Title: Never
Author: Nubia
Rating: R, for references to miscarriage and abortion
Warning: If you are sensitive to the subject of miscarriage and/or abortion, don't read!
Characters: Mia, Dom, mention of the team & Brian
Pairing: Mia/Brian
Summary: A poem fic in which Mia reflects. On what is lost, on what will never be found again and on what hurts the most.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything related to TFATF or its characters. I'm simply using the characters for personal use and do not make any profit from them.
Intro
An angel in the book of life
Wrote down an infant's birth
And mentioned as he closed the book
'Too beautiful for earth'
Baja – Mexico
Mia rubbed her tender stomach. It still hurt, even after four days. She felt a slight sting move trough her body as she opened the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. The strong painkillers she grabbed eased the physical pain. Yet, she wondered about the emotional one. What would it take to ease that one? To relieve her of the pain brought along with the event earlier that week.
Closing the cabinet, she stared at her own reflection. She looked tired, worn out. She was aware of that. If only she looked sick, then maybe people would stop feeling pity. Maybe Dom would stop looking at her as if she was going to die. Perhaps it would make Letty and Leon stop avoiding her. A single tear rolled down her cheek. She felt it even before she saw it. Her trembling fingers roughly rubbed it off. She was so tired of crying. She hopes she would soon have no tears left. For a moment, she imagined what it would be like if none of this had happened. What life would be like for her if she had never met Brian. If Dom never started with the heists. If that last heist had never happened or gone this wrong. If Jesse hadn't died and Brian hadn't betrayed her like he did.
Would she have been happy now? Still be in school? Have a good and solid boyfriend she could trust? Would she be alone? She didn't know. She would never find out either. Because all those things did happen. It changed her life. For the worse. She left the bathroom to walk onto the kitchen. She firmly held the painkiller in the palm of her hand. All her movements seemed slow and unsteady.
A glass taken from a cupboard. Her hand moving to make water running. The glass easing under the beam. Even moving the glass up to her lips was difficult. As the glass slipped from her hands, Mia saw it fall to the tiled floor. It seemed to fall in slow motion, like in a movie. "Shit!," she hissed when it splashed onto the floor. She was surrounded by pieces of glass. They seemed to be everywhere. She carefully hopped over the glass to reach for the broom in the back of the kitchen. It was time to clean up another thing in her life. The glass was different though. After all the pieces were cleaned out, so was the memory of it breaking. Mia just couldn't do that for all the other memories of the passed two months.
After finally taking the painkiller, she strode to the couch. She plumped down and sighed loudly. The house was quiet. It was always quiet during the day. Dom, Letty and Leon were out working at the local garage. They got to leave this house. She did not. This unfamiliar house wasn't hers. She knew that, felt it even. She wanted to go home. If she still had a home. Negative thoughts surrounded her every being since they got to Baja. Almost a week earlier, the biggest negative thought entered her mind. Only this one she could never let go of.
She loved Brian. She loved him from their first date at 'Cha cha cha' until that moment. Even after he turned out to not have been honest, she kept loving him. That's why his betrayal hurt so much. Perhaps that was also a part of why Mia now felt so depressed. After all, without Brian, the miscarriage had never happened. When the pains started and Dom had taken her to the doctor, she didn't know what was happening to her. It took hours before the Mexican doctors could tell her what was wrong.
A baby. She carried it. Until she went to the hospital.
Your hands have never played
Your feet never walked
You have never been bored
Never hoped for the future
Nearly fifteen weeks was she pregnant. The stress wasn't the reason she skipped a period. The news hit like a bomb. All through the house. Then Dom had gone off like a bomb himself. He didn't take the news well. Brian hurt her again. Due to her medical knowledge, she knew how far the baby developed at the time of the miscarriage. He or she had a heartbeat already. At fifteen weeks the sex started to develop. She knew it was moving inside her, although she couldn't feel it yet. Fifteen weeks is close to the end of the first half. Yet, she never knew. She'll never feel that baby kick. Never hear it's heartbeat at the doctor's office. Never teach it how to walk, love, talk or do anything else a child should do. Never.
