10 Things I Hate About Logan
Introduction:
I have taken it upon myself to…ah…"reinvent" classic movies by inserting various characters of the X-Men into them…for what insane reason, I honestly have no idea. Right now, my latest venture is the movie based on Shakespeare's 'Taming of the Shrew': "10 Things I Hate About You".
Archive:
Sure, why not? Just let me know, k?
Disclaimer:
So, I own nothing. Literally. I am a broke grad student…do you think I could afford these characters? Nope (perhaps in another life). Characters and stuff belong to Marvel and Disney. "10 Things I Hate About You" belongs to Touchstone Pictures. So yeah…there's that. I mean…if you feel the need to sue me, go ahead…I have had too much for too long…*looks around at room full of empty wine bottles*
Characters:
For this movie variation, I have decided to take some elements from the 'Ultimate Universe' for some of the characters…this is basically to explain why some of them might be acting a bit differently from their canon 616 counterparts…also, Emma Frost is based a bit more on her younger self from her self-titled series, rather than her ULT or 616 adult self (if you have not read that series, please do so. Emma used to irritate the shit out of me until I read about her younger years, and now I understand her better). There are also some elements of "X-Men: Evolution" peppered in there. Oh, and in case this is not clearly evident, this is AU…so before the mob with torches and pitchforks begin, I state again, THIS IS AU! Enter at your own risk (that's what she said). Why am I even explaining this? This is my damn story, I do what I want.
Also note, that Jean and Emma's last name will be Xavier in this fiction, to reflect the family that they are in (they are Charles Xavier's daughters).
Jean Grey (Xaiver): Katarina Stratford
James "Logan" Howlett: Patrick Verona
Scott Summers: Cameron James
Emma Frost (Xaiver): Bianca Stratford
Hank McCoy: Michael Eckman
Warren Worthington III: Joey Donner
Ororo Munroe: Mandella
The Stepford Cuckoos: Chastity Church (the one character is now three)
Remy LeBeau: Scurvy
Charles Xavier: Walter Stratford
Raven Darkhome: Miss Perky
Nick Fury: Mr. Morgan
Nathaniel Essex: Bogey Lowenstein
Sean Cassidy: Mr. Chapin
I also randomly placed other mutants in this story as well.
Cause I can.
Chapter 1
"I came in like a wrecking ball/ I never hit so far in love/All I wanted was to break your walls…"
Screeching to a stop at the traffic light, Jean Grey Xavier glared at the teenie boppers singing to the song blaring from their Volkswagen Beetle. "You have GOT to be kidding me!" she growled to herself in response to the canned, over produced crap blaring from the opposite car. Punching the buttons on the radio, the gritty voice of Kathleen Hanna filled the interior.
"Rebel girl, Rebel girl/Rebel girl, you are the queen of my world/Rebel girl, I wanna take you home.."
The teenagers in the other car all looked over in horror, wincing at the music. When Jean glowered at them, the girls snapped their heads forward in sync, in an attempt to avoid eye contact. Rolling her eyes, the redhead threw her Honda Prelude into gear, gunned the engine, willed the light to turn green, and sped off. Stunned, the girls left behind sat in their convertible, coming to when the driver realized that the light had already turned red again. "That girl scares the 'you know what' out of me," she said. The others nodded in silent agreement.
As Jean pulled into the parking lot of Westchester High School, she fought the urge to use her powers to just lift all of the students loitering in her way, choosing instead to lay on the horn to warn them that either they need to move or get their asses run over. At the piercing noise, students turned and scampered quickly once they realised who was causing it.
"Oh crap…it's that crazy bitch again!"
"Dude, get the hell out of the way! She will run your ass OVER, and then read angsty feminist poetry over your battered remains!"
"Heh. I can con at least 100 bucks off of those dumbasses."
"Did you hear what she did to that Steve kid?"
"Do I have enough for that weed Logan's gonna score for me?"
