DISCLAIMER: We own nothing. Not the Slayers, not the PPC, not Miss Cam, OFUM, MUSM, Teena, Wyldehorse, nor the story we PPC'd. Well, we do own ourselves, and Laih owns her Minis, but other than that, nada. If you feel the need to flame or bash us in any way, go ahead! We won't laugh at you if you flame us in a cohesive manner, and we'll probably listen to some of the things you say. Just do it in the reviews. We don't want your angry emails clogging up our inboxes. Sorry!
It was a perfect sunny day. The birds were singing joyfully, the trees were a brilliant shade of green, and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. All of this beauty was absolutely wasted, however, on the agents dwelling inside the PPC headquarters. The fact that the building had no windows may have had something to do with it. Wandering around the soulless, bleak interior was a smiling agent by the name of Laih. Laih had just emerged successfully from her Mary-Sue assassination training, quite pleased with the remarks given to her by her teachers. Little did she know that the teachers said the same things to everyone, just to get agents out into the various fields. The Marquis de Sod, Director of Personnel, was swamped trying to find enough agents to protect the various Continua from the evil blights they now faced.
Laih cheerfully meandered through the hallways, running her fingers absentmindedly along a scorch mark on the wall. It had been an hour and a half since the Sunflower Official had called her to its office, and Laih was completely and totally lost. How was one supposed to find an office if everything looked the same? Sentient plants had no sense of interior design and decoration. Finally, Laih spotted a brown haired girl wandering the halls. The girl, obviously another agent, was wearing a black tee shirt with a potted cactus logo on the sleeve. She had headphones on, and Laih could hear strains of a German band coming from the speakers.
Excuse me, she asked, tapping the girl on the shoulder. Could you tell me where the Sunflower Official's office is? I've been looking for it for a while now.
The girl took off her headphones. You're a newbie, arencha? Well, the only way to find anything around here is to not look for it!
Sorry? I don't really understand.
Just distract yourself! If you're distracted, then you won't notice the time, and you'll be there! The girl put her headphones back on and started singing loudly to the music. She turned a corner and was out of sight.
Ah, okay! Thank you for your time! Laih called, smiling. Well, that made sense, she supposed. Now all she had do to was think of a way to distract herself. She didn't have any music, or anyone to talk to, or any gum to snap loudly. Well, maybe she did, but it was buried in her duffel bag, and Laih was to lazy to dump all of her belongings into the middle of the floor to root for stuff. Besides, that could trip some other hapless person, which wasn't very nice. She would just have to be creative and think of another way to be distracting! Maybe she could hum, or hop on one foot, or-
BANG!
Laih had been so busy thinking of ways to distract herself that she bumped into a wall. It was a dead end. Upon closer examination, however, Laih was able to discern faint lines in the wall the same shape and size of a door. She knocked on the door, a gentle, timid rap. Maybe whoever was inside would know where the S.O. was!
The door swung open mysteriously. At least, it was mysterious to Laih. She hadn't touched it. Come in, come in. You're so late that it's unbelievable. What good luck! She found the Sunflower Official's office!
Excuse me, Mr. Sunflower Official, sir! I am very, very sorry! I couldn't find your office! You might want to consider painting your door a different color. I could barely tell that there was a door at all! Erm, I'm not entirely sure what gender you are, I don't even think plants can have genders, but can I refer to you in the masculine form?
Yes, yes, that's fine. Just get in here. The sunflower looked rather disgruntled, for a plant anyway. Well, at least you showed up. I can't tell you how many times newly trained Agents skipped out. Welcome to the Department of Mary Sues.
Thank you, sir! I'll do my very best to utterly decimate any and all who harm the Continuum! Laih replied cheerfully.
Right, then. Since you know Japanese cartoons better than you know Lord of the Rings, and since we only have two agents in the anime Continua as of now, you are being assigned to the Department of Mary Sues: Anime Division. Your partner has already reported to me and is waiting in your new home. All of your equipment is, I trust, in working order from your training?
Yes, sir!
Good. Visit the store if you have any other needs. Makes Things will provide you with any and all instruments you break. Here, take this. The flower pushed a scrap of paper towards Laih with its leaves. On it was scribbled a number. This is your response center number. I wrote it down so you wouldn't come back and ask me again when you forgot. Now get out of here. I want you gone ten minutes ago. I have work to do.
