Sitting upon his desk in the Torchwood base the Doctor spun around in his chair impatiently. As much as he loved the world to be at peace , it was boring. Really boring. He was used to adventuring ,sitting down doing desk work was not his forte. It was driving him insane. He yelled in frustration, gripping his hair. Rose sighed a little as she heard his frustrated yell, so familiar. Here he goes again, and soon there'll be hell to pay.
"There's no use moanin', it's not going to make it grow any faster." she called back over the side of her cubicle, referring to the piece of TARDIS that had been given to them a year before by the Other Doctor (Rose felt a pang every time she tried to call him that, he was the original, after all) and it had grown to half the size of a fridge.
"It might!" He rolled along on his chair , his lengthy legs dangling off the edge. " Please tell me you are nearly as bored as I am." He asked as he entered her cubicle, where she had been actually dutifully doing her work.
Rose tried not to smile. She sucked on her bottom lip. "Not now, I have to analyze these Hypextradon chromosomes, they think they have a new advanced way of doubling, and I have actual work to do."
"Ugggh!" He leaned back on his chair. He also had plenty of work to do , as evident by the growing pile of paper work he had growing on his desk. And the long list of impatient emails from several members of staff requesting his work on the thermodynamics of a newly emerged black hole. He never had been good with deadlines. Pete was such as slave driver. "Tonight ,we are going out for dinner."
Rose raised an eyebrow, a habit she'd picked up from spending so much time with the king-of-left-eyebrow-raising himself. "You never used to have such a problem with research." Rose started to say, but she bit her tongue when she remembered it was the OTHER Doctor who had researched with such a thirst, and it was probably the human but that was reluctant. Not like her Doctor. Rose mentally shook herself. 'Her' Doctor. Stop that. He had abandoned her on that beach, and even though it had been a year, that longing for the man she fell in love with kept a wedge between- Doctor 2.0 and her from REALLY being together. Oh, they'd bonded, absolutely. She had been harsh to him for a while, refusing to accept him. She could still see the absolutely wounded look he'd given her when she had seemingly tossed him away, refusing to look at him. She knew he still hurt from that. Now they were good friends, innocently flirting, but they were both bruised and damaged, and she knew he still ached for his TARDIS every day. Nothing had 'happened happened' yet, but the palpable tension remained innocently unspoken. It's just probably him being antsy without traveling through time and space that has made him disinterested in his work, that's all. Rose convinced herself. Instead she laughed. "So say you? We both know my dad may have other plans- and your paperwork looks like it'll keep you here all night." she nodded at the huge stack of papers.
Trying to hid his disappointment he kept up a jolly façade, he grinned, frozen. "Another night then?" He scooted back to his cubicle. Perhaps he should do his work. He understood why she rejected him but it didn't soften the blow. He wasn't her Doctor and he knew he never would be. The look in on her face every time she saw him from the corner of her eye screamed relief and joy when she would briefly forget that he wasn't her Doctor. Soon that look would be replaced by sorrow at her abandonment. He knew they would never have the relationship she had experienced with the Doctor , but that didn't stop him longing for to accept him. In saying that he never pushed her. He understood her pain and he would never throw himself upon her. He was willing to remain by her side as a friend for the rest of his life. All he wanted was for her to be happy. Sighing to himself he picked up the first stack of papers and began reading through the words ,trying to blot out his thoughts.
She saw the wounded glint in his eye again and noticed how his peppiness almost deflated. "Hey," she called back, almost hesitantly. "Another night, okay?" she smiled, almost sadly. She cleared her throat. "The- the TARDIS coral is doing well though, don't you think? What's the Time Lord opinion?" she changed the subject, putting extra emphasis on the words 'Time Lord', almost as if to say, you are him. It's okay.
Dropping the papers to the table he mused for a moment , running his fingers through his (glorious) hair. " She seems to growing well enough , once she is fully grown I`ll have to teach her the ropes. That`ll take a while , stubborn things." He muttered the last part. He appreciated the `Time lord` comment , but he knew she was doing it to be kind. She was so kind , that was one of the many factors he adored about her.. Focus. He shook his head in an attempt to clear it.
