A/N: so this it the first one which i think is very very suiting for MA, season 3 ish angst every time i hear it they pop in my head.
Song: Hurt by Christina Aguilera
Hurt
Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today
It was over. Finally the war was over and they were free to be who they were. Transgenics. The cheers and celebrations resounded in the room and Max couldn't help but smile at the scene. Even Mole was... Smiling? She couldn't help but smirk at him with a raised eyebrow in question, which he returned with a wink. Euphoria probably got to him like everyone else. The day they'd been waiting for was finally here. All the months and years of negotiations finally paid off but not without its casualties. One of them being her relationship with Logan which seem to be more destructive than constructive. But she wasn't going to sulk and be sad today, she was going to smile and be happy relish every bit of the moment and hold it to memory.
Alec made his way to her but she couldn't stop the frown invading her features. It was always like him to ruin a good moment for her. Taking a deep breath she tried her best to be civil. The smile that lit his face said a lot of things, but the one that stood out above the rest was pride. He was proud of her, but again she couldn't bring herself to be happy about it since he'd almost cost her this moment.
"Well Maxie you did it," leaning on the rail next to her, happiness shining in his golden green eyes and radiating from his body in waves
Rolling her eyes she gave him a disinterested look and walked away. He couldn't expect her to be happy about it could he? Even as she walked out she could feel his hurt gaze piercing her back in question, but she didn't turn back. If she'd turned around she would have seen it. His dark head hung and his shoulders slumped trying not to break yet again because of her but, failing.
I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I want to call you but I know you won't be there
Looking back now, she would have done things very differently. She would have gone to him even if she was avoiding him and he was doing the same. Hoed him and just take the pain that was haunting him away. The pain she'd caused by shunning him and acting like he didn't exist. Part of the victory and credit for their freedom was his after all. If he hadn't risked being killed so he could save a family trapped inside a dilapidated building on fire, the government wouldn't have reconsidered there tough stance. It after all got the media to spin a good story for them to the public and the government giving them no choice but to give them what they wanted. Freedom.
She couldn't help let a tear fall as she remember how she'd justified her action by throwing back his past mistakes in his face. Remembering the hurt that had shined in his tear filled eyes as he smirked and walked away, trying his best to act like she hadn't told him what a screw up he is and all the things he'd done to get her to forgive him hadn't counted at all.
The didn't seem to see the boundaries of her eyelids as they sneaked past and made another trail down her face.
A knock sounded on her office door as she was finishing up some paper work. She'd specifically said she didn't want to be disturbed for a while but that didn't seem possible, "this better be good!"
Looking up from the paper work she wasn't surprised it was him interrupting her, scowling she spoke, "just get to the point I have a ton of work to get through," returning to scanning the documents she'd been reading before he'd walked in.
"Senator Jackson has personally asked me to do a mission with the military and oversee some training and I said yes I'm leaving tomorrow at 07:00 hours," his tone devoid or any emotion as he spoke. He wasn't asking permission, he was telling her.
She stopped scanning the document and look up, "since you went around me, I'm wondering why you are even bothering to tell me," deciding anger was the best emotion, because the only other ones available were shock and hurt.
"Just thought I should let you know," he smirked, "it's something called courtesy," leaning on the door frame watching her return to work.
His eyes were on her, still trying to get a read on her and she didn't want to portray how much she was bothered by it. "Well at least you did something right," she mumbled.
"Don't work too hard Maxie, because all work and no play makes you such a dull girl," was his last comment before walking out. He had been expecting something but, he didn't seem to have gotten it because he slammed the door slightly on his way out.
All she really wanted was to hear his voice again, the way amusement and playfulness were ever in his tone. She'd called him a few times. Sometimes she'd wait until he said hello before hanging up and sometimes it had been his voice mail. It was a daily ritual but she wouldn't admit to herself because she didn't want to admit she missed his voice. But she couldn't do that anymore because she knew he wouldn't answer, and his voice mail wouldn't pick up.
I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you
Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just want to hide 'cause it's you I miss
You know it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this
She'd always blamed him for things she couldn't have done. She blamed him for having Ben's face because she felt guilty about not being able to save him. She blamed him for not being able to love Logan the way he wanted, because he'd lost the cure and for Logan's jealously toward him, when in reality all those thing were on her. She was the one who couldn't save Ben and she was the one who couldn't love Logan the way she thought she did.