"YES! I heard that it took SIX operations-"
"I wonder if I peeked into the future, I might see the test-"
"NO! It actually took TWELVE to remove that-"
"I don't care dude, I'd totally do her…Remember what Warr-"
"Poor Emma…she has to deal-"
The scatterings of thoughts and conversation of her peers pelted into Jean's mind while she whipped into a parking spot. After yanking up the parking break of the Honda, the redhead laid her head on the steering wheel and sighed. People WONDER why I don't like them…having to constantly filter out their opinions…you learn more about a person than you should, she thought resentfully. With a quick glance in the rearview mirror to check that her ponytail was straight, Jean grabbed her messenger bag, and pulled herself out of the Prelude, blinking at the bright morning.
Across campus, sitting in an office decorated in an odd combination of Ikea and porcelain dolls, Scott Summers sat contemplating his new surroundings.
"Army brat, eh? Twelve schools in twelve years?" a voice demanded.
Jerking up quickly, Scott snapped the back of his head into the wall, and quickly shot his hand up to steady the ruby coloured Oakleys on his face. The red-tinged face in front of him leaned back on the desk, smirking.
"Ah…no…well, yeah. I mean, Air Force. My father is a colonel in the Air Force." Scott stammered, rubbing the back of his head.
Snapping shut the folder in her arms, the sophistically dressed woman studied the boy sitting before saying, "Scott Summers, I am Ms. Raven Darkhome, your student counselor-slash-advisor. You may address me as Ms. Darkhome, and please feel free NOT to bring your adolescent bullshit anywhere near this office."
"Uh…what? Huh? I…don't…what…?" Scott trailed off, confused.
"Now, let's see. Your gift manifests through your eyes, correct?" Ms. Darkhome flipped to a page in the folder and held it up for Scott to see. "Concussive force, yet you are unable to control it, hence the douchebag eyewear fashion from 1998."
"Uh…yes…I, uh, hit my head when, uh, I was a kid…so, uh…"
"Well, aren't you just the articulate one?" Ms. Darkhome simpered, moving back behind the desk to take a seat. "You will fit in Westchester High just fine. Stupid punk ass shit for brains everywhere." As if to emphasize her point, a muffled explosion sounded in the schoolyard just beyond her window.
Stunned, Scott began to look wildly around, "Wait, am I in the right…?"
Wide plastic smile in place, Ms. Darkhome ignored him, responding with, "Out. I have other aberrations to deal with today before I can hit the bottle."
Scott snapped out of his shocked state, and quickly reached down to scoop up his backpack. "Ah…is that all, Ms. Darkhome?" She gave him a withering stare, which caused him to move faster, and as a result walked straight into what felt like a brick wall...one that growled at him. "Huh? What?"
Another growl from the wall, "Bub, watch yerself." Scott stumbled back and looked at the hairy adolescent before him. "Uh…I'm just leaving…" trailing off, skirted the mysterious guy to land into the hallway.
Turning his attention from the brown haired kid with red glasses, the mutant leaned against the doorway, sticking his hands in his pockets. "Ya rang, Darkhome?"
The blue woman patted her red hair as she looked up from the papers in her hand. "James Howlett, or are you still going by Logan? No matter, it seems that once again, your shenanigans have once again landed your rather shapely behind in trouble again." Logan just shrugged in response.
"You replaced Mr. Cassidy's power point presentation with gifs from porn…and if that was not enough, you left a message at the end, and I quote, 'Cheers, motherfucker, from yer ol' Canadian pal.' Now, if that does not implement you, then I don't know what does." Ms. Darkhome's yellow eyes regarded Logan attentively.
"Ya thought the porn was me? Nice." Logan scratched his beard thoughtfully and brushed the stray black hair away from his face.
"Don't flatter yourself, Moose Boy…but then again, there might not be many moose out there much more…blessed…than you." Ms. Darkhome said as her eyes roamed over him. Logan's expression quickly went from bored to slight disgust as he caught on to her innuendo. "Now, keep your hooves off of the perverted movies…at least in class. Move your ass. I have better things to do than babysit you. Out." Logan straightened up and with an obnoxious wink, sauntered out.