"Good, good. So how soon do you think she'll be ready?" Rose asked, trying to stem the awkward sadness.
He leaned back in his chair. " A couple of years maximum. Its a slow and long process. But worth the wait." He finished trying his best not to seem to heavy. He would act fine , he didn't want his angst dragging her down.
Rose nodded and went back to typing, but couldn't concentrate. She felt strangely gutted, actually. A few moments passed until she stood and leaned over the cubical and snatched the Doctor's papers from his hands. "Oi, change of plans." she said playfully. "Forget the bloody paperwork. Let's ditch for an hour, there's always something if we poke our nose in a few places where Torchwood hasn't." Her mood change was sudden and falsely chipper, but seeing him suddenly depressed would do that. She knew he already had other things to be sad about besides... "them", if there even was a them. She knew he had nightmares they both never mentioned.
His trademark grin stretched out onto his face , his dark eyes lighting up behind his glasses. "What do you have in mind Miss Tyler?" He asked leaning forward on his elbows. He could see the false happiness glimmer in her eyes. she was worried. Of course she was , worrying was what she did best. It was a surprise to him she hadn't already gone grey from stress. He would play along though , he didn't have it in his heart to reject her. Even though she had done so , so many times.
"Well, I don't know. You're the expert." She came around to his cubical and perched on his desk, like she had on the console when she was still practically a child, before the years had matured her and made her buckle down to be a professional adult. "Weren't you fiddling with some homemade device last night? Said it was a tracking device, but you were kinda out of it. Mum said you'd been up all night.
"Ah" Curse Jackie and her beady eyes. " it`s just a little project I`m working on. I like to keep my hands busy." He wiggled his fingers for effect. " I`ll show you it when its done. It`s a surprise." He made no attempt to explain his lack of sleep. Like the `real` Doctor he wasn't one for expressing feelings and fears. He wouldn't want to worry her anyway , it has his job to worry about her , not the other way round. But her words were true , he was exhausted. Peaceful sleep had been evading him for a while and it was beginning to take a toll on him. He was terrible in the mornings. Rose shifted and stood up off the desk, coming around to his other side. "A surprise?" she smiled, ignoring the hollowness around his eyes.
"Not sure if I should like the sound of that or not." Rose laughed a little. "So is there any other gadget you've got up your sleeve we could use to find something? If you're so bored, what do you want to do that could get SOME work done? Come on," she nudged his shoulder playfully, feeling the boniness painfully noticing that he'd lost even more weight. If he was skinny before, he was nearly emaciated now. "I know you." she said, saying this purposefully to reassure him. It was the least she could do after how horrible she had been to him those first few months. "You're twitching to go investigatin' or runnin' around aimlessly. Your choice."
"Well," He spoke sheepishly "I couldn't help notice an 'unusual signal' coming from the basement." He pulled what looked like a calculator from his pocket." So I did some tinkering , made this." He shook the item. " It's emitting a beta base code of some sort, nothing I've seen before. Wanna check it out?" He stretched, his aching joints clicking painfully as he did so.
"Do you even need to ask?" Rose smiled a bit more genuinely as she saw that familiar glint in his eye. She hadn't seen that glint for a long time, and she hadn't realized how empty his eyes had looked without it.
That smile. He loved that smile , the way her cheeks perked. It was very distracting. How did the Doctor manage not to turn into a dribbling mess on the floor was beyond him. But even so the smile was half hearted. He made it his mission today to make her smile genuinely. Perhaps then he could sleep soundly tonight. Yes that was a good aim for today. Better than yesterday's, at least, (explain to Rose how he felt and that he didn't mind etc, he never did achieve that one). Getting to his feet he ignored his muscles protesting , he really should of been taking better care of himself , surely she had noticed his deterioration. Another goal for today , have a proper lunch. "Well then, let's do this!"
