Phantom pain: Pain that is felt in a part of the body (usually an extremity) that either no longer exists due to amputation.

They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting
- Dixie Chicks

As Michael walked into the hotel room, Lincoln noticed that his brother was limping slightly. His lips were set in that grim line that told Lincoln that his stubborn brother was in pain but was trying to hide it.

Lincoln waited until Sara had left the room to grab the laptop until broaching the question. "Are you okay?" Lincoln could have slapped himself for asking such a stupid sounding question but he wasn't sure what to say. "Did they get you?" At least he didn't have to say who they were.

"I'm fine," he said too quickly and defensively for Lincoln's liking. Lincoln knew his baby brother. The more he denied it, the more likely it was that he was hiding something.

Michael glanced over at his worried brother and tried to make it to the bed as casually as possible and sat down. His left foot was throbbing slightly after the running and driving stint. It'd been aching on and off the last few weeks. Sharp pains when he was caught unaware but not so significant for him to bring it up. Its not like it's ever really lasted, Michael justified to himself.

"Are you sure?" Lincoln continued, ignoring the familiar flash of irritation crossing Michael's face. "Let me see."

"Probably just jarred it or something." He hesitated over whether to take his shoe off. He didn't want anyone to see his mutilated foot. As much as he loved Lincoln, his brother was the last person in the world that he wanted to show his foot to, knowing that Lincoln would get that haunted look in his eyes. That look which begged the words, I never asked you to give up so much for me. It wasn't a question in Michael's mind and now wasn't a good time to argue over it. They'd just been chased and he wanted to catch his breath.

Lincoln grunted in response. He didn't think it was a good idea to push Michael but went to grab a glass of water. Under the guise of drinking, he watched his brother.

Michael turned his face away from Lincoln and closed his eyes against the pain. He leaned over to undo the laces of his shoes and gingerly pulled it off. He bit his lip as his left foot just…hurt. Hurt like his toes had been cut off. He would have laughed if it wasn't the fact that they weren't there anymore but he could swear that they were hurting. When Michael removed the right boot as well, he sat on the edge of the bed in his socks and gazed at his feet. Another wave of pain and Michael put his hands over his face. He lay back on the bed like he did in the infirmary and balled his fists over his eyes. I am not going to cry. I am NOT going to cry about this. Not in front of Lincoln and Sara. He took a deep breath, trying to control the pain and the memories it bought.

Lincoln wanted to say something but he didn't know what was wrong. He didn't know what to do. He felt that he should give Michael his privacy since his brother was trying so hard to hide his pain from him. From a glance, he didn't see any life-threatening injuries or any sign of blood. Lincoln just hoped that Sara would be back soon so she could play Doctor with his brother because he had no idea how to make it better. When Michael was younger, he always hid his pain from Lincoln. It was just the way he was. His martyr personality be damned.

Michael could feel his brother looking. It was too quiet. Not wanting to see the look of pity from his brother, he rolled over on his side. Hunched slightly, trying to blink the feeling of tears away. It hurt. Along with everything in his head and he try as he might, he couldn't filter it out. He had betrayed Pope. He was unforgiven. Not that he'd expected any more but he felt so guilty. Perhaps this pain was his punishment. His atonement.

Sara burst in with the laptop. "I've got it!" Noticing the eerie quiet she was about to question where Michael was when she saw his form hunched over on the bed. Her heart lurched at the thought of Michael wounded. Again. Why is it that he always has to suffer? Don't jump to conclusions. Maybe he's just sleeping…"Is he alright?" She asked Lincoln hesitantly.

Lincoln didn't want to comment as he wasn't sure if Michael was aware. He really didn't need another argument. He was still shockedangryhurtscared that his baby brother would turn himself in for him in a heartbeat. He settled for a safer answer. "Um…maybe you should go ask him yourself." He added in a low voice, "I think it's his left foot."

Sara's eyes widened. "I see."

"I'll get the computer set up," Lincoln offered, trying to give them some space. He met Sara's gaze and gave her a grateful look before taking the laptop off her.

