Fifty Ways To Annoy The Hell Out Of Voldemort
Warning: If you ever find yourself in the presence of Voldy the Moldy, attempting any of these methods will most definitely get you killed or SERIOUSLY injured.
50. Refuse to call him anything but "Tommy Boy" or "Voldy the Moldy".
49. Attend Death Eater meetings solely for the purpose of screeching loudly "HEY VOLDY, SNAPE HERE TOLD ME ALL ABOUT YOUR LITTLE FLING WITH BELLATRIX!"
48. Go up to him during a war, smile maniacally, and say (while laughing idiotically) "Tommy Boy, when that Potter kid finally gets you, I'm gonna do the time warp on your GRAVE."
47. Remind him that his father was a muggle CONSTANTLY.
46. Raise your hand before speaking at all the Death Eater meetings.
45. Rewind time magically, go to the moment when Voldy the Moldy was reborn, and tell him his robes make him look fat.
44. And when he tells Wormtail to "kill the spare!" duck and sing loudly "Can't Touch This"
43. Sit next to Bellatrix LeStrange during one of the Death Eater meetings and whisper loudly to her "I heard Tommy Boy has a CRUSH on you, Bella!"
42. Say in a know-it-all matter "You know, Voldy, I'm pretty sure one of those muggle serial killers has broken your murder record."
41. Tell him he needs a serious nose job more than the devil needs his friggin' pitch fork. "Really, Tommy, those slits aren't doing the pale complexion any good at all!"
40. When he threatens to kill you, suggest he trade places with Tonks so he can change his nose at will.
39. Skip around him saying "Voldy the Moldy got defeated by a baby, Voldy the Moldy got defeated by a baby!"
38. Scream "VOLDY HAS A THING FOR BELLA!" at a Death Eater meeting.
37. Buy Voldy the Moldy a fluffy pink scarf for his birthday, then charm it to call him a little girl every time he wears it.
36. Say "Hey Vol-dy, is it true you went out with Dumbledore in your 5th year? Isn't that illegal?"
35. Start calling Bellatrix "the girlfriend to a moldy Voldy".
34. Go squirrel fishing at one of the Death Eater meetings.
33. Write "Voldy the Moldy is a GIRL!" on the back of his robes in bright pink.
32. Whisper in his ear loudly in front of everyone "We all know your secret. We know you got a transplant when you were at Hogwarts! No wonder you're still such a GIRL!"
31. Wrap him in a pink feather boa and scream "All hail girly Voldy the Moldy!"
30. Transfigure all the Death Eaters into puppies.
29. Then screech "ATTACK!" and have them nip at his heels.
28. Next time Voldy the Moldy goes on a rage, whisper "PMS?" in his ear.
27. When he's talking to Bellatrix, sing "I Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You" from the High School Musical soundtrack.
26. Pass out flyers to all the Death Eaters entitled "Why The Good Side is BETTA!"
25. Curse madly every time he says the word "it".
24. Smile a lot.
23. Say "You know what, Voldy? I'm thinking Roxanna would be a better name for you…" and call him nothing but that for the rest of the week.
22. Emit an immense sense of happiness and love every time you are around him.
21. Give him a great big HUG!
20. When he yells "GET OFF OF ME!" say "Now Voldy, I think you need some love! Why don't I trade places with Bellatrix so you can hug your GIRLFRIEND?!?!?!?"
19. Sing "I'm a Little Teapot" except replace all the "teapot"s with "Voldy"s.
18. Offer to get him some new Death Eaters, then instead of people, get Pygmy Puffs.
17. When Voldy the Moldy is about to say something, screech "DANCE PARTAY!" and start doing the Charlie Brown.
16. Say "Hey Tommy Boy, guess what I did? I signed you and Bellatrix up to help with the Yule Ball decorations at Hogwarts!"
15. Threaten to put Dungbombs in his pants.
14. Put Filibuster Fireworks up his nose while he's asleep.
13. When he wakes up and starts getting peeved off, say "Hey, they're no-heat, so they can't exactly harm you, can they?"
12. Be a general kiss-ass.
11. Spray paint "Muggle-borns RULE!" all over everything he owns.
10. Sign him up for a Barbie fan club.
9. When he refuses to go, force him to, and sit through it with a pink Barbie t-shirt, Barbie doll, and a maniac grin.
8. And THEN when he says "What the hell are you wearing?!?!" say "Don't worry, I got you one, too!" and shove a matching Barbie shirt over his head.
7. Say nothing but compliments during the whole Death Eater meeting.
6. Enjoy life and shove how much you enjoy it in his face.
5. Don't forget to remind him that his father was a muggle!
4. Do it constantly!
3. Make a habit of it!
2. Show this paper to everyone you know.
1. Including Voldemort.