Title: Fears of the past
By: Uchiha-chan aka. Hayashi11
Forewords: I dedicate this to all who are suffering from the clutches of fear... I hope you will find peace. Please listen to Pink's Conversations with my 13 year old self for your reading pleasure.
"The past is back to haunt me…"
-Excerpt from Hayashi's dairies-
The young woman tore her reading glasses off her face and let out a frustrated sigh. She knew she had hit another writer's block. Decided that she would retire for the night, the twenty something aspiring writer yawned and shut downed her laptop. The blocks are getting more frequent and it happens whenever she tries to put emotions into her writing.
Quietly, she left the study and retreated to the bedroom she shared with her love. The first thing she noticed was the music that was playing softly on the stereo. Next the dim lights on the nightstand showed a lonely figure lying on the bed, fast asleep. Apparently, silly woman whom she loved fell asleep while waiting for her. A smile crept upon her face almost immediately. Soft steady breathing filled the room with a calm and soothing aura. Fingers brushed back her lover's fringe and cupped those soft cheeks that had donned a little pout. Her mind drifted away as she caressed the smooth skin, there was something nagging at her, a distant memory that she failed to bring up.
It was love. The word struck her as she remembered the feelings for the person in bed, the love this wonderful woman gave her in return the secret wish that someone loved her when she needed the most support many years ago. If only someone loved the lost little girl back then…
"Mmm…"
The movements of her fingers stirred her lover from her sleep and she was quick to notice it.
"Come on darling, get under the covers. I don't want you to catch a cold…"
Her love seemed willing to comply for she rolled off the bed and allowed herself to be led to her side of the bed to be tucked in. A warm hand caught hers and tugged.
"Don goo…"
She couldn't help but to chuckle lightly at the childish pout that her love was giving her.
"Bathroom… I'll be back shortly."
A kiss on the forehead proved to be a wise choice when she communicates with her sleepy lover for she was given another mumble of approval.
Not wanting her love to wait too long, the young woman quickly washed up. As she stepped out of the bathroom, a new song came up from the stereo. This time a lower and much darker music seeped into the room.
She turned the volume up a little higher to hear sad English lyrics pouring out. Instantly she was captivated.
Conversations with my thirteen year old self
"Thirteen?"
Memories flew back to when she just became a teenager. The year she enrolled in that blasted school on scholarship because she couldn't afford normal school fees with her family in pieces. She was angry at her father for leaving her mother and her in the worst times.
You're angry
I know this
'You know nothing…' But her mind hushed her to listen to the song.
The world couldn't care less
'Damn right…' She dropped the towel on a chair and sat down by the bed. Images of her holing up in her mother's intensive care ward flashed before her. She involuntarily cringed at the feeling in her heart. That uneasy and scary feeling… It was loneliness. She recognized almost instantly.
You're lonely
I feel this
'What do you know…' The rebel in her taunted the lyrics and the singer. She was surprised how the song is affecting her. 'I must have lost it… I should sleep…'
And you wish you were the best
No teachers
Or guidance
'I saved myself… No one gave a damn…' She thought bitterly to herself. "Not until I got to know you…" While stealing a quick glance at her love, the next line caught her by surprise.
And you always walk alone
You're crying
'Fuck…' She stared at the stereo in disbelieve, something tugged on her heartstrings painfully. She clutched her heart and cursed. 'Where did that come from…?'
At night when
Nobody else is home
"Oh fuck…"
Tears rolled down her cheeks, the pain in her heart made her double over. Her worse memories resurfaced. Loneliness, abandonment, betrayal, hurt and the tears…
She could fool almost anyone with her mask that hides all the pain but she couldn't fool herself. Simple words made her emotions react violently.
Come over here and let me hold your hand and hug you darling
Curling up at the corner of the bed, she hugged herself, trying to snuff out those painful memories and heartache. "Someone… Save me…" She remembered saying that to herself one day many years ago.
I promise you that it won't always feel this bad
'No one saved you…No one was there…' Her heart cried bitterly to herself.
There are so many things I want to say to you
You're the girl I used to be
"…would it get better?" She found herself whispering those words. The unstoppable steams of tears and pent up emotions are starting to make her feel weary. 'How do you make the pain stop… Please! It hurts…' Her fears held a death grip on her heart, causing her physical pain. Breathing turned into short sharp gasps.
You little heart broken thirteen year old me
'Love yourself; fight for yourself… Don't let them get you.' Words she said to herself when everything fell apart rang loudly in her head. 'Nothing can hurt you unless you let it…' The attempt to quiet down and stop this embarrassing sobbing failed. 'This is stupid…'
A thought to turn off the stereo came to her mind. 'That's right, no more of this shit…'
"This is not happening..." She told herself as she sat up, trying to shake the last miserable thoughts away.
You're laughing
But you're hiding
"…what?"
Caught unguarded, she gasped in surprise.
