~*~ Beyond Smiles And Tears ~*~

Author's Note: Read this while listening to "Her Most Beautiful Smile"

-----------------------------------------~*~TOMOE~*~-----------------------------------------

"The past must give way to the future", people say. Wilting leaves in autumn know how it feels to fall to the ground, giving way to the young and new leaves yet to bloom. Wilting leaves, like myself. Yet even as I know that I have wilted, I do not know whether I have fallen to the ground, giving way to the new love trying to reach its full bloom or not. Have you thrown away all the things we shared ten years ago? If you have, then I'm sure this new love you found will bloom and never wilt for eternity. Yet I will never throw away all the memories about you as I keep it locked in my heart.

A ray of moonlight. Again, I'm watching you sit on the balcony, gazing at the moon as if you are trying to make eye-contacts with me. I can see you, Kenshin, but I wonder if you could ever see me again in my real form.

Ironic, indeed. That when I seek revenge in you for killing my first true love, I found your love and comfort within you embrace instead. I hope you know that through the short period of time we have spent together, I felt the dying flame of happiness within me lit up again. Even if it could only light the little space in my heart that I reserved for you and Akira, it lit my heart up whatsoever. And even if I am not with you anymore, that tiny flicker of flame is still within me. Tiny yet steady, because even all the darkness I have stacked within my crumpled and lifeless heart cannot put out that one flame you lit. I am grateful for that.

My diary. You looked for it in hope of finding my true feelings and intentions, yet did you know that there are some feelings of mine that I did not put in there. Overflowing feelings I could not understand nor express. You probably know already, that I cannot express anything beyond endless grief and refined pose. Yet I tried hard to express my happiness to you, and I hope you know that already too.

Did you know that I smiled at you before falling into deep and everlasting sleep? Or did you think that I was wincing? I just hope that you can read this and understand how I actually feel, now that I finally know how to express those feelings I did not understand before. The feelings that I thought was bothering me, now seemed to make me smile even wider…

Confusion. That is what I felt when I stayed with you in the ever-so-memorable inn. Confusion between love and revenge, between killing the man, no boy, who killed my first love and learning to forgive and have pity on him instead. Yet without deciding it myself, I guess I have chosen the latter as I have forgotten about the first right at the time I saw the truth that behind the Battousai you was, lies a boy who wants nothing but peace and love.

The moment I woke up in that room of yours, I thought about killing you right away and flee, never to be found again. Yet when I looked at you, I saw a lost boy, trapped between idealism and reality as the reality pushes the idealism off, gulping you into the dark and terrifying truth you now face. I could not kill you. I could not even hurt you. All I can see in you is me, myself. One who is already too confused to actually know what to do then to let the stream carry us away. One whose sanity is fading away with time…

An emotionless mask. A mask I wore since the things I held onto crumbled into dust and ashes, leaving me all miserable and shattered. I did not want people to see me as the fed-up girl who has lost everything other than herself. I wanted people to see me as the refined and proper samurai's daughter who is so dignified that everyone who looked at her would be in awe. Yet I succeeded only in holding the mask of it, and not be the real dignified samurai's daughter in the inside too, as the inner part of me is already too destroyed to be fixed and controlled. I have been taught to control all the feelings I feel since birth, yet the little control I now have over the feelings that raged within me is weakening as each second passes. And I finally understood that you were just like me that time.

Sun setting into the horizon. As we both stood on that bridge that time, I did not know what to feel or what to say. Did you ask me only to stay and help you with your disguise? Or did you really ask me to marry you? I may never know the answer, but I was happy that I stayed with you nonetheless. I cherished those moments and held them carefully in my arms as if they would suddenly shatter and leave me with nothing to hold my smile anymore.

I smiled in the inside as I gazed at the swaying plants you tended with your worn and bloody hands. I never did expect that hands which have never did anything but kill could make a life out of a patch of land, but you changed my opinion by showing me the crimson tomatoes you grew by yourself. I was chuckling inside when you frustratedly set a trap for mouses who kept on stealing your fruits.

Even as I wish that those wonderful moments could come back, I also wish that you would just forget those moments and carry on with your life as there is someone waiting for you on the road you have yet passed. I will hold on to every piece of the love you have given me as I wait for you at the end of your road when I could show you to Akira, and when you would show me the girl with blue eyes you have come to protect and love.

Kaoru. How I envied her for being able to hold the peaceful Kenshin in her arms, and not the Kenshin who is filled with guilt and remorse. How I envied her since she could express all her emotions without breaking herself. How I envied her for being the one who laughed last. I am jealous of her. I am. Yet I am happy for you and her too, as I am sure that she will hold you close in her heart and never let you go. She will be the one who will distance all the terrible past and guilt you had inside you, and she will be your sunshine and your rain forever and ever. You will never be alone again, Kenshin. And you will not be a wanderer again, now that you finally have a home to go to.

The moment I woke up in that room of yours, I thought about killing you right away and run away never to be found again. Yet I did not do that, and I was left with regret that I did not kill you right away. But now, I think it is for the best that I did not kill you, for I might never learn how the boy behind the mask of Battousai is like. And I do not regret dying in your arms, as it is for the best also. I cannot lift all the burden off your shoulders because I, too, had a burden on my shoulder. But Kaoru can lift all the burden off your shoulder and put a garland of love inside your frozen heart. And I am happy for that.

One thing you should know, is that I will always be there for you. Anytime. Anywhere. When you were out walking with your friends, know that I am there too. When you sit around the table for dinner as smiles and laughs fill the room, know that I am there, looking at you with over-flowing joy. When you stay up late at night and sit alone by the garden, know that I am there, sitting besides you, ever knowing all your fears and guilt. Know that you will never be alone anymore. Never…ever…

Remember. All I could ask of you now is only to remember me as I remember you. Yet do not remember me as the emotionless and sorrowful Tomoe. Remember me smiling and ever so joyful, because that is how I am now, smiling at you for all time as the guilt is neither on your shoulders again, nor on mine. Thank you, that you have showed me what life really means, and that you have taught me how to express my feelings. I love you, Kenshin. I hope you would love Kaoru the same as you loved me and even more, that is the most you could ever do for me, love her and make her smile, just as you have done for me.

--And…--

--…The person who wants to see your smile the most is still waiting for you…--

--…wake up quickly and meet her.--

Author's Note: Well, I revised this chapter again, because while I was writing the second chapter which is about Kenshin, ideas about adding some phrases into this one kept on popping up, and I can't seem to concentrate in making the second chapter if those ideas wouldn't stop bothering me. So, I decided to revise this first before continuing the second chapter! Thank you for reading this fic, however, I really appreciates your time while reading this amateur's fic! n_n

I thank you for reading this, but I would be really happy if you would review me as review is the thing that kept me going in making fics, thank you again! n_n