That Strange Feeling in the Pit of One's Squeedly Spooch.
Author: Invader Johnny.
Summary: Humans get butterflies in their stomachs, what do Irkens get in their Squeedly Spooch? ZAGR.
Disclaimer: I don't own Invader Zim, it belongs to Jhonen Vasquez, I'm just a fan of his work.
Author Notes: A friend of mine gave me this idea and allowed me to "go nuts with it" so prepare to see Zim in a twisted quest of self discovery with Gaz as his unwilling "test subject."
What can I say, I been itching to get back into writing some ZAGR and this is the end result.
It was the last day of the skool year and Miss Bitters was giving her students the last lecture of doom she would ever give them, although it was a good thing for her, in the end she would have to teach a new class on how doomed they really were, which only served to add salt to the wound as she saw it.
"Doom awaits all of you as soon as you leave this classroom. And I want you to know that, no matter what you do in the future, to make sure, that it doesn't involve me in anyway!"
The children all looked at each other, as if to ask their classmates why they would want Miss Bitters to be involved in their futures in the first place.
"Your future's will be filled with hideous implosions, and doom will follow you all, no matter where you go!" She hissed "No matter how hard you try to hide! Doom, doom, doom, doom, do-" Miss Bitters' ranting was cut off by the PA system.
"Attention students and teachers, due to the fact that they heard that Dib was going to graduate, all the middle skool teachers went on strike and the only way to get them to come back was to promise them that they would never have Dib for a student. This means that he will have to remain with the same teacher until he graduates, and so will the rest of you. That is all."
The skoolchildren (and Miss Bitters') shock soon turned to violent rage, and it was not long before they became an angry, violent mob, their target? Dib.
Said target slowly backed into a corner, whimpering, as the mob of enraged students (and one very angry teacher) surrounded him.
"Because of you, I'm going to be forced to teach you and the rest of these horrible excuses for human beings..." Miss Bitters started to rant.
"I am a human being!" yelled Zim, cutting her off. Miss Bitters glared at him for a moment before continuing with her tirade "This is worse than when I had the Anti-Christ for a student, and he blew up the skool! I should send you to the Underground Classroom, but that would be letting you off easy wouldn't it? And no one wants that."
The students continued to glare at Dib, some even giving him the "you're dead gesture."
"I have a better idea as to what to do with the likes of you."
Dib closed his eyes in horror, knowing that whatever Miss Bitters had in store for him was worse than anything he could imagine or comprehend. The mob continued to close in around him, as he tried to back further into the corner, only to be stopped by the wall. Suddenly the mob stopped, but instead of feeling relieved, more dread soon poured over him as he realized why the mob had stopped.
The voice of his sister; Gaz.
"Curse you, Dib! Curse you!" she yelled angrily, her voice shattering the windows of the classroom, "the next time I see you, you're going to wish you had Radioactive Rubber Pants marching through your giant head, instead of getting me stuck with this gay idiot of a teacher until I graduate!"
The disturbing part was that her classroom was in the other side of the skool.
When Dib opened his eyes, he saw that Miss Bitters was stopping his classmates from attacking, a cruel smirk gracing her face. "What his sister is going to do to him is much worse than anything we could do. She will torment, humiliate, and torture him in ways the rest of us couldn't even dream of. And it's all because she knows him better than anyone else. She knows his weak points, what makes him cry, how to ruin his life without even trying. That's why I love family," Miss Bitters said, floating back to her desk, secure in the knowledge that Dib's existence would not go unpunished.
As Dib sat back down, he was too scared of what Gaz was going to do to him that he didn't notice that one girl, the same girl that had given him meat on Valentine's Day, had never gotten up to join the angry mob that had tried to kill him.
Zim couldn't believe he'd just missed the chance to destroy Dib, again, it was really starting to get on his nerves. He had no idea what the Gaz-Beast was planning, but from experience he knew she wouldn't hold back when it came to matters of vengeance, it would be horrible enough for Miss Bitters to believe that it was worse than anything even she could do. He wondered if she would let him watch, or maybe she even needed some help. Dib's pain was one of his only forms of entertainment, that and the addictive earth video games.
The Irken snickered evilly, remembering the time two idiot aliens abducted the boy over the humungoserum, that was a great show.
"This time I gotta record the whole thing."
Meanwhile Gaz, who was on her quest for revenge, stormed angrily out of her classroom, where everyone (including Mr. Elliot) was still cowering in the corner, too afraid to move after her little outburst.
