Just Like Flying

Sometimes Gai wondered what exactly he was doing. Sometimes he wondered if he was just a glorified liar. Wasn't that what all the Jonin senseis were? Liars. They gave false hope. They planted the seeds of faith and courage and nurtured those seeds until their students had blossomed under their care. They were fed lies and easy missions while they built up their strength. They were taught to think they could do anything if they just had enough hope. No matter the odds. They could win because of friendship and teamwork.

Gai wondered when it had ever really worked that way.

Gai tipped back his glass, "What are we doing, Kakashi?" The sake hit the back of his throat and burned its way down.

Kakashi turned his lazy gaze to him. His head band was off, on the floor beside him, and his hair fell over his face, "We're sitting getting shit faced on top of a rooftop." He tilted his face to the night sky, "Like every smart ninja knows to do."

Gai snorted his annoyance and grabbed the bottle by the neck, pouring himself yet another glass. He put the bottle down with force. It clinked loudly and Gai wondered why it hadn't shattered yet.

"You know what I mean."

Kakashi tapped the closed eyelid of his sharingan absently, "Do I?"

Gai shrugged, knowing what he was insinuating. He handed Kakashi the bottle and he poured another glass. How many was that? Had he even kept count? He tapped the bottle as Kakashi put it back down. Was it almost empty?

Did it matter? Would it ever matter? He could drain the whole damn bottle and it would not silence the voices. With every glass they grew louder. He knew Kakashi felt the same way. It's why they drank together.

In a sudden surge of anger, Gai drained another glass, his movements violent and sharp.

Kakashi watched him silently and Gai did not have the energy to work out what his gaze said this time.

Gai grabbed the bottle again and poured another glass, sloshing sake over the sides. He slammed the bottle down and this time it smashed under the weight of his brute force.

"Why do we hope, Kakashi, huh?" He was surprised his voice wasn't slurred already. Only dimly did it register that this evening was his turn. To rage and bitch and laugh and collapse in a drunk pool of misery when the sake had run out and everything got too much. His turn to be hauled to bed. To be watched over all night but wake up alone.

Same old routine. He had done it for the Copy ninja more times than either of them dared to count. And Kakashi had done it for Gai.

"Why do we hope time and time again just to bash ourselves to pieces on it, huh?"

Kakashi just shrugged and settled back, propped up on his arms, just staring at the night sky.

It was cloudy tonight.

"Ever wondered Kakashi? When we go to the bars when Asuma gets back from a long mission? Ever wonder what they see? And if they see us for what we are? A prostitute. A wash out. Someone who can rip a man apart with his bare hands and has done so…more times than he cares to admit..."

"And the son of a coward who let his team die?" Kakashi finished for him. He knew the routine. The both did.

"Cheers to us, huh?"

Kakashi raised his glass to tip it against Gai's. He looked down at the shattered bottle. The pieces looked gritty and oily.

"Guess we need more sake, huh?"

Gai hummed in agreement. More sake was always good.

Kakashi heaved a sigh and staggered to his feet without his usual grace. Gai watched him absently. While it was true that Kakashi could hold his alcohol and drink almost anyone under the table, he was already slightly unsteady. Gai didn't blame him. How much had they had? He couldn't remember.

Kakashi grabbed the second bottle they'd brought and walked back over. He kicked at the shards of broken glass away, pushing them back. Then he slumped down onto the rooftop beside Gai. He handled him the sealed bottle wordlessly.

Gai took it and gripped between both hands, struggling to open it. Why did these bottles always have to be so stubborn? One bottle down and you could never open your second. He wondered if it was possible to drink two large, strong bottles on your own, and still open the third?

He wouldn't know. No. He couldn't remember. He'd only tried it twice before. Both times he'd been too desperate and heartbroken to care. Too determined to drink himself to death. Every other time he'd passed out before.

"Why do we come up here, Gai?"

Kakashi's quiet question broke Gai out of his reverie. He finally got the bottle open and poured himself a healthy measure, before offering Kakashi the bottle. Kakashi held his glass out and Gai filled it before placing the bottle back between them.

"Do you want a deep answer?" Gai swirled his drink idly.

"I'm not really that picky." Gai met Kakashi's gaze, and he saw the silent words. I want the truth.

Gai tipped his drink back thoughtfully, wondering how he could still feel the burn against his throat, "Because we have no where else to be?" He considered his statement, wondering if it was true. Then he decided he didn't care.

"Perhaps we'd be drinking anyway, and this way just feels…" Kakashi trailed off and fell silent but the alcohol bubbled fiery and tactless within Gai as it so often did.

"Like we're not desperate? Pathetic? Lonely?" Gai snorted hard, "Yeah." He leaned back on his arm, just staring into the night, "Maybe…"

Kakashi said nothing. Just drained his own drink.