Thank you sir! Bai bai! Laih called, exiting swiftly. She looked at the paper. Room 17905? Or is it room 72485? Plants cannot write! Oh, well! I'm sure I'll find it eventually! Now that girl with the German music said that in order to find anything, I have to not be looking for it, right? Okay! Laih said, shifting her duffel bag more comfortably on her shoulders and smiling happily. She proceeded to stick her fingers in her ears, whistle the national anthem loudly and off key, and walk backwards. A sight such as this was not uncommon in the PPC headquarters.
She stopped when she hit a door someone just swung open. Itai! There has got to be an easier way to locate things.
Are you all right? the someone who opened the door asked.
Laih replied, looking at the door number. It was neither 17905 nor 72485. It was 1258. Well, it was better than nothing!
said the someone, reentering the room.
As she looked around, Laih noticed that there were other doors close by. One of them was numbered 17906, and another 72484. The one directly across the hall was 1999. Below the number was scribbled in black marker CLAMP Central'. Laih grinned at the joke, and wondered who lived in there. Figuring she was close to where she needed to be, Laih poked her head into the room. she called. Anyone here?
I'm here! a female voice called. Who're you?
Ano... I'm Agent Laih, DoMS: AD, and I think this is where I'm supposed to be! Are you looking for a new partner, by chance?
Correct! C'mon in. I'm Mimarhan. I'm a new agent, too. Hey, you're the girl from the hall. Sorry about that. The room was getting stuffy, so I opened the door for some air. You should be more careful, though. When you walk around backwards, you tend to bump into things. Laih peered at the speaker, a short, skinny girl with close cropped orange hair and glasses. She was wearing a black tee with the potted cactus logo as well, but this cactus had a large sweatdrop near its top.
Mimarhan tossed Laih a shirt. Here's your uniform. Drop your junk wherever you feel like it.
Do they usually partner two newbies together? Laih asked, dumping her duffel bag next to the utilitarian couch. Not much here by way of decoration, is there?
Nope. And, no they don't usually have two newbs together, but the Marquis de Sod is desperate for agents. Competence is an option, I guess.
Are there any other anime agents?
Sure. Teena and Wyldehorse are just across the hall, actually, Mimarhan said, waving her arm in the vicinity of the door. In the CLAMP Central' room. I met them when I was waiting for you. I think they be gone on a mission now, but when they come back, we can go bother them.
Sounds good! Laih exclaimed excitedly. How wonderful this all was! Mimarhan noticed Laih's happy expression.
Hey, Laih? How hard did you hit your head? What's the deal with that goofy smile? You haven't stopped grinning like an absolute idiot since you got here.
I'm just really happy! I always am!
What, like Soujiro from RK? Mimarhan asked, wary of anyone who repressed his or her emotions until the breaking point. Breaking points were always, always messy.
You know, you are the twelfth person to ask me that! No, I can feel anger and sadness and everything, I guess. I just never do! I'm usually pretty happy! Laih responded, smiling.
What, like Milly Thompson from Trigun? You look like her, come to think of it.
Yes! That's a good description, actually. That's me, always smiling!
Even though Laih seemed sincere (and innocent) enough, Mimarhan was still disturbed. What was a happy, simplehearted girl doing in an assassination department, for crying out loud?
I don't know! Maybe I'm just really centered? Laih said unconcernedly, fishing a water bottle out of her duffel bag and taking a sip. Or really uncentered. I'm not sure which, yet.
Hn. Well, I'm going to sleep. Don't wake me. Mimarhan said, lying down on the couch. She was asleep in an instant. Laih looked at her sleeping partner, and decided that sleep was good. She lay down on the floor, and closed her eyes.
Laih, get up! The something was now shaking her, and speaking more loudly.
Get your cheerful butt up! The same something had now reduced to kicking her awake. Laih, not big on pain, sat up, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes.
Whazzit? Whasamater? she asked, disoriented. Her partner was looking down at her, grinning.
C'mon! Teena and Wyldehorse just got back from their mission! Let's go talk to them. Mebbie they can give us tips and stuff, Mimarhan said walking out the door. Laih got up, ran her fingers through her hair, and followed suit.
They knocked on the door across the hall; Laih was not sure what to expect. Mimarhan didn't give any description of the senior agents. They heard the sound of two voices, and several growls. Laih was beginning to get worried. Surely there wasn't anything inside PPC HQ that was dangerous to an agent?
The door was opened by girl with a long braid. Who're you? she asked.
