attempt her mother made to save her daughter also ended with death. Even though Eren had come to the rescue, even though his family, the Jaegers, had kindly taken her in and adopted her as their daughter, she could not let go of the memory of deafening thunder and blinding lightening.
Rain droplets lightly tapping her window brought her out of her deep thoughts of the past. Just as she predicted, it had not been 2 hours prior to her advising her trainee squad to take refuge before the storm. An anxious sigh escaped her lips as she became more aware of how the rain grew heavy against the roof of the scouting legion's temporary home. It was an enormous cabin. Her room reminded her of the small cabin she use to live in as a child. Simple, a sink in the left corner for washing up, a desk where her book lay across a bed she fortunately won after winning a bet. It was a queen. The bet, that Corporal Levi and Commander Hange were indeed having a personal relationship.
Had it not been for the rain, she would feel right at home and comfortable like the comfortably warm and cool days prior to this dreary night. No. She'd spend most of the night pacing her room trying to distract herself. However, as soon as the thunder and lightening began she stilled in the middle of her room. Covering her ears and pressing her hands tighter each lightening strike, knowing full well that thunder would inevitably come after.
It was a knock at the door that made her yelp. Panic controlled her mind and when she had to choose fight or flight, she decided to flee into the closet across her bed, slamming the door behind her. She leaned against the back wall, slowly falling to the floor as she hugged her legs close to her torso.
She could not hear her name being called nor the various knocks that followed. She didn't hear her door open or how heavy foot steps entered her room hesitantly.
FLASH. SNAP. BOOM.
Mikasa whimpered loudly, not knowing someone was standing just a few feet away from where she lay hidden.
"Mikasa?" A concerned voice laced with uncertainty finally reached her ears during a moment of silence.
The door was swung wide open to reveal Armin, locked in a defensive pose. Mikasa let out a strangled painful gasp as her eyes widened realizing who found her in such a sad state.
"A-Armin! Close the door! I'm okay. I tripped and fell into the closet and decided this would be a great place to sleep. So please go. Close the door, Armin. Go away, Armin. Please go, Armin." Her voice quivered. Another lightening strike and a thunderous boom caused Mikasa to flinch in such a way that she crossed her legs, toes curled, arms attempting to cover her torso, face and head. Noticing that Armin still stood at the closet's door she forcefully pushed herself up, and launched herself towards Armin, forcefully pushing him away with her right hand as she grasped his hand, attempting to tear it away from the door's handle.
"I said leave! I'm fine! In fact, this is where I always sleep! Go, Armin! Go, NOW! WHY WON'T YOU LET GO OF THE DOOR ARMIN!? LET GO, ARMIN! ARMIN!" Her voice was desperate and she could feel her eyes begin to well up, her throat become dry and filled with lumps of air.
Armin couldn't help but stare. Here was the girl he had admired for so many years, had looked up to because she was fearless and strong. But yet, here she was in absolute pain and fear of what would appear to be lightening and thunder. His face held the look of surprise and confusion, along with concern. For a moment, he thought she had hurt herself during training and as always kept this fact hidden from everyone. But as he felt the force of her hand push against him without a hint of pain, he knew she was okay. Yet he couldn't believe that she wasn't the fearless goddess he had thought her to be. But, it soon began to make sense. Her past, her ability to know when it would storm. Her fear had basis. And even if it didn't, he could not bring himself to laugh at his dearest child-hood friend for having such a fear. It was trigger for her.
Softly, he spoke her name, "Mikasa." She stilled at the sweet sound of his voice. He figured it out in all of 1 minute. Truly he was indeed humanity's smartest. However this did not make her feel any better. Eren knew of her fear, so what if her child-hood friend did too? It wouldn't matter. It wouldn't take her fear away. It wouldn't stop the pain from her past. No one can save her from herself. "No, Armin. Leave me be! NOW! Armin! GO! I DON'T WANT YOU HERE, ARMIN! ARMIN! ARMIN!" She pounded at his chest, noticing how he did not budge, noticing the tightness of his muscles, the strength in his stance. He was no longer a young boy, he was a fully trained soldier who would most likely take over as Commander. She would have to use full force.
