Disclaimer – Stephenie Meyer owns everything Twilight and their character names. All plot lines, backgrounds, characterizations and details belong to me: BellaJade0919. No Copying and reproduction of this work is permitted without express written authorization. © 2011 BellaJade0919.
THIS STORY CONTAINS ADULT SUBJECT MATTER AND STRONGLY CONTROVERSIAL TOPICS, AND DRUG USE. IF YOU ARE NOT ABLE TO VOTE, OR LEGALLY BUY A PACK OF CIGARETTES OR DRINK ALCOHOL THEN YOU SHOULDN'T BE READING THIS. SO BEAT IT!
Don't Know How To Be Something You Miss
But now I'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes
All that I know is I don't know
How to be something you miss
Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips
~Taylor Swift – Last Kiss~
~Bella~
As I laid on our bed, crying and clutching my pillow for dear life, all I could think about what was what led me to this breakdown. Images of our fateful conversation run through my mind... Watching him as he stood there, telling me that he did not want me and that he was in love with someone else.
"I don't love you!" Edward yells. "I never have. I was just with you because I needed someone to keep me occupied until the one I truly loved became available and now she is. So I'm leaving you to be with her."
"Edward, please stop. I know you don't mean that. Your kisses and the way you hold me show me otherwise."
"It's called acting, Bella."
My vision blurs from my tears and my head is pounding. I get up from the bed and walk to my bathroom in search for some aspirin. I stop my search when I get a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I see the dark circles from not sleeping for three straight days and my eyes puffy from all the crying. I wipe my tears away and turn on the faucet to wash my face. I take a few deep breaths before opening the medicine cabinet and taking out the bottle of aspirin. Walking out of the bathroom with the bottle in my hand, I start to think about him again.
"Don't do this, please," I plead to him while sitting on the bed.
"Bella, you need to understand that I am not in love with you. Just forget about me and what we had because it was all a lie," Edward says softly but pointedly. He walks across the room and grabs his suitcase and then walks out.
I sit quietly as I hear him walk down the stairs and eventually out the front door. I curl up on his side of the bed, grabbing his pillow and inhaling his scent. My tears start to fall instantly as I feel my heart shattering into a million tiny pieces.
Standing by the door to our bedroom, I look around and see reminders of our life together. A picture of us on our trip to Paris, standing underneath the Eiffel Tower; the teddy bear he won me at the county fair, and his baseball bat in the corner of the room.
I walk slowly towards my desk and turn on my laptop. It's been a week since I emailed my dad. I didn't have the courage to tell him about Edward and I. He loved Edward like a son, and if he found out what he'd said and done to me, my dad, without a second thought, would hurt Edward ten times more than what he did to me. So instead, I just tell him everything is fine and that I will be going to visit him soon.
After writing to my dad and calling Jessica to tell her I would need a couple more days, I crawl back into bed to try and fall asleep. I toss and turn, over and over, knowing that I still won't be able to sleep yet another night. I decide to get up and find something to do, just to keep my mind off things for awhile. I go downstairs and into the kitchen, and grab the kettle from the stove, pouring some water in it to make some tea.
I stare out the window and think about what could have been the reason for Edward to stop loving me. I think of every interaction or conversation we ever had, trying to get a clue of when things changed for him. My thoughts are interrupted when I hear the kettle whistling. I grab my mug and pour the water to make my tea. With steaming mug in hand, I walk into the living room, and settle myself into Edward's favorite chair.
I take small sips of my tea as I look around and notice that Edward even took his keyboard. "How didn't I notice that a few days ago?" I quietly ask myself as fresh tears stream down my cheeks. The pain is too much to take, so much that I throw my mug across the room in a sudden fit of despair. The hot liquid splatters everywhere and the mug shatters into pieces.
"Edward, why did you do this to us? Why did you have to break my heart when you promised to love me?" I scream, finally allowing the words I have been denying to say since he left. "I hate you for leaving me like this!" I wipe my tears away and get up and run upstairs to grab his baseball bat.
