Disclaimer: This story is based on characters created by L.J. Smith, as portrayed in the TV series created by Kevin Williamson and Julie Plec. All rights reserved by their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended.

A/N: This chapter is a prologue of sorts. It contains a selected few of Elena's journal entries throughout the years used to provide a little background information.

1. Memories

October 21, 2003

Death.

I knew what it was, yet I never understood the actual concept of it until now.

And as I watched the scenery go by from the backseat the moving car, it finally began to sink in.

My father is gone and I am never to see or speak to him again.

This emptiness inside was not what I had expected to feel.

Although fury does swell within me when I think of Uncle John. The soil was still fresh in my father's grave and mother is already moving in with my uncle, father's younger brother, whom I know she had been seeing long before my father's passing. I had hoped that they would maybe show a little respect for him and postpone the news of their relationship for a while.

It's indignant to see that they show no remorse at having been meeting behind his back and I can't believe that he would ask me to behave as if the situation was something normal and to act nicely in front of my cousins and our new neighbors. Honestly, I don't plan to. Don't get me wrong, I will not make a scene, my father raised me better than that. However, I will not stand by and smile as they play the picture perfect couple after soiling my father's memory, who has been buried for no more than a day. I can't believe that Jeremy is so accomodating towards them. He even greeted our uncle with a hug.

Traitor.

After getting out from the car, I went straight to my new bedroom, where I plan on spending most of my time here when I'm not attending school.

November 1, 2003

Family.

That is what we are supposed to be, yet I can't forgive our parent's betrayal. My cousins, on the other hand, are a different story. They have nothing to do with their behavior and I am not a spoiled brat. I will not hold my uncle's actions against them. Besides, they are not even his real children. They are the sons of his late wife of two years who conveniently died last summer.

It has been little over a week since we moved in and already Stefan and I are almost inseparable. He's twelve, the youngest and my same age. We do everything together. From school to videogames, he is the one thing that has kept me grounded and is helping me adjust. I can even say that we share a fondness for each other that could only be found between real siblings, it's something comforting to have at this time, since not even my real brother sides with me on this one.

The fondness, however, doesn't seem to extend to his brother Damon, who is fifteen and thus, three years our senior. Stefan says that his brother changed when their mother died and has just been colder ever since. Personally, I think it's me. He just seems colder around me. I have seen him with his friends that come over to hang with him and let me tell you, he is not cold towards them. Nor towards Jeremy, they have become great friends. He even speaks freely to my mother, but every time I come into the same room as him, he shuts up and leaves or just sits and stares at a wall. Stefan tells me to be patient, that he will come around, but I can't help to feel uncomfortable and a bit disconcerted by my older cousin's behavior. I've never even had the chance to talk to him besides the occasional 'Hi' or 'Good morning' both of which are always left ignored sans a nod of the head or a grunt.

September 14, 2005

Sex

Such a small word. Yet the sole mention of it brings up so many issues that it is best left unmentioned. A taboo in our household, I would've never learned the meaning of it if it were not for my best friend Caroline, who always shares with me her findings in her father's video library. Porn can be as intriguing as it is disgusting. I, myself, prefer reading the books she brings over on the subject.

Most of the girls in our class, including Caroline, have already had some level of experience in that field. Wether it be a simple kiss or something else. I on the other hand, have never had the opportunity. Not for lack of interest, mind you.

Let me state this, the girl who denies ever having played with herself at least once is either the world's greatest liar or a saint. Hormones can be a bitch. And the fact that my dearest cousin, Stefan keeps experimenting in my room with none other than my best friend does not help in the least. Caroline keeps pointing out to me how handsome he is, and believe me, I see it. My feelings for Stefan have grown deeper than I would've wanted and the worst is that I know he doesn't see me that way. To him I am just his stepsister and partner in crime. Still, he is one of my best friends and I'd rather have that than nothing at all.

Damon, now that is a completely different matter. He went from pretending I didn't exist to focusing on me as the center of his teasing. I can't be in the same room as he, without him commenting on anything that had to do with me, what I was wearing or doing at that time. The boy is a nightmare!