Gai ran a hand through his hair, listless, "Maybe this way we won't jump?"

There was a moment of silent before Kakashi spoke, "Who says we won't jump anyway?" Kakashi drew up one knee and rested his arm on it, heavily.

Gai shrugged. Would he let Kakashi jump? Would he let his best friend go over the edge? Could he stop him again like when they were younger and life was black and white and death was never the solution?

Could Gai stop him knowing why he was doing it?

Could Kakashi stop him?

Gai stared at his drink, wondering if it could ever ease him. If it could ever make him forget.

"They'll be back tomorrow."

Gai knew all too well who Kakashi was talking about. The group of their students who had left on their mission. Due back. They'd be battered and beaten and broken. They'd be deprived of sleep and comforts. They'd be ragged and exhausted and still fighting on. Or maybe not. Maybe they would have finally lost the hopeful spark. Maybe they would have lost a life.

"Some of them."

Kakashi didn't comment on his pessimism. He'd been known to dabble in it himself, "Yes. Some of them."

"So hopeless." He muttered. His voice was joking, light and optimistic as it so often was. He didn't know why he even bothered. He knew Kakashi could see right through his façade. He'd always bee able to do that, being the bastard he was.

It was so hopeless. Sitting here drinking while his students were out there. When all Gai wanted to do was gather them into his arms and shield them from the harsh reality. Shield them from this fighting and struggling. Hold them close and tell them it was okay for ninja to cry. It was okay for them to fall apart and shout and scream and just not want this life anymore. It was okay to need someone. It was okay to get tired and fed up and exhausted. It was okay to fall because he would catch them for as long as he was still standing. But how? How did he put that into words? How did he do what he knew they so badly needed without offending their honor? Making them turn away and strip all chance of ever helping them from him.

Neji wouldn't even touch him. The boy was warming up to him, slowly. But he knew the truth far better than the others.

What use was it? When they had to go right back into it again the moment the new day dawned?

Gai wondered if he would ever break down in front of Kakashi. Or the other way around. That was a stupid thing to wonder. They had before, hadn't they? So, so many times before.

His limbs had felt heavy up until a few moments ago. His stomach too. Now a wonderful lightness seeped into his limbs. A dark, ironic humor slipped into his veins. His supposed this was the alcohol too. This restless, jumping between emotions.

He sipped at his sake.

Kakashi threw him a look. Like he wasn't quite sure what to make of Gai. Unpredictable. Well that suited Gai just fine. There wasn't a thing he could do that would still shock Kakashi. And that went for both of them. They had been through too much. Been by each other's side through too much. From glances shot across the battle field to wrestling a blade from the other's hand, skin slicked with sweat and rain.

If Gai was to be honest with himself, he no longer knew what was real.

"Gets hard."

Gai looked up at Kakashi's words.

Gets hard being constant. Trying to help. Lying. Molding. Growing and loving. Hoping and hurting. Gets hard caring about someone.

"Like you'd know…." Gai muttered, "The genius, stoic copy ninja." His comment was half hearted. Routine. He knew Kakashi felt as deeply as he did. If not more. Kakashi found it just as hard to let go and step back as he did. But neither of them showed it. It was just easier that way. Did it hurt them more that way? Or less?

Did it matter?

Gai's head was starting too get fuzzy. His thoughts ran in their usual contradicting circles.

The sake was starting to kick in.

Heavy relief passed through him and came out in a breath, "Thank God."

Kakashi quirked an eyebrow, throwing Gai a questioning look.

Gai smiled, small and grim, but genuine, "Finally."

Kakashi chuckled, the sound disappearing into the night air, "I'm afraid I can't say the same." He swirled the liquid around for a few seconds before tipping his head back and draining it in one go. He grabbed the bottle and re-filled, "Shouldn't be long though."

Gai hummed his agreement as he felt the sake bubble in his mind and body, "Don't feel like doing this."

Kakashi didn't speak.

"Had enough of baring my soul to last me a while." Gai sighed bitterly and slumped back on his arms, face tilted towards the sky in what felt like some kind of desperate prayer, "Tired."

"Me too."

"Think it would feel like flying?"

Kakashi hummed softly, barely acknowledging the topic change, and sipped at his sake, "I think it would feel like what it is. Falling."

"If it was falling wouldn't one catch themselves? We're ninja after all." Gai looked thoughtful, "I like to think of it as flying. Of beautiful, blissful moments of perfect freedom before you just…drift into sleep."

He could feel it now. The wind against his shoulders, his chest, his face, whispering it's fingers through his hair. His breath snatched from him before his lungs burst open and he drank in huge lungful of the freedom, tasting it over his tongue. High above everyone else. Above everything that weighed him down. That pressed down his thoughts even when he felt happy and optimistic as he so often did. Always there at the back of his mind. Pulling him down. So, so, so many thoughts. Even the sake never wiped them away completely.

