Hey folks! So this mushy, nonsensical drabble is something that I couldn't stop thinking about. Sort of what I wished they would have done with Linstead since they still have yet to have a real conversation on the show. It won't happen, but hey, that's what we've got fan fiction for right? Let me know what you think. My apologies for any mistakes. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I do not own or have any affiliation with Chicago PD, its characters, writers, cast or crew.
"Halstead, Lindsay. Gotta talk to you two."
Erin and Jay both turned around at the sound of Hank's voice. They were on their way out to follow up on a lead when their sergeant had stopped them.
"What's up?" Erin asked.
"This Beckett thing is getting tense. Justin and Olive and the baby were caught in the crossfire of it. I don't want a repeat of what happened last night."
Erin shook her head. "Beckett isn't going to get near them again. And he's not gonna get near me either. I can handle myself."
"I didn't say you couldn't. But until further notice, until this case wraps up, both of you are off of it."
Jay scrunched his face. "Why me, serg?"
Erin shook her head again in annoyance. "Hank –"
Hank ignored them both and looked directly at Jay with a glint in his eyes that didn't go unnoticed by Erin. "Can Erin stay with you for a few days?"
Jay blinked, not expecting the request, but quickly nodded as he held his sergeant's gaze. "Of course."
Erin's eyes flickered between Hank and Jay. She saw the momentary look that the two men shared and immediately knew she was out of the loop on something.
"Wait, what? I can take care of myself. I don't need a babysitter," Erin told Hank before glancing at Jay and nudging her partner's side with her elbow. "No offense."
Jay shrugged. "None taken."
"You may not need a babysitter, but you do need backup. Halstead's the one to give that to you. Both of you get out of here. I'll call if there's an update."
Erin sighed. "I don't need to crash with Halstead. I'll be fine at the house."
"Is my company that bad?" Halstead asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Of course not. That's not – this, this is just unnecessary."
"If you're not out of this district in the next ten minutes I'll have you escorted out by patrol. Get going."
Erin rolled her eyes while Jay ran a hand over the back of his head. Hank sighed as Ruzek and Atwater were heard in the stairwell. The sergeant nodded at Erin and pointed over his shoulder in the direction of his office. He turned around and started walking and Erin followed. Jay headed towards his desk just as Erin closed the door to Hank's office.
"You really think he'll come for me?" Erin asked as she stood in front of Hank with her arms crossed over her chest.
"Beckett knows me, Erin. He knows you. He knows where I live and that car bomb last night was him sending a message. This is only the beginning. I got Justin and Olive and the kid put up in a hotel with a detail. If you're with Halstead I know you're safe. Don't fight me on this. Just go."
Erin dropped her arms and rested her hands on her hips. "And what about you? Who's got your back?"
Hank smiled and lifted his hand to the holster on his side. He patted the pistol in place. "I got my own backup."
Erin snickered, shaking her head before she set her eyes back on Hank. "You sure you're okay with me and Jay playing house until you get Beckett?"
"I wouldn't have suggested it otherwise. Jay and I are good. He knows where I stand."
Erin raised an eyebrow. "What does that mean?"
"Don't act like you don't already know," Hank said.
Erin slanted her eyes, her forehead wrinkling. "But I don't. What are you talking about?"
Hank looked over Erin's shoulder through the glass of his closed office door. Hank quickly glanced at Jay who was sat on the edge of his desk talking to Ruzek. He looked back at Erin.
"Halstead didn't tell you?"
Erin shook her head. "Tell me what?"
Hank sighed. "I told him I didn't care what yours and his relationship status was as long as I knew someone had your back."
Erin's eyes bugged out. "What?"
"You heard me."
"But you – you said that we, I –"
"I know what I said. I changed my mind," Hank told her in a careless tone.
"You changed your mind?" Erin asked in disbelief.
Hank nodded.
"Just like that?" Erin pressed.
