The Pandorica and the Purple Police Box
Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN THE DOCTOR! And Rory belongs to Maple, and I own a clone 11.
Summary: WARNING: spoilers for "The Pandorica Opens" and also Jossing when the next episode is aired. The RRA go back in time to save the doctor from the Pandorica. Rated for slight language and the usual RRA randomness.
"LISTEN TO ME!"
The Pandorica shut and the Doctor was silenced forever.
Or so they thought.
"OI!"
The aliens turned to find a purple box surrounded by teenage girls.
They all recognised them; Robin's Revenge Army.
"What are you doing with our sexy?" one of them demanded in a Scottish accent – designated Paula according to the Cybermen.
"What do you mean, ape?" a homo reptilian asked.
"What she means," the one they recognised as Annie interjected before another of the girls could kill the offending reptile, "Is why are you locking the doctor into a big box thing?"
"He is responsible for the cracks in time." the white Dalek replied
"Well that's a load of bollocks," a girl in blue jeans and a slipknot T-shirt commented as she tied her dark blonde hair back into a ponytail, "He's not in the TARDIS and it's exploding right now, dumb-ass,"
Everyone stared at her in shock.
"Voldy," a girl in glasses, purple converse, blue jeans and a white camp rock T-shirt commented appreciatively, "I've never heard you use that sort of language before."
"Yeah you sound like Jetfire," another girl, brown haired with green eyes wearing bike leathers, grinned evilly.
"I'm British, Mapley," Voldy grinned in reply, "Jetfire happens to be the only Transformer with an English accent,"
"True," Paula grinned, "So," she turned to face the aliens, "What do we do with this lot?"
"Kill them?" Mira suggested, turning an unlit light-sabre over in her hands.
"Calm the bloodlust for a moment, child," Cee grinned, "We need to torture them first,"
"And you call me the bloodthirsty one!" Mira giggled.
"I agree with Cee," Voldy nodded, "I call dibs on the lizards and boiled spuds!"
"You can't have both!" her sister Mysty exclaimed, "We want to kill them too!"
"The spuds threatened Luke," Voldy explained calmly, "And the lizards killed Rory. I want to kill them!"
"Rory's my husband!" Maple exclaimed, "I should get to kill the lizard people!"
"But I want to kill them!" Voldy whined
"Well I'm not fussy about who I kill," Mira grinned, "I'll kill whichever one I fancy killing."
There was a moment of silence while the twenty something girls pondered this comment.
"Well," Josie grinned, "I call the Cybermen!"
The next two minutes involved the aliens staring in dumb shock as the girls fought over which race of them they were going to kill, only broken when Josie ran up to a Cyberman and stared up at it. It started to speak in it's electronic, emotionless voice "You will be..."
"I don't think so" Josie interrupted. "YOUARENOTACYBERMAN! YOU'RE A STUPID METAL RUINED REPLACEMENT! I HATE YOU!"
"You words do not make sense" the Cyberman told her.
"It makes perfect sense to anyone who's seen any decent old episodes. Earth Shock ring a bell? Intense action, depressing endings? Excellent Cybermen. Emphasis on the excellent. You. Are. Not..."
"No Cyberman uses the word 'Excellent' this is an emotional state"
"!" The other RRA member winced at the loudness of Josie's scream. She lunged for the Cyberman at what seemed an impossible force and strength, knocking the 6-foot metal man to the ground. 'CYBERMEN SAY EXCELLENT" she shrieked at it "CYBERMEN ARE GREAT! CYBERMEN LOOK LIKE THEY ARE MADE FROM TIN FOIL AND ARE GOOD PLANNERS." she started to open its chest and undo its wiring. "I don't know much about computers, but I'm guessing if I pull all this apart you die?" she started pulling. "Basically, you. Are. Not. A. Cyberman. And. if. You. Claim. To. Be. I. Will. Hurt. You."
There was a short pause before the other girls descended in shrieking fury upon the unfortunate aliens.
…
"What's going on out there?" the doctor yelled from inside the Pandorica, "TELL ME!"
"Doctor?" a voice asked from inside his head.