It would finally ease the yearning in his soul. That part of him that went beyond his need for a good fight. Beyond his hot blooded powers. The part of him that needed this freedom. This moment of escape. Of peace.

Yes. He decided it would be just like flying.

"Overdose if you want that Gai." Kakashi's voice had a hard, tired edge to it, "We don't live in a movie. Things would never be so easy."

Gai sighed hard and drained his glass in a sloppy movement, "You're right." He mumbled the lie as the alcohol trickled cold down his skin of his neck.

He fell silent, the meanings of the universe running wild in his hazy mind. Was it hazy? Or clear? Gai thought it felt clearer. But in that perfect, hazy sort of way. He was sure everyone knew what he meant. If he spoke out loud. Had he? Why the hell would he care anyway?

Kakashi was looking at him, an almost wistful expression on his face.

"What?"

Kakashi just shrugged and raised his glass to his lips. It had barely grazed the fabric that covered his face, before Kakashi growled his annoyance and tugged his mask down. It was long soaked with the icy alcohol, his masterful sipping had been turning sloppier and sloppier as the night went on. Gai only stared for a moment. Seeing Kakashi's face exposed was always reason to blink. But it was nothing Gai hadn't seen before. Most of these nights ended with Kakashi's mask lowered in frustration. Often it was when he grabbed the bottle by the neck and downed as much as he could before staggering to his feet. Then he'd bitch and whine and collapse against Gai in a miserable, drunken heap.

Sometimes he did that. Sometimes he didn't. Gai was pretty sure he did worse than Kakashi ever had. But he wouldn't know. He could never remember.

He wondered if he'd remember this.

"God, why is the sake never enough?" Gai's voice was a rough whine. His face twisted in despair and he slumped back against the roof, not staring up at the sky, flat on his back. He balled his hand into a tight fist and slammed it down, "Why, Kakashi?"

Kakashi looked unfazed by his anger, his despair. He simply poured himself a full glass, tilted the bottle to his lips, and drank. Then he shoved the bottle at Gai and sat back, cradling his glass between his hands.

Gai grabbed the bottle, clinging to it like a drowning man to his only raft. He swallowed a sigh that sounded far more like a sob and tilted the bottle back. He drank greedily, his eyes squeezed shut. Sake trailed down his face, his neck, soaking the collar of his jumpsuit. He only stopped drinking to come up for air.

Another mood swing. Ah fuck it. He didn't care. He shouldn't ever care.

"They will come back completely hurt. We'll pick up the pieces. They'll go out again. We'll worry and hurt like we're their goddamn parents. But worse. Because we lied to them and made them like this." He rubbed at his head harshly, "Shit Kakashi. How can we do that huh? How do we convince ourselves it's right? Sure it's all great when you're a kid….a Genin. Early Chunin. But they won't stay like that forever."

"You're forgetting how hard our early years were."

"We were in the middle of a fucking war. I graduated at age seven. You were five!" Gai chuckled sadly, "A bitch being a genius. A real bitch."

For once, Kakashi held back his comments.

"Ah…doesn't matter." Gai tipped the bottle back again before putting it down. It rolled to its side, it's contents spilling and soaking Gai's hair.

He didn't reach to stop it. He didn't even notice.

"And yeah….if we don't it someone else will and all that jazz." Gai shrugged and rubbed at his face hard.

"But that's just one of many things." Kakashi smiled grimly and staggered to his feet, "Come on. Up we get. You're gonna pass out and the sake is finished."

Gai knew the words, the prompts. He knew the routine that was so etched into his soul, his body, that his mind did not have to cooperate for it to work.

He staggered to his own feet, swaying and stumbling. Kakashi gripped him around the shoulders, surprisingly firm after…how much had they had? Didn't matter.

The fuzziness was back. That happy, fuzzy feeling where the voices finally shut up and he had a moments peace before he collapsed into a dark, dreamless sleep.

Gai decided that he liked the mood swings now. He liked them very much.

Gai lent Kakashi his own support as they started on their way home. Gai wasn't sure where they were going. He was pretty sure it was his place first. Some dim part of his mind told him Kakashi was far more sober than he was.

"I bet it would be just like flying…" He mumbled, a wide grin now plastered on his face, "Just like flying. We're gonna try it next time right? Next time shit gets too hard and we drink too much and go up there. Would be easy. You'll try it with me, right?"

And he looked at Kakashi's unmasked face. Looking so much younger and cleaner than one would expect. Gai looked into the gaze that was still so much clearer than his own. A gaze that was kind and hard, grim and twinkling, all at once. Kakashi tilted his head, smiled small and hoisted Gai a little more as they stumbled on.

"Of course we will Gai. Of course."

Let us call this a character study to excuse the fact that it has no plot.