I rush back down and start swinging at all the pictures of us from our life together. After everything is smashed to pieces, I drop the bat and slowly walk to the kitchen. I open the drawer and pull out the largest butcher knife I can find. I stare into the cold steel for a moment, and red eyes stare back at me, products of the tears I was shedding while destroying any evidence of our life. I narrow my eyes and grip the knife firmly, walking to Edward's chair. I plunge the knife deep into the leather, and keep stabbing until I run of strength. Exhausted, I drop the knife by the chair, and pick myself up and walk back upstairs.
I sit down at my desk and grab a paper and pen. I look at the blank sheet for a few minutes before I get up the courage to write the few words to explain what I am going to do. The words flow through me quickly once I begin. After I'm done writing, I read it to make sure everything that I need to say is there.
I have come to the conclusion that my life is not worth living if I no longer have the love of my life with me. Edward, I love you, and forever will, even if you didn't love me. Charlie and Renee, please forgive me for my actions. You have been great parents and I will miss you like crazy. Carlisle and Esme, please do not be too hard on Edward for this. He will need you and the rest of the family after this. Alice, you are like the big sister I never had. I love you and want you to have all of my things. Jasper and Emmett, Edward will be a wreck. Please look after him. Jake, you were a true friend and I will never forget how you helped me when I first moved here to Forks. Thank you for my truck.
Forever yours Edward,
Bella
I place the letter beside my laptop and get up. I walk with purpose to my bed and grab the bottle of pills. I pop open the top and pour them into my hand. I swallow each and every one.
I lie down and relax... wait, letting the pills do their job. I clutch the only picture I didn't destroy in my hand. A picture of Edward and myself at Prom, the night he said I love you for the first time. I look at the picture, memorizing Edward's face, as I close my eyes one last time. My breathing gets shallow and I feel at peace. I whisper Edward's name as I take my very last breath.
~Edward~
Clutching my bottle of whiskey, I take a big and final drink before throwing it across the room. I pull at my hair, hating myself for hurting the one person I loved the most in my life. But it had to be done. I needed to do anything I could to save Bella from this nightmare I am now living.
"Edward if you love her, you need to leave her to protect her," Jasper tells me, while he clasps his hand on my shoulder, as if by doing so it would calm me down. I just looked down at the floor, and tried to muster up the courage to do what I knew I had to do.
Walking out of our house was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, and it is the one thing I will always regret. I got in my car and drove away from my happiness. If I would have stayed, my past would have definitely destroyed her. James and Victoria Scott were the reasons why I had to leave. My testimony against James landed him in prison for 15 years, but that day I got a call from the lawyer telling me that James was being released on parole. He only served five years of his sentence. I knew I needed to enter witness protection because he would come after me and my loved ones.
The lawyer gave me until the next week to enter witness protection. I decided to stop at the bed and breakfast we stayed in Vermont on our one year anniversary. When I entered the room, I realized it was the same one I shared with Bella. I fell to my knees and cried until I couldn't breathe. The days passed and I was so drunk I didn't even know what date it was. The ringing of my cell phone woke me up. I looked at the clock and saw that it was 2:37 pm. It just kept ringing and ringing and the fucking thing was annoying the hell out of me. My family knew I needed to be alone, so they knew not to call unless it was a true emergency. I grabbed my cell and answered it on the fourth ring.
"What's up, Jasper?"
He stayed quiet for a moment until I heard him clear his throat. "Edward, how quickly can you come back to New York?"
I stood up too quickly and almost fell down from the dizziness. "Jasper, what the fuck is going on?"
"It's Bella." My heart stopped when he said her name. "She is….." Jasper hesitated and that just made me more impatient.
"Jasper, what's wrong with Bella?" I screamed at him.
"She's dead, Edward." The moment he said those words, I dropped the phone and ran to the bathroom and threw up. After a few moments, I tried to calm myself down, and I got up and went back into the room to talk to Jasper. I stared at my phone as I dialed his number.
"Edward, where are you? Emmett and I will come and get you," he said the instant he answered.
"I'm at the Bed and Breakfast I took Bella to on our anniversary," I told him softly.
"Okay, stay there and we will be there as soon as we can." Jasper said goodbye and I sat on the bed in shock, thinking about everything. Thinking of all of the questions that I needed answers to, but feared I would never get. What happened to my angel? When did this happen? And then it hit me like a ton of bricks... It's entirely my fault. She's dead because of me.