God I know that trick too well
Those sly smiles, that confident smirk; the aloof looks that she displayed on a daily basis. When mask that hid her emotional scars was lifted, all that was left was a little girl who was angry at the world for abandoning her. 'What the fuck did I do…?' The song just didn't want to let her go.
Her Hime days were another episode she wished to forget. She faced a much more painful rejection when the other Hime pointed their weapons at her. She remembered those moments as if it happened yesterday. She had just started to pick up the shattered pieces of her life when that cruel joke was played upon her. Same could have been said to her lover beside her and just about all the Himes. She cursed her fate and whatever gods that arranged for that.
'I just wanted to live… That's all…' She broke down once again, her instincts told her to hold on to something; anything. Fingers clawed the sheets beneath her, holding on with a tight grip.
You forget
That I've been you
And now I'm just the shell
Images of her younger self standing before her were too real to ignore. The hurt in those green eyes yearned for concern.
"Hmm… Nao?" The sleeping woman mumbled.
I promise
I love you and
Everything will work out fine
'Would it hurt less?' She heard herself ask. 'I just wanted to be good… '
Don't try to
Grow up yet
"I just wanted to be loved…" The red head whispered between sobs, unaware that her name was called.
"Nao?"
Hearing her name, the red head hastily brush away the tears with the back of her hand. The other occupant rolled over to her side of the bed. It must have been her presence that's missing in bed that woke the other.
Ohh just give it some time
"Natsu-ki… I.." Sensing something was wrong with her voice; the said person sat up and rubbed her eyes to clear her vision. The first thing she saw was her love's teary light green eyes. She sat up immediately and pulled the girl to her and hugged her tight.
The pain you feel is real you're not asleep but it's a nightmare
But you can wake up anytime
"Hushh… I'm here… Don't cry…"
The younger girl sprawled on top of Natsuki, clutching the front of her shirt with shaking fists. She had never seen the usually confident redhead look so vulnerable before. It breaks her heart to see her so broken. She rubbed the back of Nao's back in hopes that it would sooth the crying girl. She didn't even want to ask what happened. Her top priority was to calm her lover.
Oh don't lose your passion or the fighter that's inside of you
You're the girl I used to be
The pissed off complicated thirteen year old me
The gentleness in her voice only brought more tears and pain. She choked back a sob and tried to talk but she was hushed again.
"Shh… It's alright…"
Conversations with my thirteen year old self
"N-Natsuki… Sor-ry… was mean… I hurt you…. S-Sorry"
"Shhh… You're safe now. Don't cry…"
Natsuki pushed her body up to lie against the headboard, cradling Nao in her arms and pressing soft kisses on her head. The red head took in the strong presence of her love and melted against her soft chest, listening to her heartbeat which she found to be quite soothing.
Conversations with my thirteen year old self
But what she saw before made her stiffen in that pose. The green eyes of her younger self had an angry face; one that spoke of betrayal. 'Now that you have a save haven… Are you leaving me too?' Nao cringed and shook her head.
"N-No…"
Until we meet again
Oh I wish you well oh
She squeezed her eyes shut and hid in Natsuki's chest. Seeing these incoherent actions, the azure haired young woman shook her head too and smiled. She may not know what had overcome her love, but she was sure the support she's giving her now is what she needed.
I wish you well
Little girl
"There there…"
Natsuki continued smoothing Nao's back while her other hand rested on her head.
Until we meet again
Oh I wish you well
"You're not alone…"
'She's here… She's right here with me' Nao thought to herself as she rubbed her tearstained face against Natsuki, wanting to be as close to the woman she love as possible.
"Yosh yosh… Good girl…"
Natsuki tried to reach for the box of tissues on the nightstand on Nao's side of the bed. Feeling the shuffle, Nao, like a frightened child held on to Natsuki with a death grip and choked out a word.
"D-Don't!"
"Aww… Shh… I'm not leaving… See?"
Little girl
I wish you well
Natsuki stretched and pulled a piece from the box making sure that Nao would not feel abandoned. She dried away the tears and pressed her own cheek against Nao's head.
Until we meet again
"Don't l-leave her…"
A sob threatened to erupt again. There was a little confusion with the word 'her' but Natsuki didn't bring it up.
"Shhh… I won't leave… Never."
My little thirteen year old me
"Promise…?"
"Promise."
Natsuki reassured her with a nod and sealed it with a kiss. Nao felt that her load had been lightened; her younger self turned around and started to walk away, leaving her. The young writer closed her eyes and stifled a yawn.
"Go to sleep…"
"Umm…"
Nao snuggled into her pillow, sobs died away.
"Shh… That's my good girl."
13 years old, 23 years old… It doesn't matter how old you are. Fear still gets to you at unguarded moments.
End words:
It just hit me one day, my fears and all. I cried so hard as i try to pen this down. Nao, i hope you'll get better. It took me 3 days to write and 2 days to edit... I'm not satisfied but the writer's block is killing me and I'm out of words. Drop me a review, i appreciate that. Let's share a hug.