Standing in the locker filled hallway, Scott stood helplessly as he tried to figure out what to do next. "Hello! I am Hank McCoy, your tour guide for this humble abode." An optimistic sounding voice spoke up suddenly, causing Scott to jump. Turning, he was greeted with a cobalt furry face, broken by a fully fanged smile.
"Uh…hi. Scott Summers. Nice to meet…you?"
"Greetings, Scott Summers! As I stated, I am to be at your disposal in navigating this faculty. I see you have met the illustrious Ms. Raven Darkhome…she tends to be quite…something." Hank said diplomatically.
Scott winced. "Dude, she scared the shit out of me. Is she always like that?"
The wooly mutant chuckled and clapped Scott on the back with a large hand that resembled a paw. "That's how you know she likes you. You came out of the office alive. Now come on. We have a giant campus to explore, and not a lot of time." Steering Scott down the crowded hallway, he continued, "So, this school is peppered with just about every stereotype known to mutant, as well as a few more. What is your power, my dear boy?"
"Well, my power is a bit broken; a beam comes from my eyes. I have to wear these glasses, or I would end up destroying everything around me."
Hank nodded sympathetically. "Yeah, you are not the first one with broken powers. You see that lad with the wrappings around his face and neck," indicating a Robert Smith look-a-like scuttling the hallways with his head bowed, "that is Jonothon Starsmore. He discovered his psionic abilities by accidently blowing off the lower half of his face. Interestingly enough, he communicates telepathically, and even his British accent transfers to his thought exchange."
"Wow…I guess that really sucks. I mean…wow. So, uh, what about you? Are you just uh…" Scott gestured failingly at Hank's blue fur.
"I am not only immensely handsome, but I am also extremely agile." To emphasize his point, Hank leapt up, curled his legs under him, did a triple somersault, and landed on top of the metal lockers. Swaying gently to balance himself, he smiled and said, "All of this, and I happen to process a genius level intelligence."
"Whoa. That's pretty cool." Scott said as Hank flipped off of the lockers and landed beside him. "I'm kind of athletic; I used to play baseball at my last school. If I could do what you just did…that'd be awesome."
"Here at the illustrious Westchester High, there is a strict "no-powers" rule in our intermural sports arena…however; it is easily ducked by some of our more clever colleagues. I myself like to stick to the sciences, as I cannot always depend on these devastatingly good looks of mine to carry me through life." Hank chuckled as he guided Scott through the metal double doors into the packed courtyard and swept his wooly arm out. "Here we become the anthropologists to study the various tribes of Westchester County's finest."
"Whoa." Scott muttered.
"Ah, a Keanu fan?"
"Huh?" Scott responded, bewildered.
"Nevermind. On your left, you will see the gaggle of the beautiful mutants. Either by genetic gifts or parental funds, these are the exclusive of the 1%. It is best not to speak to them unless they approach you first."
"Wow. That guy there…" Scott trailed off, staring at the tall blonde winged adolescent that was posed by the fountain in the centre of the yard. "He is literally an angel."
"Yes, that would be Sir Warren Worthington III. He is the douchist of the douche…he only hangs out with all of the stunningly perfect examples of mutant elite."
Scott studied the group that also contained a pair of twins with white hair and a purple-haired Asian girl, and sighed. "Way to make a guy feel insignificant."
Picking up on Scott's mood shift, Hank directed him to another group of hipster attired mutants. "Here we have the hipster kids. While one would think that they are native to Washington, they endure soundly here in New York. They usually protest just about anything that is "mainstream" all the while buying their attire from mainstream retailers." While they watched a girl with a slouchy knit beanie atop of mahogany hair and dark red clothes fired what looked like a bolt of something toward the beautiful people, and laughed when they scattered. She then turned toward another girl in black with a short strawberry bob who then let loose a dazzlingly bright light show. "That would be Wanda Maximoff and Alison Blaire. They tend to get bored rather easily, as you can see. Over there in the corner is Nate." He gestured, indicating a sullen teen that was slouched in the corner and running a gloved hand through white streaked hair.
