Note: My annoying upstairs neighbor is apparently playing basketball with a bowling ball and it's driving me crazy. If I owned either the Penguins of Madagascar or Hetalia I would be wealthy enough to not live in this pit of despair some people naively call a college dormitory.

To Serve and Protect

Part One

Monday Morning. 0700Hours

Ah, Monday morning calisthenics. None of the penguins particularly enjoyed them, but they knew that if they wanted to start the week off right, they'd need to be limber and healthy. "Come on boys, twist and jump, twist and jump!" Skipper commanded. "Faster! My grandmother can move better than you!" And so, despite much grumbling, the others tried to step up their game, at least, until a rather dark shadow appeared.

"HAAAAAAWK!" Kowalski hollered, immediately hitting the deck. Private followed suit, while Rico coughed up a grenade, ready to attack. Skipper, however, narrowed his eyes, before gasping aloud.

"Hold your fire, Rico! Kowalski! Private! Stand up straight and give the Commander in Chief some respect here!" The "hawk" landed down on the penguins' island and looked around.

"Thank you, Skipper, for the introduction," he said. "And by the way, I'm a bald eagle, not a hawk. Name's Washington. Skipper and I go way back."

"Washington works for the United States Department of Defense, Animal Division," Skipper explained. "We go way back- we were in basic training together. Anyway, sir, what brings you here today? Surely it's not a social call, is it? I haven't heard from you in years!" Washington sighed.

"As nice as that would be, no. I'm afraid it's much more serious than that, and I'm going to need the help of your team for a very special mission. I heard about your work with the parks commissioner- very impressive indeed. But he was small potatoes! I'm sure you've heard about the ZooFest coming tomorrow?"

"Yes, we've been preparing for it for the past two weeks! We have security measures in place, cameras set up, and we'll be patrolling the zoo throughout the whole event. Lots of important people are going to be there. We've got it covered," Skipper explained proudly. Washington shook his head.

"Tell me, do you know the entire guest list?" he asked. Kowalski flipped through his notebook.

"Umm... some movie stars, a few senators, the governor of California, and a bunch of random people. Why?"

"Skipper. Do you remember meeting Alfred F. Jones?" the bald eagle asked. Skipper's beak dropped open.

"You can't be serious, man! He's coming to a minor zoo event like this? How does he have the time? Doesn't he have more important things to be doing?"

"It's the idea of the President. He wants him to get to know the people of the country a little better. But I've taken a look at the humans' plans to protect him, and it's nowhere near enough! What if Dr. Blowhole or the Red Squirrel decides to attack? The humans' plan has mostly focused on human enemies! That's where your team comes in," Washington explained. "You will have to protect Mr. Jones against non-human enemies." Skipper saluted.

"Of course we will! It's an honor to serve!"

"Skipper, who is Alfred Jones?" Private asked curiously. "Is he a very important human?" Washington eyed the penguin suspiciously.

"You're British, huh? I guess you wouldn't know, then."

"Uh-uh," Rico shook his head, looking confused.

"I must admit, I am not sure who you are talking about either," Kowalski added. "Although the name does sound familiar..." Both Skipper and the eagle sighed exasperatedly.

"Yeah, you could say he's a very important human," Skipper said. "In fact, you could say he's one of the most important humans alive today!"

"Alfred F. Jones is America himself," Washington explained. "He is the living embodiment of America itself, in the form of a human man. And he's coming here tomorrow because the president thinks he needs to experience more typical activities that his citizens do. Well, that, and he hasn't taken a day off in a while, and the government thinks he needs to take a break. So he's coming here. To your zoo. But the government is being woefully lax about security and not screening for animal threats, only human threats. That's why the Department of Defense is asking for your assistance."

"Men, this is arguably the most important job we'll ever take. We need this zoo secured tomorrow! No one gets in, no one gets out, not without us knowing about it," Skipper continued. "Don't worry, sir," he said, saluting the eagle. "We won't let you down!"

"I knew I could count on you, Skipper! Your team already is known in our division as a go-to group in case of an emergency here in New York. Your country salutes you," Washington said, getting ready to fly off. "Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get back to the office. Interns, you know- never know how to read the radar." With that, the eagle majestically launched himself into the air and flew away.

"Wow..." Rico squacked.

"How can a person be a country, Skipper?" Private asked curiously. The older penguin shrugged.

"We actually don't have intel on that. All we know is that every country has a human that is the living spirit of the nation itself. Alfred F. Jones is America. And if he's coming here, we're going toneed to make sure this zoo is safer than it has ever been before. The commissioner was small potatoes compared to this, and we all know how important he is!"