She couldn't believe what her idiotic brother had done this time; she knew one thing though, she was not going to stay in Mr. Elliot's class until she graduated. He was just too happy it made her sick. The principal had told her earlier in the year that she could have skipped a grade, she had declined the opportunity to spend more time around Dib than she currently did, but now she didn't have a choice, if there was one person she hated more than Dib, it was Mr. Elliot. Also, if she was in his class she might be able to keep Dib from doing (more) stupid things to ruin her life. Although, she still felt like a death row inmate, who had been given the choice of weather she wanted die in the electric chair or be hanged.
Gaz threw open the double doors to the principal's office, which, in reality, looked more like the meeting room of an evil society than the office of an elementary skool principal.
"I want to take the test to skip a grade," she said, in her usual emotionless tone, not letting onto how angry she actually was.
"So you've come to your senses, good," the principal responded. He dropped his per beaver, so he could press a button from a row of sinister looking buttons and levers on the wall. As soon as he did so, a couple of tiles in the floor moved aside and a giant stack of papers came up from what Gaz assumed was the depths of the Place Beneath the Overworld.
"This is the test," he said, pointing at the stack of papers. "You have one hour. Oh, and if you don't pass, we're wiping your brain and using you to test the new food in the cafeteria."
"Umm." Gaz mused "At least if I don't pass the test, I wouldn't have to be in Mr. Elliot's class anymore."
Wiping her brain didn't seem so bad, she wouldn't remember who Dib was that way, although she wouldn't remember what video games were either. She almost shuddered at the idea of life without video games, failing obviously wasn't an option. Not that she was worried though, she never failed. She picked up the stack of papers (quite a remarkable feat considering the stack was taller than she was) and walk out of the room.
A little over five minutes later, she answered the last question.
"Finished," said Gaz as she walked back into the principal's evil looking office.
"Ok then," the principal responded, astonished, "now we'll see how you did." He pulled one of the sinister looking levers and a giant machine emerged through another space where the floor opened up to the Place Beneath the Overworld, which seemed to have a direct link to the school. The principal put the giant stack of papers into the machine and random lights on it began to flash. A few minutes later the lights stopped and a piece of paper came out of a slot on the side of the machine. The principal grabbed the piece of paper and looked at it.
"So, how'd I do?"
"You got a score of 108." The Principal replied "Odd, because the test is only out of 100 points. But that doesn't matter. You can move on to the next grade," he said. "You will be in Miss Bitters' class. So stop wasting my time and go Now!" He pointed at the door.
Gaz smirked as she headed to her new classroom, not because she was happy she had done so well and therefore would not be used for cafeteria testing, but because she had just figured out exactly what she was going to do to her brother.
Miss Bitters twitched when she heard her phone ring. She growled and pressed a button on her desk, causing yet another hole leading to the Place Beneath the Overworld to open as her phone rose up to her desk, souls escaping as it did so. She snatched the phone off the receiver. "You better be telling me I'm getting a raise" she spat angrily at the person on the other side of the phone.
Strange noises that didn't really sound like voices at all came out of phone, but Miss Bitters seemed to understand them.
"What? Another one? You'll regret this!" she seethed, slamming the phone back down on the receiver. It descended again, another soul tired to escape, only to be snatched up by a hand attached to an arm in a grey striped turned to her students. "Class, to celebrate the fact that Dib is the worst person ever to live, a new student has skipped a grade to join our class, his sister, Gaz."
As if on cue, Gaz stepped through the door at that very moment, and immediately glared at Dib.
"Hey, look at the gothic freak!" sneered Zita pointing at the younger girl. Gaz's death glare shifted to the now doomed Zita.
As if sensing why Gaz was here in the first place, Miss Bitters slithered over to his new doomed pupil.
"I can't allow you to destroy Dib in class, skool policy." She said "Instead, I will allow you to choose the student that you wish to send to the Underground Classroom,"
At that moment, Dib prayed to every deity he knew of (for some strange reason Bigfoot was on this list) that Gaz would send him to the Underground Classroom, so he would not have to face her wrath, but he knew that was impossible, his sister wasn't letting him off so easy.
For Gaz, the decision of who to send to the Underground Classroom wasn't a hard one, no one called her a gothic freak and got away with it. She raised her arm, and pointed her finger squarely at Zita.
