Writer's Note: This "story" is really my dumping ground for ideas or knockoffs that I can't find a place for in my other plotlines, so expect to see a bunch of conflicting material, some serious, some funny, and some just…well, you'll see.
And if you are a first time reader, my Titan membership consists of an alternate timeline one where Terra stayed with the team and never hooked up with Slade. It also includes my original character Noel Collins, aka Savior, and the character Robert Candide, aka Gauntlet, created by the author Bobcat. Couples are Robin/Starfire, Beast Boy/Terra, and Raven/Savior, in case you were wondering.
Comedy Tale One: "Sights Unseen."
Titan Tower! Site of wonders and atrocities! The sky is clear! The birds are singing! Bees are trying to have sex with them…or so goes a certain spiky-haired kid's understanding.
"WOULD YOU WATCH IT ROB!"
Well, not THAT spiky-haired kid.
"Ok, I'm watching it Noel." Rob said, picking up the flask and staring at it. Noel groaned inwardly.
"Just be careful! I don't have an near-invulnerable shield artifact like you."
"Jealous?" Rob said, grinning.
"Not really, as I suspect that when you got your artifact, it accompanied a equal loss of intelligence. Then I thought it over and realized how could you lose what you never had?"
"Oh ouch. An intelligence joke. This from the guy who thought marriage was a kind of food."
"THAT WAS IN DBZ!"
"Well you certainly seem to draw some inspiration from there, hmmmm?" Rob said. His own hair was pretty spiky, but Noel's white hair in his "hero form" could have easily won a "mimic Gohan's SSJ2 Kid hair" contest.
Noel snorted and turned back to the work that he had been stuck with: chemical work with Rob. The Titans had a few foes that occasionally required antidotes (which had definitely been useful when they'd had their battle with Jonathon Crane, aka the Scarecrow, but that's another tale), and it was always better if they had the remedies on hand rather then trying to mix them up on the spot. But mixing up unpleasant smelling chemicals was a deed that none of the Titans wanted to do, so they had to draw lots for it. And since fate just loved him so much, Noel had been stuck with the lone Titan he couldn't stand: Robert Candide.
While the two of them would make a great sitcom, most of the time the Titans weren't in situations that would benefit a laugh track. Fortunately, Noel had enough sense to put personal stuff aside when business was at hand, something that Rob could also do if he was prodded enough. It was the rest of the time that caused the problems. The two came from drastically different backgrounds, and as a result each thought the other went too far in their perspective living. Rob thought Noel was a sourpuss who was forever looking for any excuse to ruin any fun he could so he could angst on the hardships on the superhero life. And Noel thought Rob was, at best, a goof, and at worst, a moron who didn't take the task of being a so called superhero seriously enough and that one day his lack of seriousness was going to get someone, as well as himself, hurt or killed. The truth was probably somewhere in the middle. In any case, the two could work together when it mattered, but in less serious situations, like mixing chemicals…not so well.
Which is why Noel kept telling Rob to be careful. He KNEW that Rob was the type to see two chemicals that were pretty colors and mix them together to see what would happen.
"Be careful with those chemicals Rob!"
"Yeesh, calm DOWN Noel. I have done this before with Tim and Gar, I know what I'm doing." Rob said, pouring the contents of a beaker into a flask.
Wait, you're saying. This is supposedly a comedy story! Where's the comedy?
It's here.
BLA-DA-BOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!
Noel almost went through the wall, and then nearly landed on his face before his power, the sentient energy known as the Shimmer, stopped him. Growling, he flicked on the emergency fans that would suck away any toxic fumes.
"Rob, you, you…have you lost your mind!" Noel yelled as the figure of Rob appeared from the smoky fumes that had concealed his form.
"Uh…" Rob said, checking to see if his namesake artifact had activated.
Problem.
He couldn't find his gauntlet.
Or his arm.
"Ah!" Rob said, looking up. There was his T-Shirt…but where was his arm? And come to think of it, as he glanced across the room…and saw a shirt and a pair of pants and shoes sitting on the floor, without any sight of the certain things that would fill those clothes, like a body. He brought his hands up to his head…or more specifically, the stumps of his shirt to the blank space above the top hole of his shirt where his head should be.
"Dammit Rob, you have lost your mind!" Noel growled.
"Not only that!" Rob said, as he stood up. His muscles seemed to be working…with the exception that they weren't there. Come to think of it, his eyes weren't there either! He had vanished! He was a ghost!
"Noel! I've lost my head! It isn't on me!" Rob said, pressing his invisible hand to his invisible face. He could FEEL it, but it wasn't there.
"It's probably on the floor with the rest of the mess you made! I know I haven't got it!" Noel snapped, as he tried to remember where the Titan's lone HAZ-Mat suit was. "Get out of here! I have to clean this up!"