"Circumstances changed, Erin. You came back to the unit for him. Not me. Not anyone else. Not even yourself. You showed up for him and I can't look past that. It is what it is. You do what you wish with it. Now get outta here."
"But why didn't he tell me?" Erin wondered.
Hank tipped his head towards his office door. "Gotta ask him that. Now go. I'll check in with you guys later."
Erin didn't say another word, only nodded once and turned for the door. She walked out of Hank's office and caught Jay's eye.
"Let's go," she said to him as she walked past his desk.
Her tone was clipped and Jay could tell she was annoyed considering she didn't even look at him as she walked past him. Jay stood from the edge of his desk and followed after her.
He drove them to Voight's house where they did a quick sweep of the place before Erin made her way to her old bedroom. Jay remained downstairs by the front door, hand on his gun and ready to use it if the need to do so arrived. He turned his head when he heard footsteps at the top of the stairs and watched Erin as she walked down them with a duffel over her shoulder. She nodded at him once and he returned the gesture before leading her outside to the Chrysler.
Another fifteen minutes later and Jay pulled into a spot outside of his apartment building. The partners got out of the car and made their way inside to the elevator. They arrived on Jay's floor and he was sure to stay several steps ahead of Erin with his hand on his gun once again. They made their way down the hallway and Jay quickly unlocked the door, pushed it open, and did a sweep of the small apartment while Erin stood in the doorway.
When he gave her the all clear she entered the apartment and closed the door behind her. "Paranoid much?"
Jay rolled his eyes at her as he walked to the door. He set the chain and flipped the deadbolt.
"Rather be safe than sorry," he said as he turned and faced her.
Erin ignored him and plopped her duffel on the floor by a side table, and then took a seat on the couch. She reached for the remote on the coffee table in front of her and turned the television on. Jay unclipped the holster from his hip and set it on the coffee table before he took a seat beside Erin on the other end of his couch.
There was a hockey game playing on the television, but when Jay glanced at Erin he could tell she wasn't into it. Her bottom lip was pulled between her teeth, her arms were crossed in front of chest, and her eyes were looking at the floor.
"Erin," Jay called out to her.
She didn't seem to hear him though, lost in her own thoughts. He reached a hand out towards her and rested it on the top of her shoulder.
"They're gonna get him," Jay told her.
Erin snapped back to reality when she felt his hand on her. She released her lip and turned her head to look at him.
"I know," she said.
"Then if you know tell me what you're thinking about. You spaced out there for a second."
Erin shook her head. "Nothing."
Jay raised his eyebrows at her and squeezed her shoulder. "Wanna try the truth?"
Erin sighed and shook him off her shoulder.
"Erin, what's wrong?" Jay asked.
She tried to keep her cool. Keep her head straight. But the question in her mind wouldn't let her. She sighed again, louder and more annoyed and looked at Jay again. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"Tell you what?"
"What Voight said to you."
Jay swallowed and tried to play it off. "What do you mean?"
Erin's eyes cut into his. "You know exactly what I mean."
Jay released a deep sigh. "Hank said something."
"Answer the question Jay," Erin told him. Her arms were still crossed in front of her chest and her eyes were beginning to glaze over at the idea of him not wanting her anymore. That's the only reason she could think of as to why he wouldn't have told her.
"I didn't think it mattered Erin," Jay said.
"Why wouldn't it?" She asked. Her voice raspier than normal because of the tears in her eyes.
Jay shrugged. "You've had a lot going on. You still got a lot going on and you've been through a lot the last few months. The last thing you should be thinking about is Voight giving us his blessing. It's just not a priority right now."
Erin nodded slowly, turning her head to look back at the television to avoid eye contact with the man beside her. "I guess you're right."
Jay watched her for a moment before he sighed and stood from the couch. He grabbed the remote and switched off the television before he sat down on his coffee table facing Erin. He leaned forward and grabbed her arms, uncrossing them and held her hands in his.
