Hey guys! This is my first attempt at a TBBT fanfic. Also, there will be some spoilers for 6x12: The Egg Salad Equivalency, so if you don't want anything to be spoiled I suggest you turn back. Anyway, I own nothing, please R&R!
Ch.1: The Iron Bat Conjecture
"Oh, please!" A thick Indian English accent exclaimed derisively as four men made their way to their usual table in the Caltech cafeteria. "How can you even say that? Iron Man is obviously superior to Batman!"
Raj turned to Leonard with a pleading look. "Help me, dude!"
"Uh, nuh-uh." Leonard said, holding his hands up in surrender and turning his attention to the crappy food on the tray before him as his roommate prepared a retort. "I'm not getting into this one, Raj. You got Dr. Whack-a-Doodle started."
The Indian heaved a sigh in response to both Leonard's comment and Sheldon's newest volley in their debate. "Tony Stark improvised a suit out of scrap metal in the desert."
At this, Sheldon merely looked up from his peas to regard Raj with a questioning glance. "So? What's your point? Batman fashioned his own suit, vehicles, and weapons, and has defeated foes with superior weaponry and armor on multiple occasions. None the less, I'm willing to concede that if this were a debate solely about gadgets, Ironman would have the upper hand. But, as it's not, Batman is clearly the victor."
Sheldon paused for only a couple moments. "Why? You ask. Well, much like Bruce Wayne, Tony Stark is a playboy millionaire with genius intellect, but absent his suit that's all he is. Bruce Wayne, as you know, is well versed in over 120 forms of martial arts, multilingual, and is at the peak of human physical condition and would easily be able to best Tony in a test of strength." Sheldon smiled briefly adding, "Also, he helps the little people…who doesn't love that."
All three guys just stared at the lanky genius once he'd finished his soliloquy. Howard was the first to speak up.
"Hey, here's an idea," He said, rubbing his eyebrows in a long-suffering manner, "How about you both just give up, agree to disagree, and call it a day? Sound good? Great!" He only had a moment to turn his attention back to the pizza and rice krispy treat on his tray before the crazy physicist firmly objected to his suggestion causing each of them to heave an exasperated groan.
"No! No! It is not 'good'. Did Richard Feynman give up when he found himself at an impasse in his work? Did the Texans give up when scores of Mexican soldiers came spilling over the parapets of the Alamo? Did the Grinch give up when he couldn't figure out how he was going to pull a sleigh full of Christmas joy out of the tiny village of Whoville?"
"No, but you're not Richard Feynman and you're not Davey Crockett." Leonard had been silently eating up to that point, but chose to interject into the argument at Sheldon's comment. Wolowitz looked at him oddly, "You forgot about the Grinch."
"No, I didn't."
Each of the guys snickered except for Sheldon, who sat back in his chair brooding. "This isn't over, Dr. Koothrappalli."
Everyone resumed eating with little incident while Leonard answered his cell phone as it began to ring. The tone and caller ID told him it was Penny and a smile spread across his face as he answered.
"Hey, pretty lady…"
"Uh huh…"
"Aw, why not?"
"You need me to do what?"
"Okay….okay."
"Love you, bye."
"Well that was weird."
"I didn't do it!" Raj exclaimed awkwardly and then contained himself while the rest of the group stared at him.
"No, Raj. It was Penny." Leonard clarified "She told me she wouldn't be able to swing by the University later and then asked me to pick up diapers and formula on my way home."
"You think she's trying to tell you something?" Howard asked with a wry grin on his face.
"I'm sure it's nothing like that." Leonard dismissed his friend's comment, still mulling over the possibilities and scenarios for why on Earth Penny would need baby supplies. He'd be lying to himself, however, if he didn't admit that the prospect of having a baby with the beautiful blonde across the hall wasn't exciting. 'But what if it's not what she wants,' he couldn't help but wonder. He lost himself in thought for a moment pushed the remains of his mashed potatoes around his plate while Sheldon threw his two cents into the subject.
"Actually, given the frequency with which the two of them engage in coitus and the reliability of drug store condoms, it is possible that Penny could be with child." The physicist remained silent for a moment while considering something, and then Raj and Howard watched as a look of realization passed over his face.
"Oh dear, I don't know if I'm ready to be an uncle. Just think of all the lifestyle changes and baby proofing I'll have to do to accommodate an infant! Our apartment complex is barely safe enough for an adult, I—"
"Sheldon!" Leonard cut him off, "No one is saying that Penny is pregnant."
"I'm saying it." Sheldon spoke with a look of bewilderment.
"So? You could be wrong."
"Raj, I'm never wrong, and Batman is still superior to Ironman."
Later that evening, Leonard struggled to climb the stairs under several sacks of baby supplies. He had made the mistake of going to the store before dropping Sheldon off at the apartment and his roommate wasted no time criticizing his choices and convincing him that he needed more than just the diapers and formula that Penny had requested. When it was all over and Leonard's wallet was two hundred dollars lighter, he was reminded that today was the third Thursday of the month. So now, he found himself trekking up four flights of stairs beneath a mountain of supplies while Sheldon was conveniently on the other side of town at his girlfriend's apartment.
Finally, after minutes of struggling and stumbling, the bespectacled scientist reached the door of 4B and made a move to knock on the door as well as he could manage when he heard something on the other side. Was that…cooing? Now he was even more curious as he reached out to rap on the door.
"Coming!" He heard Penny's muffled response from inside the apartment, and moments later she was standing before him.
"Leonard? What the hell did you buy?" Penny struggled to get a good view of her boyfriend around all of the stuff he was holding. "Is that a port-a-crib?"
"I took Sheldon."
"Oh, I see."
Penny moved aside so Leonard could step into the apartment, though he still couldn't see very well and so he had yet to spot anything out of the ordinary. "So…what exactly did you need diapers and milk for?" He asked, sounding thoroughly perplexed.
Penny opened her mouth to speak, but there was a soft gurgle from the couch area.
"Did I just hear a baby?" Rather than answer him, Penny merely helped him set down his bags and suppressed a laugh when his eyes nearly popped out of his head as he realized that he was standing in front of a car seat.
"How did you end up with a baby?" Leonard wondered out loud as he examined the child. He found that he was quickly becoming intrigued with the tiny bundle in front of him, and it seemed mutual as the baby just stared contentedly back into Leonard's face.
"I found the little guy in the restroom at the Cheesecake Factory. The cops said I could keep him for a few days until CPS finds a home." She sat down on the couch and gently stroked the baby's cheek while Leonard followed suit and sat on her other side at the end of the couch.
"You mean he was abandoned? That's awful." He wrapped an arm around her as she burrowed into him, savoring the comfort of his embrace.
"Yeah, I just couldn't leave him. He was so small…so fragile."
Leonard's heart swelled with love and compassion as he took in her words. He couldn't imagine that he would have the guts to pick it up and bring it home if he ever found an abandoned baby. He pecked her atop the head, "You know, I don't really have much past experience here, but it sounds to me like your maternal instinct.
"Aw, look. He's sleeping."
And there's one! A tad on the short side, I know. I plan to make future chapters even longer. Anyway, please R&R!