"Wait – Voldy?" he exclaimed, "What the hell are you doing inside my head?"
"Empathy link, sweetie," he could tell she was grinning, "the others can hear you too,"
"HI DOCTOR!" hundreds of voices chorused; the doctor winced.
"If I end up going mad," he said quietly to Voldy, "I may have to kill you,"
"Aw, you were mad looooooong before you met us," Voldy replied cheerfully, "It just took us to get you to realise it. You're sane compared to one of us, and you've had 890-or-so years more experience."
The Doctor resigned himself to being trapped in the box for all eternity; there was no way any of the girls would be able to get him out.
…
Alien corpses littered the floor, along with various cans of paints, hair dye and pink glitter.
The Sontarans were boiling slowly in a large pot while the girls poured over the box, trying to find a way to open it.
"It's sealed shut," L.C concluded; "There's no way we'll be able to get in there without heavy explosives."
"Ooh!" Voldy vanished into the purple box and came back with a blob of white malleable plastic.
"What's that?" Mira and Maple asked as they, Josie and Paula approached the cautious Voldy.
"Don't touch!" she exclaimed, pressing the plastic into the corner of the box, "It's a key."
"A key?" Mira asked, confused, "It looks like –"
"Plastic explosive?" Cee and Mysty raised their eyebrows.
"You'll kill the doctor with that!" Paula shrieked.
"What is it?" The doctor asked from inside the box, "What's going on?"
"We're just using plastic explosive to bail you out," Voldy explained calmly, "Although it isn't any old plastic explosive."
"It's more powerful?"
"Yes," Voldy replied, "And it responds to the name of the guy who sold the original stuff to me." The girls all ran back to their box and put the shields up before the doctor could figure out what Voldy had meant.
"CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS!" the doctor yelled angrily; there was a bang and the Pandorica opened a crack, which was then forced fully open by the determined girls on the outside.
"Great," Voldy grumbled, "I'm out of explosive,"
"We can't use it on these!" Josie insisted, "That'd kill him!"
Voldy shrugged, "It'd get him out,"
"VOLDY!" the other girls yelled; Voldy giggled.
"Joke, my dumplings," she grinned, looking at the locks, "Half-pin double barrel triple twist DNA fragmentary locks" she sighed, "We need the DNA of at least one member of each race that imprisoned him here… on a hairpin."
"Why a hairpin?" Maple asked.
"Because that's the only thing that'll fit in the hole in this bloody machine." Voldy replied, annoyed at the lock for being so unpickable.
The girls set to work extracting DNA from the carcasses – twenty minutes later the hairpin was ready and in Voldy's hand.
"Here goes" she took a deep breath and plunged the hairpin into the little hole at the side of the trap. The machine short-circuited in a shower of sparks and everything that held the doctor in the seat popped out of place and released him.
He leapt to his feet and out of the Pandorica before staring in shock at the carnage the girls had wrought upon the aliens.
"Was this really necessary?" he asked.
"Yup," Voldy grinned, "They imprisoned the one person who could save them – they needed to be punished for their stupidity,"
"God help the universe when you girls take over," the Doctor muttered quietly, horrified by the amount of corpses that littered the floor.
"Hey, girls!" Annie grinned, "Check it out – we wiped out the Dalek race!"
They grinned and high-fived each other.
"I don't think you have," the doctor reminded them, "There were 2 more."
"Yellow and orange, right?" Maple and Mira gestured to the fizzing metal carcasses of the offending pair in the corner.
"Well done," The doctor raised his eyebrows, "You're now the most genocidal maniacs I've ever met."
He was suddenly tackled by Paula
"!" the semi-deranged RRA whispered as she clung round the Doctor's waist and grabbed him tightly. She shut her eyes and just stayed there while several confused people watched her bizarre show of affection.
"I WANNA CLING TO HIM TOO!" Josie suddenly yelled and joined in the tackle-the-Doctor session.
"Don't you feel special, Doc?" Maple giggled; the Doctor glared at her.
"Okay girlies," Voldy decided after twenty minutes of clinging by Paula and Josie, "Time's up. We need to de-explode the TARDIS, save Amy and rescue Rory within the next twenty seconds."