"You keep saying my name. Why?" Mikasa stopped in mid-step just as she was about to deliver a full blow to his abdomen. "W-what? It's your name! Would you rather me call you brat!? Useless!? Nosey!?" She screamed at his face. She jumped suddenly. Armin had covered her hand griping his shirt and gently held her left, lacing his fingers in hers. "Mikasa. Say my name, just my name. Say it." He slowly backed away from the door, gently tugging Mikasa out from the closet. "N-no!" She pulled away from him, however he held her hands tightly. "Say my name, Mikasa. Please." Armin spoke with such a kind and sweet voice, she couldn't help but concede.
"Armin.." she whimpered.
"Again, Mikasa. Say it again."
"Ar-Armin." The way his voice began to change, albeit subtle, was enough to bring a blush to her face.
"Please, Mikasa. Once more. Say it once more." His voice was what she could only describe as sultry. But not in a way a man would attempt to use to seduce a person. No, on the contrary. It was a thick, deep and silky tone that brought a cool shiver up her spine.
She whispered, "Armin." She looked up to see a smile had found its' way on his face. She was confused.
"You probably didn't and haven't noticed, so let me explain first. You see, you kept repeating my name. I noticed that each time you would say it, although you were screaming at me, your body seemed to stop shaking. When I grabbed your hands, they began to warm up from my touch. I went on a hunch, and asked you to say my name continuously. It's been thundering and lightening outside, yet you're standing before me calmly. It seems that chanting my name is somewhat of a cure to your astraphobia." A small chuckle resonated from his throat and out his mouth and through his smiling parted lips.
Mikasa's blush deepened. She hadn't realized it. It took him explaining it to her for her to realize it.
Armin was capable of calming her nerves during the storm. She had completely forgotten about it and focused on Armin. She fumbled with her words, trying to find a way to explain this anomaly. Nothing had worked before, not even saying Eren's name could cause such a calm reaction in her.
Mikasa felt Armin's hand gently massage the palm of her left hand with his thumb. He brushed his fingers over her wrist, which was tightly bandaged. His voice made her heart skip a beat, "Your family emblem. I remember you telling me about this a few years back." It wasn't a question, merely a statement. Perhaps he was only speaking to continue her calm state.
"Yes." She breathed lightly in response. A loud crackled thunder shot into the ground just outside her window, causing her to jump towards Armin, gripping his arms tightly with both her hands. Armin immediately responded by bringing his arms around her. Brushing his fingers through her hair, attempting to calm her yet again. He was slightly taken aback when he felt her lips moving against his neck. He stretched his ear so that he could hear over the storm what she was saying. A hue of pink tainted his cheeks when he realized she was chanting his name.
"Armin. Armin. Armin. Please don't let go. Armin. Please don't go. I'm sorry, Armin. Stay, Armin. Armin." He squeezed her tighter in his arms. Nuzzling his face into her hair, planting butterfly kisses. Mikasa reacted abruptly, accidentally bumping her head against his chin.
"Ow!" Armin rubbed his chin with his left hand, still holding her. "I'm so sorry Armin. I just.. I didn't expect.. you were.. Why.. um.. you kissed my head?" She blushed so much more that Armin's surprised reaction and painful look turned into a full bear hug and hearty laughter.
"I apologize if my behavior seems off. But, I couldn't help it. It just felt natural to do so." He gave her the warmest smile she hadn't seen in such a long time. She could tell the difference between his many smiles. This one was a true smile, his eyes gave it away. She had always noticed these small mannerisms about him. He was Eren's best friend after all and she wanted to share their friendship. Yet, what she was feeling right now.. it wasn't what she normally felt with Eren, her friend and her family.
"It felt natural..?" She questioned, more to herself, she felt a wave a calmness smooth over her entire being. She allowed herself to let this natural feeling take hold of her.