"Hey," he said quietly.
He squeezed her hands and she looked up at him, her eyes filled with tears.
"I thought I was doing you – doing us both a favor. I don't understand why you're so upset."
"I'm just annoyed you kept it from me. It's fine. Let's finish watching the game," Erin told him.
"You weren't watching anyway," Jay said.
Erin didn't say anything. Instead she tried to pull her hands away from Jay, but he wouldn't let her. He shook his head and released one of Erin's hands. He brought his right hand up to the left side of her face and held her cheek in his palm.
"You have to know that I want nothing more than to be with you, Erin. And we got our green light now. Voight's not gonna stand in our way anymore. But we can't just jump back into it either. A lot has happened. You're still dealing with things and this stuff with your mom. I've got your back through all of it, you know that.
Erin sighed, knowing he was right. They couldn't act like the last several months hadn't happened when everything had happened. So she swallowed hard and nodded against his hand. "Then I guess we'll keep things prof–"
Jay quickly shook his head. "Don't you dare say the 'p' word."
Erin cracked a small smile and Jay smiled back with one of his own before he released her hand and dropped his other from her face. He quickly moved from the coffee table to the couch and sat down right beside Erin. He lifted his left arm and threw it over the back of his couch, gripping the back of Erin's neck with a tender hold. Erin's eyes were filled to the brim with tears that were ready to fall as she turned her head to look at him.
Erin watched him for a moment. She could tell by the look in his eyes that he was thinking deeply about something. She needed to know.
"Tell me what's going through your head," she said.
Erin felt the tips of Jay's fingers on her neck as he slid his hand to her right cheek. She immediately leaned into his palm and the pad of his thumb moved over the soft skin of her cheek.
Erin watched Jay take a quick breath and run the tip of his tongue over his lips, seeming to contemplate his words still. He took one more deep breath. "I know your past, Erin. I know where you've been and what you've done. And I'll probably scare the hell out of you by saying this, but I'm gonna say it anyway okay?"
Erin swallowed and nodded, waiting for him to continue.
"I love you, Erin."
Erin inhaled sharply not expecting those words to come out of his mouth and swallowed back the lump she felt forming at the back of her throat. Jay cleared his throat, his hand still gripping the side of Erin's face. His eyes stayed locked on hers.
"And I love all of you, ya know? Not just you as a cop, as my partner, but for the strong woman that you are. You're one of the toughest people I know, but I love that you let me be one of the few people that gets to see your vulnerable side. For letting me see you broken and scared. For trusting me to see you completely. For trusting that I could handle it. Because I can."
He paused a moment, taking one more quick breath before he continued.
"You're my best friend, Erin. And maybe one day you and I will be real enough again and I'll be able to call you mine, but for now I just – I just want you to be healthy again. I want you to stay clean and be happy again. I want you to be you. The rest can wait."
The tears fell from Erin's eyes and she sniffled twice, breathing deeply as she lifted her right hand to cover Jay's at the side of her face. She pressed her palm against the top of Jay's hand and he noticed her part her lips to speak, but closed them before uttering a sound.
"You don't need to say it back, Erin. I don't expect you to. I just want you to know that I do feel that way about you, and that I'll always be here for you – as friends and partners, and whatever else the future has in store for us. Whenever you're ready, okay?"
Erin sniffled again and nodded her head slowly. She pulled her hand from Jay's and reached for him. She fisted the front of his shirt and pulled him towards her, pressing her lips against Jay's before he could stop her. It was the kind of kiss that reminded him of when they were together. Before she lost Nadia and lost herself and fell down a rabbit hole. The kind of kiss that told him she loved him without her needing to say the words aloud.
When Erin pulled her lips away from Jay's she realized his other hand had moved to her waist. He still held the side of her face in the other and once her eyes found his bright blue ones she smiled at him. And then she leaned in to place a kiss against the corner of his mouth before she whispered against his cheek.
"I'll always be yours."