Define Nothing
He smiled gently. "Don't worry. You're human-your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind."
"And your memories?" I asked. It sounded like there was something caught in my throat, like I was choking.
"Well…"-he hesitated for a short second-"I won't forget. But my kind…we're very easily distracted."
-
I tried to breathe normally. I needed to concentrate, to find a way out of this nightmare.
"Goodbye, Bella," he said in the same quiet, peaceful voice.
"Wait!" I choked out the word, reaching for him, willing my deadened legs to carry me forward.
I thought he was reaching for me, too. But his cold hands locked around my wrists and pinned them to my sides. He leaned down, and pressed his lips very lightly to my forehead for the briefest instant. My eyes closed.
"Take care of yourself." He breathed, cool against my skin.
There was a light, unnatural breeze. My eyes flashed open. The leaves on a small vine maple shuddered with his passage.
He was gone.
Nothing, I thought. nothing, nothing, nothing. My hand clenched the ballpoint pen. Nothing could stop me today. I knew that going through with this wouldn't mean a thing to me afterward, but right now it meant everything.
I moved on to the next question. 'Please state the names of any spouses here.' It said. My stomach lurched, but I forced my hand to write
None.
I sighed. The questionnaire would be over soon, I couldn't put it off any longer. I honestly didn't want to forget about Edward. My memories with him were sweet, but they sent spikes of pain through me when I thought of them. Memory loss seemed like the only reasonable thing to do at this point.
I knew that he had left and that he was never coming back. I knew that I would never forget him as he said I would. My situation reminded me of a movie I saw not too long before I met him. I wanted my memory erased so I wouldn't remember my love, just like the man in the movie.
I finished the questionnaire and handed it to the receptionist. She looked over it dully and told me to take a seat.
As if I hadn't been tortured enough.
I sat in one of the red identical chairs, staring at the wall. I knew that if I waited long enough, I would come up with an excuse not to do this. It seemed like an eternity until my name was called.
"Isabella Swan?" a woman in a white coat stepped through the door, holding a clipboard.
"That's me." I said quietly. I stood up stiffly, but my feet didn't move. The woman smiled and said, "There's nothing to be afraid of, dear."
I took a step, then another, and another. Soon I was in a small white room with a wooden desk. The woman sat me down and walked over to her side of the desk. She spoke to me like I was a child.
"Isabella, my name is Dr. Clarkson, but you can call me April."
I nodded.
"Now, you already know that we are going to be removing certain memories from your head. The only problem is that we don't know which ones to erase. Do you mind telling me?" The way she spoke aggravated me. She talked slowly, as if I had mental problems and didn't understand what she was trying to say.
I ran her words through my head. Which memories? The ones involving him. I knew what I was supposed to be saying, but I couldn't will myself to say it. She stared at me, waiting for a response.
I knew that if I told her, she would try to get more information about him. I knew that I would have to tell her what he was like, and I couldn't do that. Not without my lunch coming back up, anyways. I took a deep breath, even though it shot pain through my scratchy throat.
It hurt, but I managed to choke out, "Edward." As soon as I did, I regretted it.
"Who?"
My mouth twisted into a forced smile. It just might have been believable if the rest of my face wasn't in complete horror. I knew that I would have to tell her sooner or later. "A…" A boy. A god. A person who ripped apart my heart, telling me that time would fix everything. My throat closed up as my eyes welled with tears.
Dr. Clarkson hurriedly rushed over to me. "Oh, Honey, it's okay. I know it's hard. Just let it all out." Her voice instantly went from annoying to comforting. I allowed the tears to come, to well up over my eyes and to fall down my face.
"He…left…" I managed to speak between my sobs. He left and took everything with him. He said goodbye as if nothing had happened between us. He went to someplace else; someplace far away from me.
Dr. Clarkson stroked my hair reassuringly. She hummed melodies, which would have calmed me down if it weren't for the memories it brought back. My lullaby. My beautiful lullaby, so sweetly hummed from him when I was in distress. But now he wasn't here to comfort me, and all I had was a stranger.
My crying slowed gradually, and when it stopped, I realized that if I just came out and told her as quickly as I could, the whole thing would be over in no time. Dr. Clarkson walked back to her chair. She sat facing me, then, with the same tone, said, "Are you ready to talk now, dear?"
I grimaced. This could be easy if I wanted it to be. I swallowed hard, then spoke.
"His name was Edward."
Even that was enough to make me feel horrible. She eyed me carefully, as if one wrong word could send me into hysterics.
"And…" she pushed, trying to squeeze out enough information.
"And…" I tried to keep my expression calm, but a ripple of pain shot across my face as I said, "I love him."
She continued on, obviously not noticing that I was anxious to be finished.
"And he loves you too?"
Every inch of my body ached to deny what I was about to say, but I knew that it was true.
"Loved."
She understood immediately and began to type out the details. I began to feel queasy as I realized that if they would erase my memories, they would have to see them, too. And they would see him in the sun. And they would find out his family's secret. I shook my head slowly. I couldn't do that to them.
"Is there some way that you can erase my memories…without seeing them? They're really…private."
Dr. Clarkson looked at her computer and fell silent.
"There is a way…but there might be some flaws…"
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Some memories might slip out of our grasp…such as the way his face looks, or some place that you went together. It would simply be something that you would remember, but have no idea about."
I nodded. That would work. I wouldn't mind remembering his face, even if I didn't know who it was.
I did everything in my power not to think of his face, but it worked it's way into my mind anyway. His bronze hair, his pale skin, it was all so overwhelming. I shut my eyes as tight as they would go as I tried hard not to think of his face, but all I saw behind my eyelids were his perfect nose, his perfect lips…
"I want that one." I said.
"Okay. But I warned you. Some memories that slip may be stronger than others." She typed some more, then stood up. "I'll be waiting in the hallway for you. Take as much time as you need."
A few moments later, I was dazed from the sudden memories of us in the meadow for the first time, and how strange he had acted.
I put my head in my hands. Remembering was painful, but I wanted to remember him as much as I could before I could never remember him again.
My eyes shut, and everything played in my mind like a movie.
The first day I saw him, I remember thinking that he hated me. Oh, how wrong I was. And the first time that he kissed me. My breath caught. I could remember his cold hands seizing my face as he kissed me gently. He was always so gentle. Never wanting to exceed his limit.
And then there was prom. My eyes watered as I remembered standing on his feet as he gracefully danced like I never could. Like I never would. I smiled. It was a strange smile. It wasn't because I was happy, or glad or anything like that. I just knew that after this, everything would be so much easier.
I would actually be able to sleep, and I would have actual friends again.
Charlie didn't know about where I was right now, and I was hoping that he wouldn't find out. I was hoping that he would just think that I finally got over the concept of…
Edward.
I could think his name with ease. I sat up straight, staring at the wall again. I could actually think his name without feeling the knives through my chest. Knowing that I would forget all about him soon made everything seem easy.
"Edward." I spoke his name out loud. "Edward."
A large smirk crossed my face. This was stupid, and I knew it. Talking to the wall like I was. But I imagined him there in front of me, staring into my eyes. It didn't hurt to imagine.
"Edward. I can say your name without feeling pain now." I took a deep breath and held it.
"Edward, I'm erasing my memories of you. You hurt me way too much and I can't stand it. I love you. But obviously only I feel that way." I
I couldn't believe myself, talking to nothing. I laughed once, then stood and strode out the door, only to find Dr. Clarkson waiting for me across the hall.
I walked up to her quietly, and said
"I'm ready."