I have to admit that his appearance is exquisite, as I've been reminded by Caroline plenty of times. He is simply beautiful, from his athletically toned body and crystal blue eyes to his deep voice and sleek ebony hair. He could almost be considered a perfect specimen, if it were not for his lack of personality. Although amazingly enough, it seems that only I noticed that chink in the armor.

But enough about the sexy creep. I've been invited to a back to school party at a the football captain's house this weekend. Mother forbade me to go, but since I honestly don't hold her opinion in such a high standard, I've decided to 'spend the night' at Caroline's, who was conveniently invited as well.

Back to school party, here I come!

September 17, 2005

Caught!

As was planned, I went over to Caroline's early so we could have time to prepare properly for the busy night ahead.

I thought that I was home free. My mother and her husband – I simply refuse to call him uncle any more – had gone to dinner with some friends and I knew they would not be worried since I was spending the night with the Sherif's daughter at her house.

Wrong! It was not my mother who I had to worry about, but my despised stepbrother, Damon. Who was attending the party as well. It was incredibly stupid of me to not consider that possibility earlier, but I honestly never imagined him to have a social life. Not in our same circle, at least, seeing as he didn't actually get along with any of the jocks at school.

But he was there, only God knows why, and it so happened that he forcibly dragged me from the party by the arm after having found me dancing suggestively with one of his classmates. He literally threw me into the passenger seat of his perfectly restored blue camaro and sped off into the night, cursing and lecturing all the way. I tried to hold my tongue, I really did, but the guy can be so insufferable. Right now I can't remember clearly half the things we said. Suffice to state that they were not pleasant. Even so that halfway home, he hastily stopped the car on its tracks and pulled me out of it saying that he would give me what I wanted and even dared to call me a spoiled brat. The bastard pushed me against the car and kissed me, a hard punishing kiss, which was over as soon as it began.

He looked at me, not saying a word, with such an undecipherable stare that my stomach dropped and my knees weakened. Then he swallowed and said "Curiosity does not excuse stupidity, Elena." And he made his way back to his side of the car, leaving me cold and confused. I didn't even have time to register that he had used my full name, something no one in our family ever does. To them, I'm simply 'Lena. It's not really that much of a difference, but it's there in the way he says it, dragging each syllable painfully. As if it hurt him to speak my name.

The drive home was a silent one, no words were uttered and no barbs were thrown after that. He never looked at me again for the rest of the night and I was too much of a coward to even make a sound. I still can't find the sense in his actions of last night. Nothing would've prepared me for it.

He kissed me. Damon Salvatore, KISSED ME!

The worst is... that I don't know why.

January 13, 2006

Exhausted.

That is what I am. Exhausted from so much rancor, so much resentment. I am now living at my Aunt Jenna's, mother's younger sister's house in Florida. Miami, to be exact. The prospect of such a thing would be enough to thrill any normal teenaged girl. But, not me. I'll be attending a new school starting monday. A private catholic school for girls, taught only by nuns. I thought such things did not exist anymore. It appears I was wrong, as I have been many times before. I will not deny my fault in this. I am here as a result of my own mistakes and no one else's. I shouldn't have rebelled as I did, shouldn't blame others for my wrong choices, but I did.

Damon kept evading me like the plague after he dragged me home from the party, Caroline and Stefan had withdrawn into their own world. Stefan has turned out to be a heartbreaker, they call him Casanova at our school, yet he has never looked my way and I doubt that he will do so after this. And Jeremy is immersed in his studies like there's no tomorrow. He wants to be a doctor like our father was before he died. So I was left alone with my thoughts.

I sought refuge in the company of men, boys really. The parties and the kissing, it all made me feel, made me forget for a while. But it was not enough. I soon started drinking and the rest of my senses were lost. I still can't conceive of the notion of having left the party with Mason Lockwood, one of Damon's classmates and a senior at that.

Ignorance and inexperience were what drove me, as I would've never expected him to act the way he did. Before I knew it, he had taken me to the backseat of his car and threw himself upon me in a drunken stupor. My underwear was ripped off and I can still feel the cold hands gripping at my thighs, it was horrible. Had Damon not interrupted when he did... I don't even want to think about the consequences.