The pounding on the door brought me back from my thoughts. I got up and slowly walked to the door, unlocking it and letting my brothers in. Emmett gave me a big bear hug as Jasper went to pack my things.
"You need to be strong, Edward. Chief Swan and Renee will need us all to be strong during this," Emmett told me as he let me go and closed the door behind him.
"Jasper, what happened?" I managed to get out without falling apart. I looked at him, trying to gauge his expression, wanting the words to pour out of him, but he just stood there quietly. My eyes pleaded with him, but "I'll let dad talk to you when we get home, he knows more than I do," is all that Jasper would tell me.
I sat down on the bed and quickly put on my shoes and then grabbed my jacket, along with my wallet and cell phone. Emmett took my luggage to my car while Jasper and I went to the lobby to check out.
"Edward, let me drive us home in your car and Emmett will follow us in his." I looked at him furiously; he knows that no one drives my car, especially since Bella helped me pick it out. He quickly backed off when he saw my angry glare.
The drive back home seemed like forever. All I wanted was to just get to our house and find out what had happened. As soon as I saw the turn for our driveway, I took it quickly, needing to hear it straight from Carlisle as soon as possible. I got out of the car without even shutting off the engine, and ran into the house, screaming for my dad.
"What is going on here?" Rosalie asked as she came out of the kitchen. She suddenly stopped when she spotted me, and her face dropped, the sadness unmistakable. "Oh Edward, I'm so sorry."
Carlisle walked in and came straight to me; he gave me a hug and then told me to meet him in his office. I tried to stay strong as I walked to his office. I caught a glimpse of Esme in Alice's room on my way, comforting her as I heard my sister cry. I made it into Carlisle's office and sat down on one of the chairs, my head hanging low and pulling at my hair as I waited for him.
"Edward, do you need anything?" Carlisle asked when he walked in. I shook my head. "Just tell me what happened to Bella," I told him quietly.
I looked at him and saw his hesitation to tell me. "Please, Carlisle, I need to know."
Carlisle took a deep breath and looked me in the eyes. "Bella committed suicide. I was not allowed on her case since it was a conflict of interest, but I found out that she was found by Angela, and she called for help but it was too late. Bella had swallowed a whole bottle of aspirin." He stopped talking when he noticed that I was pulling my hair out. "Edward, stop please. You need to stay strong. That is what she wished."
I lifted my head and looked at him, shocked. "What do you mean, wished?"
"She left a note on her desk. She wrote to all of us and mainly asked for us to look after you," he said to me.
I just stopped breathing as I found out that her dying wish was that I was taken care of. Even after hurting her with my lies, she still loved me so much that she wanted me to be okay. How can I be okay with her gone? She was my reason for living.
"Edward, Charlie will be here later after the house is cleared for entry. He wants to get a few of her things. He wants to talk to you. I think he wants to know why you left Bella," Carlisle told me.
"This is my fault. If I would have never lied and left her like I did, she would have never done this," I uttered the words to my father, shame flooding over me. Carlisle got up from his seat and walked over to me. He held me in his arms as I broke down. There was a knock on the door and Carlisle called for them to come in.
"Carlisle, Charlie is downstairs and would like to see you and Edward," Emmett told him. Carlisle instructed Emmett to tell Charlie we would be right down. He waited a moment, making sure I was calm before we walked down to see Charlie.
"Hi Charlie, my deepest condolences to you and Renee," Carlisle said to Charlie as they shook hands. We all sat down on the couch and my breathing started to speed up as I felt the pressure of Charlie's gaze.
I found the courage to finally talk to Charlie, but before I could say anything, he asked me the one question I was dreading most. "Why did Bella say you didn't love her?"
I swallowed hard before speaking, "It was something I said to her a few days ago, but I said it to save her from the truth. Please Charlie, you need to believe me when I tell you that I love Bella with all my heart and this is the last thing I wanted to happen. I was going crazy missing her and I was getting ready to just come back to her." The words spilled out so fast, he just sat there quietly for a minute.
"Save her from what truth, Edward?" Charlie asked me.
"I needed to enter witness protection and I knew I could not ask her to leave her life she loved so much to go into hiding with me. I knew that if I did, she would hate me for taking her away from you, Renee and all of her friends. I needed to just convince her to forget about me and move on with her life." I stopped talking and choked back some tears.