"Great!" Rose smiled again, and casually added, "Let's stop for some lunch on the way, I've been craving chips."
2005. The first day she had spent with him. They had been to the end of the world and back, and the other Doctor, the one with the intense blue eyes and funny ears had asked her- would she like to stay? Then they'd gone and had fish and chips together, a day they would reminisce lying on the apple grace on the paradise that was New New New New New New New New New New New New York. "Our first date." Rose had laughed. The Doctor had smiled fondly. "We had chips."
He scowled. "Sure." Striding through the offices , he keep peering over his shoulder as slyly as he could to ensure , she still remained behind him. Surely she wouldn't abandon him now? She`s done worse , he reminded himself. Shush. Approaching the lift he stabbed at the button.
She cocked her head at his sudden violent movements. "You okay?" Rose asked softly, coming up beside him. What a stupid question. Of course he wasn't okay. "If you don't like chips anymore, we could get something else." she said hesitantly. "I just thought... like the... old days. You know, like after our first trip together." Rose felt stabs of pain but she said it casually. This was the closest they'd been to the subject since the first month, some biting words she'd said that he didn't respond to.
"Chips are fine." He had lost his appetite , well that aim had already gone down the toilet. Great start. Stepping into the lift, he waited for her to enter before , with effort to make his motions languid , pressing the basement button. He peered at her as she stood beside him , it looked to him that she was maintaining as much distance as she could from him in the small space. It didn't look like he was going to make any progress on his other aim. He really was pathetic.
The silence between them was awkward again. One minute they could be laughing and joking and the next, walking on eggshells. He had always had strokes of depression, more frequently back at the beginning when they'd first met- and not just THIS version of him. In very beginning, with the blue eyed, quieter Doctor, he would have quiet, burning moments. He would have nightmares of the Time War. The periods of depression and the nightmares had decreased into almost nothingness, until the day of Canary Wharf. Now this Doctor- the human one- was rarely anything but. The dreams were coming back again. She sometimes heard him cry out in his sleep. Rose cleared her throat. "This signal, how is it irregular exactly?"
"It keeps fluctuating. Which isn't unusual in itself , but the levels in rises and drops to. Almost off the scale." He only managed to catch her question , his mind was wondering as it usually did. Why was he even bothering? No , none of that. Maybe he should see a psychiatrist. That could help. But there was only one person he wanted to speak to and she wasn't ready to hear the words he longed to say.
"And it's happening right in the basement of Torchwood? Hasn't anyone else noticed it if it's happening right under our noses
"You don`t notice things if you don`t look for them." He murmured. Pulling his thingymabob ( he hadn't come up with a name for it yet , it was a work in progress) out of his pocket he read the jumbled letters and numbers on the screen. " It`s pretty low now .Undetectable to everything but this." He peers around not seeing anything of interest in the local area. " We should split up , cover more ground." It would be easier to think without her presence clouding his vision.
"Tryin' to get rid of me?" she asked playfully, but she really felt a sickening weight in the pit of her stomach. "Huh? I thought havin' fun was the entire point, if I wanted to be alone and efficient, I would've stayed upstairs working on the bloody doubling of the Hypextradon chromosomes." It was reassuring that she hadn't ditched him , it was a test of sorts so see how she reacted, he had expected her to agree and wander off on her own devices. Did he have reason to hope? "True." He bobbed his head. "It should be easy enough to spot , might glow , flash , hum. Anything alieny." He yet again deliberately chose to not reply to the former question. He didn't really want her to go. She was smart enough to know that.
"I'd think the security cameras would pick up something obviously-" she dropped her tone to that of the Doctor's, imitating his warbling voice, "'alieny.'"
"Maybe its hidden?" He spoke as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. Though he couldn't help the smirk that appeared on his face in response to her mimicking. It was terrible but funny nonetheless.
"Maybe." Rose laughed in a slightly mocking tone that clearly said, "Nooooo, really?" They walked a little ways, throughout the stacks of old boxes and alien junk. "Where'd you say the signal was the strongest?"