"How, exactly?" the Doctor asked, "That's my timeline, I can't go back there."
The RRA looked at him as if he were stupid.
…
River forced the doors open on a sheer rock wall, barring her escape.
"I'm sorry," she turned to see the TARDIS exploding.
"HI RIVER!" three girls appeared and called in a sing-song voice.
"Who are you?" she asked, "Whoever you are, you're too late; the TARDIS is about to explode."
"That's why we brought this," the youngest of the three produced a black watch.
"Where did you –"
"Maple this is Voldy. You, Cee and Mira need to get out of there. Now."
"We're coming, Voldy!"
"No," the comm growled, "Now. This second, the TARDIS is about to blow."
The girls grabbed hold of River and vanished in a flash.
…
"You are Rory Williams and you're not going anywhere,"
"RORY!" he was suddenly tackled by four girls who pinioned his arms above his head and forced him to stay on the floor.
"Let go of him!" Amy yelled, recognising the girls, "He's my fiancé!"
"He's plastic, Amy,"
She turned to find Voldy holding a small bottle of blue liquid.
"What's that?"
"Voldy," Paula insisted, "We're not using anti-plastic on Rory."
"It's not anti-plastic, Paula," Voldy grinned, "I brought Jazz back to life with some of this. It'll make him human."
"I WANT TO FEED HIM IT!" Josie exclaimed.
"He's our pet" L.C replied, indicating her and Paula, "We'll feed him."
"I'll feed him because I'm his girlfriend," Amy protested.
"I'll do it," Voldy countered to them all, "Because I'm the only one who knows how much to give him."
"How much?" Paula asked.
"The whole bottle," Voldy replied.
She instantly tackled by the Scot who fed the plastic Rory the potion.
Voldy sat up.
"Ow, did you have to tackle me that hard?" she grumbled as the girls stood back and watched Rory twitching on the floor.
"He'll be okay won't he?" Amy asked.
"'course he will," Voldy grinned, "This is one of my finer potions."
Rory stopped moving.
"Great," Josie grumbled, "You killed him Paula."
"Voldy's potion," Paula pointed out.
"Maple's gonna kill us," L.C commented, looking at the body of now-human Rory.
"Ow," he sat up, rubbing his head, "That really hurt – what the hell did you put in it?"
"Stuff," Voldy replied evasively, waving a hand.
"Stuff?" Amy asked, raising her eyebrows.
"A magician never reveals their tricks," Voldy replied, "And an RRA girl never reveals what her plans are. I have plans for that potion and I wanted to see if it worked."
"What plans?" Paula asked.
"Plans in the form of making the model of the bring-people-out-of-fiction machine become real with it," Voldy grinned, "Then we wouldn't have to go to the places and hunt the evil guys."
"But that's half the fun!"
"The other half is torturing the people we don't like and then dumping them back there," Voldy countered, "We could do that in the comfort of our own TARDIS, and nobody would know it was us."
The girls grinned evilly when they realised what Voldy was implying; being able to torture the husbands and claimants they hated and get away with it sounded like a very good idea.
…
"Okay so we've saved Rory, saved Amy and got River out the TARDIS," Mira ticked them off the list, "How do we stop it exploding?"
Everyone looked at the Doctor, who shrugged.
"It should be safe now," he said, "There's nobody in there so it shouldn't explode,"
"What about the weird voice River heard?" Voldy countered, "The external force? That could be potentially dangerous,"
"Potentially?" Maple exclaimed, "It's thanks to him that my Rory got killed and turned into plastic!"
"Your Rory?" Amy asked, "I knew him longer."
"We went back in time and visited the hospital when he was born," Voldy countered, "purely by accident of course."
Maple grinned, "So technically we knew him longer,"
"Before this turns into an epic battle over Rory," Mira interrupted, "Which Maple would win, by the way; what are we going to do about the voice?"
"Give him laryngitis?" Voldy suggested helpfully, eating from a bowl of popcorn.
"Cut out his vocal chords?" Maple added, "Or vocal processor, whichever"
"He's just a voice, Maple," the Doctor replied, "we can't get to his vocal chords."