"Moving on, here are the artists. The tall Russian one, Peter, is our resident painter and Bobby tends to specialize in ice sculptures…whether we want slush there or not. He tends to be a bit of prankster. For the most part, they are really just stoners." Hank said, referring to a tall guy with black hair, and his shorter blond companion that was covering the lawn around them in a sheet of sheer frost. "Over there, you have the more athletically inclined students," he continued, pointing to a few students that were throwing around a football, including one that was a similar hue to Hank, but sported elf-like features and a tail. "You might have some shared interests there."
Scott studied the yard with a mix of horror and fascination. "So, ah. Where do you fit in?"
"I am a leader of the sciences! A master of the diplomatic arts! Lead for valedictorian of Westchester High, future Noble Peace Prize winner!" Hank triumphantly announced. Scott nodded with understanding, and pointed to a cement table flocked by students in conservative dress. "Is that your group? The one with all of the laptops open?"
Bristling slightly, Hank pulled Scott away from the attention of the students and murmured, "You see that REALLY pale guy at the end? That is Nathaniel Essex. His focus of choice is that of genetic studies, particularly of molecular evolution and engineering. Mine is more of the theoretical sciences, physics and the natural of time displacement…well, Essex has decided that since his field of study has more to offer mutantkind, I am obsolete. He then in turn told everyone that I was studying the relations of time and space in order to go back and manipulate the past for my own selfish purposes. It is but a minor setback, I shall resume my position back as the more advanced persona."
Scott rubbed the back of his head while observing the table. "Wow…that's really crappy. I mean, I don't know KNOW you, but you don't seem so bad. In fact," Scott cut off abruptly, eyes glued to a small group moving through the courtyard.
Flanked by what appeared to be three identical triplets, a short girl with long sinuous blonde curls walked toward the fountain that graced the centre of the area. His mouth dropped open as he watched their saunter and whispered in awe, "Ill met by moonlight, proud Titania."
"Shakespeare. Impressive, my dear boy. One would conclude that you have spotted the lovely Emma Frost Xavier, and the ever contemporaneous Stepford Cuckoos." Hank said, watching Scott watching Emma. "I would hesitate to recommend her for dating, however, as she is not permitted to. It is widely known that the Xavier sisters have been forbidden to do so."
"But I have to meet her! She's perfect!" Scott begins to follow the flock, only to be pulled back by Hank. "Why can't she date? Strict parents or something?"
"Yeah or something. In any case, she is too good for us anyway. Emma is part of the telepathic elite, as are her friends the Cuckoos. She has an aggressively sadistic sister that is gifted as well," Hank sighed and looked back over to Emma. "You see her outfit? That white sundress choice is not an accident. It exists to remind us that she is too good for us, and for wankers like Warren Worthington to lust after her." Scott continued to look at Emma, observing the way she tucked a piece of pink-tinged flaxen behind her ear as she listened to whatever one of the Cuckoos and he smiled when she threw back her hand in laughter.
She is perfect! She looks so gentle and sweet, I would not want anything to make her sad. Scott thought to himself. As if she heard him, she stopped laughing and turned her head until she made eye contact with Scott. He felt a burning in his cheeks and he quickly ducked his head started rubbing the back of his neck. He sensed what felt like a light tinkling of amusement skitter through his head unbidden, and peeked up from behind his glasses just in time to see a pleased-looking Emma turning back to her friends.
"You said that she is telepathic? Oh, shit. I think she 'heard' me." Scott muttered, still hanging his head, holding his Oakley glasses in place.
"I would not worry, my friend. I am sure that she has 'heard' worse from other sources, including yours truly. Now, allow me to show you through the rest of the estate before Shiro sets fire to it…again." Hank chuckled and Scott followed him back inside the large double doors.
Author's Note:
Cover artwork for this fanfiction: "JeanxLogan" by Pauris: art/JeanxLogan-sketch-161326459
Just givin' the ol' heads up (not lookin' to get sued this week):
"Rebel Girl" by Bikini Kill is the property of Bikini Kill/Bikini Kill Records
"Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus is the property of Miley Cyrus/RCA Records