The World is a FUCK
The sound of the two bodies crashing at such a velocity was a melody of the purest hate imaginable, and Snake relished the sound as he used his free hand to set multiple bushes in the Local Park aflame. The Terrorist's bodies, under the stress of an incalculable velocity, caught flame amidst the strikes they were being used to inflict. Snake took advantage of his weapons newest upgrade, and gleamed with joy as he consumed the volatile corpse. Over his Codex his compatriot Otacon questioned his technique.
"Snake, only the barbarian craves the flesh humane! In the eyes of Gods and Men this is madness!"
"In the eyes of Gods and Men, I am last thing that is seen." Snake blasphemed in his inexhaustible hunger and rage.
The mission he found himself on was simple: Let loose the flames of Hell, and may Terror be fucked. Snake shed a tear as he screeched the Pledge of Allegiance, and curb stomped the nearest Terrorist thirty-six and a half times. The monster was rendered into its base components under the weight of Sin itself, and in the wind it blew away as dust. The pride of a nation swelling within him, Snake lifted from the ground and assailed the Terrorist's vehicle. The armour of the Truck was as thick as the seed of a Lumberjack, yet none could withstand the ferocity of Snake's Psycho Crusher. The truck, now as devastated as your Mother last night, could harbour no life. The twisted metal of the ruined vehicle formed a flaming crucifix upon which the enemies of man were strewn haphazardly. It made for a most fitting set piece for the slaughter that Snake was to commence momentarily. Snake's head rotated one hundred and eighty degrees to stare into the fearful eyes of his next victims. Snake rocketed towards his foes, and for a brief moment came to a realization. A realization of cosmic proportions. The world is a Fuck
"The World Is A Fuck." Snake said to the World, which was also a Fuck, as he fucked the World. The World that was a Fuck, that is.
A group of Terrorist Ninjas arrived to lend aid to their fellows, only to find Snake frothing at the mouth with patriotism. "Forlorn are we, for whom the bells toll!" Cried the Ninjas as Snake suplexed a Nissan Altima 2006 onto their delicate ninja bodies with enough force to split the atom. Nuclear hellfire enveloped the city, evolving the Pokemon that is Humanity into the purity of the skeleton form. Standing amidst God's love for man, snake received a call from the President himself.
"Snake, thanks to you the Radical Feminists have returned to Tumblr!"
"Metal Gear!?" Screamed Snake in confusion.
"Yes Snake, Metal Gear!" Revolver Ocelot declared from atop an obelisk of obsidian and brimstone.
"OCELOT!? But if we were never the one to take risks for the children, then where amongst our fleeting souls can atonement be found!?" Inquired a worried Snake.
"Yes!" Answered Ocelot, as he stood shredding on his bitchin' guitar.
Realizing that he was the president all along, Snake knew what he must do. Gripping the Tower of Blasphemes, he propelled himself into space through sheer hate. Glaring at Ocelot with murderous intent, Snake invoked his patron deity Mictlantecuhtli, the Aztec God of Death. Gripping the Sun with both hands, Snake remembered to lift with his legs. A look of mild concern flashed across Ocelot's face, but he smiled coolly nonetheless.
"You incongruously incompetent idiot! The Sun cannot burn me at night!"
Snake was shocked, for how could he forget such a basic law of thermodynamics? This was, of course, before Snake remembered that in darkest night shone brightest light. Activating his The World is a Fuck Lantern Ring, he commanded Thermodynamics to go fuck itself. Through the asexual reproduction exhibited by concepts, a new Law of Thermodynamics was born. Revolver Ocelot's immunity was no more, for now the Sun could burn him at night. Swinging with all his might, Snake slammed the Sun into Ocelot with enough force to send all instances of Ocelot's existence through time and into themselves, all at once and forever. Having succeeded in slaying Terrorism, Snake took a somber final look at his home.
He looked back on his days as a librarian, handing out flowers for children to use as bookmarks, and teared up at the thought of his beautiful garden withering without him. Then, from his Codex came a voice most soothing. A voice that reminded him of his will to live. Otacon.
"Snake, don't you die on me! Who's going to tend to our gardens? Who will raise Sunny!?"
Thinking long and hard on what he would leave behind, Snake decided that his time had not yet come.
"One day I will wade out into the waters of oblivion, but this is not that day!"
Snake focused on his understanding of the universe, and moved it a few miles to the left with his magical mind powers that he had for reasons. Now within gravity's reach, Snake fell to the earth finally ready to live a life of peace. Fate, however, had other plans for our hero. Snake looked across the city where he had landed and beheld the onset of a new opponent. From the clouds came hundreds of blimps, each emblazoned with some sort of short crucifix. From each blimp a thousand figures wreathed in flames descended. It was then that Snake knew his prey. The Nazi Fire-elementals had come, and no mercy would be had this day. No mercy for the Nazis at least. Rushing to the Townhall using his roller skates, Snake made it just in time to interrupt the mayor's speech and to warn the townsfolk of their impending doom. The mayor graciously moved aside upon realizing that Snake was the president, and grew fearful as Snake spoke of the coming danger.
"I want an America where violent criminals and Halliburton board members cannot make a mockery of our precious oil supply. Unlike myself, my opponent wants an America where Exxon Mobil executives and sex workers can take away our brave police force. My opponent is conspiring with filthy hobos, Chilean miners and smelly hippies! Know this: that I support our basic democratic principles, our young entrepreneurs and our promise for tomorrow. I will not stand for an America where overseas manufacturers and socialists can undermine our innocent children!"
The crowd stared in awe of their elected overlord, and his words were well received. Taking up arms, the citizens of that nameless town gave their lives to stop the Nazi Fire-elementals, and it was their sacrifice that saved America.
"That sure was an amazing story, Snake!" Sunny exclaimed months later, whilst Snake patted her head. After wishing her sweet dreams he left the room and stood before Otacon.
"Do you think it's over, Snake?"
"No Otacon, I don't think it will ever be over. We stand here, lording over the world around us, without ever giving thought to what could possibly give us the right. So long as we have something to gain from it, then nothing is off limits."
"Well I guess that's why Humanity has been blessed with heroes to keep us safe from ourselves." Otacon offered to his weary partner. "Blessed with you."
Snake, however, could not help but worry about urban violence.
Thank you for supporting Snake on this little adventure of his! And if I, the humble author, may make a request, I would like this of you: Please leave a review describing your enjoyment, disgust, or simple displeasure with this small clusterfuck of nonsensical madness. Thank you for reading up to this point.