"Yes, Mikasa. It was natu-" he stopped mid sentence because Mikasa had taken his right hand in her cloth covered one and brought it to cup her face. She nuzzled her cheek into his palm. "You've always had rough hands. Calloused yet gentle." The pink hue that had remained on his cheeks was now full blown red. He took a step back as he felt her lean against him.
"M-M-Mikasa!" Armin stuttered in embarrassment.
"It was just as you said.. natural. This feels.. natural." She felt the tension slowly dissipate from his being.
He brought his arms back up and cupped her elbows with his hands, pushing her gently away from him. Mikasa was taken aback by this, feeling the fear of rejection just about to resurface, she kept her head down until she felt his his thumb pressed lightly against her chin tilting her head up.
"Mikasa." Armin said her name, this time with a hint of apprehension mixed with anticipation. He touched his forehead to hers and chanted her name. "Mikasa." His nose rubbed against hers, causing her to smile remembering how mama Jaeger would give her eskimo kisses. "Mikasa." He rubbed his thumb over the corner of her lips, he smirked. "Mikasa." This time the tone of his voice was intensely alluring, seducing her soul to move closer to his. "Mikasa." Their lips pressed together, a feathered kiss is what she recalled her mother asking her father for one. A few tears escaped from her eyes, alerting Armin.
"Are you uncomfortable? Did I over step?" She could tell he was worried and concerned for how she felt about what just happened. She smiled, as she felt him wipe her tears away.
"No, Armin. In fact, you broke through the wall I had placed around my heart and mind. I feel warmth and happiness, something I haven't felt in so many years." Grasping his hands that held her face, in hers, she made a selfish request. "Don't stop, Armin. Please?" The look in her eyes was of complete trust, admiration and what he never thought she'd feel for him, love. His emotions crashed over, he couldn't contain himself. His lips crashed against hers, tangling his fingers in her silky raven hair, deepening the kiss as he feels her respond fervently.
Mikasa tugged his hair loose from his usual half pony tail, tossing aside the rubber band, she grasped his golden locks pushing his head forward in order to deepen their kiss. Armin responded by gripping the back of her thighs, wrapping her legs around his waist as he pushed up against the wall. This elicited a deep moan from Mikasa, who rolled her hips against his. Armin grunted and thrust his hips forward, pinning her as his lips left hers, gasping for air.
"Mikasa-ah." There it was again, the sultry voice while saying her name. She whimpered against him, wanting more of him. He brushed his lips against her lightly. "It's 6 in the morning. We have a meeting about next week's mission at 7:30. As much as I hate to stop this, we need to rest. You need to sleep." He really didn't want to stop. He wanted to explore this new found relationship with her. Wanted to see what other sounds she'd sing for him, what sound she'd make him sing for her. He felt her body unwind from their sexual tensed encounter.
"I agree. But.." Before she could say anything, Armin brought her over the her bed, laying her down, he kicked his shoes off before crawling into bed next to her. "I won't go." She smiled. Armin, too, knew her very well.
They wrapped each other's limbs around the other, finding a comfortable positing to finally rest and allow sleep to overcome them.
Before they drifted off to sleep, they could still hear the sounds of thunder that now seemed so far away. Yet still, Mikasa shook slightly with each tremble. Gently rubbing the side of her face, he told her to close her eyes.
"Remember when we were children and I'd read the book about the outside world?" He questioned.
Mikasa fondly recalled those days and responded, "Of course. Para.. Paradise was what you called it, how you described it to be."
Armin smiled, while nuzzling his forehead against hers he says, "The sun must set in order to rise. This gives us hope for tomorrow. So, dream Mikasa. Dream of paradise."
End Notes
I started this around 2 in the morning and just finished at 6:17a.m. I knew this was going to happen. I KNEW ARUMIKA WOULD RUIN ME AND I LET IT HAPPEN ANYWAY! I DON'T CARE THOUGH! I LOVE THEM!
I h-hope you enjoyed this.