Uh, I'm Mimarhan, the new agent you met earlier, member? This is my no-longer-MIA partner, Laih.
I'm very pleased to meet you! Laih exclaimed, bowing in the Japanese fashion. The girl returned the bow.
Welcome aboard! I'm Teena, and the girl surrounded by the various Minis is Wyldehorse. C'mon in! We'll help get you started. Careful, there's a lot of crap on the floor. The two newbies entered the response center, trying very hard not to step on anything. This was difficult, as two otaku pack rat agents with a small room collect a lot of stuff. Mimarhan stumbled on a small hot plate and teakettle, almost stepping on a Mini-Balrog.
KAWAII DESU NE!! Laih squealed at the sight of the Minis. I want, I want!! How can I get?
Hyper, innit she? Wyldehorse asked Mimarhan.
I guess so. What's really weird is that she's happy all the time. Snot natural, Mimarhan replied. Wyldehorse nodded sagely. Laih was currently trying to play with Gadnalf. The Mini was enjoying it, but Laih was looking worse for wear. She had large singe marks on her pants, and her light brown hair was smoking slightly.
Erm, Laih, you may want to wear oven mitts before you play with the Minis, Teena said, trying to remove the tall agent from the Mini. Miss Cam lets you adopt the Mini-Balrogs. Poor things, they're spawning left and right. No one can spell names. I don't get it. Here, you can ask her very nicely and she'll probably let you have one.
Laih said, beaming. She was going to get a Mini! How exciting!
You probably want to know the basics, right? All training teaches you is grammar, spelling, characterization, and aim. It's not very good about field work; the Flowers that Be are so desperate for agents that they kinda cut corners, Wyldehorse said. Well, let's just do a basic rundown of charges and equipment. Which of you is the Weapons master, and which is the Magic master?
Laih and Mimarhan looked at each other. I was much better with weapons in training, said Mimarhan proudly. You name it, I could use it. Swords, guns, slingshots, arrows, weapons of math instruction, anything. I like muh weapons.
How wonderful! I was much better at casting spells in training. I mean, I can kind of use a sword or dagger, and my aim's not too bad, but magic is more of my thing. It all works out so nicely! Laih stated cheerfully. When you think about it, it's almost like a plot device, she added thoughtfully.
Yeah... Moving on. Wylde-chan, why don't you show Mimarhan your tricks of the trade, and I'll show Laih mine, Teena said, taking Laih aside. Ready, kid?
Yes, Teena-sempai! Laih said, beaming.Mimarhan and Laih strode out of CLAMP Central' two and a half hours later, both girls quite pleased . The two senior agents had been a veritable mine of insider information (tidbits left out during training such as FOR THE LOVE OF KAMI-SAMA, STAY AWAY FROM FANON!JUSENKYO!'). Teena and Wyldehorse also generously donated some of their various Bleep products, which greatly aided PPC agents with Sue- induced headaches. Or Sue- induced mental scarring. Actually, the Bleep products helped with everything Sue- induced. With their arms full of goodies, Mimarhan and Laih entered their own bland response center. Mimarhan dumped the stuff onto Laih's duffel bag.
Well, Laih, I think we're ready to do this thang.
I agree. But we have to wait for the computer to tell us when to go, don't we?
Yeah, we do. So I guess we wait.
The two new agents sat down on the couch in their response center. They stared at the computer expectantly. Of course, nothing happened.
Nothing's happening, and I want a Mini. I'm going to write to Miss Cam! Laih declared, sitting down at the computer. She began to write, expecting any moment now for the tell tale beep of a mission. The Narrative Laws of Comedy ordained it to be so!
Nothing. The Laws must have been on a lunch break. Either that, or they were tormenting some other hapless team of agents. Mimarhan, bored with watching Laih and the computer, began going through Laih's stuff.
Got anything interesting in here? Mimarhan asked. Laih sent the note, requesting to adopt Glorifindel and Thundrell, to Miss Cam via a passing janitor, and turned to her partner.
It's very rude to go through someone's things, you know, she said, looking serious. But I don't mind! I'm always happy to share my anime collection!
Cool beans! You have FLCL! Quite possibly one of the trippiest shows out there. Oh, and you have FAKE! Yummy yummy shonen-ai! Mimarhan continued her inventory of Laih's anime products. It was then that Laih noticed something. Mimarhan had not put away any of her things. In fact, Laih didn't see of the other agent's things anywhere.