"You good?" Dom's voice sounded through the living room. Mia looked up at her older brother. The tears dried on her cheeks, no longer visible to the naked eye. Still visible to her heart and soul. "Yeah. Fine," she answered. It was no use talking to Dom about it. Even if he wanted to. He judged her for having sex with the man that betrayed him. Betrayed all of them. Still, she didn't care. She truly loved Brian. So she also loved what they created together.
Mia got up off the couch again. She had to start doing something. Otherwise, she would go crazy with all those thoughts running through her. Dom followed her onto the kitchen. He watched her every move as she paced around the small, authentic room. She hated to be looked after like Dom did. A lot about him made her skin crawl these days. She wasn't sure why. Maybe it was the pity in his eyes each time he looked at her. "Mi, you need to snap out of this depression. I understand," he tried to speak. She wouldn't let him. "No, Dom, you don't understand!" She shouted. "No one in this goddamn house understands a damn thing about what is going on with me. That is the problem." She raged. Mia wasn't one to swear, but her outburst was something Dom expected. It needed to happen. He'd rather she yelled at him than a stranger in the market downtown.
"You all look at me like I'm sick, stupid or just a very sad person. I am none of that. I am hurting because I lost something I never knew I had. Something living. Inside me. That hurts, yes! Please stop asking me if I'm okay, good or happy. I'm not and I may not be for a while. I just can't stand seeing the pity on all of you. I can't stand being avoided by Letty and Leon. I just can't stand all of your worries, Dom." Mia calmed down a bit. Dom felt the opposite. As if they exchanged places. She was all he could worry about. All he ever cared for in the world. He let her down before they came to Mexico. Worrying about her and his attempts to take care of her, was what kept him going. "Fine. Leave you alone then," he hissed. Maybe it would be good to keep his distance. It wouldn't mean he'd stop worrying or looking over her.
Mia stood above the stove. She remembered old stories from friends. Going as far back as high school. Friends who told her they had an abortion. Another friend confessed to being pregnant, but not even thinking about keeping the child. A third friend already eleven weeks pregnant before the fetus was taken away. She heard even more stories like that in med school. After all, it could be a problem she'd face once she was a doctor. Not that she would ever be a doctor now. She had been told about a young woman getting pregnant unexpectedly at age 21, to then get an abortion. The woman was pregnant unexpectedly again a few years later. When she didn't even have a solid partner. This time the woman decided to keep the baby. Unable to have another abortion, emotionally. She miscarried before the second trimester.
Mia never understood how people got pregnant so easily. As if birth control wasn't even thought of anymore. On top of that, it didn't seem to matter to anyone that an abortion was difficult. It almost looked like they were simply going to the market, coming home a few pounds lighter. She always told herself she'd never get pregnant just like that. Then she did. Only she refused to get an abortion at all. If she had been given that choice.
It was beautiful, mind blowing, earth shaking sex that made her pregnant. She thought she was in a solid relationship, even if she didn't plan to have a child, yet. She made love to Brian. They created a new life. Without knowing it. That life just never got to live. She contemplated on contacting Brian. She thought about it before, but it became a serious thought after the miscarriage. Only thing was, what would she tell him? That he betrayed her? Stomped on her heart like it meant nothing to him? Still, she thought he had to know about what they did? No, she couldn't do that. To be honest with herself, she knew it wasn't the true reason for wanting to call him. It was because he would sit and listen. He might have felt the way she did. He wouldn't avoid her or pity her. He would be there for her. Unconditionally. Without caring for her getting better, only for her getting things off her mind for a bit. She picked up the old fashioned phone in the kitchen. Her fingers floated over the numbers. An image of him danced before her eyes. Then she put the horn down. Repeated that same movement a few times.
Until she gave up.
Mia walked out through the backdoor. The hot sun heated her skin. She wouldn't call him. Would not hear his voice. Nor see his face. No reassurance that she'd make it through another night. He would not talk to her ever again. Another never. Just like their child.
Your voice has never sounded
Even your heart never needed to thump
Your eyes never looked at us
Cause you have left us
- The end