"Uh Noel…" Gauntlet said, waving at Noel. Noel just continued to glare at him. What the heck? Didn't he see?
"Get! Now! Before you cause more trouble!"
"Noel, I can't just run around the tower without a head!"
"Rob, you've gone all these years without USING your head. Why panic now?"
"But, but…"
"No buts! GET!" Noel said, as the Shimmer formed a giant pointing hand. Rob stared at Noel's utterly incomprehensive face, and then he walked past Noel and left the lab.
"What a revolting development this is! I just hope my powers haven't disappeared! Or my stomach!" Rob said as he walked the hallways.
It didn't take him long to stumble across another one of the Titans: Beast Boy. Good. While Sourpuss Noel was clearly willing to ignore this problem, Gar Logan wouldn't!
"Hey! Gar! Wait up!" Rob said, running over to the green-haired teen.
"Hey Rob! What's new?" Gar asked. Rob stopped.
"Errr…don't you notice anything DIFFERENT about me?"
"Hey yeah! How about that!" Gar replied. Rob felt relief.
"You're wearing a new shirt!"
Rob facevaulted.
"But what about my face?" Rob asked.
"You can use a new face too!" Gar cracked. Rob was about to say something, except with an accompanied "Garfieellldd…", Terra came around the corner. Beast Boy quickly forgot all about Rob Candide and his currently only noticeable to him problem.
"You called me, my love?" Gar asked, sidling over and taking Terra's arm.
"HEY! What about ME?" Rob said.
"Why should he call YOU 'my love'?" Terra joked. "Rob, we want some alone time. Why don't you disappear?"
Rob facevaulted again. By the time he got up, Beast Boy and Terra had gone off to whatever they were planning to do. No, NOT THAT! Get your brain out of the gutter! Especially you two! Yeah, I'm talking to you Prisionero and Fooble Bloop!
"Ok…" Rob said, scratching his head. "Either Gar and Tara are seeing things by seeing things that aren't there or are afraid they're seeing things by NOT seeing things that SHOULD be there, or…aw, I can't figure this out on an empty stomach!"
And with that Rob headed for the kitchen. He was poking around in the fridge when he felt the presence behind him.
"Rob! What's wrong with you?" came Raven's voice.
At last! Somebody noticed! Rob said. He turned around holding an apple…and found an angry looking Raven.
"You know this is my day to cook lunch! You know I want people out of the kitchen until then! It's not for another two hours! I don't serve people individually! You're upsetting my whole routine and you know it!"
"But but but!" Robert stammered. A nearby pot became encased in black energy.
"Get! Shoo, you walking stomach! And don't come back until noon!" Raven yelled, throwing the pot as she chased Gauntlet out of the kitchen.
"Ye gods…" Rob said as he headed down the nearest staircase, not paying any attention to where he was going. He bit into the apple. Well, he at least till had a mouth.
"Even in this business…" Rob said as he went through a random door, still eating his apple. "You would think the Titans saw invisible people every day!"
"Hey! Hold it right there Rob!"
Rob stopped, realizing he had wandered into the garage. Cyborg pulled himself away from the T-Car and headed for the young, invisible teen.
"Don't think I don't see you!" Cyborg said. Robert felt relief. It figured Cyborg would have noticed: he probably had something in his mechanical eye that…
"How many times have I told you not to eat near my baby!" Cyborg yelled, planting his hand on his hips.
"ARRGGGHHHHHH!" Rob yelled, running away. Cyborg arched a non-existent eyebrow, and then picked up the half eaten apple Rob had left behind to toss in the compost heap.
"Yeesh. What a group! Why can't they see I'm not here?" Rob lamented as he walked down another hallway.
Which didn't have a mirror. Hence Rob couldn't see that his head and arms were once again phasing back into existence, whatever strange chemical he had come up with finally wearing off. But like I said, Rob was a tad bit upset, and didn't notice.
"Huh! I could disappear entirely and none of these people would notice!" Rob said, stepping into the lounge and walking past Robin and Starfire without speaking to them. Why bother?
"Tim, what appears to be bothering Robert?" Starfire asked.
"I dunno Kory. Sometimes he acts like he's not all there."
They were too far away to hear Rob when he stepped into the hallway and had an epiphany.
"Wait! They must think it's a trick and hence they ignored it! They know me too well! They really didn't see my head! They just pretended to! All they saw were my clothes! Which means…MWA HA! I have turned myself invisible! By removing my clothing, I can perpetrate any crime undetected! Whoo hoo! I have complete freedom! I can get away with anything!"
How to sum up this epiphany, this story, and the fact that Rob has not realized he has reappeared?
One sentence.
"ROB WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING NEAR THE COOKIE JAR WITHOUT YOUR CLOTHES ON!!!!!!!!!"
The End