Sara could see that Michael was trembling. "Michael." No response. She put her hand on his shoulder. "Michael. What's wrong?"

"I'm fine," he mumbled, not looking at her. "Nothing's wrong."

"Don't lie to me Michael."

A long pause. She sighed. "Michael."

"Its just my toes...it doesn't matter." His voice was choked up, making him sound funny.

"It does matter. Let me see."

He shook under her gentle hand, laughing bitterly. "You can't."

"Can't?" Sara's brow furrowed in confusion. "As in you can't show me? Or you won't show me?"

"Can't," he repeated. He slowly pulled himself in a sitting position and turned to face her. "I can't because they're not there anymore." When he hugs his knees to his chest, Sara's heart almost breaks.

"Does it hurt?"

He gave another short, mirthless laugh. "Its stupid isn't it? It's not even logically possible. My toes hurt. They feel like they've been cut off but that's not possible. They're not even there anymore. Dammit. They're not even there. It doesn't make sense."

Sara puts her hand on his knee to comfort him. "Hmmm…its not uncommon to have phantom pain in the loss of limbs. So I guess this would also apply to your toes. Your brain still thinks that they are there so that's why it hurts."

Michael felt despair. Great. Just something else to add to my list of crazies. Its all in my mind.

"Its normal Michael. It happens to many war veterans." So its like we're fighting a war…"When does this start?"

"I don't know. Maybe ever since its healed or perhaps its never really gotten healed?" Michael wondered. "Its on and off. Sometimes it just aches. Other times its not so bad. Happens sometimes when I'm asleep or just waking I guess. Or when I'm really tired. It's not that bad. Really." He squirmed under the scrutiny.

Sara sighed. "You should have told me Michael. I might have been able to give you something for the pain. It sounds like your brain is still adjusting and its attacking you when you're vulnerable or semi-conscious."

"You mean my subconscious brain thinks that it's still wounded?"

"Well it could also be that the tissue may still be physically healing and your body needs time to adapt to the trauma. I'd like to take a look at it anyway to make sure its really phantom pain and not something else."

He gave her an uneasy look, glancing over at Lincoln. "I'm fine. Really. If it's all in my head, it'll be fine. It's not even hurting that much now." He gave her a pleading glance and she found it hard to be firm.

"Michael. Please. It'll put my mind at rest to know that its not some kind of infection or muscle strain." Sara said quietly, "He doesn't have to see if that's what's bothering you."

Michael nodded his assent and faced his back to Lincoln. While Sara went through her purse, he rolled his left sock off. Her gloved hands held Michael's injured foot gently. She put pressure on different points around the amputated area and asked if it hurt. Michael shook his head several times in answer. Then Sara gently massaged the sole of his foot in silence. She's so beautiful. He watched her working and blushed as she looked at him.

"How is it now?"

"The pain is gone. Thank you."

"I didn't even do anything," she said playfully.

He smiled and quickly put his sock back on.

"You don't have to be embarrassed about it. It nothing to be ashamed of."

He lowered his eyes, taking them away from her pretty face. He couldn't tell her how ugly he felt. How mutilated he was. Like his foot. That he felt tainted all over like he indelible ink all over his arms, chest and back. "Its just…ugly. I don't want anyone to see it."

Sara took her gloves off and put her hands on his face, caressing it. "It's still a part of you." She slid a hand from his face to his chest. You're beautiful. I want you. I love you. Every part of you is beautiful to me. I'm here for you and I want to take your pain away. The words that she couldn't yet say. "Still a part of you." I love you. She smiled at him, trying to get him to understand.

He knew what she was saying but he was not comfortable with himself. Not yet. Perhaps one day he would be able to feel like he was worth something to himself. Perhaps one day he would be able to be comfortable with his body. His scars. But for now he needed time. For now he had to complete his mission to save Lincoln. He kissed the palm of Sara's hand. Wait for me.

Michael smiled to himself and hoped whatever was in the USB would exonerate Lincoln. That one day he could go to the beach and relax with Sara, Lincoln and LJ and shuck off his shirt. Wear thongs…. Maybe in Panama?