No resentment is held towards my eldest stepbrother he did what he had to by telling my mother, as I had reached the end of my streak. I will always be grateful to him and I will never be able to forget the disappointment in his eyes as he beheld me that night.

March 26, 2010

In love...

Though, not so much.

I thought I was in love. Finally, somebody wanted me as I was and to my greatest surprise, it was someone who I had known for years.

Stefan. He had formed a band with two of his high school friends and they've been touring the underground scene in the States for a while. It seems that they are quite the thing, though I'm not into that kind of music, since most of it leans toward an electronic sound and I'm more atuned to music of the indie rock persuasion.

Bonnie, my college roommate practically forced me to go with her to a club to celebrate her birthday and his band was playing there that night.

He was surprised to see me at first and when the first set ended he literally jumped off the stage and ran to give me a giant bear hug, I think I felt his hand roaming somewhere in a southern direction, but maybe it was my imagination.

After he was done playing, we went back to my place at the dorms to talk, where he confessed that he had been secretly in love with me since we met. Which, if I hadn't been so desperate to believe, should have raised a red flag. I mean, we were only ten when we first met and I distinctly remember his vehement proclamations about how disgusting the female sex was. But there's no worse blindness than that of someone who is unwilling to see. That, and I'm an idiot to booth.

So blind idiot me began a relationship that ended in heartbreak with the gray eyed boy who was supposed to be my stepbrother. The fact that we really weren't related, not by blood anyway, doesn't make it any less shameful when I think back on it. Like I said, blind and idiotic. He cheated and lied and I was a moron for thinking that things between us could work out. Maybe they would have if he had truly loved me, but I see now that it all was a lie. The worst is that I realize now that even I didn't love him myself. Not in the way a woman loves the man she intends on spending the rest of her life with.

Thank God our family never knew of it and if depends on me, they never will know of our failed attempt at a relationship.

One more mistake to add to an ever ongoing list.

And I thought I had left that phase behind. It seems that I still have more growing up to do.

June 12, 2011

Going back.

Aunt Jenna says that it will be good for me to return home, even if it's just for summer vacation. But she doesn't understand that ever since the death of my father eight years ago, I've never had a place that truly felt like home to me. I know a little change, some time off from my banishment should seem like an enormous opportunity for me. But to see all those places and those people again, the fear seems stronger than my dreams of becoming a writer one day.

I will be a stranger at my own family's home. Mother rarely ever comes to visit. Once or twice a year was enough for her conscience to be at ease.

After I dumped him, Stefan never talked to me anymore and our relationship has faded to a memory. Since I only had news of Caroline through him, I know nothing about her either. Jeremy's is in the midst of his going away to college preparations and my friends had forgotten about me, too busy with their own worlds. I was left alone with my thoughts. That is how I learned that no matter what you do and pretend in front of other people, at the end of the day, when you're by yourself, there is nothing left but what you have inside.

As for Damon, I now recognize my feelings for him. The attraction I denied myself to accept. The only knowledge I've had of his whereabouts is that as soon as he finished high school, he left for England, got his bachelor's in business and then moved to L. A. where has been living the good life for almost a year.

Things are better this way, I suppose. His hard looks and judgmental expressions would be almost impossible to bear. I only hope that my childish behavior will be left forgotten in the past, but I greatly doubt it. And now mother called and asked me to change my vacation plans.

June 30, 2011

The world is going to end!

Stefan got engaged and our parents are celebrating it by spending two weeks on a Caribbean island, where a friend of my father has a private estate he let him use. Now I'll have to come face to face with my shame sooner than expected. I hope I can pull off the part of the happy stepsister well enough. I didn't have the courage to ask if Damon would be there, but I'm sure he will.

Tomorrow seems farther away than these six years that have passed.

A/N: The actual story, which begins on the following chapter, will be told in the third person point of view.

I will warn you now that if the characters seem a little O/C, it's because the story calls for them to be that way. They are all human in this story set in modern times and as such, their reactions and behaviour towards certain things would not be the same as seen in the series. Keep in mind that although their reactions may be a little (or a lot) different, their basic personality traits are still the same.

P.S. Reviews = a happy witer... and a happy writer = faster updates ;)