"Turn down the radio volume then," Mysty grinned, not taking it seriously.
"Not funny, Mysty," the Doctor frowned at the giggling RRA girls.
"OOH!" Voldy suddenly shot off for the second time that day.
"Where's she off to?" Rory asked, feeling rather uncomfortable between Maple and Amy and not noticing that Paula and L.C were creeping up behind him with a dog collar and leash.
"L.C AND PAULA DO NOT PUT A LEESH ON RORY WHILE I'M UNABLE TO RESTRAIN TWO PEOPLE AT ONCE!"
Maple and Amy looked up and glared at the two girls, who sulked and went back to their seats.
"Gee thanks, Voldy," Paula muttered, "We ALMOST had him!"
Voldy bounced back in again and brandished a glowing purple potion, "Ta-da!"
"What's that do?" Maple asked curiously.
"No idea," Voldy grinned, "I only made it just now,"
"You are not putting that in my TARDIS," the Doctor protested.
The RRA girls looked at each other for a moment before tackling him.
…
"I can't believe you're doing this!" the Doctor yelled at the girls as they pushed random buttons on his TARDIS.
"Well," Maple replied, "Believe it,"
"Because we are," Mira finished, pushing a big green button.
"Silence will fall," a creepy voice crooned; Voldy tipped the purple potion on the controls and they sparked until a small man came tumbling out of nowhere.
"Silence will not fall," Paula informed him coldly.
"Because we'll be fighting over husbands for all eternity," Josie added.
"Or just the Doctor generally," Voldy added, picking the little wretch up by his ear, "What do we do with the ginger dwarf?"
"Midget." Mira, Maple and Mysty corrected with a grin.
"I AM THE DREAM LORD!" the midget yelled indignantly, "YOU WILL BOW DOWN BEFORE ME!"
"Yeah," L.C snorted, "when snowflakes fall in hell, Jack stops having a pot plant fetish and –"
"When I watch Hanna Montana. And like it." Voldy added; the other girls nodded with grins.
The dream lord's eyes widened when he realised who he was dealing with.
"Please forgive me!" he wailed, "I meant no harm to anyone!"
"By destroying time?" Voldy snorted, "'course not. Let's lock him in Jack's shed."
Paula and Maple grinned.
"NOOOO!" the dream lord pleaded, "I'll do anything!"
"N'aww you won't."
"I will!"
"Kill yourself?"
He hesitated. "No,"
"So you won't do anything, will you?" Josie concluded, annoyed, "Lock him in the shed."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" the Doctor watched with an expression of pure horror on his face as Josie, Maple, Paula and Voldy dragged the dream lord away to suffer in Jack's shed.
The other girls sniggered as the Doctor fought back an involuntary shudder.
…
"All in all," L.C concluded, "One of our more successful cases,"
The RRA nodded as they sat in a circle with bowls of ice cream.
The Doctor, after bearing witness to a forced marriage between Rory and Maple, and then being forcibly cloned, watching the clones marry several other RRA girls and being forcibly married to Nova, under the watchful eye of L.C, had said goodbye to the RRA and his clones, dropped River off back at prison and went off travelling with Amy and a clone of Rory.
The real Rory, of course, was being protected my Maple against L.C and Paula, who wanted him o be their pet.
"Look, girls," Voldy giggled from where she was sat on the shoulder of Optimus Prime, "you could easily have a clone Rory like Amy does,"
"Not that she knows, of course," Mysty grinned, congratulating Maple and Mira for their ingenious plan once again.
"We want the real one!" Paula whined, "We claimed him after the first episode! He's ours!"
"But Maple claimed him before the first episode," Josie pointed out, "So he belongs to her by right,"
"Exactly," Voldy nodded, "I wonder how the dream lord's getting on…"
"EWWW!" the girls shuddered and hurled pillows at Voldy.
In dodging the pillows, Voldy overbalanced and fell of Optimus' shoulder.
"Eep!"
…
Ta-da! XD
Done!
Also, I would like to add; TWO MORE EXAMS LEFT! WOO! *dances* and now I'm actually going to do some revision for Drama. Review if you enjoyed! :D