"Why didn't you tell someone? We might have been able to help you." Charlie said angrily to me. "You should have given her a choice, Edward. Let her decide. She would still be alive! You should have let her choose!" He continued berating me, while I looked down, pulling at my hair.
"No one could have helped me Charlie, not even my own parents! I fucking wish I didn't witness James committing murder. None of this would have happened. Bella would still be here and it's entirely my fault that she isn't!" I yelled with fresh tears streaming down my face.
"Edward, you didn't give me a chance to help you. You just decided to leave everyone behind, just to protect yourself," Charlie yelled back at me.
"I was protecting her! I love Bella more than anything and knowing it's my fault she's gone will be something that will haunt me for the rest of my life." I was completely dejected.
"Okay, let's just all calm down for a bit. We are not here to attack each other in this difficult time. If Bella were here, she would be very upset with us," Carlisle told us both calmly.
Charlie got up from the couch and walked over to me, hugging me tightly. "I know you love her Edward. I just needed to know why she believed you didn't love her. And you are not responsible for this. Do not beat yourself up for it. I also wanted to give you this. She was holding onto this." Charlie placed in my hand the picture of us at prom. I couldn't take it anymore and I began to cry.
Carlisle and Charlie talked briefly as Esme and Jasper took me to the kitchen to calm down a bit and drink some water. "Oh my darling son, I would do anything to take this pain away," Esme whispered, as she ran her fingers through my hair. I just laid my head against the kitchen counter, feeling the cool marble against my forehead. After Carlisle said goodbye to Charlie, he walked into the kitchen and told us that Bella's funeral would be tomorrow morning. Carlisle offered me a sedative but I refused it. I told them goodnight and headed for my old bedroom.
I couldn't sleep at all that night. I kept tossing and turning, thinking of Bella and how I was the one who ended up destroying her life. Around three a.m. I heard a soft knock on my door, and knew that the only person it could be at that time was Alice. I told her to come in and she quietly entered my room. She sat down on the edge of my bed; her eyes still had tears flowing from them. I moved closer to her and just hugged her.
"Why did she do this Edward?" she asked, wanting to know the reason from me. I just looked at her dejectedly. I didn't know why Bella decided to end her life. "Alice, you should go rest. Tomorrow will be a long day and we need to be there for Charlie and Renee."
She quietly and sadly left my room, but I still couldn't sleep. I stood by my window, watching as the sun started to appear over the mountains. I grabbed a towel and headed to the bathroom to take a quick shower. When I came out, I noticed that Esme had laid out my black Armani suit. The same suit I planned on wearing when I proposed to Bella before any of this had occurred. I blocked out the thoughts of what might have been, and finished getting dressed. I skipped breakfast and got in my car to go to the funeral home alone.
When I walked in my heart started to ache as I saw both Charlie and Renee crying. I slowly made my way to them and hugged them both. All three of us shed unbearable tears of pain, not wanting to come to terms with the reality that in a few short hours we would be laying Bella to rest. The whole town of Forks came to pay their respects to Charlie and Renee.
One by one, everyone from my family, and Bella's friends laid a rose on her casket. Charlie and Renee allowed me to be the last one to say goodbye to her. I walked up to her casket and dropped to my knees. I begged her for forgiveness. I told her that I loved her and only her. That no one would ever hold my heart like she did. I kissed her casket and laid my rose down on the top. I tied the engagement ring I bought for her to the rose. I stepped back and stood next to Charlie and Renee as they lowered her casket into the ground.
"Goodbye, my love. I will join you soon," I whispered when everyone left me standing there alone.
~The End~
A/N Please do not hate me for this story and don't hate Edward for leaving. He regretted it from the moment he uttered those words to Bella. I was in a dark place when I first started writing this story, but I needed to finish it for my own closure. I want to thank (at)melarimo for being my pre-reader and helping me with the fluidity of the story. I also want to thank (at)LightInHisEyes for also being such a great friend., who has always been there for me; especially when I was in this dark place. You can leave a review if you like. If you want to chat you can find me on twitter. My username is (at)bellajade0919. Thank you for letting me write this even if you don't agree with me on how it ended.