"But how are we going to make the zoo any safer than it was for the commissioner?" Kowalski asked. "We outdid ourselves then!"

"You're the genius, I'm sure you'll think of something," Skipper replied. "Maybe come up with some kind of force-field- can you do that by tomorrow?"

"I can certainly try," Kowalski responded. Skipper slapped him.

"Don't give me attempts, man, give me results! You'd better have that force-field up and running by tonight!"

"Right away, Skipper," Kowalski said quickly, heading off for the lab immediately.

"Rico, Private! You two are on patrol! Spend today looking for possible natural threats and neutralize them!"

"Yes sir!" Private affirmed at the same time that Rico squacked his understanding. They hurried off to look for potentially dangerous natural threats to the zoo, such as uneven concrete, or lemur-induced accidents. Skipper stood surverying the zoo for a moment, thinking. Had the government finally gone crazy? The zoo was safe while he was in charge, but how did the country himself have time to do something as frivolous as go to a zoo festival? Chalking it up to a PR stunt, Skipper hopped into headquarters to activate the cameras he had hidden around the zoo. Might as well set up the surveillance station now.

"I'm doing what now?" Alfred asked in surprise, nearly dropping his coffee cup. "Why am I going to a zoo? I thought there was supposed to be a NAFTA meeting tomorrow that I was supposed to go to!"

"It's been postponed," Rahm Emanuel explained. "This is more important. The president thinks that you need to go experience more of the life of the citizens. He thinks that you've been working too hard."

"But I've been working hard because it's necessary," Alfred said. "I've been trying to fix the economy!"

"We know that," the White House Chief of Staff replied. "That's why you need to take the day off. It'll be good, the Central Park Zoo is supposedly one of the best in the country." Not to mention it's probably one of the safest places at this time... it's unlikely that there will be any terrorists there, he thought, but didn't say aloud. Alfred shrugged.

"Sure. That's fine. I'm going tomorrow? How am I getting there?"

"Air Force One," came the reply. "The president is letting you borrow it."

"Awesome!" Alfred exclaimed. He loved taking Air Force One places- it was probably the most awesome plane ever. It even had rooms. Not being the president, Alfred rarely got the opportunity to take the plane anywhere.

"I'm glad you think so," Emanuel said dryly. He's so childish sometimes... he thought, again not saying it aloud.

The zoo. Alfred had to admit, it had been a while since he had taken a day off, and the last time he'd gone to the zoo was over a decade ago, when he'd gone to the Henry Doorly Zoo in Omaha, Nebraska. Maybe it would be cool to go. He liked the zoo, especially the penguins. They were so funny, the way they slid around on their stomachs and waddled and jumped in and out of the water. And lemurs. They were funny, the way they had such fuzzy little tails and acted like they were dancing. Yes, the zoo seemed to be the perfect place to take a day off.

Meanwhile, hiding out in his lair, the Red Squirrel had managed to intercept a few phone calls. So, he thought, America himself is coming to the zoo. It is perfect timing to put my plan into action!

To Be Continued

Author's Comments:

Just a three-shot I thought up while I was frustrated with my neighbors making it impossible for me to study for exams. Seriously, I wasn't kidding when in the disclaimer I complained about my living situation. Listening to stupid people bouncing balls all night is incredibly annoying. Makes me wish I had Rico here so he could go cough up some dynamite. But don't follow my example. If you need to study, make sure you study. This has been your public service announcement for the day.

Um, yeah. This premise. It actually came to me when I was just mindlessly Googling things and I came across a picture of Alfred and a bald eagle. It started making me think, "If the military has an animal branch with penguins, why couldn't the Department of Defense have an animal branch with a bald eagle?" And that's how Washington was born. I kind of wanted to write something with him in it, but talking bald eagles don't really fit in the Hetalia-verse. And then I was channel-surfing (actually I was trying to find CNN) and I clicked onto the PoM episode In the Line of Doody. And then it hit me. Washington could work for the government, and he'd have to go tell the penguins that their security services were needed when Alfred goes to the zoo. It's completely bonkers, and I don't expect anyone else to actually get this idea, but hey. I'm blowing off steam and killing time until I can go home for the Thanksgiving holiday.

Anyway, hope you enjoy this very, very weird crossover. I mean, honestly, who else would think to cross the Penguins of Madagascar and Hetalia? Apparently me.

-Kaboom