"Good choice," praised Miss Bitters, "she talks too much." the teacher pulled the lever next to her desk, Zita screams as the floor opens up beneath her. A few seconds later the desk reappeared, however Zita did not.
Gaz smiled evilly for a moment, before taking her new seat behind Zim, aside from getting rid of Zita, there was another reason why she chose that seat, it was behind the Irken and she knew it would endlessly annoy her brother to be so close to his hated enemy, not that he would dare say anything now, seeing as he was at the top of her shit list.
Nevertheless it was an insult to injury.
For some reason as Zim watched her sit down, he got an incredibly strange feeling in the pit of his Squeedly Spooch. He disregarded it as the horrible filth that the humans called "cafeteria food." He then remembered that he was going to ask Gaz if he could watch her destroy the Dib-human after skool. He took a piece of paper and pencil out of his desk and wrote:
'You're going to destroy the Dib-human later, right?'
He then folded up the piece of paper, wrote her name on the outside, pretended to stretch his arms behind him, and dropped the note on her desk. He quickly looked up to make sure Miss Bitters hadn't noticed anything, she hadn't, the execution had been perfect. Note passing was a universal talent, no student in the universe wanted to get caught passing a note in class.
A few moments later he felt Gaz poke the back of his shoulder, causing that strange feeling in his squeedlyspooch to come back. He turned around and saw that she had the note in her hand, which was between the desks and the wall, so that Miss Bitters couldn't see it. He turned his head back to the front, so that Miss Bitters wouldn't catch on to what they where doing, and then reached his hand back to take the note from her.
Since he wasn't looking at his hand he almost dropped the note, he and Gaz both tried to catch the note and were successful, but their fingers got tangled up in the commotion.
"What in the name of the Almighty Tallest is wrong with my Squeedly Spooch?" Zim wondered "I'll need to have the computer run a diagnostic when I get home." Once they had untangled their fingers he opened the note.
'Yeah, so?"
He picked up his pencil to write again, but suddenly stopped. He had to make sure he did this right, screwing up could earn him the same fate as the Dib-human, or worse, well, maybe not worse, he doubted there was a worse. He thought it over carefully, and when he was sure he couldn't wait any longer without her getting suspicious, or worse, angry, he placed his pencil to the paper again.
'So, I was wondering if I could watch, I enjoy seeing the Dib human in pain.'
He passed the note to her again. A few seconds later gave the note back to him.
'Sure, whatever, meet me in the playground near the jungle gym at 3:01. Don't be late and more importantly don't get in my way; because if you do, what I'll do to you will make Dib look very lucky.'
Zim shuddered, he had been wrong, there was a worse, normally for him to believe he was wrong it had to be proven to him, but he decided he could live without definite proof, just this once. He clicked his pencil so that more lead came out.
'Just what are you going to do to him?'
A few seconds later she handed the note back to him and he opened it again.
'It's a surprise. But don't worry, you'll like it.'
The Irken grinned. The Gaz-Beast was defiantly the best human he had encountered in this horrible planet, although also one of the most confusing. She was the sister of the Dib-human, a relationship that he had discovered in his research was supposed to be one of unconditional love between humans, but Gaz did not appear to love Dib at all. Yes, she had rescued him once, but Zim had been under the impression that she hadn't enjoyed it, and that something of hers had been at stake.
She also seemed to hate the rest of the human race as much, if not more, than he did. He hated them, but she was one of them, or at least she seemed to be. He wondered how she could hate her entire species like that; he couldn't see himself hating all the other Irkens unless they did something horrible to him, like sending him to a planet in the middle of nowhere to die.
Zim guffawed "As if that will ever happen the Tallest respect me!"
He considered using the note to ask her, but it might make her angry. He shuddered at the idea of evoking her wrath today, the words 'What I'll do to you will make Dib look very lucky,' floated through his head.
All humans and their emotions were confusing, but Gaz more so, she didn't seem to possess any of these emotions save one, anger, and it was more deadly than the anger of seemingly all others combined.
For once, Zim's mind was on the same topic as Miss Bitters' rant, doom, but not the doom of the entire universe, rather the doom of one very unlucky human. Today was going to be a good day.
"Even if something's wrong with my Squeedly Spooch."
This is the end of the first chapter, to all Dib fans, sorry but he won't be getting much luck here, mostly because all potential lovers need a common ground and since Zim and Gaz hate him with a burning passion, he will be their cause for their potential relationship, ironic I know.
Anyway, what are your thoughts?
Invader Johnny Signing Off.