Ano, Mimarhan? Where are your things?
Hmm? Oh! My junk! I forgot! I dumped it all into the supply closet. I really wanted to go exploring. I didn't decorate anything cos I was wandering around HQ. By the by, I found out where the cafeteria is. Anyway, let's do some otaku decorating while we're waiting for our assignment. Mimarhan said, dashing to the closet. When she opened the door, she bonked her head on a small platform.
the small agent groaned.
Something wrong? Can I help? Laih asked cheerfully.
I hit my head! I don't remember that being there earlier! Ow! What is that thing, anyway? Mimarhan said, rubbing her head and glaring at the platform.
Oh, yeah! I remember this from training! Our closet's an anime library. If I recall correctly, that little doohickey next to you is a Summons. You just type in the series title, narrow down by subsection, and any and all material pertaining to your search will appear on that little podium you hit your head on. I don't think that it has merchandise, just the shows and manga. You're supposed to use it for character exorcisms. They never told me the technical stuff, or where all the anime is stored, Laih mused.
Guess it must be a division of hammerspace. How cool is this? We'll never have to buy anime ever again! Now all we have to do is find the time to read and watch it all! This is great! I'm gonna try it out! Mimarhan said, eagerly typing in Cowboy Bebop' and squealing in delight as the entire series appeared on the platform. She pushed the done' button, and it vanished again.
We have a place to put our stuff, at least! I hope the closet will stay organized. I'm a pretty messy person, Laih said, putting her duffel bag in the corner.
Me, too. Must be an otaku pack rat thing.
Come on, Mimarhan! Let's prettify our room. It's not nice to look at, now. And when we slaughter enough of t3h 3v1l, we can use their stuff to decorate, too! Oh, I'm so excited! Laih said exiting the closet. She started to put up her wallscrolls of her various lust objects. Mimarhan looked at her partner strangely. Hearing Leet being spoken was always odd. The short agent shrugged and then went out to join in the decoration spree with her own posters. If you can't beat em, join em.
Just as the two girls were really getting into things, (Mimarhan was perched on top of Laih's shoulders in an attempt to put a couple more posters up on the ceiling) there was a noise.
[BEEP!]
The girls were so caught up in their balancing act that they didn't notice.
[BEEEEEEP!]
Still nothing from the agents.
[FOR THE LAST TIME, BLOODY BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!]
Laih exclaimed, startled. She turned around quickly, forgetting that her partner was still balanced upon Laih's shoulders. The short agent fell to the ground with a thud. Oh my garden, Mimarhan! We've got a Sue! We've got a Sue!
Vondervall. Now read the Words to me. I don't think I can stand right now.
Ooh, it's a Slayers Sue! At least Zelgadis-san isn't the lustee in this one. It's Gourry-san. She must die in a tortuously slow and painful manner. Laih said, smiling broadly and clenching her hands in a fist so tight her knuckles turned white. Lina-san is so out of character that it's painful. Gourry-san's IQ was lowered a bit, but that's to be expected. Silly fangirls! Zelgadis-san is on permanent PMS, and Amelia-san seems to be the standard Fanon!Amelia. Oh, Sylphiel-san is there, too. It must be after NEXT. You don't even see that much of anyone except the Sues. The canons have become bit characters. Sad, sad. Ooh, how wonderful! There are two of them!
Two what? Sues? Laih nodded, and Mimarhan groaned from her spot on the ground. How long is it? Mimarhan asked, gingerly picking herself off of the floor. Laih was a tall thing to fall from.
Eeto, it's not long at all. I'm not sure how long the charge list will be, considering that there's not much action.
If Upstairs sent it, then there must be enough, Mimarhan declared.
Standard troll should do it. Lina-tachi is in a tavern, how original. Laih walked over to the computer and hit some buttons. The disguises are in place! No one should see us except the Sues, or unless we deliberately step into characters POVs. Just like in training!
Duffel bags with goodies and equipment?
Check and double check! I packed my CD player, CDs, cards, last year's Halloween candy, sunglasses, and neuralizer. I don't know what you packed, though. Oh, and the CAD is in my bag; it'll get broken in yours. All of your medieval weapons are in there!
Mimarhan hit the remote activator's buttons. Spokey dokey, then. Lesgo! she said, jumping into the portal after grabbing her bag. Laih quickly followed suit.
TO BE CONTINUED