Samantha stood outside Alistair's room at Redcliffe castle, clad in only a silken nightgown given to her by the Arlessa. Yet instead of entering her beloved's room, she remained outside, paralyzed by the thoughts racing through her mind. Riordan and Morrigan's words were the only things that she could recall, and no matter what, she was lost at what to do. Yet, she knew that in the end, they would all look to her to be their strength and make the hard choice, but could she really do it?
She tried her best to push the echoing words from her head before she entered. Where she and Alistair would need to discuss the choices ahead of them, for now she just wanted to be with him and enjoy these moments - as best they could. She entered his room quietly and saw him sitting at the foot of his bed, wearing only a pair of leather breeches. Their eyes locked as she entered, and before she knew it, she was swept into his arms.
It had been some months now since the two had become lovers, but in this moment, the two clung to each other in almost desperation, knowing what lay before them. His body was warm against hers, and his lips burned against her own. She knew in this instance that all she wanted was countless more nights like this, but the reality ahead of them was that this was likely their last. Tears brimmed at her eyes, unbidden, and she forced herself to end their kiss.
"I...I can't do this..." she was barely able to whisper. The tears had started to fall quietly from her eyes.
Alistair tilted her chin up so she would look at him and gently wiped a few of the tears off her cheeks. His eyes were confused by her words though. "Can't do this?" There was a tint of hurt in his voice.
She shook her head quickly, her heart aching for the misunderstanding. "No, no, I want us. This, this... decision ahead of us though. I can't do it. I can't make this decision..." The tears came faster, and it was taking her strength to not start sobbing uncontrollably.
He cupped her face, holding her close to him still. "We don't have to talk about this. Not yet." His voice was full of emotion, sounding as if he were barely able to hold back the same despair and sadness that was coming loose from her.
She pulled herself from his embrace and backed up slowly. "But don't you see Alistair, it's there. Even unspoken. I know you can feel it too..." she swallowed the lump in her throat and tried to slow the tears.
"Of course I can! That's why we need this now. I need you right now..." He did not move to her as he spoke, but the raw emotion in his voice spoke volumes despite it, and the last of her resolve broke as she heard it.
"And I need you, which is exactly why I can't do this." The tears continued to fall as she spoke. "I have nothing but you in this world. And what, I'm to choose between your life or mine? How can I do that?" She suddenly felt his arms around her again, and she could see tears running down his face as well. "I love you too much to lose you..."
He tightened his arms around her, and she felt him draw a ragged breath. "But if Riordan fails, what other choice do we have?"
He was right of course. What other choice did they have, except Morrigan's proposal. Morrigan's proposal that she had yet to share with Alistair. She never had any intention of talking to Alistair about Morrigan's proposal. It had seemed insane, but now, being alone with him for what would likely be the last time... "Morrigan...Morrigan said she knew of another way..."
She could scarcely believe it when she heard herself say those words. His arms relaxed about her, and she could see the questioning look in his eyes. "What exactly did Morrigan say?"
She swallowed the lump in her throat. "Morrigan said she knew of a ritual that would enable us to both live after we kill the Archdemon, but..." She closed her eyes and bit back fresh tears. "But...you would have to sleep with her."
As she expected, Alistair walked away from her after she had said that part. "Sleep with Morrigan?!" She opened her eyes back up in time to see him walk across the room. "I don't like being in a crowded room with that woman, but to be alone with her...and in that way..." He shook his head. "No, I don't think I could do that..."
She couldn't help the sob that escaped from her in that moment. Her entire body trembled as she fought back her heartbreak. "But...what about us?"
"That's not fair.." He protested, and she knew it was not a fair question. Yet, she did not care. Her heart was breaking over this decision, and logic and reason were no longer anything she wanted to heed.
"Fair? Nothing in any of this has been fair. We've been forced into everything that we have done, and through it all, my only constant has been you. I have always done whatever has been asked of me, half the time withourt question, and it has cost me everything. Being with you has been the only thing I have ever let myself have. It is the only thing I want any more, and at the end of this, it's the only thing I am told that I cannot have..." Her voice cracked with another sob.
Her tears had long since blinded her, and her legs threaten to give way as she struggled to hold back her grief. He was there then, before she lost the rest of her actual strength, holding her to him once more. She held on to him desperately. "Maybe in time...you could find another..." His voice sounded pain as he spoke.
She looked up suddenly into his eyes, his face as tear stained as her own, and his eyes seemingly tormented between love and despair. "Never. If I lost you now, after all this, I could never find another. It will destroy me..." His arms tightened around her. and he didn't speak. She could see in his eyes that the same held true for him. "Please, please don't ask me to choose..." she pleaded.
Was it a moment, or was it minutes? She wasn't sure how much time passed as she stood there in his arms, neither of them speaking, and tears falling down their faces. "Tell me you want me to do this."
"Are you certain?"
"There are only a few things that I am certain about right now," he said, gently cupping her face. "That even though I hate the thought of what you are asking me to do, I love you more than that. That if I did not agree to this, that I would never let you take the final blow. And that right now, I would storm the gates of the Black City itself to never have to leave you..."
She swallowed the hard lump in her throat. "Please don't leave me, Alistair."
He gently kissed her before leading her towards the door. "Then let us go get this done with..."
Morning had come far sooner than she had hoped. At least it sounded as if it were morning from the muffled sounds of people moving about in the halls. She had intended to stay awake and wait for Alistair to return, but the weariness over the events of the night before had made it nearly impossible. Her mind still reeled from what she had begged him to do for her. She knew it had been wrong of her to ask him, but she could not bare to face the alternative.
Quietly sitting up in the bed, she darted a furtive glance at him, as he lay asleep. How she longed to wake him and have him just hold her in his arms before they left. Her fingers lightly brushed across one of his arms before she slipped out of the bed.
The morning air was colder as the fires in the room had slowly died throughout the rubbed her arms slightly to try to stave off the cold as much as she could in the flimsy nightgown she still wore. She had intended to make a hasty retreat back to her room to put on warmer clothes, in addition to her armor, but her eyes spied her belongings stashed safely at the door.
They would have to leave soon to try and beat the Darkspawn forces to Denerim, She began to move over to her pack when she heard Alistair stir in the bed. What should she say to him? What could she say to him? She stood there frozen for a moment as she tried to think what to say that would not sound pathetic or trite.
Feeling suddenly insecure about being in his room, she hurried over to her packs. "I...I should go and get ready. It's nearly time to leave..." She was about to grab her packs and bolt back to her room when she felt a strong hand grab her arm. With slight trepidation, she turned to face him, only to be pulled into a fierce embrace.
"Let them wait..." he said in a voice full of emotion before hungrily seeking her lips with his own. Her hands reached up and cradled his face as she felt her insecurities melt away into their passion. Regardless of the events of the night before, this could likely still be their last moments alone, and the intensity of that thought seemed to take over them. Yes, they could wait, she thought to herself as he guided her back to the bed.