Title: Remembering What Could Have Been
Author: D Sollers
Subject: Jason/Sam oneshot. "Me too." His words are simple and as he walks away they both know it was a declaration of some sort. Of a love they both feel but aren't allowed to express.
Disclaimer: I own nothing to do with General Hospital
Author's Notes: I just wanted to take a minute to give a big thank you to Kelli because she was the one who read this originally and told me I should post it. And its because of both her and BG that I even know who Jason & Sam are. And to Liv also cause she enjoys Jason just as much as I do. Normally I only write for Brooke/Lucas from One Tree Hill and this is the first time that I've ever written anything General Hospital related. So hopefully it's not too bad. I love reviews, let me know what you're thinking :-)
Remembering What Could Have Been
By:
Dana Sollers
He's not even sure how he's gotten there. He's spent most of the morning in a daze, trying to focus on anything that wasn't Sam or her daughter they'd intended to raise together. Jason spent his morning focusing on his work and then had gone to see Elizabeth, as a way to distract himself from the painful memories.
But as the sun begins to set, he quietly makes his way towards the grave site. In the distance he can see Sam kneeling, placing lilies down in front of her. He can make out the curves of her body and the way her dark brown hair falls down her back. As he walks closer, he can hear that she's sobbing, every few minutes gasping for air.
As if Sam knew he was there, her body stiffens and she can't move. She's frozen despite her best effort to stand up and face him. It's taken her a year to move forward with her life, to be able to get past her mistakes and try to move on from their relationship. She's with Lucky now and he's great to her. But every time she thinks she has finally moved on, that she can face a life without Jason- there he is.
They're civil now, whenever they run into each other. Not that it happens a lot because both of them do their best to avoid one another. But when they do come in contact, she does her best not to make any snide comments about Elizabeth and he doesn't question her relationship with Lucky. Normally there's just a couple of words followed by a few meaningful stares, where they both want to say something but simply can't find the words.
But this is different. This is her daughters day and everything about it reminds her of the life she's lost. The life they'd picture having together. She wants to scream at him, to tell him to get the hell away from her and the baby that they'll never have a chance to know. She wants to tell him to go back to his precious Elizabeth and the life he's chosen, the life they never got a chance to have.
But she can't.
Sam begins to remember their past, despite her best intentions not to. She remembers him telling her about Lila's death and how she'd gathered all of her strength and began to hit him, begging him to tell her that he was lying. That her daughter was alive. She remembers grieving their loss and how he was always there to comfort her. He'd run his hand down her back and whisper words to try and take away the pain all the while trying to escape his own.
"She'd be four," Sam finally says.
Tears fill her eyes as she turns to look at him.
"I know."
He can't think of anything to say, nothing that could take away the pain that they're both feeling. She looks away from him and runs her fingers over the flowers, trying to focus on anything other than the intensity of his gaze.
Jason can't tear his eyes away from her and for the first time, he allows himself to remember how beautiful she is. To remember the way their bodies molded together, as if they were perfect for one another. He can remember the way she tilted her head back when she laughed and when he'd run his hands through her hair, it would feel like silk. He can almost remember how every time he hugged her, she'd smell like a mixture of vanilla and jasmine.
As he stares at her, he suddenly realizes he no longer feels anger towards her. He's realized somewhere along the way that they both had a share of blame in the way things ended and now all he is left with is regret.
It's something he's not use to. He's spent the majority of his life not looking back and not asking what ifs. They didn't change anything, so what would be the point? But as he stares down at Sam, he can't shake the questions that form in his mind.
What if her baby hadn't died?
What if they'd been able to be a family?
What if he'd never let her go after she'd been shot?
What if he'd just told her the truth about Jake that night after the metro court shooting?
Jason shakes his head, willing the thoughts out of his mind. He can't think about that. Because everything they'd been through has gotten him to this point in his life. Has gotten him to his son. If there was one thing in his life that he was thankful for, it was for Jake.
"Sam," his voice is gentle but firm and their eyes meet. "I'm so sorry, for everything."
And he is. He's sorry about the loss of both Lila and her brother, he's sorry about how a bullet that was meant for him killed her chances of having a baby and he's sorry about the mistakes he's made along the way. About the cold hearted threats he'd given her and the betrayal she'd felt over finding out about Jake.
"So am I," her voice trembles.
It's not much and they both know that it doesn't change anything. But their anger towards one another is gone and for the first time, Jason begins to believe that they might actually be able to be friends. But even as the thought enters his mind, he knows its not true. They'll never be friends.
How could they, after everything they've been through?
He knows that for the rest of his life, Sam will always be the love of his life and he's not sure he even wants to. He can't change her place in his heart, just like he can't erase the things that stand in their way. The relationships they've both formed, their past mistakes and the people who wouldn't understand. It's all too much for them to try and get past.
Jason reaches out and places his hand on her shoulder, the only contact they've shared in months. He wants to bring her into his arms and tell her he loves only her and that no matter what they'll get through it, but he can't. Instead, he smiles down at her and turns to walk away.
"Jason," she calls out to him and he turns around, hesitantly. "I..."
She wants to tell him that despite everything, she still loves him but she can't form the words. It amazes her how even the biggest of lies are often easier to speak then the simplest of truths. Instead, she simply offers him a small smile. She can't say it, she can't cause either of them anymore pain then they've already been through.
He nods his head.
"Me too."
His words are simple and as he walks away they both know it was a declaration of some sort. Of a love they both feel but aren't allowed to express.
Fin.
Incredibly short I know but like I said, it's my very first try writing Jason/Sam.