He threw her the thingymabob. "You tell me." He came to a stop and shoved his hands in his pockets.
Rose studied the strange numbers that spiked across the calculator's screen. She spun clockwise, and the numbers decreased. "Judging by the numbers and symbols..." a cube sign showed up next to the numbers. "The numbers go up more in the directions the signals are more irregular, they're tripled over here." Genius in it's simplicity, really.
He REALLY couldn't help the grin that spread across his face. This was what his life was about. Extending his hand out to her , his fingers wiggling with a silent offer. He had wanted to give her room , a chance to decide for herself but he just couldn't help himself.
This was the Doctor she would used to, the one who was guiding her. He had been so... unconfident lately, so hesitant around her. Even now, every movement of his screamed nervousness. He was dying for her to take his hand, begging, pleading with his eyes. But as Rose saw that little finger wiggle, on that hand outreached, the past lurched at her.
It was christmas. Ashes from the Sycorax ship fell like snow into his new hair. He grinned and reached out for her, wiggling his fingers comically. "It's still so weird." she'd laughed, taking it. "It's gonna be fantastic." he'd smiled hugely. She had still been so young back then, still healing from the death of the first Doctor she fell in love with, but she had faith. Faith that it was the same man. Why couldn't she accept it now, when he was even more similar to the Doctor she knew than the Doctor had been like the Doctor back then... her thoughts made no sense.
She forced herself back to the present and forced herself to grab his hand. She squeezed it. "Run?" Rose smiled
The time between the offer and the acceptance felt like a lifetime to him but GOD was it worth the wait. For a moment he had feared she would recoil in disgust. But she hadn't! Perhaps she had needed that little push , that little reminder that he still was her Doctor , despite the lack of two hearts. He could be her Doctor! He would be if she allowed , and from how tightly she griped his hand in hers all signs were looking good. "Oh yes!" He said huskily , in the identical manner in which the Doctor had always done.
They ran together, hand in hand through the dark basement, and though Rose kept her eyes on the "thingymabob", she could feel gratitude. The look of absolute relief he'd given her was nearly heartbreaking, but in the dark she could almost imagine it was like old times. She wasn't even looking where she was really going, partly because she couldn't bring herself to look at the Doctor's face in fear of breaking the spell, when the calculator's old screen suddenly flashed to 99999999999999 cubed, and then "syntax error". Rose stopped. "I think we're on it."
"Ohhh." Still clinging onto her hand- the mere thought of letting go seeming ridiculous to him- he took the machine into his other hand. He rattled it a couple of times. "I think you`re right." Peering around , pulling Rose with him as he did , his eyes narrowed on a seemingly uninteresting item. "Wow." He breathed. The small shard had several lights that flashed in unison, lighting up the dimly lit corridor. "You are beautiful."
Rose breathed as the strange thing bounced light around the room like a kaleidoscope. "I thought we only kept useless things down here. What the hell is it?" She leaned closer to stare at it, felt the warmth of his skin so near hers. "It doesn't seem to be alive... even if it had something inside it, they would've removed it, not let it rot away down here or possibly wreak havoc."
He dropped the thingymabob , having lost all interest in it.
"Of course they would think you are useless." He cooed. "But you are not! You are lovely." Picking it up in his spare hand he gleamed , enjoying the gentle vibrations it made as he held it. " Do you know what this is?" He showed it to her, handling it very carefully as if he feared it would break. He didn't give her a chance to respond. "It`s an emotional harmonizer. It brings everything that is good in you , memories , feelings , to the surface. They were often given as gives, often to the bereaved to help them remember the good times." He felt it in his hand. He remember the time he stepped out of the TARDIS , dressed in glorious jamies , the look of relief on her face as she turned away from the Sycorax to smile at him. Only at him. The time in which they stood staring at each other at either end of the road , having not seen each other since... The look of utter adoration and relief at seeing him once more. The time on the beach , when the Doctor said good bye for the second time. When he has said those words he had so longed to say. He smiled and passed it over to her. "Here."