By hurting Alec she'd hurt herself and she knew it. By hurting him, she'd pushed him to the limits of leaving and now she felt empty. Her heart was breaking inside of her everyday since she'd got the news, but she still didn't want to admit it, to herself or anyone.
As much as she wanted to stay up on the Space Needle all day so no one saw her pain she couldn't. So she hide herself in her office working, knowing she was only feeling the way she did because it was him she missed.
Somehow she had magically thought he'd reconsider and stay, but the duffel bag slung on his shoulder and the military Hum Vs rolling in behind him told her nothing had changed. He was still leaving,"the calvary has arrived," she commented arms crossed over her chest in a show of casualness but in truth it was for protection, and her hip tipped to the side in her usual show of nonchalance, but it was a weak attempt to show she didn't care when she did.
"Well hate to keep the entourage waiting," he said after an uncomfortable moment of silence. She knew he was waiting for her to tell him to stay and not to go. Giving her a last chance.
For a moment she wanted to run to him throw her arms around him tightly, and cry her eyes out asking him not to go. But she didn't have the courage to do that, in fact she wanted to remain with the little pride she had left by let him go."Yeah military types tend to get cranky," she tried a weak attempt at humor to make herself seem happy even though she was crying inside.
As Joshua moved in and took him into a bear hug, "Alec not go?" he begged his voice filled with pain at losing his brother. Max had to avert her eyes or the tears that she had been fighting not to shed would break free, making the masquerade of being OK known.
"Josh," Alec said fighting to keep his voice steady as if knowing she was listening in, and thinking it was deplorable to show someone who didn't care weakness. Clearing his throat he corrected his voice, "I'll be back before you know it. Maybe even have more art sense that drawing stick people with oval heads," throwing in his usual humor, which didn't seem to help because Joshua just let out a pained whine.
She could here him say his goodbye to the rest as he got closer to her. He seemed to have a lot to say to everyone, even Mole who'd slipped in a request for more Cubans. Standing in front of her, he shifted uncomfortably but put on a smirk, "Goodbye Max," he let out a tight smile before walking away and into the Hum V. A goodbye felt so final, and it was even worse when it was so impersonal. But how could she expect different when it had come to this?
Sobs racked her body uncontrollably as she continued to watch the news. The volume was turned on high but it wouldn't have made a difference if she'd been watching it on mute.
Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes and see you looking back
All she wanted even though it may hurt, was for him to walk through the door and tell her how wrong she was, call her out on all her mistakes if it made things even the slightest bit ok. She wanted him to help her understand how she felt and how it wasn't a mistake. She just wanted one more chance to look into his beautiful pools of hazel greens shining with amusement or mischief. But she knew it was just to much to ask.
The footage showed the plane, dipped far into the ground, pieces of it strewn everywhere. At the bottom were steaming feeds and in capitals were the words NO SURVIVORS.
I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself
If I had just one more day, I would tell you how much that
I've missed you since you've been away
If he walked through the door, this time she wouldn't hesitate. She'd run to him and hold him in a tight embrace, and tell him she'd missed him everyday since his been away. Tell him she loved him and she wouldn't be scared to say she was sorry for blaming him and for hurting him.Even if it was only for a day, she would give anything to have him back and turn back time
Oh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line to try to turn back time
But then it was even dangerous to her heart and for her sanity to think she could or even turn back time. Because in reality, she'd had her chance and she'd blown it right out of the water. But she just couldn't help hope he'd somehow survived and was at the moment coming home. Coming back to her.
I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself
Her heart began hammering in her chest as she heard the soft footsteps making there way to her apartment. Stealthy and catlike not wanting to be known. No she couldn't hope, because she would just get hurt again, but she heard them stop and could practically picture a hesitant fist raised debating on whether to knock or not. In a blur she was off the couch across the room and at the door. Placing an excited smile on her face she snatched the door open.
By hurting you
A/N: So there you go angst I know, but I love me some MA angst and it come so naturally. But hopefully not too much angst for review. (hint hint.)