Rose looked surprised. "You can't give it to me." she whispered, pressing it back into his hands, smiling slightly. "I always remember the good times. I'm not the one who needs it." She closed his fingers around it.
"Just being around it effects you." He pushed it back into her hands. He wanted her to feel it. "Must of been calling out. It needs to help , thats what it does. Must of sensed the... negative emotions and started calling attention to itself." he murmured nearly inaudibly. She turned it over and over in her hands. "Negative emotions, huh?" she murmured almost inaudibly. Rose tried to catch his eye again, but he was looking away, pretending to be absorbed in his damned thingymabob. She wanted to say something, confront him over his sleepless nights and dead eyes, but she didn't really know what to say. Maybe over lunch, once she got food into him. She couldn't remember the last time she saw him eat, very unlike him, who, up until recently, had always had a habit of putting things in his mouth. "How 'bout those chips, eh?" Rose coughed awkwardly.
He smiled, taking the shard back into his hands , which with much adoration he placed into his pocket. "I was hoping you would say that." Refusing to let go of her hand , he led the way back to the lift. This time at a leisurely stroll. He couldn't help but swing their hands between them. He wasn't sure if the emotional harmonize wasn't working it's magic or it was Rose's warm hand in his that kept a grin upon his face.
The weird little shard really seemed to be working it's magic. In a matter of seconds, the Doctor had transformed from the listless stranger she'd come to know over the last 14 months to the vivacious, energetic alien she had known for years before. Her own heart had lifted somewhat, but mostly of it's own accord when she saw him come back to life. And she gave him a genuine smile as they got in her car and drove to the nearest fish and chips shop.
Rose let him feast on his fish and chips for a few minutes, and when he had nearly finished, she wiped her hands on her napkin and took a deep breath. "Doctor," she paused, "are you... okay? And don't just say that you're always okay," she stopped him as he opened his mouth. "I just wanted to know if you needed to, you know. Talk. Or anythin'." Rose fiddled with her napkin almost self-consciously.
Damn she saw straight through him. He wasn't sure on how to approach this. Should he be blunt and tell her all of his issues; why he cant sleep at night , why he hadn't been eating , why just being around her made him a quivering mess. Or should he be subtle about it and talk around the subject. He wondered what would be the best approach. He looked up from his empty plate , she looked worried , he had been silent for quiet some time , judging how best to approach this. He trusted her , she deserved to know. He also figured that if he wanted her to trust him , to open up to him he would have to do the same. "I`m not okay." He said simply. Rose had known this, but hearing him say it was still like a punch to the gut. He- or the old Doctor at least- almost never let her see his vulnerable side. He was the warrior, the teacher who taught her everything. Even when she had heard him- the other him, the- real one- screaming in the night sometimes, he gruffly had just said he was dreaming about the time war. That was that. This Doctor and the Other Doctor both had that in common. "I know you're not." she nearly whispered. "And I reckon it's mostly my fault." His knuckles were white. "I'm sorry."
"Rose-" he tried, but she slammed her hands on the table, causing the silverware to rattle and draw attention from a few other customers in the shop. She didn't care. She could feel herself breaking away from the shard's programming, her thoughts too distressed and violent to be held down."I threw you away. After that first day, I KISSED you. I was so selfish to kiss you when you-" she stopped, blinked away tears of guilt. "I kissed you, and-" And then I was horrible to you.
It had been a week since Rose had been abandoned on Bad Wolf Bay for the second time. She had withdrawn, letting go of the Doctor's hand as it slowly hit her that he was really and truly gone. And she was left with a stranger.
The imposter had kept quiet, giving her space. But then he'd tried. Come into the living room, comforting, hopeful, silently begging for acceptance. And she'd exploded. "Don't you dare even try to tell me that you're the same, don't you dare." Rose had screamed into his face. "You might as well be a- a robot. A copy! For all I'd care, you're just as good as a new breed of Slitheen inside his skin." He was quiet as she spat in his face, but he still tried. "Rose-" He'd reached out to her. Her hand had stung after she slapped him across the face. "No! Don't you ever call me that again!" Rose had screamed until her voice was hoarse. Her name in his voice, with his face, it was an insult. The Metacrisis Doctor had been frozen like a statue, one thin hand cradling his face. She'd leaned in, and whispered venomously, "You're not him. You. Sicken. Me."
Rose rubbed her forehead back in the present. "I never said sorry."
"You don`t have to. There is nothing to forgive." He shook his head , he remembered what she had said. How much the words stung. More than that, they'd nearly killed him. He remembered that he couldn't move. Every word she said was like a slow knife, cutting and slitting. By the time she was done , he couldn't breathe. He wanted to run , he had spent his who life running away, but this time he felt like there wasn't a point. He was alone, without his beloved blue box who had stayed with him even when he'd lost everything. Now he didn't even have that. He couldn't run from words when he wanted nothing more to run to the very person how spat them at him. "I could never be angry at you."
"Well you should be, god dammit." she stood up and pushed over her empty basket of chips. "You used to get angry at me! Remember?! You almost left me behind, you called me a stupid ape, remember?" How she wanted to hear him say that again. It would be the old Doctor, not this passive, helpless man she'd reduced to nothing with her foul looks, burning words. Rose sat again, calmly. "Don't say there is nothing to forgive, because if you don't at least- at least accept that I'm saying sorry, I'll never be able to look at you again." she pleaded.
His eyes narrowed , pulling the shard out of his pocket he dropped it on the floor and stomped on it. It was clouding his judgement. Everything was hazy ,everything was pink and fluffy. He shook his head , feeling it`s influence seep away. Rose flinched as the thing turned to trash. It had been making him better, why did she always have to ruin everything?
"I forgive you." He took her hand and laid a kiss on her knuckle. "If it's any consolation I do not regret kissing you on the beach. And to be honest I wouldn't mind doing it again."
"You can't just do that. You have to be angry, or you're useless. Just a little bit, that's all." She jerked her hand away. "We've been putting this off for too long. Tell me, please. Just tell me."
He shrugged. "Do you want me to yell at you?" He turned to the audience they had seemed to have gathered. They seemed to be troubled by his glare and tried to as nonchalantly as possible return to their activities " Yes I was hurt. Yes I was angry. I thought after everything I've done for you , you have the nerve to throw it in my face." The Doctor never raised his voice, that was the worst thin, it remained cold. "But no, I don`t hate you. You were the first face this face had seen. Well. Technically." he winced a little, remembering he wasn't truly that face."But I was created for you, literally. I don't have it in me to hate you. But you know what? I thought I'd be patient, I thought I'd be the mature one. But no you had to cling onto you false ideals that I was a monster just because you couldn't have your own way. Happy?" He finished waiting for her reaction. Desite his calm voice, his thin shoulders heaved.
It hurt to hear him say it, but it was a good sort of pain. She was losing her grip on the world. Rose opened her mouth- to say sorry? to thank him?- when an enormous boom shook the earth. For a brief moment, she was flying, hurtling around tables and silverware and chips and she could see the Doctor's shocked expression as he reached out for her in the air, and suddenly remembered what a tall dark stranger had once told her. The entire planet is hurtling around the sun at 67,000 thousand miles an hour and I can feel it. Rose watched as, almost in slow motion, the napkins and silverware almost seemed to hover in the air. We're falling through space, you and me. The man who felt like a stranger reached out for her, mouthed her name in surprise. Clinging to the skin of this tiny little world, and if we let go... She couldn't let go, though. Couldn't let go of that first proper Doctor with two hearts in the blue box. That's who I am.
Now forget me, Rose Tyler.
It gets better, I promise! Keep in mind, it's an RP so we usually don't plan it out or anything and all these ideas are on the fly. I've lightly edited it to have better starting/ending points and edited out some unneeded detail to make it more "fic"like, and less RP-like. But stick around! Angst, fluff, and smut are all in here! :D